In a bind..

[BRDispatch05]

Hey guys, I'm in a bit of a bind. Two of my best friends were on the virge of getting married about a month ago ((and still are as far as i know)), but she has been on a trip to Japan for about that long and comes back the 20th. Since she's been gone, he has slowly grown apart from her, and has actually been seeing another girl. I trust him, and he said he's stayed faithful and hasn't cheated on her, but he told me that he's not sure if he is in love with her anymore. Now, this has happened before. He dated her for almost a year, and one day just didn't feel the same anymore and they broke up. about a month later he went to training for the army for 6 months, and during that time, he slowly gained back her trust, and they started dating again. He said from that expierience, he was sure he made a mistake and after a while they planned on marrying. Well, now she is suspicious, and it is hard to communicate cheaply from Japan, so I get quick emails about if everything is alright with him and if he has done anything to lose her trust with this girl. I haven't said anything yet, because i'm about to move in with him, and I'm great friends with her, so i don't want to be in the middle, but i still want to be a good friend. She has another 10 days there, so I don't want to make her worry and say that he might have different feelings, but I don't want to tell her everything is peachy and when she get's back it just smacks her. I told him that he shouldn't be hanging out with this other girl, or he should at least wait for his girlfriend to get back to meet her first. He said that he would back off, but today, he went to her house to do his laundry ((Cheaper then the drycleaners...)). I don't know what to do, and the words im going to say are going to be fragile. If anyone has any expierience on being in the "middle" of something like this, please give me advice on what NOT to do so i'm not the one that screws this up. Thanks for reading

Brad

 

[Apollo Rhetor]

Hi. I wish I could tell you what you could do, but I don't know. Your position is not enviable.

Your friend needs to understand that love is not something given from above, or something that happens by external forces. Love between two people is a choice. If he has fallen out of love, I believe that is a choice. He needs to realise that he won't always have the fluffy feelings inside himself, and that's not what's important. That will come and go over time, but what must remain is a commitment to the other person and a promise to keep loving them. A promise that you can make, because love is an active choice.

That's what I think, anyway. I don't know if or how you could tell him that, or even if you should. I just think he needs to make a choice himself to commit. And stand by his decision like a man, so that he can be a loving and Christian husband.

 

[deu58]

Hi Brdispatcher05

Hi. I wish I could tell you what you could do, but I don't know. Your position is not enviable.

Your friend needs to understand that love is not something given from above, or something that happens by external forces. Love between two people is a choice. If he has fallen out of love, I believe that is a choice. He needs to realise that he won't always have the fluffy feelings inside himself, and that's not what's important. That will come and go over time, but what must remain is a commitment to the other person and a promise to keep loving them. A promise that you can make, because love is an active choice.

That's what I think, anyway. I don't know if or how you could tell him that, or even if you should. I just think he needs to make a choice himself to commit. And stand by his decision like a man, so that he can be a loving and Christian husband.

I agree, You are in a really bad spot and you probably are going to get hurt to, You may want to consider not moving in and even distancing youself from him for awhile until he makes up his mind about what he wants,

It could just be cold feet on his part, Fear of the marriage comittment, Have you asked him about how he truly feels about getting married??

praying for you!!

yours in Christ
deu 58

 

[novakreo]

Hi Brad,

If you're moving in with him, and friends with her, you're probably already stuck in the middle. You can limit your involvement, but it's not something you can really avoid.

I think before you say anything to the girl, you should encourage the guy to think seriously about what he is doing, and to not repeat a mistake he has already made once before. If you make something out to be more than what it is, you may inadvertently plant seeds of mistrust that are very hard to uproot.

It's not up to you to cover for him, or to admit his wrongdoings or changed affections (if any). He needs to take responsibility for his own actions. Even if his friendship with the other girl is innocuous, perhaps he should consider holding off until his girlfriend returns, so it doesn't look like he's been sneaking around behind her back.

I'm not suggesting you abandon your friends (indeed, quite the opposite, you should continue to love and support both of them), I'm just saying that your involvement is entirely up to you, and sorting things out with his girlfriend doesn't have to be your problem unless you want it to be.

I really do hope things work out well for everyone involved.

 

[revrobor]

An engagement is not a marriage commitment. Better for her to learn about his lack of devotion now than later.

Get yourself OUT of the middle. It's not your place to be a "matchmaker".