in desperation

[struggling boy]

i don't know if i'm not praying loud enough or hard enough...

i try to talk with God about other stuff and we seem to get on pretty well...
but no matter how hard i try, even with asking for His help, pleading for His help, screaming til i'm blue in the face for His help, there's one thing He doesn't seem to want to help me change about myself...

i guess i've come round to posting this in the hope that somehow if i can get a few more people praying with me, there might be some small hope of it making a difference...

i've spent quite a bit of time searching the forums (as well as my soul) and i have come to realise that there will be an overwhelming proportion of people who will want to condemn me as soon as they finish reading this post...
i have seen enough hatred and disgust and spiritual stone-throwing towards people like me that i felt maybe i should just keep my mouth shut... i have even seen those who seem to delight in the torment of people like me because it provides an opportunity for self-congratulatory sneering, a chance to gang up with others who share the same superior feelings and holier-than-thou attitude and enjoy the same 'privilege' of not having to face my kind of inner pain every day of their lives...

ugh and now i am feeling consumed by my own sadness and anger again... not a clean way to be asking for help, i know... please, forgive me...

i'm finding this terribly hard... perhaps if i just share with you an extract from a recent prayer i offered up to God (even though once again, i only got back the same 'red light' feeling i seem to have each time He doesn't seem to see fit to grant the requests i offer to Him). oh, and please excuse the style if it seems too casual to you, i guess it's quite a personal thing, He seems to have been ok with it on other matters in the past.


God,

um

i need You
i really need You

please, i need You to teach me where i'm sposed to go from here

i don't want to love the people i already love any less... i don't want to change the good stuff about me, the stuff that pleases You

but i want to be able to appreciate the whole wonderous male-female sexual design of Yours, the whole being attracted to women thing that seems to be eluding me so much right now

i feel so much love and attraction for people like <--->...
but he's a guy, like me...
i mean let's look at him as a prime example - i'd do anything for the guy, i'd lay down my life in love for him if i had to, i really would... and i don't feel it as a selfish love
is it?
i don't feel like it is... i like talking with him, i like his company... i love making him smile, it makes me feel warm inside

i mean that's gotta have something to do with love, right?

so... it's not like i'm incapable of feeling love

so can You teach me to feel that depth of love for women (even just a few) too?

i want to

i want to be normal... to be heterosexual

i want to find a female and settle down and get married and do the whole biological miracle thing, all that wonderful biology of Yours

ok, that's a whole bunch of "i want" and i guess it should be less about that and more about what You want for me...

but i really do feel strongly about wanting to do the right thing by You

i mean, if i could just... find out how to connect with women, find one that attracts me more than superficially...

why have i been single so long? why no women? is it because they can read me and tell i'm unsure? what am i supposed to do about it?


and more importantly, how on earth am i going to keep living this lie?

deceiving the people who love me so much - or at least love the 'me' that they think they know?

i daren't tell anyone, anyone at all other than You how i'm feeling about all this.

i'm scared for my faith, God.

not scared about how much i love You - that won't go... but the religion... the Christianity... the faithful community...

the folk with such welcoming smiles and open arms who play such a wonderfully rich and fulfilling part in my life... the people who care about me and love me and pray for me and enrich me... and whose trust and respect and love for me will all be irreparably destroyed in an instant if i ever share my true feelings with them

i don't want to be pushed away from Your teachings, Lord.

i mean, i'm not about to stop believing and trusting in You, in Your coming to earth, in Your glorious Resurrection and Ascension and everything that those things signify; The Creed will always (with Your help) be my creed.

but if in order to be an Actual Fully-Fledged Christian i have to believe that my love, the love that i feel for others, which, even though it's nothing compared to Your true Love, still moves me and drives me and motivates me for good... if i have to believe that that very love is itself damnable... i don't know where that leaves my religious faith

i'm really scared, God.

scared by the love i have, even more scared for the love i may lose.

this is getting harder every day, each day is like an emotional roller-coaster and at this rate i'm worried about coming off the rails

please God, if you're hearing this... a helping hand would REALLY be appreciated

i mean REALLY SERIOUSLY

please

 

[Live4God]

PRAYing for YOU & YOUR NEEDS Right Now!

 

[seangoh]

sorry to hear u're struggling. I don't know what's the best advice there is. But if i were in your shoes, i'll try to avoid the guy friend and mix around more with the girls. Start thinking also what kinds of qualities in a girl you'll be attracted to.

 

[struggling boy]

oh, man... thank you... makes such a difference to have someone reply...
i didn't know what to expect, it was my first post here... i've been feeling so very desperate lately, i had to try something...

i know it was a very long post, long enough to put some people off from reading it all, no doubt... but just to know it's been read is... well, it means a great deal to me...

may God bless you

 

[struggling boy]

just a thought... maybe God had this particular nightmare in mind for me because whenever i get this upset, i tend to channel my emotive energy into trying to concentrate on helping other people instead?

i still feel like i'm being eaten away from the inside by the guilt of something i never even did... but i've just spent the last hour doing nothing but concentrating on other people while i've been talking with Him, and i suppose in a way that's a good thing.

 

[Cat59]

Praying for you, that in giving this problems to the Lord, as you have, you will find that inner peace you seek.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Hey little bro.
*hug*
I love you and had to tell you that.
God loves you too.
I've got this much figured out.

 

[Blessed2003]

God does love you very much, and He does hear your prayers, always. Do not let your thoughts rule you, you know very well that we all sin. You know that the defense we have is resist the devil and he will flee from you. I understand how hard this is for you. I said a prayer for you, and I know our Father hears our cries for deliverance, and if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you can believe that your prayer for deliverance is answered. If the thoughts continue remove yourself from the temptation, sin is a trap, and once you give in it brings death. As long as you resist you get stronger. Do not worry about if another judges you, they will have to answer for that. May God grant to you a release from the deceitfullness of sin that desires your soul. May He fill you with His love that overcomes. May He send to you some of His people who can help you through your journey.
God loves you, and so do we, the rest of His children, because we are all struggling right now!
Faith, hope and love in abundance to you.
Love you,
Brandy

 

[struggling boy]

live4god, seangoh, cat59, mr. cheese, blessed2003... and of course anyone else who may have taken the time to read what i first posted...
i'm not sure quite how to express my gratitude for your support sufficiently... but i feel humbled and privileged to have encountered people so caring and unselfish that they would take the time to pray for me - thank you so much!

i've had a long talk with God, last night and a lot of this morning... in fact i've probably spent more time talking with Him over the past 48 hours than i had in the last few weeks...

i will admit maybe i'd grown a bit skeptical previously about whether the praying was actually having any worthwhile effect (i offered up those feelings in my prayers too), but the weird thing... and i'm not making this up, i promise... was that somehow today i ended up feeling more... empowered, or focused, or uplifted, or... something... i'm not sure exactly how to describe it... something strong and good... and i found myself thinking maybe, just maybe, it really does work after all... i guess i'm still a bit too insecure to stick my neck out and say that i could 'sense' the effect of people's prayers, but... something - whatever it is - has improved my sense of inner self worth sufficiently for me to feel a difference... and i am bold to hope that it has something to do with His Love making itself known

there may yet be a long road ahead, but at least i'm heading in the right direction.

as for the core struggle itself, well, i still get the feeling that my brain's ability to feel emotion and attraction the way it's being doing so far is as innate for me as it is for the penguins (cf. the gay penguins article referenced elsewhere in these forums), and that i can't realistically plan on trying to 'eradicate' that part of who i am... but i have found a renewed hope that if He deems it right for me to add heterosexual attraction to the list of abilities i've been blessed with, and to use that as a positive and Acceptable direction in which to move forward, then with His help that's exactly what i'm going to do.

thank you once again!

God Bless

 

[devoted daughter]

Be still, have patience; you won’t hear an anwser if you are “sceaming.” Remain prayerful, and as Christ instucts us, “pray for those who persecute you”. He said this because there is a truly redeeming and releasing power in this. Those who judge will be judged. Sadly, those who are “self-congratulatory” build a barrier between themselves and His Spirit.
May the Lord give you peace, and comfort. May He guide you to become the person He wants you to be, and lead the right people to your life. May He give you patience, protect your heart from harsh words, and bring you hope. His will be done.
God bless
DD