In a relationship with someone with a split personality

[m0eseph]

I have been with the guy I love for 2 years. Going into this relationship, I knew he has depression, bipolar (i have both too), and I knew earlier in his life he suffered from schizophrenia. I recently found out that he has a split personality. I noticed that he has been getting more angry and would lash out over small things constantly, and he would either not recall doing so, or he didn't realize what was happening till it was over. I'm starting to be able to tell one from the other now. The other part of him is very angry, hates everything, gets enraged when something doesn't go his way, and at times (when we goof around and play wrestle) tends to get carried away when play hitting, to actual hitting. I have to stop him and tell him he's hurting me to get him to snap out of it. And I can see it in his face that he didn't mean it. How do I go about this? I know I must pray, and I'm hoping all of you will as well. But how can I help him? I'm not going to leave him, cuz I love him and I will stay with him for better or worse. I just don't want him to be like this. And I want him to be happy. Before its said, I cant make him go to a therapist because he doesn't like talking to strangers about his issues let alone talk about them at all, and he doesn't have money for it. Please help?

 

[michaelwriting]

As I mentioned in other posts, I had dealt with being married to someone with this kind of problem for over 20 years. I had to setup and enforce boundaries, and had to detach in many ways from the codependent relationship that I had formed with this person. There was one time where it was almost like something out of the Exorcist. Her face was red and pulsating and her eyes were like she was possessed. I'm surprised her head didn't completely spin around. Scared the heck out of me.

I had a number of friends who mentioned that it might be Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). There is a popular book called 'Stop Walking On Eggshells' which addresses this behavior. There is also a great website (bpdfamily.com) which has help and support forums for this.

Again, I had to set up serious boundaries for the behaviors...what I was willing to accept and what I wasn't willing to put up with. I had to put my wife in jail twice and do a lot of other serious consequences for her behavior. I also had to work through various programs like Celebrate Recovery. I had to allow God to change her, because I couldn't. Seems like God has finally begun to deliver her from her sickness. (Wish he had worked on this sometime sooner than 20 years, but I guess I'm grateful now.) It was hell on earth.

You have my condolences and support. May God give you the tools and resources you both need. Take care and be strong.

Mike

 

[Johnnz]

He will need specialist therapy. At this stage you don't know just how many alters he has. Life can get very complicated with such people, who usually have experienced horrible times.

John
NZ

 

[BFine]

I have been with the guy I love for 2 years. Going into this relationship, I knew he has depression, bipolar (i have both too), and I knew earlier in his life he suffered from schizophrenia. I recently found out that he has a split personality. I noticed that he has been getting more angry and would lash out over small things constantly, and he would either not recall doing so, or he didn't realize what was happening till it was over. I'm starting to be able to tell one from the other now. The other part of him is very angry, hates everything, gets enraged when something doesn't go his way, and at times (when we goof around and play wrestle) tends to get carried away when play hitting, to actual hitting. I have to stop him and tell him he's hurting me to get him to snap out of it. And I can see it in his face that he didn't mean it. How do I go about this?

*Number 1-- don't do any horsing around or play hitting ever!
I think of that as "training for spousal abusers".
Make it a point today to tell him there will be no more horsing around or play hitting due to the fact he starts hurting you.

I would strongly encourage him to seek help if he refuses, I would not continue dating him if he refuses to get help.

I know I must pray, and I'm hoping all of you will as well. But how can I help him? I'm not going to leave him, cuz I love him and I will stay with him for better or worse.

*Are you two living together? You do realize that is wrong(sin)?
You can love someone all you want but it doesn't mean you have to take
being abused by them, regardless if they seem like they don't realize they are doing it. The fact is: he hits you and it hurts. Hitting is wrong and it's against the law. You don't want to "allow" him to think or believe that you will tolerate being abused.

Loving someone is a choice. You want the best for that person even if it means you can't be with that person due to whatever reason...for examples: being abused, toxic relationship, sin/unrepentant etc.

Praying for him is good but if you two are willfully sinning then you are hindering those prayers.

How can you help him?
* Repent if you two are living together or engaging in sexual sin etc.
Encourage him to seek professional help. Talk to his medical doctor and or immediately family about his mental health. His mental health isn't something you can diagnosis...he could be needing changes to his meds etc.


I just don't want him to be like this. And I want him to be happy. Before its said, I cant make him go to a therapist because he doesn't like talking to strangers about his issues let alone talk about them at all, and he doesn't have money for it. Please help?

*Very true, you can't make him go to a therapist or see a doctor.
You can encourage him to go;however, you shouldn't allow him to use
his "illness" to manipulate you.
Loving someone and using someone is two different things.

You can't make him change but you can change how you respond to him.
Refuse to be used/manipulated -- You aren't able to give him the treatment/therapy he requires.
He can talk to you, at one time you were a "stranger" to him. He got to know you over time...so he is capable of doing that with a "stranger" who is a therapist also....it takes some effort on his part but as you know, he put forth effort to get acquainted with you.

If he doesn't have money there are resources available for people with mental illness. You could find someone he could talk to, attend some meetings with him etc.

He has to do his part, you can't do it all for him.
You can support and love him but you don't have to
date someone who refuses to get help /puts up road-blocks.

I would also encourage you to talk to a counselor and talk to your
minister about your situation.
I also encourage you to connect with some prayer partners in your own
area/church.

 

[Catherineanne]

He will need specialist therapy. At this stage you don't know just how many alters he has. Life can get very complicated with such people, who usually have experienced horrible times.

John
NZ

The condition is now known as dissociative identity disorder, rather than split personality. The person is not several different personalities, but rather one person fragmented into different ages. The different alters often do not realise that others are present, although one of them may come to understand this.

It is not easy to deal with, but I am not sure it is the same as schizophrenia.

 

[Naomanos]

*Very true, you can't make him go to a therapist or see a doctor.
You can encourage him to go;however, you shouldn't allow him to use
his "illness" to manipulate you.
Loving someone and using someone is two different things.

You can't make him change but you can change how you respond to him.
Refuse to be used/manipulated -- You aren't able to give him the treatment/therapy he requires.
He can talk to you, at one time you were a "stranger" to him. He got to know you over time...so he is capable of doing that with a "stranger" who is a therapist also....it takes some effort on his part but as you know, he put forth effort to get acquainted with you.

If he doesn't have money there are resources available for people with mental illness. You could find someone he could talk to, attend some meetings with him etc.

He has to do his part, you can't do it all for him.
You can support and love him but you don't have to
date someone who refuses to get help /puts up road-blocks.

I would also encourage you to talk to a counselor and talk to your
minister about your situation.
I also encourage you to connect with some prayer partners in your own
area/church.

Very good advice, but I'm curious about something that you said and I will quote it below.

"Number 1-- don't do any horsing around or play hitting ever!
I think of that as "training for spousal abusers"."

Is that advice for everyone or just in this situation?

Reason I ask is because my wife and I will horse around (when she's able to) and play hit, yet I would never think of ever hitting my wife in an abusing way. I know that my wife feels the same way towards me.

When we horse around and play hit, that's exactly what it is, playing around. We laugh and generally just have a great time.

I can understand it being advice for this situation or situations like this, but I'm not sure that it should be advice for everyone.