Intermittent bouts of rage...

[Abide with me.]

I love my husband very much and 99% of the time he is everything I ever wanted in a husband and we have been very happy for the past 17 years, but he gets intermittent bouts of rage over normal domestic frustrations which are totally out of proportion to the thing which triggered him.
For the first 10 years I did the right thing by getting out of his way and talking through it once he had calmed down when it was safe to do so, but this didn't work till marriage guidance counselling helped it to be less frequent.
The trouble is, that after suffering so many abusive episode's from him, I long since lost patience and I now have my own anger issues to deal with as well as his when he does kick off occasionally, he was being extremely verbally aggressive with me the other day and I had the overwhelming urge to hit him! I am absolutely shocked to have this powerful compulsion in me which is something new, thankfully I restrained myself, but What am I turning into? I asked God to forgive me and I handed the situation over to him as I can't think of what else to do anymore.
My husband is very sorry but he usually is, till the next time..I want to be forgiving, but that's not enough, I want him to take responsibility for his behaviour.
Just to clarify, these outburst are not manipulative, they are sheer bouts of spontaneous rage then he pretends nothing happened afterwards, he goes 0-90 and back down again very rapidly without any warning at all, if any of you can relate to this I'd appreciate your feedback, I'm really embarrassed to talk about this with anyone but my best friend, but she has no experience of this kind of thing.

 

[Chris V++]

I'm very sorry you are in this situation where you are made to walk on egg shells so to speak to avoid triggering your husband. I grew up in a household where everyone had to adapt and navigate around the moods of an explosive but otherwise decent family member.

he gets intermittent bouts of rage over normal domestic frustrations which are totally out of proportion to the thing which triggered him.

This sounds familiar. Not to excuse the behavior but this describes the behavior of a lot of men.

Just to clarify, these outburst are not manipulative, they are sheer bouts of spontaneous rage then he pretends nothing happened afterwards, he goes 0-90 and back down again very rapidly without any warning at all

Does your husband have any healthy outlets like exercise? I find if I don't exercise regularly I can succumb to spontaneous rage. (not that I have a victim that I abuse to alleviate it) You always hear talk of women and hormones but men apparently have their own hormonal issues as well.

he was being extremely verbally aggressive with me the other day and I had the overwhelming urge to hit him!

He probably deserves it.
* edited to add. Sorry i was pulled away. What I mean to say is don't gaslight yourself into thinking you are the one with the issue here. If you enable for long enough you are bound to resist or rebel eventually.

 

[.Jeremiah.]

I can relate to it quite well.
I was like your husband in some aspects, it seems.
My rage came infrequently for no good reason (but it seemed like a good reason at the time)
But, immediately after my outburst, usually a matter of seconds or a minute or two, I was very sorry for my actions and wanted to make up.
However, the damage was done, and my wife needed a little time to recover. Instead of giving her the time alone, I wanted us back to normal so bad, I kept insisting and that made things worse for awhile.
But we always came back together.
My problem, I see in hindsight, was my repentance was designed to get me what I wanted, so wasn’t truly repentance.
It happened about 4 years ago, that I was actually shown the evil within me, during one of our episodes.
This caused me to see the need for true repentance, and I showed my wife that desire, which she recognized.
Since then, all has been completely different in our lives.
The Lord is working on the anger and impatience.
I don’t know you or your husband, so this may not be useful, but I thought I’d put it out just in case.

 

[Hazelelponi]

I love my husband very much and 99% of the time he is everything I ever wanted in a husband and we have been very happy for the past 17 years, but he gets intermittent bouts of rage over normal domestic frustrations which are totally out of proportion to the thing which triggered him.
For the first 10 years I did the right thing by getting out of his way and talking through it once he had calmed down when it was safe to do so, but this didn't work till marriage guidance counselling helped it to be less frequent.
The trouble is, that after suffering so many abusive episode's from him, I long since lost patience and I now have my own anger issues to deal with as well as his when he does kick off occasionally, he was being extremely verbally aggressive with me the other day and I had the overwhelming urge to hit him! I am absolutely shocked to have this powerful compulsion in me which is something new, thankfully I restrained myself, but What am I turning into? I asked God to forgive me and I handed the situation over to him as I can't think of what else to do anymore.
My husband is very sorry but he usually is, till the next time..I want to be forgiving, but that's not enough, I want him to take responsibility for his behaviour.
Just to clarify, these outburst are not manipulative, they are sheer bouts of spontaneous rage then he pretends nothing happened afterwards, he goes 0-90 and back down again very rapidly without any warning at all, if any of you can relate to this I'd appreciate your feedback, I'm really embarrassed to talk about this with anyone but my best friend, but she has no experience of this kind of thing.

I was in an extremely abusive relationship, a dictionary definition. I left disabled for life, having barely escaped with said life.

That said, long term abuse creates a breaking point in the one being abused. You take it and take it and take it and suddenly you stop caring, you've been beat so much the threat isn't scary anymore, and you become someone you don't recognize.

My breaking point didn't cause me to become abusive such as you describe, but it did change the core parts of my personality: what made me, me in the eyes of all who knew me. This change in me that took a heartbeat to occur, scared my children, and him due to the totality of it.

I stopped being scared, and it was dramatic. I wouldn't back down, I was finally someone who wasn't taking it any more.

If your reaching or have reached your breaking point, you should definitely get help. Seriously. Your marriage won't survive without change - on his part. And you need help for your anger issues now too.

Both myself and my children came out of that marriage with serious PTSD... take it from me you likely need help. What your facing may not be close to what I went through, but with you at this stage, you need help. Counselling. That's honest.

 

[Jeshu]

The trouble is that you have internalised the sin of your husband and now have yourself become in danger of sinning in this part of yourself.

Your husband needs true repentance in his angry self, not before or afterwards, but when he is like that - then he needs to meet the truth - Jesus - for his rage to die and go away and him coming out of it a better person in that part of himself.

Tell him not to heed guilt or shame or shame but rather let The Holy Spirit of God convict him of the wrong he is doing. The Holy Spirit speaks the truth in love, unlike the accuser does, he smites us with our truths to hurt us with it, not to save us from it.

i think you need to repent as well, repent from how you become when your husband rages, and confess to God that your husband got to you, and you are becoming like him now. This is what happens when we are continually sinned against and we internalise the sins of those who sinned against us rather than forgive from the heart and so remain free from such an ugly invasion of our psyche.

As you can see it is a spiritual issue. Your husband has not given Jesus control of his heart in this self yet, and it looks like you haven't either, once Jesus rules your hearts there, peace and trust in your relationship will be restored and you will be closer bonded than ever before.

To love the sin in your husband to death means you love your husband unconditionally, so you love him also when he is bad and mean, but more so for him not to be like that, rather than to have endure it for any longer period of time. To plead with your husband to go to Jesus next time he is angry is what needs to happen. He needs to see why he needs to do that and dare face Jesus in his sinful self and die to being like that. The same as any other sin living in us.

So counselling is your best bet, especially for your husband. He needs to learn how bad he is when he rages and how he impacts people around him when he is like that and how the loving truth of Jesus can set him free from being like this.

It is great to be saved from our sins. This is what your husband and you have to learn in your life together.

Peace.

 

[Tolworth John]

Just to clarify, these outburst are not manipulative, they are sheer bouts of spontaneous rage then he pretends nothing happened afterwards

May I suggest that you talk to your husband about his responsibility to keep you safe, explain that you do not feel safe having to hide durring his bouts of rage and that it is not good enough to pretend nothing has happened.
He needs to take responsibility for his emotions, to attend anger management classes or see a psychiatrist if that does not help.

Ask him for his opinion what should you do if he hits you durring one of these bouts of rage?
Is he happy for you to report him to the police to domestic abuse? Because that is what he is currently subjecting you to.

 

[Abide with me.]

Thank you for taking the time to reply everybody, I really appreciate your thoughts and advise.
Just to answer a few questions that you raised..counselling, we did this together 7 years ago and his behaviour altered dramatically for the better, his outbursts went from weekly, to once evey 1-2 years, on one of those occasions I made him go to a psychiatrist specialising in anger management, he has a stack of coping and management techniques available to him, which lapsed prior to this latest blow up as things had been quiet for a few years.
We are going to re visit these techniques together and I will make sure he does his exercises again, and if it escalates again then I will insist on anger management classes, he's pretty good at complying as he knows what he's doing isn't normal and admits he has a problem, I looked up intermittent rage syndrome, and autistic rage and apparently it's a real recognised thing.
If my husband ever hit me, I would report him to the police as my father beat me and my mother and got away with it.
I don't understand why I ended up marrying a man exactly like my father, that's a ' Thing' too I believe...sigh!
Because of all this my husband knows what impact it's having on me, and it's interesting to hear your experience of your breaking point, but I really believe everybody ( without a serious mental disorder ) has a choice in how they manifest their feelings, it's not about whether they deserve a taste of their own medicine or not, it's about not becoming as bad as them because that's not who God wants us to be.
After what my father did to me, I sometimes wonder if I'm being tested!!?

 

[Bella_lee]

Hi @Abide with me I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this and I do pray that the Lord will give you the wisdom and strength you need for this situation.
I think it's wise that you are considering counselling and re visiting those techniques that helped both of you in the past.
I don't know if this is a test for you but if it is, I pray you will be victorious and complete emotional healing will be yours and your husband too.

Hugs and blessings to you )))!

 

[Toro]

I know the times when my spiritual life has waned and didn't spend time with the Lord or time in His word... I would not be at peace like I once was.... I would become more frustrated, more self concerned rather than concerned of others.

In those times, it is far more difficult to serve as a husband to my wife when my focus is on self.

It is far more difficult for there to be peace in my marriage if I am frustrated and quick to anger as I would be with more focus on Christ and following His example in serving others, including to be in service of my wife rather than to keep track of where she is not perfect and her, where I am not perfect.

With Christ as our glue, it affords a humility that makes marriage possible... without Him, none of us are able to truly love in a way that makes a marriage work for how can we be devoted to another... when our wicked hearts are by nature truly only devoted to self.

IF one person neglects their salvation it could easily cause termoil. If your husband is a Christian. I would suggest maybe if you choose to return to counseling, you try to study/read the Bible together as well to try and see where he is spiritually, but not to attack him or judge him.

This husband and wife study time might bring him closer to the Lord and allow the root of the issue to be targeted rather than the surface being treated... which might be why counseling worked for a time... but then the anger returned.

 

[Abide with me.]

I know the times when my spiritual life has waned and didn't spend time with the Lord or time in His word... I would not be at peace like I once was.... I would become more frustrated, more self concerned rather than concerned of others.

In those times, it is far more difficult to serve as a husband to my wife when my focus is on self.

It is far more difficult for there to be peace in my marriage if I am frustrated and quick to anger as I would be with more focus on Christ and following His example in serving others, including to be in service of my wife rather than to keep track of where she is not perfect and her, where I am not perfect.

With Christ as our glue, it affords a humility that makes marriage possible... without Him, none of us are able to truly love in a way that makes a marriage work for how can we be devoted to another... when our wicked hearts are by nature truly only devoted to self.

IF one person neglects their salvation it could easily cause termoil. If your husband is a Christian. I would suggest maybe if you choose to return to counseling, you try to study/read the Bible together as well to try and see where he is spiritually, but not to attack him or judge him.

This husband and wife study time might bring him closer to the Lord and allow the root of the issue to be targeted rather than the surface being treated... which might be why counseling worked for a time... but then the anger returned.

I wish I could bring him to the Lord, but he is a non believer, but I agree with you, faith in God is the cure, we can not do it alone, we only ever tinker round the edges when we try... I am still reeling one week on, I'm blaming myself for lapsing in my own prayer..

 

[Toro]

Just like a horse and leading it to water. We can always lead someone to the Lord... whether they accept Him or not is of course not ours to do as we cant even save ourselves.

Since he is not a believer I would say draw closer to the Lord and continue to pray for your husband. He may not ever accept Him, but prayer can do amazing things and God can change a hard heart.

I used to delight in my evil ways. I loved my aggression and anger. I used to take pride in my ability to hold a grudge and to LOVE seeking revenge.

I used to aggressively argue against God with believers. I mocked Christianity and aside for the fact that I saw the good in a belief system that made people hold themselves accountable and be generally decent people, I wanted little to do with it.

I had people that prayed for me. It wasnt a swift transition in my case. It took many years, but it did happen.

As counterintuitive as it seems, the BEST thing we can do to help those we love is to focus on ourselves, our own walk with the Lord.... not in a self centered way of selfishness (Me first) but more in the manner Jesus told us to do..... once we have dealt with the plank in our own eyes... THEN we see clearly to lovingly lead and help our brother or sister.

After the plank is removed from our eye, that is when those around us see the undeniable change in us, because it is the Holy Spirit reflecting through us. That is when they see all the true signs of the Spirit.... and that is when they are forced to respond, either in a positive way, wanting to know of this Jesus that took us from the mess we were or.... to hate the light reflected through us because they hate the source of the light.... we can lead, we unfortunately can't pick how they respond.

 

[Abide with me.]

I'm in such a terrible state today, since my husbands last outburst, I have just wanted to cry all the time, I'm SO depressed and just absolutely flooded with dread, it's a massive over reaction to the event that took place, but I have absorbed SO much of this over the years it's hard to remain resilient, my husband is bending over backwards to try and make it up to me, and for the sake of our marriage I have been trying to be cheerful and chatty but I just can't shake off these overwhelming feelings of dread.
I even agreed to go to a party last night thinking it might shake me out of it, I'm very good at masking negative feelings and did very well all night till I hit a socially awkward situation where I was left on my own with no one to talk to, and my mask slipped, I guess it was obvious to everybody who noticed that I was near to tears, but what I'm really embarrassed about is that I told my host I thought I was being deliberately ignored by his wife which I don't have any evidence for at all, and I have since apologized to them but the fact is that I'm not stable at present and cried all the way home which is extremely unlike me, I'm not one of life's boo hooers at all.
My husband's first attack on me was 17 years ago, and was so severe it left me shaking with shock, but I managed to get over it fairly quickly, but now I'm just not coping and I don't know why or what to do about it, because I'm not a flaky person at all, in fact I'm a highly organized and well motivated achiever but didn't even want to get out of bed today and don't want to do anything at all, his last attack was just door slamming shouting and swearing, and not the full on in your face verbal abuse it used to be, but I'm falling to pieces.
I will pray for myself and my husband, but please pray for us also, we really really need help.
Thank you for listening

 

[Abide with me.]

Since my last post I have been praying for myself and my husband and reading the Bible, but also I have been staying in the home of my friend and her church minister husband.
He has written many books on Christianity, but one in particular stood out for me and it's called ' Demolishing strongholds'.
I hate to sound full of self pity, but I have been attacked all my life and there is no obvious explanation for it, I'm not perfect, but I'm sure I've had more than my fair share of bad behaviour from others when I was just trying g to get along with them.
This book about demolishing demonic strongholds seems to offer the only explanation to a series of bewildering and traumatising events in my life, as well as solutions.
Do any of you acknowledge unseen spiritual forces influencing or even directing your life?
The Bible tells us the devil ( s ) are very real and can live in people, do you believe that?

 

[ripple the car]

Since my last post I have been praying for myself and my husband and reading the Bible, but also I have been staying in the home of my friend and her church minister husband.
He has written many books on Christianity, but one in particular stood out for me and it's called ' Demolishing strongholds'.
I hate to sound full of self pity, but I have been attacked all my life and there is no obvious explanation for it, I'm not perfect, but I'm sure I've had more than my fair share of bad behaviour from others when I was just trying g to get along with them.
This book about demolishing demonic strongholds seems to offer the only explanation to a series of bewildering and traumatising events in my life, as well as solutions.
Do any of you acknowledge unseen spiritual forces influencing or even directing your life?
The Bible tells us the devil ( s ) are very real and can live in people, do you believe that?

I think some Christians over-spiritualize what is basically just a difficult life. Many very heroic, selfless, amazing Christians have had pretty tough lives. Sickness that was never healed, crummy marriages they suffered through until the spouse died, persecution from fellow Christians, separation from family, etc. That doesn’t mean they needed to break down strongholds. Their lives were just especially difficult; which gave them more chances to trust in Christ, keep going, and by His grace become more like Him.

Life is hard. And sometimes it kind of stinks, and is painful. But even pain can have a purpose, when we offer it up to Christ, and use that pain as a part of our discipleship. It’s hard, though, it’s a battle. That’s the real battle. Staying faithful in pain.

I’ll keep you and your husband in my prayers. Marriage can be so tough. Is your husband getting any kind of Christian counseling? Are you?