in a bad place

[Anonymous]

I don't know why I'm here, except that I am fairly sure that if nothing changes this is going to go badly.

I'm not sure what advice you can give, or maybe you just need to give a little prayer for a useless slob in Columbus Ohio.

I'm in bad place, a real bad place. I don't think I've ever been in a good place, but this is as bad as I can remember.

I really hate doing these "it's all about my past" and one of these "When I was in first grade, my teacher didn't give me 3 gold stars, and that's how it all started...." things.

But I don't know how you would understand where I'm at, if I don't give you background. I'm am a Christian. I grew up in the church. And for most of my life, I have always had a strong... sense.... faith... whatever that G-d is in fact there. Like a real person.

Regardless, my experience of life has been nothing but misery and pain. At the age of 40 now, I still work low-wage jobs, to doing boring crap work that I hate. Every attempt at a career has failed. Every attempt at a degree in college has failed. Every attempt to do anything worth more than $10 to $15 an hour has failed. I'm working a dead end job, with no future, and no hope.

But I think both us know, that the pain of a lack of purpose and career, is piddly compared to the pain of people.

Every person that has been in my life, has hurt me. This includes family. And my parents were good people compared to most.

But worse has been all the other people. Co-workers, church people, everyone has found the power to harm me. Every single person that I mistakenly allowed to get close enough to call a friend, has stabbed me in the back and left me to die in my own blood.

Not one has found a way just be.... nice. For the last 25 years plus, I have always made it my purpose to pray for them, and wish them the best. Just say, yeah maybe they don't like me, but I wish them the best. I've tried for the scripture, to forgive them, as G-d forgives us.

But this last time, something broke. I lost it. I've been fighting this for 2 weeks now. The first week after the event, I was fine. Why get upset? This is how my whole life has been. Why should I expect any improvement? But for someone reason these last two weeks, I have been out of my mind.

I think I know what did it. When I got this last dead end miserable job, I had my normal promise that I wouldn't get to know anyone, and I wouldn't make any friends. I was going to keep to myself, and do my job.

For some reason I broke those rules, and made some friends there. When I made these friends, for a brief moment, I thought.... maybe.... just perhaps... life didn't have to be endless misery and pain. Maybe even I could find one or two people that were actually nice to me.

All for nothing. Both have completely disrespected, and shamed me. False hope, can be devastating. Again the first week, I was fine. Just another stab in the back. It was routine. I half expected it.

But now... all the good will.... all the wishing them the best.... all the forgive and forget.... it's all gone. All I see in my mind is absolute 100% pure hatred. I hate them. I hate them all. These people, and all the people before them. I hate every single last one of them.

This man today started lecturing me about how I didn't do what he wanted when he wanted, at the time he wanted, even though I was loaded with work, and didn't get out of the lab until 2:50 AM, when my shift is over at 12:30.

My mind was nothing but black fury. That sniveling pathetic snot rag of a human being. When that crazy lady was screaming at him, I told my supervisor that I heard the whole thing, and she was crazy, this man did nothing wrong. I stood up for him. When has that trash pile of a human ever stood up for me? When he was loaded with work, there were dozens of times I came and offered to help him. When did he ever offer to help me, even while sitting in his chair playing games on his phone? Never.

This is why I work for the Lord? This is the thanks I get for working my butt-off for the last 25 years of my life? To be stepped on by every person that has ever been in my life? Working my butt off for 25 years, has resulted in just a rash on my butt.

I don't know what the people of Nineveh did to Jonah personally, but I'm there. I don't want G-d to save the cruel worthless people of this nation. I want him to burn it to the ground, and make sure he takes me out as well.

Why live? For what? So I can continue in more dead end jobs, with the only hope being that I get abused more and more by everyone I have no ability to avoid until I die? I'm 40. I've put up with this non-stop, for as long as I have memory. I do good as best I know how, and have never seen anything but evil in return. Not one time has G-d provided anything close to a reward worth having for all my suffering and effort.

Does he take care of me? Sure. I'm still here. Still suffering. Still existing. Still wasting away in awful jobs.

At this point, I want him to go to the manager, so I can walk in there tell absolutely everyone off, and walk off the job.

But then what. What difference will it make. I'll just have to find another miserable dead end job, with more worthless piles of human trash to work with, who will without a doubt treat me just a badly as the last 100 people in my life.

I've given up on praying for good things, because they never happen. Now I pray for my car to crash, and send me on to the other side. I dream of death, like other men dream of beautiful women.

I don't know what you are going to say to all this garbage, and there likely isn't a Bible verse you can tell me that I haven't heard a million times. I've been listening to the Daily Audio Bible for 5 years now. Verses are great, but they haven't matched up to reality yet.

I went to a Christian counselor at my church. Ironically my own father is a Christian Counselor for his church. He can help others, but he can't help his own son. Anyway, that counselor after I said all this, his only advice was.... find a friend. Well that turned into a train wreck of epic proportions. Nothing like having a streak of every single friend causing you pain and suffering, and then actually intentionally getting a friend, and have them cause you pain and suffering. I felt like the dumbest fool on the Earth after that moronic choice.

Maybe the best you can do is pray a little prayer for me. Perhaps G-d will listen to you, even though he never listens to me. I know that Heaven will be great and wonderful, but when I look at the next 40 years, and consider it being like the previous 40, that knowledge just makes me want to take a gun, and my myself Holy.

It's 4 AM. I'm going to take some pills, and go to sleep. After all... I've work tomarrow.

 

[Chaplain David]

Hello,

I'm sorry you feel so bad. Everyone has to deal with problems in their life, sometimes sooner, sometimes later, but we all have them. If I told you mine you might be surprised.

What I suggest is that you start therapy with a Licensed Professional Counselor or Licensed Clinical Social worker who are Christian. They can help with the depressing thoughts which can in turn give you a more positive attitude and more hope for your life. Talk to your health care provider about your depressing thoughts and he can help. Perhaps he'll prescribe something to help you with them.

I know it is hard, but stay as close to God as you can. Also, it may be worthwhile to talk with your pastor.

Telling you we all have our hurdles to overcome may not help. But we do and those of us that are doing it or have done it will tell you it's worthwhile to persevere. Following are some verses about problems: What Does the Bible Say About Problems?

Here also are some verses about perseverance. 18 Bible verses about Perseverance Some of the verses might be the same. I've never used this site before and I hope it is good.

I am praying for you. Please write back as you can and we can talk some more.

 

[Anonymous]

Hello,

I'm sorry you feel so bad. Everyone has to deal with problems in their life, sometimes sooner, sometimes later, but we all have them. If I told you mine you might be surprised.

What I suggest is that you start therapy with a Licensed Professional Counselor or Licensed Clinical Social worker who are Christian. They can help with the depressing thoughts which can in turn give you a more positive attitude and more hope for your life. Talk to your health care provider about your depressing thoughts and he can help. Perhaps he'll prescribe something to help you with them.

I know it is hard, but stay as close to God as you can. Also, it may be worthwhile to talk with your pastor.

Telling you we all have our hurdles to overcome may not help. But we do and those of us that are doing it or have done it will tell you it's worthwhile to persevere. Following are some verses about problems: What Does the Bible Say About Problems?

Here also are some verses about perseverance. 18 Bible verses about Perseverance Some of the verses might be the same. I've never used this site before and I hope it is good.

I am praying for you. Please write back as you can and we can talk some more.

Thanks.

 

[Chaplain David]

You're welcome. If I missed anything or you would just like to write some more. Please feel free as this is your thread. God bless.

 

[Anonymous]

You're welcome. If I missed anything or you would just like to write some more. Please feel free as this is your thread. God bless.

No, you missed nothing, and there is nothing else worth writing about. I just have to accept the fact that this is what G-d has given me, and this to shall pass when my life ends.

 

[Chaplain David]

God bless you and as I said, the thread will remain open for you to post in as you like. I'll continue to pray too.

 

[Chaplain David]

No, you missed nothing, and there is nothing else worth writing about. I just have to accept the fact that this is what G-d has given me, and this to shall pass when my life ends.

Just had some thoughts on this. I believe that we get more peace when we align our will with the Lord's. But related to this is that I've never seen a situation that didn't improve when we've done this. I believe that your situation will improve over time. But concentrate on seeking the Lord. Other things, some possibly to great to imagine, will follow.

What do you think?

 

[Chaplain David]

Good morning. I saw this thread in my inbox and wanted to let you know that I'm still praying for you.

 

[Anonymous]

Just had some thoughts on this. I believe that we get more peace when we align our will with the Lord's. But related to this is that I've never seen a situation that didn't improve when we've done this. I believe that your situation will improve over time. But concentrate on seeking the Lord. Other things, some possibly to great to imagine, will follow.

What do you think?

I'm sure that you are correct. Of course we have more peace when we align ourselves with the Lord.

Obviously when I do something evil, get angry for wrong reasons, or do not do what the Lord wants... say lying to someone about something, I feel terrible. I should feel terrible. I did what is wrong, or evil.

When I do what is right, things are better than when I do wrong. This, as I am sure is true of all Christians, has always been the case throughout my life.

Still... I wake up in the morning, to go to a place I don't want to go, to do work I don't want to do, so I can earn the pay I need to continue the monotony of life, with no hope of anything better to come. Aligning yourself with the Lord, doens't change the reality of life.

So I can repair the back door that is falling off it's frame? $1,000 I don't have, to fix a door I don't use. Reminds me of Proverbs 13:22. When I was younger, that verse seem to be an unseen glorious justice of G-d. Little did I know it was talking about me. Fixing this place up, with money I waste my life away earning, so that someone better and more blessed by the Lord, will enjoy it.

So I ask myself am I the wicked? I assume I must be since this is the lot G-d has given me. However, when I try and see if I am aligned with the Lord, as you say... I don't know what I would do any differently.

Do I not go to Church? Sure. Do I not tithe? Sure. Do I not give to charity? Sure. Do I not forgive, and reach out to help others? Sure. Have I not prayed? Of course. Do I not read my Bible? Of course. When I live my life, I compare it to what I believe a follower of the Lord should do, and try to act accordingly.

What then do I lack. I try to be honest and truthful in all things, even if it causes me harm. I own up to mistakes whenever I know to. I have put in my good effort. I honestly don't know what I would do differently.

And yet for all my now 41 years, I'm still regretting my very existence. Standing for the lord has brought me nothing but pain and misery, from both pagans, and believers alike. I changed churches in the vain hope that it wasn't my incompetence that resulted in my painful experiences, only to find the same treatment elsewhere.

I changed jobs or "careers" in hopes that it wasn't my incompetence that resulted in my being relegated to meaningless positions of low pay and endless monotony, only to find that all other positions I am treated even worse, or fired, or demoted back to wherever I was.

Without knowing why I am only worthy of abuse, and without having any idea what to change, I have no hope of a future in anything. Certainly not in my career. Certainly not in relationships.

I will never stop singing the praises of the Lord. But I also doubt I'll ever stop wishing for this life to end.

 

[Chaplain David]

Hi, it was good to get your message. Something that just came to me is this. Do you think that you are depressed? Are you by chance seeing anyone such as a counselor or therapist? What do you think would help you feel better.

You're doing the footwork which is something many don't do. But for some reason are somewhat removed from the byproducts of joy and other positive things. I'll do what I can here and will be glad to continue to talk with you. This is your thread and we'll keep it open for as long as you like. God bless you and all the best.

 

[Anonymous]

Hi, it was good to get your message. Something that just came to me is this. Do you think that you are depressed? Are you by chance seeing anyone such as a counselor or therapist? What do you think would help you feel better.

You're doing the footwork which is something many don't do. But for some reason are somewhat removed from the byproducts of joy and other positive things. I'll do what I can here and will be glad to continue to talk with you. This is your thread and we'll keep it open for as long as you like. God bless you and all the best.

I'm not anymore depressed than I have been for the last 20 years I don't think. Pretty much when I failed out of college, got a full time job, and realized 'this is it'... I've been where I am.

I saw something on facebook a few days ago, where they had a list of questions about your life, but you were supposed to answer for 2004, and today. Where did you live then, verses now, and what your relationship status was, then and now, and your career then and now.

I realize the answers for nearly all of them were identical. Nothing has changed, nothing has improved, despite all my efforts.

I did see a counselor for a year, but nothing useful came from it. His big answer was 'just get a friend'. Well friends have done nothing but hurt me, so why would I want that?

Ironically, I ended up with a couple of friends, though not intentionally. But as my life is nothing if not consistent, and they ended up causing me endless pain, so I have cut them out of my life. So much for the godly advice of a christian counselor. At least the anger is gone, that I wrote about in the first post. At least it seems to be gone. I've never been so angry over what is routine in my life before. Very unnerving.

What would make me happy now, is beyond me even guessing. What would make this life worth it? Beats me. I had always assumed that it would be a meaningful career. Both of my parents loved what they did. My father told me growing up over and over, that he felt so blessed by G-d for having a job he loved to do. That every day going to work was like going to an amusement park, where he got paid to do what he loved.

So I guess I always thought that I would do the same. I always thought that I would find something that I'm good at, that I enjoy doing, that people would pay me to do.

How foolish. As if G-d is there to provide me a career for my exclusive happiness. Instead, I have no skills, and no abilities. I can do nothing but menial labor. During the course of chatting at work, I mentioned that last year was the first year in my life, I earned more than $20,000 in a single year. My co-work laughed. She thought I was making a joke. Another co-worker joined in. Immigrant guy from Africa with a thick accent. How could I possibly earn so little, when a guy with trouble speaking English can earn more, easily?

How do I know. If I absolutely hate a job, they want to promote me. If I like the job, they lay me off, or fire me, or pay so little I have to quit anyway.

I'm not smart enough to do anything valuable. Not stupid enough to enjoy garbage work, stacking skids in a warehouse. Just a dog, to be kicked around, until I find another place to chew on bones from.

 

[Chaplain David]

I hear you and see the problems you have expressed. It sometimes goes sideways with a counselor and usually means that we have the wrong one. They are human to which means they are not always perfect with what they try to do. I think it might benefit you to try and find another more suitable to your situation and needs. I could help you with it too.

When we know all the problems and know all of the things that are negative it can seem like a lot and sometimes is. But it doesn't feel good and most of us want to feel better. We can achieve that with some work and changes in attitude. Adding some service work is always beneficial, definitely to the person or organization we are trying to help. And usually to us because it sort of resets our mind and emotions to others rather than concentrating on ourselves.

Being outward directed and having our eyes set on others and how we can help them can put us in a much more favorable position in terms of being able to hear the Holy Spirit who is always trying to guide and direct us and show us His love.

God wants the best for you as do I. You are trying to move in a more positive way but seem to be a little stuck in some areas. That is normal and I am confident you can move out of this funk and into a life that is enjoyable, gratifying, and beneficial to you.

What is something you can do to help make yourself feel better? Perhaps there are several things? Don't just shine these questions on but treat them as something that could really make you feel better given a little time and effort. They can also be approached by trying to remove your personal bias and pretending that the person we are talking about is someone else. In that way we can recommend things for that person that might be more useful than the usual complaints. If this doesn't make sense let me know and I'll try to clarify. God bless you and I'm praying for you.

Your friend,

 

[Andrew77]

I hear you and see the problems you have expressed. It sometimes goes sideways with a counselor and usually means that we have the wrong one. They are human to which means they are not always perfect with what they try to do. I think it might benefit you to try and find another more suitable to your situation and needs. I could help you with it too.

When we know all the problems and know all of the things that are negative it can seem like a lot and sometimes is. But it doesn't feel good and most of us want to feel better. We can achieve that with some work and changes in attitude. Adding some service work is always beneficial, definitely to the person or organization we are trying to help. And usually to us because it sort of resets our mind and emotions to others rather than concentrating on ourselves.

Being outward directed and having our eyes set on others and how we can help them can put us in a much more favorable position in terms of being able to hear the Holy Spirit who is always trying to guide and direct us and show us His love.

God wants the best for you as do I. You are trying to move in a more positive way but seem to be a little stuck in some areas. That is normal and I am confident you can move out of this funk and into a life that is enjoyable, gratifying, and beneficial to you.

What is something you can do to help make yourself feel better? Perhaps there are several things? Don't just shine these questions on but treat them as something that could really make you feel better given a little time and effort. They can also be approached by trying to remove your personal bias and pretending that the person we are talking about is someone else. In that way we can recommend things for that person that might be more useful than the usual complaints. If this doesn't make sense let me know and I'll try to clarify. God bless you and I'm praying for you.

Your friend,

Morning Chaplain.

The other counselor was a good man, but he was young. I don't think he counseled anyone before me. He gave me the best advice he had, I'm sure. I think they paired me with him, because they couldn't relate to me. I'm notoriously difficult to relate to.

You must enjoy what you do, greatly. I assume you like giving advice to broken people. I've always thought it would be difficult to spend all day listening to people barf up all their pain and sorrow. But then as I said before, my father does counseling too. I have not asked him what he gets out of it though, if anything.

I'm on super early today. 9AM. The guy who is not my manager, but used to be, sent me home today. I'm not sure if I'm employed. I assumed I was fired, but then my primary manager called me up and gave me a talking to. More like a pleading to, to not leave. Low wage people, willing to work hard, even though they have no future, are hard to come by.

People praise my work ethic all the time, but when you are compared to people who don't work, or put in minimal effort, it's easy to stand out. But zero skill, is zero skill. No one earns good money, when they don't have sell-able skills, no matter how good they are at doing manual things.

Perhaps you'll find this amusing.

The manager at the place I work, said this thing here, was a switch-blade. Standard box cutter at any hardware store..... switch-blade.

I bought it because the knives they have are all garbage. So to avoid wasting time constantly looking for a blade, only to find one with tips broken off, or worn down... I spent my own money to buy my own blade. For that.... I was sent home.

Granted I was happy to go. Don't like what I'm doing anyway. And I don't like this guy. I'm not the only one he treats like dirt, but I guess I'm the only one who had taken the intuitive to buy his own blade.

If this was anyone else's life, I'd assume this was a comedy skit.

For several years I tried the 'attitude' change method of dealing with life. Try and make myself believe that things were good. Say that life is grand, when it wasn't. Constantly pray thanks for all the good things in life.

Certainly I could face far more hardship than I do. For example my parents. I hear from people all the time about how their parents are crazy, broke in debt, need help, have all kinds of health problems.

You want to be gift to your kids? Just be good parents. My parents still married, still love each other, invested wisely their whole lives. I never have to worry about them. I would say out of everything in life, they are the one thing that is undeniably good.

But for me at the end of the day, when things were miserable, things were miserable. Saying and thinking things were amazingly awesome when they were not, didn't work.

I signed on for a training program to drive large trucks. 18-wheels. Going into it, I was optimistic. I maintained a positive attitude. Things were going to get better.

The first day, was miserable. But I believed things would get better. The following week, was worse. But it would improve. The next week was terrible. But I knew it had to get better.

To shorten the story, it was so bad, and so brutal, that I had to quit, and ended up not only not making any money on it, but ended up in debt because of it. Had to go to my parents and beg for a bailout. So pathetic. Felons and drug dealers can make $40,000 a year driving truck, but I end up at 30 years old, asking mommy and daddy for a bailout.

So much for trying to improve my attitude.

As for service work, I'm assuming you mean like charity work. I never thought doing charity work would improve anything. However, I did think it was something a Christian should do. I worked at Faith Mission over in downtown Columbus.
https://lssnetworkofhope.org/faithmission/

Pretty neat place. Although it did absolutely nothing for me, and I never expected it to, I was glad I worked there a couple of years. I moved stuff around, and fixed up the basement, and organized incoming clothing and food and so on. I did what I could. Hope it helped somehow. Didn't help my attitude, but I was glad to do it. It was just a 'right thing to do' if that makes any sense.

I do my best to be positive towards other people. Help when they are hurting. Give when I am able to give. Be friendly whenever I can. I can't say that has ever helped me hear the holy spirit. I don't even know how I would define that.

I have a basic rule of my life. Just a general 'life rule'.... Never steal someones joy. Yeah my life sucks and I hate it. Why would I want to take away the joy in your life? That whole misery loves company, no it does not. I want everyone to win. The best thing that can happen, is I find out my co-worker got a better job at double the pay, and only works 1 day a week.

Always want the best for everyone. Never steal someones joy. What kind of a cruel person does that?

And I don't doubt you want what is best for me. You wouldn't bother talking to a train wreck like me, if you didn't want things to improve. Right? What's the point in trying to derail someone already off the rails? lol Makes no sense.

As for what G-d wants. I have no idea what that is. Maybe this is the best there is for me. Maybe this is the limit of what good can happen in my life? Who knows.

The idea that G-d wants us healthy and wealthy is insane. Remember the Coptic Christians who went looking for work, and ended up martyrs?

Not everyone lives in luxurious blessing. I know better than to arrogantly assume I am one of them. Maybe not. Certainly not thus far.

What can make me feel better? If I knew that, I'd be doing it, sir.

Honestly, either being completely alone, or around someone, usually just one person, that treats me nicely, is all I need to at least be ok.

It was funny because when I had that one friend, and everything was ok... I just started to feel like.... maybe it would be fine. Not happy, but stable. Then they stabbed me in the back, got accused of being a pedophile (I'm not making this up), and realized what a horrific mistake it had been. The only person I dared to consider a friend, turning around and accusing me of being a pedophile.

I'm laughing at myself now. When I think of everything that has happened to me, this would be a great comedy skit. Hilarious. Maybe that's my purpose. To be a literally running gag in real life. lol.... sigh...

So much for being anonymous...

 

[Andrew77]

I was thinking about this today.

My manager convinced me to go back to work, with the crazy manager that thinks a box cutter is a switch-blade. He doesn't really think a box cutter sold in corner stores is a switch-blade, he just wants to make sure everyone knows who is in charge, and that he has control over you. He's not that dumb, he's just petty and controlling.

At any rate, I try and avoid talking to my co-worker too much, and one of the reasons popped up. Everyone is whining and crying that they are not paid enough. I mentioned that last year, at age 40, was the first time in my life I earned more than $20K in a single year. Everyone stopped. This lady that is next to me, looked at me and said "That's crazy. What is wrong with you?".

I had no answer. She persisted, and I finely just said "well obviously I suck".

How funny, that in my attempt to join in with empathy, I end up being singled out as the loser that is making less than everyone else in the room apparently. Now, I know that isn't true. They just couldn't believe that a guy age 40, is making the less than people half my age.

Regardless, I try and avoid getting too friendly with people. I never go out to eat with any of the people I work with. I always eat lunch alone, and avoid invitations for social events. The company has some sort of celebration for opening the new warehouse, and I just went back to my work. No one there I want to talk to, and if I stayed, I wouldn't have anything to say anyway.

There's no point in getting friendly with people, that you'll forget a few months after you leave the job. Or worse, get rejected and treated cruelly by later. What's the point in that?

I have had, a rough estimate, between 38 and 40 different jobs that I have worked in my life. I don't remember almost any of the people that I worked with. Some I remember their faces, but not their names, and not much else.

And more, I almost never 'miss' them. I don't miss the people I've known. Since I've never had any friends that lasted, I don't even expect to remember them.

Yet I was rifling through some old computer files and I came across a poem. Every once in awhile, I just have poetry the comes to mind, and it bugs me endlessly until I write it out, and give it to someone.

I have a little something I wanted to say

I hope you remember it from now on, and day by day

Sometime when you find a friend that is true

Someone who wants nothing more than to care for you

Protect that friendship, and keep it safe

Friends like that that are rare, and can take a lifetime to replace

No one knows what life will bring

Times can be hard, with fear and difficulty

But when God sends a friend, be kind and true

And when you call, they will come, and stand with you
​

I gave this little poem to a girl at work for Christmas. She was young, like a daughter. I've seen her about twice since then.

Now when I think about this poem, it's rather fascinating, that I would try to encourage in others something that I've never had and no longer even try for. I spend all my time avoiding all unnecessary interaction with people, yet promote it to others?

The poem is lie. When you call, they will come, and stand with you? That's never happened for me. Why would I write that?

Maybe it's not so strange to tell others to value something I have never had?

I can remember being told "jesus is your friend", and thinking he had better be something better than a friend, or I don't want Jesus.

However now I find myself missing that girl. Not in a romantic way obvious. I'm old enough to be her daddy. But we understood each other, and quite frankly that is rare in my world.

Even so, I'm annoyed that I miss her. I don't need people in my life. Not anymore. It is unlikely I'll see anyone from the old company, and that's best.

This too shall pass. Just like the anger I had a hard time dealing with, that prompted the original post. No more poems, or co-worker friends, or dreams of a better life. Time to go to bed, so I can go to work tomorrow.

 

[Chaplain David]

Hello, my spouse and I were just away for a couple of weeks. I do apologize for not answering you more promptly.

I see you trying to adapt and respond to situations in your life. Some of them are bringing you trouble and bad feelings. I think that on one hand, you are trying to respond to the bright side of your life and bring positivity to it. On the other, you seem to be placing yourself in situations or even more problematic, responding to people that you know will hurt your or say negative things to you and surprise, they do.

I would not share things with some of these people that keep responding to you poorly. I would however place yourself in a situation or two that might bring you gratification and good feelings. Hand in hand with this is that I think that resurrecting your relationship with the Lord and really seeing how you can partner with Him and deepen your relationship with Him will benefit you like nothing else. That is because He is God and wants to be close to you but you have to let Him in.

I read your last posts and think also that you have a nack for writing. If you do not keep a journal it might be a good thing for you to start one. It's like a diary and it's something that you keep private and put down whatever you want about your life, interests, pursuits, feelings, etc. You might want to also be sure to have God in there with you. Over time you'll be able to look back and see how your relationship has evolved. Your journal will help you in several ways as well. God bless you.