In-Law Qs

[Sarah2BH]

Firstly, any stories about living with in-laws in the beginning of a marriage? And how important is it that a new couple focus on being financial able to have their own apartment/house right away? It seems that my fiance and I could save a lot of money simply by getting married and cutting out the phone bills and travel expenses that it takes just to visit each other. However, we would have to live with his mom for a while to start, while we saved this money to put toward a place of our own. I understand that it might be tough, but my family tells me it's not worth it!?

Second, my fiance's dad has recently (as in yesterday and today) made contact with him after 20+ years of avoiding. It's a long story, but I'm a bit nervous about it. Any advice?

 

[CounselorForChrist]

I see nothing wrong with living with eithe sides family when you marry. In todays econemy it seems to be happening more and more. I live at home because I am disabled and when my fiance marries me we will be living here at home unless we choose to move out at some point. My parents are open with it, especially knowing I will lose some SSI money by marrying and also the fact she may not get a job right away since her english isn't 100% just yet.

I don't know your family obviously but the typical american thought is "My child is over 18 now, I really don't want them coming back home!". So families nicely try to tell you stay away. It may be what they are saying. If a family loves you they should understand the situation, your their child after all and on top of that your getting married. Something a parent should be happy about.

Of course I do understand if they live in a small house or something. Our house isn't very big. Its only two bedroom but now there will be 4 people living here plus two cats and possibly children in the future.

 

[Sarah2BH]

His mom is very accepting of the idea and welcomes us to move in with her.
The problem is my family warning me that I will end up having issues with her because a household "can't handle two women". I'm told that we will get into spats and that it just won't be fun.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Mmm I see. Well often times women seem to clash with each other. Especially when its two married couples living together. Two Alpha females fighting to be in control more or less lol. But really that just depends on the two women. Some women get along fine living together. Example is my mom can be controlling, but my fiance is more of a submissive woman so they won't clash.

It also helps to talk about it with them and see what everyones view of living with them is. What I mean is talk about things like respecting their rules under their roof since they own the home. Because alot of people find it hard to live under someone elses roof and be stuck by rules. If you think you and your future hubby are ok with living under someone elses rules then you should be fine.

The only conflict I will have with my parents is my dad doesn't want us having children because the noise would carry upstairs and wake him up. Its kind of aggrevating but I accept it, more so because me and my fiance don't really want children for the time being.

 

[dysert]

Firstly, any stories about living with in-laws in the beginning of a marriage? And how important is it that a new couple focus on being financial able to have their own apartment/house right away? It seems that my fiance and I could save a lot of money simply by getting married and cutting out the phone bills and travel expenses that it takes just to visit each other. However, we would have to live with his mom for a while to start, while we saved this money to put toward a place of our own. I understand that it might be tough, but my family tells me it's not worth it!?

Second, my fiance's dad has recently (as in yesterday and today) made contact with him after 20+ years of avoiding. It's a long story, but I'm a bit nervous about it. Any advice?

In my opinion, I wouldn't think it's good for a newly married couple to live with their parents. (Full disclosure: we didn't live with our parents after we got married, so you may want to totally ignore my opinion.) First of all, living with others doesn't seem to be God's plan. Gen. 2:24 says, "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."

It seems to me that it's important to establish yourselves as a unified couple with your own identity. Not only that, but the early years of marriage are probably the most challenging. You're getting used to living with another person; you're working through things like finances, church, sex, chores, etc. This first year is hard enough without throwing in another family, group dynamics, "house rules", etc.

Yes, it is obviously financially beneficial to live in a group setting, but I wouldn't put finances ahead of launching out on your own. Anyway, when does it stop? If you want to reduce the financial burden why not just keep living in a group until there's physically no more room to do so?

Granted, I'd welcome my kids back into my home in an emergency, but I'm sure it would be stressful to both my marriage as well as theirs. Both I and they know that it's better for our marriages if we each have a buffer zone around us.

As to the issue regarding your fiancé's dad, without more information it's hard to tell what's going on, so it's hard to offer any advice. Some (rhetorical) questions to consider: Who caused the avoidance in the first place? Why did it go on so long? Did either party try to patch things up in the past? Was there sin involved? If so, is there now repentance? What would be the ramifications of getting back together?

I can understand your being nervous about the whole thing. I guess the thing to do is to just go slow and remain cautiously optimistic that this might be the beginning of an important new relationship.

Best wishes for you in your upcoming wedding .

 

[sunsong12]

I think it's a good idea to live with in laws at the beginning of marriage. When I first got married, 24 years ago, I wish I had done so. My husband was in the military and I think we could have made a good life in the small town where he grew up.

How big is the house? Is the house spread out enough to provide privacy? Will you have your own bathroom?

I advise that you and fiancee establish a space for yourselves within the home as well as shared space and talk about privacy, shared expenses, etc. upfront. I also think maybe you need to establish how much time you want to live with your in-laws and stick to it.

With my in-laws, we would have had plenty of space, pretty much have the whole upstairs of their home to ourselves plus my in-laws are very social and active with various activities. The house was also on 10 acres, which, had we gone this direction, we could have probably established a separate living space for ourselves and still been living there with them to this day.

I like it when families can live together and help each other and I think we need to do this more. Sadly, I know I could never do this with my family of origin. But, I do think this would have worked out with my husband's family.

 

[Sarah2BH]

We would have our own level of the house with our own living room and connected bedroom and bathroom. We would share the kitchen and laundry room.

As for the dad, he was abusive and threw him across the room when he was a baby. His mom filed divorce and dad moved to Australia within five years. It caused my fiance much trauma as he thought his dad hated him. He tried contacting his dad many times but was always turned down, even unfriended on Facebook. Once, his dad gave him a few thousand dollars, but my fiance found out that this money had been paid to his dad by his grandparents in order for him to spend more time with my fiance. Now, since we have announced our engagement, his dad has reached out to us. One thing he told my fiance was to be sure that I don't just love him out of pity because he wouldn't be able to get another girl.???

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I tend to feel pretty strongly that, unless there's some huge, extenuating circumstances, after you get married you should be out on your own. Where and how you live should be one of the things long settled and established before you walk down the aisle. Your financial future is one of those key elements to a marriage, something that can lead to so much stress, hurt, and yes, even divorce (money is cited as one of the key reasons behind divorce) and it should be really all settled so that, when you come together, you're a sustainable unit of your own. If not, you run the serious risk of starting out your marriage with no real concept of how to be that financially viable, self-sustaining unit.

No matter how much you like the inlaws, you will need and want the space, not to mention, having other people there will dilute what should be your time to be with your spouse.

 

[dysert]

As for the dad, he was abusive and threw him across the room when he was a baby. His mom filed divorce and dad moved to Australia within five years. It caused my fiance much trauma as he thought his dad hated him. He tried contacting his dad many times but was always turned down, even unfriended on Facebook. Once, his dad gave him a few thousand dollars, but my fiance found out that this money had been paid to his dad by his grandparents in order for him to spend more time with my fiance. Now, since we have announced our engagement, his dad has reached out to us. One thing he told my fiance was to be sure that I don't just love him out of pity because he wouldn't be able to get another girl.???

Boy, I'd have a hard time establishing a relationship with someone who did that to me. (Not saying I'm right -- just being honest.) And the "pity" remark doesn't sound like something that would be said by a real nice guy.

 

[If Not For Grace]

Top 3 problems sited by married couples

1. Money
2. Kids
3. In-Laws

A newly married couple does not need ANY one else living with them period. You need alone time. One to enjoy each other, two when the new wears off a bit to adjust to each other.

Not only would I not want to live w/my In-laws I would not want to live within walking distance of them nor my own parents-it's just too easy for ALL of you to stick your well meaning noses in each others business.

A man shall leave his mother and cling to his wife and the two shall become one...

This is a process..not a magic trick..It takes time to happen. Give it time, children will come, grow up and leave-then..if you are blessed will come the time for the in-laws (on both sides) to be helped by you and then may include them living with you. To everything there is a season.

If the two of you can not afford to live on your own starting out, how is it you are living on your own now?. Remember it is better to struggle a little now with finances than to start out being in debt..to creditors or one another's family. Learn to lower your financial requirements a bit. Learn to save-there is no better skill to have in a marriage than knowing how to save a bit for a rainy day. It does rain, in fact if floods-no one gets skipped by the rain. People who are not ready for financial independance are not Likely to be ready for Marriage.

You need to be able to solve problems together, to grow together and to acquire together..Listen to your family--they have more experience in this than you.

 

[Sarah2BH]

Thank you!

 

[If Not For Grace]

No-thank you!
I do not respond to questions with the answers most want to hear-but I figure smart, intelligent people can take what they like and leave the rest. People need to hear the good and the bad that CAN come with decisions-but no decision is a good one unless it is an "informed" one. Thank you for being open to all sides. Good Luck and my prayers are that you two will be very happy together--til death do you part.

 

[Sarah2BH]

lol. I do appreciate all sides. Decisions like this take a gleaning of knowledge and lots of prayer before commitment.