In-Laws Interfering

[RoseWater]

I don't know if this is the best title but I couldn't think of a better one. Here it goes: My boyfriend and I plan on getting married this year. Our relationship has been drama free until recently. His sister texts him everyday asking him to help with her son's homework. The boy is in elementary school and the homework is easy. It takes my boyfriend about 30 mins or less to help with the homework. It's been bothering me lately and I don't know if my concerns are legitimate or not. I just need all of your opinions. The thing that bothers me is the fact that it's becoming an everyday thing. I plan on starting a life with my boyfriend and I feel he has a new family, his own family he will start with me. Tonight, while we were supposed to have dinner together he was texting his sister the homework information. I ended up eating alone most of the time. He recognizes his mistake with the dinner and says he won't repeat it. I'm still concerned about him wanting to help his nephew with his homework everyday. I almost feels like his sister is interfering with our lives. What do you all think? Am I just being mean? I'm really confuse as to what is okay and what is not in this case. Thank you all.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Does the boy have a father? If not then maybe a good uncle is the next best thing.

If you marry him its a package deal, his family comes with him.

 

[Hetta]

I don't know if this is the best title but I couldn't think of a better one. Here it goes: My boyfriend and I plan on getting married this year. Our relationship has been drama free until recently. His sister texts him everyday asking him to help with her son's homework. The boy is in elementary school and the homework is easy. It takes my boyfriend about 30 mins or less to help with the homework. It's been bothering me lately and I don't know if my concerns are legitimate or not. I just need all of your opinions. The thing that bothers me is the fact that it's becoming an everyday thing. I plan on starting a life with my boyfriend and I feel he has a new family, his own family he will start with me. Tonight, while we were supposed to have dinner together he was texting his sister the homework information. I ended up eating alone most of the time. He recognizes his mistake with the dinner and says he won't repeat it. I'm still concerned about him wanting to help his nephew with his homework everyday. I almost feels like his sister is interfering with our lives. What do you all think? Am I just being mean? I'm really confuse as to what is okay and what is not in this case. Thank you all.

He recognizes that he made a mistake in not putting you first during dinner - that is a good thing.

For the rest of it, I think it's a wonderful thing that your bf shows this kind of love and concern for his nephew. Many would not. They would be too busy having fun to spend half an hour with a kid.

I would say to cherish what you have, and even get involved yourself - go with him to your future SIL's house and get to know her and her son, because these will be people who will become very important to you in the future and it's better to have them on your side than against you. Of course, when you are married, you will be first with your husband and he will be first with you, but I really wouldn't discourage him from this half hour a day given to the boy. One day, bear in mind, he will most likely be doing this with your children.

 

[ValleyGal]

I think it's admirable that uncle wants to help with son's homework. However, if he feels it's interrupting his time with you, he could suggest that he see if the school provides after-class tutoring or homework services. Or he could help his sister learn how to help her own son...at least sometimes. I would not expect him to stop all his help otherwise it could interfere with uncle/nephew relationship. I think the secret is to see if, throughout dating you, he is eventually going to make the leave/cleave transition. Leaving and cleaving is not about forsaking his family of origin; rather, it means that you and your new immediate family (ie, children) come first. So far, it looks like he's willing to do that. you will be able to tell through things like your dinner that night - will he answer a call and let sister know that he would love to help after he has finished his dinner with you first. Those are the kinds of things to look for.

 

[Inkachu]

It's nice of your b/f to care so much about his nephew and his sister, but you DO have a point. The fact that his happens every single day is a little odd; is your sister incapable of helping an elementary age child with homework for some reason? And if he's having such a hard time at such a young age, where he can't even get through one, single day without calling his uncle for help, he probably needs to be evaluated by the school and might need tutoring.

So, your b/f's intentions are good, he sounds caring and concerned and helpful. But this should not be happening every. single. day.

 

[ChristianGolfer]

It's nice of your b/f to care so much about his nephew and his sister, but you DO have a point. The fact that his happens every single day is a little odd; is your sister incapable of helping an elementary age child with homework for some reason? And if he's having such a hard time at such a young age, where he can't even get through one, single day without calling his uncle for help, he probably needs to be evaluated by the school and might need tutoring.

So, your b/f's intentions are good, he sounds caring and concerned and helpful. But this should not be happening every. single. day.

This.

Also, it doesn't sound to me like your bf is actually helping his nephew with the homework. He's helping his sister help his nephew with the homework. So it's not like there is really any one-on-one bonding time with the nephew. Besides which, it seems like a very inefficient way of going about things.

He really should be able to do his homework himself. If he can't, if he needs help every day, then the teachers should be notified that he's struggling to keep up.

Rosewater, have you talked to your boyfriend about any of this yet? Has he said how he feels about helping his nephew? Does he do it because the boy really needs help or is he just unable to say "no" to his sister?

 

[akmom]

You're not even married yet, and you're already controlling what he does with his time. What a great opportunity to evaluate each other's needs before you tie the knot!

I am going on nine years of marriage. My husband and I do not tell each other how to spend our time. We fit time together whenever we can. Home, in our opinion, is a time to relax and not be burdened by a spouse's demands. Unless of course it's an important or urgent matter. Earlier in our marriage there was a fair share of attention going to the in-laws, because his mother had two very young children and a husband deployed overseas. Was it my husband's responsibility to fill in for his father? No. Did I get neglected in the process? Sure. Could they have survived without him? Certainly. But it was something he really felt he should do, and I could accept that.

Not everyone can. If you imagine a future where you will get to sit down with your husband for dinner every night (excluding emergencies and the occasional incident), then you need to let him know that is the kind of wife you will be. Ask him if he can accept that, or if he will feel overly burdened by it. Because if he's the kind of guy who needs more freedom than that, you might just end up resenting each other.

It sounds like the nephew is having difficulty in math. Or the mother is having difficulty teaching him math. I'm going to speculate here, because a lot of schools are switching to something called the Common Core math curriculum. It's an entirely different way of learning math than what you or I learned, if you schooled in the western hemisphere. So a LOT of parents who did fine in math are suddenly finding themselves unable to help their children with homework. Because it's not the way they were taught at all. (Think carry-over addition and borrowing in subtraction... scrap all that.) Others have more flexible "math minds" and are able to grasp the Common Core concepts, even though they learned differently. Maybe your fiance is the latter.

Is it your fiance's responsibility to bridge the teaching gap? No. Might you get neglected if he chooses to take this role? Yes. Are there other resources available to help his nephew get through the math basics? Probably. You need to decide if you are going to be okay with that or not, and then communicate that to your fiancé honestly. Marriage is the time to bear through differences. Spouse selection is the time to make sure you're actually compatible.

 

[ChristianGolfer]

The OP didn't say the homework is math.

In any event, I don't think it's fair to the OP to say that she's being controlling. For one thing, she hasn't actually told him he can't help his nephew.

Demanding that your spouse do only what you want them to do and when is controlling and that's not cool. But, spouses do have some say in how the other spends his or her time. It also wouldn't be cool if one spouse declares "I will not be controlled" and does whatever he or she wants with no regard for how that affects their spouse and family.

Neither of those things appear to be happening here. I honestly don't think this is a deal-breaker situation where she needs to tell him this is how she's going to be and if he doesn't like it, they should break up.

What this is is a perfect opportunity to practice the kind of communication and give-and-take that makes a marriage work. The OP just needs to have a conversation with her boyfriend and let him know that she feels his sister demands too much of his time and it concerns her.

Then they can work on a compromise.

 

[LinkH]

Sounds like a nice guy. It's good of him to help his nephew with his homework.

 

[RoseWater]

This.

Also, it doesn't sound to me like your bf is actually helping his nephew with the homework. He's helping his sister help his nephew with the homework. So it's not like there is really any one-on-one bonding time with the nephew. Besides which, it seems like a very inefficient way of going about things.

He really should be able to do his homework himself. If he can't, if he needs help every day, then the teachers should be notified that he's struggling to keep up.

Rosewater, have you talked to your boyfriend about any of this yet? Has he said how he feels about helping his nephew? Does he do it because the boy really needs help or is he just unable to say "no" to his sister?

You bring up a really good point. My boyfriend helps by texting his sister the correct answers to the homework. So what he is really doing is double checking on the boy's answers since his sister does not know the answers to all of the questions. The homework is in the subject of English and one time it was science. Now that I think about it, the science was easy enough that she could have used google to find the answers. The sister is the one who is actually there in person helping the boy with the homework. She lives in a different state, so my boyfriend is not there helping in person.

I have spoken to my boyfriend about this and we both kind of clash in this area. He feels torn because he wants me to be happy but at the same time he feels he needs to help his nephew because he loves helping people and can't say no to them. At the same time, he is getting tired of texting his sister every day. But, I guess it sounds like he isn't doing much helping since the boy needs real help from a teacher or tutor because he is struggling. I didn't see that before until you mentioned it.

So, my boyfriend and I have spoken about it. Since we have not come up with a resolution, I've decided to see what people here think. I let him read this thread yesterday when everyone said he was being a great uncle. Now today, I see some are saying it is odd for him to be helping every day.

Everyone brought up great points. I will talk to him more about it today. Thank you everyone.

 

[Hetta]

Is the boy really struggling in every area of the curriculum? If that is the case, then he definitely needs some tutoring.

I do still think he is a great uncle, no matter what. And the kind of person he is will making him a great dad. But this kind of comment does make me wonder: "he loves helping people and can't say not to them." It's wonderful to want to help and be able to help, but being able to say "no" is also important. If he doesn't learn to use that little two letter word every now and then, he will burn out at some point, and you may have burned out long in advance.

His sister may be just as concerned about keeping up the bond between them all as anything else. Did you answer whether she is a single parent?

 

[RoseWater]

His sister may be just as concerned about keeping up the bond between them all as anything else. Did you answer whether she is a single parent?

She is married.

 

[Hetta]

She is married.

Ah. So why isn't dad helping with the kid?

My husband and I took it in turns to help kids with their problems and also, needless to say, we didn't supervise our kids that closely with homework. We had them really try hard to work out problems, and if there was a lot of homework they didn't understand, then they needed to go back and talk to their teacher, because teachers told us that homework was always based on concepts learned in class. So either the kid wasn't listening, or simply hadn't absorbed a concept, in which case the teacher needed to give some extra instruction. If they weren't listening, then the kid needed to make some changes to his/her attention span.

While its good to have parents well invested in their kids' education, googling answers or getting answers from others to make sure that the kid's homework is perfect is not necessarily the best response. It can give the teacher the wrong impression of where the kid is at.

But those aren't your problems - they are your future SIL's problems. Would you be willing to point these issues out to your fiancé because he may not be doing his nephew a huge favor in the long run. Although I don't know whether your SIL would see it that way.

I don't actually see your SIL as 'interfering' btw. If this interaction was already in place before you guys met or got engaged, then she's just carrying on business as usual.

 

[RoseWater]

Ah. So why isn't dad helping with the kid?

My husband and I took it in turns to help kids with their problems and also, needless to say, we didn't supervise our kids that closely with homework. We had them really try hard to work out problems, and if there was a lot of homework they didn't understand, then they needed to go back and talk to their teacher, because teachers told us that homework was always based on concepts learned in class. So either the kid wasn't listening, or simply hadn't absorbed a concept, in which case the teacher needed to give some extra instruction. If they weren't listening, then the kid needed to make some changes to his/her attention span.

While its good to have parents well invested in their kids' education, googling answers or getting answers from others to make sure that the kid's homework is perfect is not necessarily the best response. It can give the teacher the wrong impression of where the kid is at.

But those aren't your problems - they are your future SIL's problems. Would you be willing to point these issues out to your fiancé because he may not be doing his nephew a huge favor in the long run. Although I don't know whether your SIL would see it that way.

I don't actually see your SIL as 'interfering' btw. If this interaction was already in place before you guys met or got engaged, then she's just carrying on business as usual.

His sister recently got married. Her son is her stepson, so the homework helping thing is new. The homework the nephew needs help on is mainly English and neither of the parents have perfect grammar which is why they go to my boyfriend for help.

My boyfriend does not see the problem with him giving half an hour of his time to help his nephew everyday. I don't know why but for some reason it just doesn't feel right to me. I can't figure out why.

 

[Hetta]

His sister recently got married. Her son is her stepson, so the homework helping thing is new. The homework the nephew needs help on is mainly English and neither of the parents have perfect grammar which is why they go to my boyfriend for help.

My boyfriend does not see the problem with him giving half an hour of his time to help his nephew everyday. I don't know why but for some reason it just doesn't feel right to me. I can't figure out why.

Ah. So it's a part of their bonding perhaps. I wish you had given all these details up front.

Are you guys getting any couples counseling? If not, I think you should. Maybe your counselor could help you to figure out why you have these strong feelings. Are you generally possessive? (I'm not saying that you are, I'm just asking.) Do you feel this way with anything that takes up your fiancé's time or just his sister?

Just ask yourself some questions like that. They might give you some insights.

 

[RoseWater]

Ah. So it's a part of their bonding perhaps. I wish you had given all these details up front.

Are you guys getting any couples counseling? If not, I think you should. Maybe your counselor could help you to figure out why you have these strong feelings. Are you generally possessive? (I'm not saying that you are, I'm just asking.) Do you feel this way with anything that takes up your fiancé's time or just his sister?

Just ask yourself some questions like that. They might give you some insights.

We did do pre-marital counseling with a pastor. We talked about conflict resolution and we learned so much, but I did not see an issue like this coming up and we're really confused as to what to do. I thought about calling my pastor to schedule a session concerning this issue. I will most likely do it now.

I don't think I'm generally possessive but I used to be when I was in high school. My dad left my family when I was a kid so I have a fear of rejection and neglect. I've had therapy prior to meeting my boyfriend, so I've had a lot of time to grow and heal. A lot of the baggage isn't there anymore but I like to stay vigilant. Part of the reason I decided to post this issue on the Forum was to see other people's input. If everyone said it was normal then I'd be able to move past it. Now the different responses have me confused. Just a few minutes ago, his mom mentioned something to him about his sister calling him everyday. She didn't know that I had brought up the situation to him too. I guess I am not crazy?

Well, I'll go ahead and call my pastor. I do appreciate everyone's input. You've all been very helpful. And thank you for taking the time to help me too. I am so thankful.

 

[Hetta]

I think it's a really good plan to call your pastor.

The fact that you had those feelings of rejection from your dad leaving may well play into your feelings now.

It's probably never going to be cut and dried whether you are 'right' or 'wrong'. These are your feelings and there's nothing 'wrong' about having feelings. What you just want to figure out is whether there is a real basis there, or whether you are projecting those childhood feelings onto this scenario. I hope that your pastor is able to help.

 

[Odetta]

There are two issues - how this is impacting your relationship with your fiancé, and how is this really helping the stepson.

For the first, as Hetta said it's good for your and your fiancé to get some counseling and work through the issue together.

For the second, your SIL and BIL need to figure out a better way to get the boy the help he needs. The occasional few minutes (5 - 10) once a week or so to clarify an answer is one thing. An everyday occurrence to help with a whole subject for 30 minutes (the length of half the typical tutoring session) is a much bigger issue and should be addressed locally, even if it is a simple of them looking things up on the internet (which would probably help their own English skills). Now, is your fiancé able to tell that to his sister? Or will need some counseling on learning how to appropriately say no?

 

[Inkachu]

I agree with Odetta. It's NICE that your boyfriend is such a caring, involved uncle, but if this child needs help every single night with homework, he needs a tutor or some other avenue of help from his school. I don't think your boyfriend is doing anything wrong (if someone in the family - and his sister and nephew will ALWAYS be family, you don't "replace" them - needs help, he is perfectly in the right to do what he can), my concern here is that the child is not getting what he needs from his own school and parents.

 

[Avniel]

This.

Also, it doesn't sound to me like your bf is actually helping his nephew with the homework. He's helping his sister help his nephew with the homework. So it's not like there is really any one-on-one bonding time with the nephew. Besides which, it seems like a very inefficient way of going about things.

He really should be able to do his homework himself. If he can't, if he needs help every day, then the teachers should be notified that he's struggling to keep up.

Rosewater, have you talked to your boyfriend about any of this yet? Has he said how he feels about helping his nephew? Does he do it because the boy really needs help or is he just unable to say "no" to his sister?

If you do that then he could be lost in the system unless he's in a private prep school. That's how things used to be done if you talk to most parents in the public school system particularly in urban areas it's almost like the parents have to teach the children. America ranks low as far as education is concerned our teachers are less equipped and under paid, in urban cities if the parents don't help it's a 50/50 chance that child will become lost in the system.