Indecisive

[Cright]

Today he came home for lunch, which isn't typical. While I was sifting through the freezer in the basement, he wrapped his arms around me and tried to hug. When I closed the freezer, he turned me around and took my arms in his hands and looped them around his neck so I would hug him. I did hold him, but I am having a hard time wanting to emotionally connect with him. I just told him that because he ignores something, that doesn't make it go away.

Jenna,

That IS my dad... he blows up.. and then after he's calmed down, and decides it's over. At that time all things in his mind should go back to "normal" (whatever that is) and be done with. A good "sign" that this has happened is that he goes around hugging anyone that is around who saw his outburst (my mom sisters & me) and expects it to be reciprocated. No words, no conversation, no apology. He "knows" he's right.. but it's over and done with.. so why worry.

It scares me for you Jenna... not because you'll suffer one horrible blow that will end things.. because I don't think that will happen, as you believe, either.

It scares me because you will endure years of "blow-up's" that "aren't really that bad". In the long run.. these little things add up... for me being the child and growing up with this all the time (chair thrown into wall, door kicked, wall punched, glass broken) it made me feel resentful, mad, angry and lonely... not just at my dad.. but at my mom for allowing it. My sisters and I have all said that we've "hated" my dad. I regret it now.. I love him... I just don't like him. I still don't like him. My sisters being older have even more problems dealing with his demenor, which apperantly has "improved" over the last 20 years. The big problem is that these things will become normal in your daughters eyes... she will think that this is how relationships are, and that's not healthy. I was lucky enough to have a HUGE family all living close.. so I was able to see from other close examples that it was not normal.. but that even made it harder too.. I wished that my uncle was my dad, and my friends dads were my dad...

It took me until about 2 years ago to "forgive" my dad.. and I still don't like him.. but have learned to love him again. Jenna.. I don't know what the solution is, but please contact your pastor and get his advise. This MUST be addressed and it can't continue.. the more you allow it now, the more he'll think it's okay for the future.

God Bless,
Carina

saying many prayers for you Jenna!

 

[alaskamolly]

Yeah, that was basically my dad, too. Though he really met God a few years after I left the home, so things are a LOT different in that home now (praise the Lord!)...


It took me awhile to get used to my husband...you know, in some ways, I think I'm STILL getting used to him, because he's so NOT like that...but that was the way I grew up thinking a man was, so... My poor husband--he's got some godly patience, let me just say that!

So I wouldn't say it was the ideal childhood or anything, and I've really had a hard time learning about God as a Father (lots of misconceptions there, probably even still!), but at the same time, the Holy Spirit is a good Teacher, and He teaches His students (even lunk-heads like me! )...and so (let's say worst-case scenario) if Jenna's husband NEVER changes, her daughter still has a Father who will be sure to teach her what real Stability and Peace are.



Anyways, all that to say that my dad was very similar to Jenna's husband, though he was a (baby) Christian during that whole time...but one day (sadly, thru the death of one of my younger siblings), my dad literally met God, and he's never been the same since. Outbursts of anger still happen every once in awhile--sure--but he's right there repenting as soon as they're over. He seriously is a different man--a different countenance and everything, and I love him so much!!!!!!!!


So, as with ALL of us and our OWN particular quirks and sins and failures, Yahweh's hand is not so weak that it cannot reach even that far...

Blessings,
Molly

 

[bkg]

I bought "The Passion" soundtrack a few weeks ago. There is a song by Bad Paisley and Sara Evans called "New Again"...

Just remember these words:
Whatever happens
Whatever you see
Whatever your eyes tell you has
become of me
This is not
It's not the end
I am making all things new again.

What does that have to do with this situation - it's just a little reminder that Christ can and will renew... He changes things. He turns hearts, He heals. He makes things new.

bkg

 

[bkg]

There will always be bad days. And then there will be those days when you sit outside on the porch, looking at the stars in wonder and amazement, with a feeling of complete peace and contentment, knowing that throughout the struggles and throughout the pain, as you look over and see your spouse staring up at the same sky, and he wraps his arms around you tighter you know with every fiber of your being and every feeling in your heart, that all is right with the world and in your life, because you are exactly where you are supposed to be.

I hope you have more of those nights.

God bless - hang in there!

 

[Jenna]

I have faith that the Lord will work this situation for the best, so long as we keep our hearts trained on Him. I think that it makes a lot of sense that maybe Michael needs the input of another man. *nods* When I see our church friend again, I will ask him if he would share with Michael how his own anger management class has helped his spiritual relationship, and his marriage. Maybe if Mike hears how much this has helped a man that he identifies with and respects, he might just see more value in it.

I think that one of the reasons why I am reluctant to give Michael space is that I don't believe it will motivate him to improve himself. It might just pressure him into taking a class or speaking with someone, but then it will always have that stigma attached to it that I "made" him do it, and not that he chose to make the changes himself.

You're right, that my husband isn't a monster. For the most part he is an easy-going, fun, responsible, and hardworking man. Michael really is a wonderful person. I understand that we all have areas where we are particularly weak, and these areas can be exploited for evil. I truly believe that his temper is one of his very weak areas.

As always, it is forever a goal of mine to protect my daughter. She is precious to me, and I consider an extra special blessing from the Lord because of my childbearing problems. I do find myself trying to weigh which is going to benefit or harm her more, to see Mommy trying to calm and correct Daddy in his anger, or to see Mommy and Daddy living in different places because Daddy got too mad. I keep thinking that in seeing us overcome these anger issues, Anna will also pick up on the lessons that we are all going through, and will feel better seeing her father make progress. I'm afraid that if she only sees us 'running' from Daddy and his anger, she might actually demonize him more than if he had a chance to work on his emotions and also to comfort and apologize when he slips up. I do acknowledge that I will have to be faster on the draw in heading off the explosive behavior, and making sure that she is comfortably and quietly removed from the room and the situation.

 

[whatseekye]

Removing my personal information. Jenna, if you want to talk, you can give me a private message and I will be happy to help you.

 

[~PICKLE~]

Jenna

Can you do me a favor and clean out you PM box so i can send you something........

 

[bliz]

Jenna, as you consider the possible things your daughter will see and think, consider these as well:


Daddys hurt Mommys.
Daddys scare children.
Women go to bed with men who hurt them.

This is textbook abusive behavior. It will continue. It will also become more violent. It always does. Whatever his anger issues are, they weren't quenched by "roughing up" a 3 year old, or by hitting things. He will try something more violent to cope with the anger he feels.

No one here thinks your husband is a monster - we think that he was damaged as a little boy and he needs help so that the little boy can heal, and so that the man he became will not hurt others.

I buried a friend whose husband killed her. The abuse started with his hitting things, then him hitting the walls and cabinets near her, then right beside her, and then punching her in the face and eventually shoving her down the steps which broke her neck. They had been an active couple in church; he had taught Sunday school. AND the cops could not prove he shoved her, and so he raised their children after he had killed her. I can't begin to tell you how screwed up those poor kids are.

He is not likely to seek help on his own. He is trying to be kind and loving, trying to keep in control, trying not to ever let it happen again. And he will fail. He needs help. He doesn't want it, but he needs it.

Read Abigail's story in the OT. When her husband's decision and actions put her and her household at risk of harm, she took action. She did whatever she could to protect herself and her family.

 

[Jenna]

Hi Pickle! I've cleaned our my inbox, so there is room if you want to send me a message.


---------------------------------

I have to say that I've been confused my my husband's anger issues, basically because we seem to have pretty good communication skills. It is rare that we have a real argument, or that we have a hard time compromising on something. I've noticed that since we've moved in with Michael's family, his episodes of explosive temper have escalated a great deal. Most times he is fighting with his brother, which I have a hard time faulting him for. I think that he needs to be the more mature of the two, but it's also hard to advise him to simply walk away when his 15 year old brother walks into a room and hits him in the back of the head as he walks by. There are times when I can understand becoming very angry, but this latest episode was definitely not one of them.

I think that some of the problem is that Michael doesn't have good coping skills. He is under tremendous stress right now, and working so hard and long that I know he feels as though he has nothing left after the day is done. I really do feel for him. I know that I'm exhausted with all of the work that we are doing to get into our house, and I'm not working a very physical job during the day before we head to the house. I know that he feels as though he is at his breaking point, and I just wish that there was an easier way to get him the help that he needs in learning how to cope with the stress. It's classic Michael behavior to pretend that a problem doesn't exist. I already know that, since he's admitted to using avoidance most often when things aren't pleasant.

What I'm hoping he will understand is that even when he is angry, there are other ways to handle the emotions that flood him than being destructive. He doesn't seem to understand that there is something else that he can do. So, maybe if I can at least get him to admit to having a problem and being open to seeking help, he can learn some other ways to handle stress and anger.

 

[HeatherJay]

Jenna

I know that Anna is your top priority in all of this, but just realize that everything that she experiences or witnesses in this situation will change her. I know you love your husband, and I don't believe that he's a horrible monster or anything like that, but he does need to realize that it's time to stop being so selfish with his violent outbursts. Yeah, he blows up and then he feels better, but at what cost? Is it worth it to him to literally change the person who his daughter is by blowing up in front of her? Breaking things and punching things? Or by fighting with you and pushing you around in front of her? You said yourself you could SEE how afraid she was when that happened. If you put yourself in Anna's 3 year old shoes and imagine what she saw going on from her level, it's really easy to understand why she was so terrified. Is it fair to Anna to allow his behavior to continue until he sees the error of his ways or decides on his own to go to anger management?

I know you love your family, but I think, at all costs, you need to protect your daughter from experiencing something like that again. You can choose to remain in an abusive situation (and his outburst was abusive), but Anna has no choice.

I'll be praying for you, girl.

 

[whatseekye]

Removing my personal information. Jenna, if you want to talk, PM me and I will be happy to help you in any way I can.

 

[whatseekye]

...

 

[aprile78]

Jenna,

I grew up in a house where my mom was abused..........I can't imagine wanting my daughter to see the same things I did. I do agree with Michael to take a break away for a while with your daughter, and get counseling as a couple. There are some deep issues (sounds like) that need to be resolved.

I can say all of this, but have been where you are.....

 

[Cherberrie]

Jenna,

Whatever you decide to do, make sure Michael has truly found a way to deal with his anger, and it's not just a "short-term fix". I read your posts, and I see my mom and dad. My father is not physically abusive, but he does have an anger problem and has hit and thrown things in the past. I love my dad, and I know he has a good heart, but he will not acknowledge or deal with his anger problem. My mom has excused his behavior for so long, until recently when I had a rather ugly confrontation with him, and now she is speaking up as well. Dad and I have not spoken since then, but my mom says he is treating her much better.
I don't think my dad is an evil, bad man. I see him in his ministry to the mentally ill, and it baffles me how he doesn't see his anger as a problem.
I'm not saying I had a horrible childhood. I remember more happy times than bad times.
However, we've kept this under the surface for so long, and it has now exploded. I don't even know if my dad and I will be reconciled for him to walk me down the aisle next year. I pray that we will. It has hurt me to the core, this whole thing. That's why I felt compelled to tell you all this, so you and Michael and your daughter will not have to go through what my family is right now. I'm praying for you, and I know God has his hand on your family (and mine).

 

[shania]

When I read your first post and heard that your husband arrived home late and the strange behaviour started since then (it sounded like it started then in your post, but I am not 100% sure) I have to admit my gut reaction was "I wonder if he cheated....."

If you generally treat him in a loving way the anger must be coming from him and it has nothing to do with you. More like he is angry at himself for some reason, but he is wrongly taking it out on you and your family.

Then, in another post, I went on to read that family members say they saw him as an angry person before, way before you know him...then I wasn't so sure about the situation, if this was the first time anything like this had ever happened to you.

Maybe my hunch was nothing at all, but I just wanted to mention it because it was the first thought that came to my mind and there are definately some things you don't know about him or what is going on in his life if his behavior seemed to come out of the blue and I hope that he will talk to you about these things in the future.

Take care of yourself and your little one. God bless.

shania

 

[Cherberrie]

Jenna,

That IS my dad... he blows up.. and then after he's calmed down, and decides it's over. At that time all things in his mind should go back to "normal" (whatever that is) and be done with. A good "sign" that this has happened is that he goes around hugging anyone that is around who saw his outburst (my mom sisters & me) and expects it to be reciprocated. No words, no conversation, no apology. He "knows" he's right.. but it's over and done with.. so why worry.

It scares me for you Jenna... not because you'll suffer one horrible blow that will end things.. because I don't think that will happen, as you believe, either.

It scares me because you will endure years of "blow-up's" that "aren't really that bad". In the long run.. these little things add up... for me being the child and growing up with this all the time (chair thrown into wall, door kicked, wall punched, glass broken) it made me feel resentful, mad, angry and lonely... not just at my dad.. but at my mom for allowing it. My sisters and I have all said that we've "hated" my dad. I regret it now.. I love him... I just don't like him. I still don't like him. My sisters being older have even more problems dealing with his demenor, which apperantly has "improved" over the last 20 years. The big problem is that these things will become normal in your daughters eyes... she will think that this is how relationships are, and that's not healthy. I was lucky enough to have a HUGE family all living close.. so I was able to see from other close examples that it was not normal.. but that even made it harder too.. I wished that my uncle was my dad, and my friends dads were my dad...

It took me until about 2 years ago to "forgive" my dad.. and I still don't like him.. but have learned to love him again. Jenna.. I don't know what the solution is, but please contact your pastor and get his advise. This MUST be addressed and it can't continue.. the more you allow it now, the more he'll think it's okay for the future.

God Bless,
Carina

saying many prayers for you Jenna!

That's what I wanted to say (further down the thread), you said it so very well though, about the little blow-ups happening over and over again for years, and it becoming "normal".

 

[Leanna]

Jenna-- I think you and I are married to the same man! My husband is the laid back type of person who lets his anger build until BANG he just explodes. Earlier in our marriage he did hit me sometimes and it was scary. One time, I had a black eye. Sometimes other bruises. He broke a chair once, picture frame, even a cordless phone. He liked to throw things, and it would scare the cra* out of me because I would be afraid I was next. But mostly he is a good man. This was the main issue that drove us apart in our marriage. The way it made me feel was horrible!! So then I was closed off to him. I finally did move out, but as you know I was not the wisest in the way I went about that! But moving out for me was the best thing for us. I have been living with him now for 5 months and he has not dared to hit me. I have told him that if he does hit me again, I will get a divorce, sin or not. Counseling can really help too. If it were just you I wouldn't recommend moving out based on what I have heard, but because he has almost accidently hurt your daughter, .... well it may be considered. You need to lay down the law. Touch you or her again roughly, and you're moving out for a bit. Tell him that. Of course then you have to have a plan to follow through or it won't work. It is really hard to be abused and I don't much like to talk about it, but I survived and we learned and he really is a good man. He still has a temper though, because he lets it build and build. But he knows now I am serious that if he touches me or David roughly, I'm out. He didn't take me seriously and shape up until I moved out.

 

[Leanna]

Shania is right also.... I had the same thought.... if he's acting strange just recently, maybe it is guilt over an affair

 

[desi]

Jenna, hello stranger-I told you so, wink.

He is probably ashamed and afriad to show it.

If I were you I might use the sandwich method and say something like...

Honey, I know you have been through alot, Anna and I look up to you and respect you for all you do for us. It bothers me that you seemed so angry at Anna the other day. Is there anything we could do to make things easier for you?

He will probably open up since you focus the blame away from him.

Praying for you,

desi

 

[charligirl]

Jenna, hello stranger-I told you so, wink.

He is probably ashamed and afriad to show it.

If I were you I might use the sandwich method and say something like...

Honey, I know you have been through alot, Anna and I look up to you and respect you for all you do for us. It bothers me that you seemed so angry at Anna the other day. Is there anything we could do to make things easier for you?

He will probably open up since you focus the blame away from him.

Praying for you,

desi

Good advice! Wb Desi btw