Innapropriate behaviour *t*

[shazabella]

hi everyone,

Dad's just become so grossly disgusting around me lately - he was tying some posts together when i came downstairs and i asked him what he was doing and he said " I like bondage" ... this is coming from my own father *ick* and it had absolutely no relevance what so ever to what he was doing / talking to me about

I refuse to kiss any guy/man atm and he got all cut with me because i refused to kiss him ... he is my father but I don't do kisses - i do hugs not kisses and its something that he's got to learn.

I dunno he just makes me feel really weird around him and that comment about bondage was just gross but its not the first time he's acted inappropriately towards me ...

I don't want to make a huge deal about this but what he said is something you don't say to your own daughter even if it was in fun

He has never sexually abused me and the physically abuse started when i was 13/14 yrs old but this innapropriate behaviour is starting to scare me

Any advice on what to do ?

- Shaz

 

[Yasha]

The 'ick' reflex in you is VERY healthy. This is something that gets 'broke' in abuse families, sometimes, often.

The lack of practice and ability to define personal boundaries is problematic in abuse and drug abuse households, regularly. I say kudos to you for both feeling the 'ick' and coming here for prayer to be open to learn to establish boundaries in the relationship you have with your dad.

Often in abuse families, there is tension in the adult physical relationship between the parents. Difficulties in dealing with anger, pain and hurt usually don't confine themselves only to the children. The communication household-wide is stunted in common ways. Being young and naive, and maybe 'gullible,' can be attractive characteristics, often, to a person who is having difficulties in relating to people with greater maturity and more say in things.

--->>The best thing you can do is learn now to define your personal comfort zone = boundaries. Then, you need to put these definitions into words that you can share with your dad.<<----

One of the dangers, in a relationship that has already been abusive in the past, is in being both clear and respectful of the person's limitations in receiving these boundary statements. I suggest that you should be discussing this openly with other family members or friends or counselors who can help you with the reactions that you get from your father. It will be hard for you to be both firm and respectful toward someone who scares you, if he threatens you physically.

I say, don't try to be a hero and go things alone here. Be willing and ready to lean on people who will respond to you in realtime when you NEED the answers.(people offline). I don't know what your other family relationships are like.

I am praying that you will take the time in prayer with Jesus to define for yourself the 'ick' feelings and come out with them, respectfully, to your father when you are ready. Sooner is better than later. If you are wishy-washy about your concerns with him, he may interpret that as teasing. You need to be clear and confirmed in your heart about your comfort zone. There are certain boundaries, even with misunderstood attempts at humor, that should be open to questions and clarification anytime that you feel a need to discuss or end an uncomfortable situation.

I am currently going through this, somewhat, with my son. He has a hard time speaking about his genuine love for me, and mine for him. Though he is getting more comfortable with it all, he had never had this with his natural mother who emotionally abused him(he's my stepson). He is unclear, especially since I am not his real 'Mom," how much love is too much, and how much is permissable. He often feels that he loves me 'too much,' because he never felt this much love before.

So, I am not completely foreign to all this concern, but we are dealing with it from a different angle. As an incest survivor family, these boundaries are often in need of redefinition and affirmation in our group, too.

Definable boundaries are healthy! GOD BLESS YOU. amen.

 

[shazabella]

Hey everyone

Well i finally talked to mum about how it really made me feel and she was pretty supportive - she said I have to do what feels comfortable for me and if hugs are the only thing that do so be it ... no one ever died from not being kissed

Shachah thank you for validating the ickiness when i needed it the most and i'm slowly learning that my feelings are ok to have and that its ok to say no.

for everyone who needs god's love atm

oh btw thankyou for the birthday wishes on the random threads ... less than 22 hrs to go yay !!

- Shaz

 

[beetlequeendiva]

The 'ick' reflex in you is VERY healthy. This is something that gets 'broke' in abuse families, sometimes, often.

That is very true, growing up we never had boundaries as to what was okay and what was not - it's good that you have that!!! I'm glad that you mananged to get things sorted