Initiating

[Living4Him03]

This one is for the gals out there, but guys I would appreciate your input too

I've been trying lately not to pursue but to be pursued, if that makes sense. When I like a guy I try to let him initiate things most of the time, although I think it's okay for me to initiate some things. Still I like to see what kind of leader a guy is, etc. Well,my problem is knowing when to initiate conversation, by calling or via IM and when not to.

It seems like sometimes if I don't initiate conversation with a guy, he will not initiate conversation with me. He'll see me online then not say anything or know that he could call me and won't. So I guess my question is, if a guy is not initiating contact with you often, although he has before, does it mean he's not interested? When is it okay for me to intiate conversation?

 

[Sketcher]

My personal rule when it comes to talking to anyone online - male or female- is I initiate the first time. If he or she initiates the second time, I know that person genuinely likes me and I won't be wasting my time with someone who doesn't want to be my friend. If someone doesn't want to be my friend, I will not bother with them, because my time and energy can be spent elsewhere. A lot of people didn't like me in school, and I generally got the impression if I was not greeted or invited, I was not welcome.

 

[SDSUMarcus01]

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[Princess Pea]

Thanks for posting this question, Living4Him! I'm really interested in what the guys will have to say about this.

I certainly can't speak for everyone, but in my experience and observation, a man who is interested in a woman will initiate things without keeping track of whose "turn" it is. If he's interested enough, it seems like positive feedback from her is all the encouragement he needs to keep going. And if he's REALLY interested, he'll keep going even WITHOUT any positive feedback - at least for a while.

Again based on experience and observation, I've concluded that if he isn't initiating, it doesn't mean he's shy, or has lost her phone number, or is just really busy, or waiting for her to take a turn. It means he's not interested.

But that's just my experience, and it's not as if it's vast or anything. Mainly, I jumped in to encourage the men to respond on this one.

 

[mina]

I only initate a phone call, conversation, etc. if i'm truly missing his friendship and missing him and care about how he's doing, not if my motivation is to fish around for a date or try and manipulate anything like his feelings. So I guess i let initial initiating start with the guy and as we become friends or more then I'm more comforable in calling him because he is my friend, if that makes any sense. I'm not real big on running after a guy or throwing myself at a guy. If he's not calling and we haven't reached that level of being friends then i'm not going to bother chasing him down. Lol this guy i dated actually sat me down to have a talk with me about how it's ok if I call him and he wants me to every now and then if he somehow hasn't called in a while.

 

[Justin04]

mm interesting post l4h.

The girlfriend I have now and have had for some time she really initiated me for starting out and thats how we got together and now it seems like I do most the initiating.

Its actually something we talk about a lot, cause that is extremely important to me (her initiating a relationship with me from time to time) its not like I want her to be in charge, but I also want to be perused too and dont like feeling I'm the only one giving in a relationship, no one does.

I probably dont follow the norm tho. Maybe I dont know. I know the girl I'm with now is literally the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, shes actually a beaty queen and has won numerous pad gents, she goes anywhere everybodys head turns, ect, I'm just an average/less then average guy. I know if she hadnt initiated something w/ me I wouldnt have bothered with her, now we've been together for awhile and are contemplating marriage.

(whats the worst that can happen, getting rejected?)

 

[Proverbs 31 Woman]

I think the male should initiate things, but after a while it should become equal. If you find yourself doing most of the intiating after a while as a male or female, then it's time to move on.

 

[invisiblebabe]

Depends on the people. If the girl is more extroverted, then it is natural she will initiate conversations, phone calls, etc.

Do I think a girl should ask a guy out? Depends on the situation. For a sorority formal, I doubt a guy would be asking a girl! In general though, I do like the guy to do the asking.

 

[Pennylanedaytripper]

Hey all it's L4H03..this is my temporary new sn until I can get the password for the other one!

Anyway, I guess this thread has helped. I just worry about intiating too much or being too forward! Do you all think it's too forward to intiate a hug? And I don't mean when you have been dating for awhile, but at first.

 

[SDSUMarcus01]

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[Justin04]

Do you all think it's too forward to intiate a hug?

Unless I'm confused about the question then we come from very very different worlds.

I generally know someone for a few days before I hug them romantic interest or not, christian or not. I'm not like a huge ''huger'' but whenever I see any of my friends that are girls they hug me.

 

[SelfProtect]

I like this thread...

Here's a question for you... A guy I like called me today about outreach. He wanted me to call someone. I called her. Should I call him back and let him know how it went? Should I wait a couple of days?

 

[Pennylanedaytripper]

I don't really know, I'd probably have the same question you do! I'd say wait a few days then call back to let him know how it went. Ugh I hate taking risks like that because I"m forever thinking, "but what if he thinks I'm aggressive or pushy...I don't want to scare him off, but I want to let him know I care". And these days you never know if a guy is more old fashioned and likes to be the one to call YOU or if he expects you to call him sometimes or what. Also, if he's the type that expects me to call, I end up not wanting to be too forward, so I will wait for him to call and if he doesn't then I end up thinking he isn't interested. *sigh*

At least I know hugs are okay. I wanted to hug this guy the other day but I didn't want to seem too forward and I wasn't sure he would be okay with that. Not that he isn't a friendly guy but I just didnt want to make him think I was being forward or anything.

 

[tyberium]

(the following advice is from very limited experience)

So I like this girl in school and we talk a lot in class, but its hard to find things to talk about. Its almost like I have to talk to her for the first time each day. So when I cannot find anything interesting to talk about, I just dont talk to her.

From that experience I learned to never do that agian. Ruined a possible relationship because I was too afraid to be imbarrased. Now I am very straight forward. I just ask her if she wants to grab some lunch. That way we eat, I can make a fool of myself, and then call her the next day.

Actually right now I am trying to meet up with this gril that I have never seen, but from what my friends tell me she is a christian and thinks I am cute. Thats two things out of the way. If we can ever get to meet eachother I will start a thread and tell you how it went.

 

[~WildRoseCowgirl~]

I don't really know, I know that for me I feel very loved when somone gives me a hug, that is how I am, I am a very physical touch person. So when I hug somone of the iopposite sex or they hug me I have to be very careful about my thoughts and keeping it a side hug. To initiate a hug with someone you like of the opposite sex when you havna seen them in a long time, or they are greiving or something I don't think that is wrong, but otherwise I think it is forward.

 

[remy]

there are some times i know a person likes me, but it's not that i ignore it like it didnt exist, i'm saving her the trouble of getting any closer.

 

[Proverbs 31 Woman]

How do you save her the trouble? If by acting like you're ignoring her, you're only hurting her more. Been there and it hurts, especially when it's a Christian guy.

 

[KeilCoppes]

...after a while it should become equal. If you find yourself doing most of the intiating after a while as a male or female, then it's time to move on.

Amen. Otherwise it's like pushing on a rope and doing all the work yourself - interchange is the basis for relationship

 

[Tuffguy]

I think the male should initiate things, but after a while it should become equal. If you find yourself doing most of the intiating after a while as a male or female, then it's time to move on.

That may be true sometimes, but i think that often times we are in different situations and one person may have a desk job where the other person may be a student. The student would have all the time in the world and the other person might be busy all day. Plus people have different needs and different personality traits. Once you're in the relationship this stuff needs to be talked about. Theres nothing wrong with saying,, i need more contact w/you,, call me more often. I have had girls say this to me and i appreciated their candor. So, i just called them more often. In relationship very rarely will have have both parties like each other equally. Its usually skewed one way, one person is more attracted, more in love,,then the other person.

 

[Proverbs 31 Woman]

I disagree. I have been in relationships where I have been the most busy and I still made time to keep in some form of contact.