Initiating a friendship by email (?)

Apollonian · May 17, 2004

I've been searching around the forums a bit and haven't found this topic discussed very much yet. I'll try to keep this simple.

I have noticed that sometimes, due to social circumstance or temperament, that it is a whole lot easier to get to know someone by email than in person. However, it is also quite odd to email random strangers to introduce yourself.

Specifically, for reasons that I haven't quite sorted out, it has been incredibly difficult for me to meet other people in my college classes. That is starting to change now that the classes are smaller and I see the same people all the time. Yet, still there are some people who are quieter, less social, and I have a hard time finding the opportunity to talk to them when there is only a few minutes before or after class (I am notoriously horrible at small talk). For me, I'm talking about getting to know some of the (very few) girls in my otherwise male-dominated major (aerospace engineering). I can see how the usual male-banter could possibly intimidate more reserved (but smart) girls.

The question is this: Is email an appropriate way to "break the ice" with someone, especially if they are shy or introverted? My fear is that it would be considered too bold, invasive, or outright stalking.

-Apollonian
20/m INTj

plum · May 17, 2004

So you mean through email with someone of whom you already have an acquaintance? I suppose I'd find this okay, but I wouldn't go asking 20 questions right off the bat in a first email *laugh*
What if you ask someone if you can email them? Would that break some ice? And then perhaps it wouldn't feel pushy. Maybe less than a phone call even...

LadyDJ · May 17, 2004

I met my best friend via a message board...she had posted something that piqued my curiosity, so I e-mailed her and we've been corresponding by e-mail, message boards, phone and have met in person (we are waaaaay overdue for another get together). It took a little time, but we can talk about just about anything and even agree to disagree at times LOL

In my case, since I'm firewalled from web-based e-mail usage here at work, so if someone posts something that intrigues or inspires me, I'll drop them a PM...if they respond, and what to chit chat via PMs that's cool....if not, well that's cool too. I live in a fairly rural area and doing the single parent thing takes up most of my socialization time...so I have a few work related acquaintances around here locally, but no real friends and am too shy in person to go out looking for any.

Lbiagm · May 17, 2004

i agree with missju.

gvsuman · May 17, 2004

missju said:
So you mean through email with someone of whom you already have an acquaintance? I suppose I'd find this okay, but I wouldn't go asking 20 questions right off the bat in a first email *laugh*
What if you ask someone if you can email them? Would that break some ice? And then perhaps it wouldn't feel pushy. Maybe less than a phone call even...

yeah! like, messaging someone and asking them if they are going to the easter service at a certian college??

Lbiagm · May 17, 2004

what gvu.

Apollonian · May 17, 2004

missju said:
So you mean through email with someone of whom you already have an acquaintance? I suppose I'd find this okay, but I wouldn't go asking 20 questions right off the bat in a first email *laugh*
What if you ask someone if you can email them? Would that break some ice? And then perhaps it wouldn't feel pushy. Maybe less than a phone call even...

Well, I'm actually talking about individuals in my classes who I have maybe spoken to only twice and don't really even have acquaintance with them yet. It seems to me that in traditional "social settings" (eg after church, hanging out, parties, even study groups) it is easy to introduce yourself and get acquainted. When I'm in class, the air is more - ok, so I am talking to you for only a minute and then class starts. If we get good conversation going, it is horrible to cut it off abruptly when class starts. So, I'm talking about initiating an acquaintance with someone so that initial phase is not so awkward and troubling.

I certainly don't intend to ask 20 questions, maybe just some simple questions based on what I know already - since we are in the same classes and all. The other thing is that I don't quite know how to bring up the question: "Are you christian?"

Missju, I appreciate your response, but you seem a little tentative. This is why I'd like to discuss this - it seems as if not a lot of people use email for this purpose and so it seems odd. Is it really so odd though? From my vantage point, it almost seems to be an unused resource which avoids a lot of the social confusions that otherwise prevent us from getting to know each other.

If you were a bit shy in a major with a guy-to-girl ratio of 10:1, how would you go about things? Would the banter amongst all the guys keep you from approaching them? If you get into the habit of not approaching people, how would you respond if a guy just walked up to you one day (cornered you, if you will) and started asking you questions? Would email be a bit less intimidating, or would it be more intimidating?

Lbiagm · May 17, 2004

yea email would work then appolo.

klewlis · May 17, 2004

i dunno, i think personal is better if you don't even really know them yet. you don't have to corner them and start firing questions off. you can just say hi and try to initiate small talk... if that works then you can build on it.

email would be *ok* but not ideal.

Mr.Cheese · May 17, 2004

If it wasn't for the internet I'd have like, no friends.
All the guys I grew up with are states away. Most of my friends from college graduated and took off.
So the internet is my friend!
I've made a ton of cool friends with it.

Living4Him03 · May 17, 2004

Apollonian said:
Well, I'm actually talking about individuals in my classes who I have maybe spoken to only twice and don't really even have acquaintance with them yet. It seems to me that in traditional "social settings" (eg after church, hanging out, parties, even study groups) it is easy to introduce yourself and get acquainted. When I'm in class, the air is more - ok, so I am talking to you for only a minute and then class starts. If we get good conversation going, it is horrible to cut it off abruptly when class starts. So, I'm talking about initiating an acquaintance with someone so that initial phase is not so awkward and troubling.

I certainly don't intend to ask 20 questions, maybe just some simple questions based on what I know already - since we are in the same classes and all. The other thing is that I don't quite know how to bring up the question: "Are you christian?"

Missju, I appreciate your response, but you seem a little tentative. This is why I'd like to discuss this - it seems as if not a lot of people use email for this purpose and so it seems odd. Is it really so odd though? From my vantage point, it almost seems to be an unused resource which avoids a lot of the social confusions that otherwise prevent us from getting to know each other.

If you were a bit shy in a major with a guy-to-girl ratio of 10:1, how would you go about things? Would the banter amongst all the guys keep you from approaching them? If you get into the habit of not approaching people, how would you respond if a guy just walked up to you one day (cornered you, if you will) and started asking you questions? Would email be a bit less intimidating, or would it be more intimidating?

If you are getting into a good conversation that you can't finish before class, maybe you could ask for her email address. There might be a link you would want to send her, or give her yours and ask her to send a link or something. That way you can email back and forth when you aren't in classes and maybe could eventually get a phone number

If I were in that situation, with mainly guys, I think I would feel a bit intimidated, but it would be nice if a guy showed interest in getting to know me. It is definitely hard to get to know people in class, since you don't usually see them outside of class or have class activities that you go to. I'd say go for it!

fishstix · May 17, 2004

Apollonian said:
I've been searching around the forums a bit and haven't found this topic discussed very much yet. I'll try to keep this simple.

I have noticed that sometimes, due to social circumstance or temperament, that it is a whole lot easier to get to know someone by email than in person. However, it is also quite odd to email random strangers to introduce yourself.

Specifically, for reasons that I haven't quite sorted out, it has been incredibly difficult for me to meet other people in my college classes. That is starting to change now that the classes are smaller and I see the same people all the time. Yet, still there are some people who are quieter, less social, and I have a hard time finding the opportunity to talk to them when there is only a few minutes before or after class (I am notoriously horrible at small talk). For me, I'm talking about getting to know some of the (very few) girls in my otherwise male-dominated major (aerospace engineering). I can see how the usual male-banter could possibly intimidate more reserved (but smart) girls.

The question is this: Is email an appropriate way to "break the ice" with someone, especially if they are shy or introverted? My fear is that it would be considered too bold, invasive, or outright stalking.

-Apollonian
20/m INTj

I think emailing would be something to do after you've broken the ice a bit. Asking for an email address isn't quite like asking for a phone number, but it's sort of along the same lines. That said, if you are comfortable asking for an email address and the person you ask is ok with giving you it, then it's probably ok to send the occasional email. Don't make them too long or too often at the start though, or the recipient may get creeped out.

Apollonian said:
Well, I'm actually talking about individuals in my classes who I have maybe spoken to only twice and don't really even have acquaintance with them yet. It seems to me that in traditional "social settings" (eg after church, hanging out, parties, even study groups) it is easy to introduce yourself and get acquainted. When I'm in class, the air is more - ok, so I am talking to you for only a minute and then class starts. If we get good conversation going, it is horrible to cut it off abruptly when class starts. So, I'm talking about initiating an acquaintance with someone so that initial phase is not so awkward and troubling.

I certainly don't intend to ask 20 questions, maybe just some simple questions based on what I know already - since we are in the same classes and all. The other thing is that I don't quite know how to bring up the question: "Are you christian?"

Missju, I appreciate your response, but you seem a little tentative. This is why I'd like to discuss this - it seems as if not a lot of people use email for this purpose and so it seems odd. Is it really so odd though? From my vantage point, it almost seems to be an unused resource which avoids a lot of the social confusions that otherwise prevent us from getting to know each other.

If you were a bit shy in a major with a guy-to-girl ratio of 10:1, how would you go about things? Would the banter amongst all the guys keep you from approaching them? If you get into the habit of not approaching people, how would you respond if a guy just walked up to you one day (cornered you, if you will) and started asking you questions? Would email be a bit less intimidating, or would it be more intimidating?

Are you in first year? Chances are that most of the girls in your classes are going to get quite comfortable with talking with guys, because of that ratio. They're spending most of their time in classes with mainly guys - and people tend to get comfortable with the people they spend a lot of time around. A lot of them probably do share some of the same interests as the guys - after all, you're all aerospace engineering majors. So you must all have at least that in common, regardless of gender. So the "male-banter" may not be as foreign to them as it seems, depending of course on exactly what you're including in "male-banter".

ardeur · May 17, 2004

I have found it very difficult meeting people and making friends at college. I'm very intorverted at first. It took a very outgoing person, whom I had several classes with, to finally get me meeting other people. We exchanged email addresses and that worked wonders... I think it's a good way to break the ice as long as you go with your gut instincts about what's appropriate to talk about and when.

Apollonian · May 17, 2004

Hmm, ok, good thoughts everyone. But this all seems to assume I have the luxury of talking with said person. I'm talking about looking up someone's email address in order to start talking with them (via email). This is especially the case since the semester is now over and we have a few months before our senior year.

From what you are all saying, it makes me think that (to my dismay) I need to work on my small talk rather than look for an easier way out (which I had thought to be clever). Is this what everyone is saying? That email is only alright after you get to talking?

*Sigh* Anyone have any suggestions, book recommendations, or clinics which may help a guy who has no idea how to small talk besides openly asking direct questions of people? (I've already read Debra Fine's book on small talk) Also too I would appreciate any words of experience people might have regarding how to approach individuals who seem shy or overly quiet, especially those who seem to be having a hard time at things. I really feel this is an area that God is convicting me in, and I am tentative to dive off for fear that I may either hurt other people with my blundering confidence or make a fool out of myself by balking.

Thanks everyone,
-Apollonian

Living4Him03 · May 17, 2004

Well if you're INTJ I know that personality type pretty well, my b/f is INTJ, so I could advise you on small talk It's good to see that you are so concerned for others. If you need some tips on small talk I'd be glad to help. I think I know a few things God Bless!

white dove · May 17, 2004

Um, here's a thought, sweetheart..you seem like a really really cool guy so here's what I'm mon' suggest, k? :
When it comes to the 'small talkin',considering these girls are in the same major you are...why don't you try to talk to the girls about your degrees, what you plan on doing in the future with yours (like, duh, aerospace stuff but specifically what area perhaps?), what problems you may be coming across as a result of your high brain capacity, the sum of the square of the sides of a triangle, you know? I mean ,that last part was way dumb but...you catch my drift? Also, if there are any meetings on aerospace hoo ha that your school offers (VERY slick way of getting to meet up w/ someone but also makin' it a casual affair ). Um, does that help ? *hoping*

Apollonian said:
The other thing is that I don't quite know how to bring up the question: "Are you christian?"

this is cute..and if I actually talked to guys anymore, this is what I'd say:
'Um..so will that be before church lets out or after?'
or something to that effect...
I wish you good chatting, apollonian
p.s. some girls think it's mighty cute for guys to be a lil' shy around them..it shows us that you likey us!
ALWAYS adorable !!! mawwww

Lbiagm · May 17, 2004

why not talk to them after class apollo.

Apollonian · May 17, 2004

To White Dove, check on the talking about future in Aerospace. It is quite dull, however, and doesn't seem to carry a conversation when we mostly want to forget about work for other things. As for shyness being cute, heh, perhaps you are right. However, I am more worried about that coming off as geekish infatuation rather than simple timidity! Though geekish I may be when it comes to computer code and astrodynamics, I am not nearly so much a geek in personality! If I know what to do, I am not shy, and if I don't know what to do, chances are I will differ action.

To Lbiagm, usually the quiet ones take off shortly after class. So would I if I didn't really have anyone to talk to. Unfortunately, I do have good guy friends to banter with (and questions to ask professors) so I usually get wayleighed after class. Hence, therein lies my difficulty. Besides, what conversation could I hope to have in the five minutes or so before the next class begins? Short of randomly asking such a person to meet some other time to talk, I can't see how to fit in information gathering in or around class.

Does anyone have any ideas for ways to quickly introduce yourself and open the possibility for future short dialogues. In one case in particular, the person just seems to be reserved most of the time and I am tentative even to wave and say hello casually as a friendly gesture. I am trying to figure out how to open up the ability to very simply be friendly to the person on an average basis so that 'chatting' is not so difficult when the opportunity arrises.

fishstix · May 17, 2004

Apollonian said:
Hmm, ok, good thoughts everyone. But this all seems to assume I have the luxury of talking with said person. I'm talking about looking up someone's email address in order to start talking with them (via email). This is especially the case since the semester is now over and we have a few months before our senior year.

From what you are all saying, it makes me think that (to my dismay) I need to work on my small talk rather than look for an easier way out (which I had thought to be clever). Is this what everyone is saying? That email is only alright after you get to talking?

*Sigh* Anyone have any suggestions, book recommendations, or clinics which may help a guy who has no idea how to small talk besides openly asking direct questions of people? (I've already read Debra Fine's book on small talk) Also too I would appreciate any words of experience people might have regarding how to approach individuals who seem shy or overly quiet, especially those who seem to be having a hard time at things. I really feel this is an area that God is convicting me in, and I am tentative to dive off for fear that I may either hurt other people with my blundering confidence or make a fool out of myself by balking.

Thanks everyone,
-Apollonian

If you just try looking up email addresses without talking to the person first, there is a good chance that the person will either delete the email along with their daily spam because they don't know the person who sent it or they will be really creeped out by getting a personal email from a stranger, especially from a stranger who claims to know them but they don't know him. While some people may take a personal email from a stranger in stride, those are probably not the shy or overly quiet people who you seem to wish to email. You need to at the very least say hello to the person and introduce yourself in real life before you start sending emails. Just sending off an email may be less socially stressful for you, but I suspect that getting a personal email from a total stranger would be worse for a shy girl than would having a stranger in her class sit down and say hello. So yeah, you're going to need to step out of your comfort zone and start with small talk. Considering that you are going into your final year and thus the people you will be talking to likely are as well, I would suggest issues regarding aerospace engineering, your classes and assignments, upcoming graduation, and plans after graduation as appropriate topics that even the very shy and quiet people should not find too intrusive or hard to talk about.

In one case in particular, the person just seems to be reserved most of the time and I am tentative even to wave and say hello casually as a friendly gesture.

Don't be. That's the simplest and least threatening way that you can possibly open up communication with the person. Go ahead and say hello casually. If that is too much for the person, then you are not going to have better luck with any other method of approaching them.

GeorgiaGuy · May 18, 2004

I'd stay away from "aerospace" girls. It sounds like they're trying to act like a man, and they'll likely be a dominating type of woman.

Initiating a friendship by email (?)

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