Impossible to move on

[soul2008]

Which means life sucks.

 

[DZoolander]

I agree with you. True love is pretty rare. It isn't that it's so hard to achieve - it's that most people simply lack the patience to actually try and find it. They want what they want, when they want it, and usually that's *now*.

...and rarely are they fortunate enough to find it that quickly. Instead they end up settling for the first thing that pops along their path. Then when that doesn't work out - they haven't learned their lesson - so they settle for one of the first things that next comes along.

...and then weirdly enough - if that doesn't work out (which it probably shouldn't) - they then gravitate back to the first one.

Very few people take the time to truly look. It's like they're so neurotically insecure that they feel they need to latch on to the first thing that becomes available - just in case something else doesn't come along.

Just out of curiosity - how old are you?

 

[soul2008]

im 28, with two kids.

 

[DZoolander]

Well, here's what I don't get about you.

Why is your point of view so hinged upon two people?

You realize that there are 6.5 billion people running around out there, right? Roughly half of those are guys...meaning somewhere around 3.2 billion. When you then factor out all of the undesirables, the too old, the too young, the unattractive, the married, the non-geographically desirable, etc... you still have a HUGE number of potential candidates running around. You just have to look around and be open to them.

So, why are you basing your point of view about how life sucks upon two people...one being an abusive ex...and the other being someone who simply doesn't share your faith? Don't you think that's kinda short sighted? What exactly is it about life that sucks? Is it that God doesn't do the leg work for you - and just throw the best candidate in your lap?

 

[needingchange]

Hi S2008, its a good thing that the boyfriend is gone, although it may not feel like it at the moment. Is your husband still acting this way? Have you guys gotten professional help?

"then love is rare and marriage for a christian is a trap"
A christian marriage is still rocked by the same forces, but it is what we make it.

Pray it gets easier, you made the right move with the boyfriend though. It may seem exciting to find love, but where is this really going for you?

 

[soul2008]

I guess im very negative about the whole thing. My grandad left my nanna because she turned christian, my dad left my mum and the church said she was never allowed to remarry, and now my marriage has been destroyed and the church is saying i am not allowed to remarry. Can you see why life sucks now. And now Iam questioning my faith, am searching the bible because deep down inside i find it hard to believe that God would want it this way. God saw Adam was lonely, so he made Eve. Lonliness is not a good thing. Its soul destroying. Any way theres no christian men who would except me anyway so of course im going to fall for a non-christian man, i have no other choice. In fact I m back with this man and very happy. He respects by beliefs and loves me. But my church is defellowshipping me. I pray that God will see my cause, forgive me of my vows as he did the woman in the old testament. I pray that this journey will bring some good. There is nothing else i can do.

 

[DZoolander]

The church is no more an authority on what's right or wrong than you are. The simple fact of the matter is that whatever church you belong to is just another set of people with their own interpretations of the bible. Just more dudes with an opinion.

That's why there are various faiths.

Don't bother living your life by what the church says you can and cannot do. God imbued you with a conscience and an implicit sense of right and wrong. Use it. Most likely you can implicitly feel that murder is wrong. Do you feel the same way about remarriage? Most likely not.

Go with that.

 

[BRISH]

I seperated from my husband due to physical abuse, which did stop but he never acted like he loved me and never slept in my bed!. I was in despair so i left i couldnt take it no more. I have been seperated for about 6months now. Latley he admitted that he didint love me all these 6years! But now he says he loves me and misses me.
Latley i have met this man (yes this may be wrong and im im not coping with the guilt!) he is not christian, in fact he is far from it. He respects my beliefs. In fact he is not christain but treats me so well. He protects me gives me all my needs. But im finding it hard to move on because this man is nice but his friends are non-christain. So there is no Godly converations which i crave, in fact they can not seem to have any deep discussions at all. They drink alcohol - they were not drunk (this time) but were all a little merry and laughed about nothing all night, which was so boring and so shallow.
Im so stupid falling for someone thats not christian and i dont know what to do? i love this man but im not sure how this is going to work out.
would like to hear any ones opinions, thanks

I'll be quite frank, and I mean with all good intentions, but "moving on" should be the last thing on your mind right now. If you just happen to meet this person, it's unavoidable sometimes, but you can distance yourself NOW. You are still married hun. Regardless of what your husband has done, and we know only one side, there are still vows in place and I promise that you that you think soo much more of yourself down the road when you can look back and see that you followed through on your word getting married.

You are jumping from one fire into the next, and YOU WILL get burned.

If this person is the person for you, he will still be there when you are actually available and have had time to heal and reflect for awhile. Nice guy/person or not, he does not share your same beliefs. That can lead to soo many more problems down the road even still.

You are moving to fast. You are trying to fill some voids. You are already compromising yourself before you have even ended the last damaging relationship. Get into some individual counseling and surround yourself with friends that WILL feed that spriritual craving you desire.

My rule of thumb, and it's no royal thumb (chuckle.....*looking around and hearing crickets*...hmm...)....

---> Get through this first. Do what you have to do to fix your issues the right way. Spend some time on your own to figure out who you are and what you want out of life. (no, it's never easy) Then, and ONLY then can you really move forward in ALL aspects of your life.

Taking the wrong/easy road got us here to begin with. Dont turn around and take the same road. Learn from it.

God Bless

 

[needingchange]

I'll be quite frank, and I mean with all good intentions, but "moving on" should be the last thing on your mind right now. If you just happen to meet this person, it's unavoidable sometimes, but you can distance yourself NOW. You are still married hun. Regardless of what your husband has done, and we know only one side, there are still vows in place and I promise that you that you think soo much more of yourself down the road when you can look back and see that you followed through on your word getting married.

Could not agree more, 'the papers' arent even final yet and your are involved with this other guy...sometimes we come across someone that gives us what we want and we fall for this person, but you are married still and are walking a fine line.

You could face more dark times if you do not distance yourself from temptation. What you are currently doing is not the best way to show you are Gods child.

I have watched inside my own family and have been involved myself in a similar delema. Nothing wholesome comes out of rushed love/lust and you may find yourself in a worse position than when you were married.

Pray to God and trust that what He says in his holy book is right. Thats all we can do.

 

[sweetdarcy]

soul2008, I understand where you are coming from. When I got my first divorce from my first husband, I was starved for affection. My self-esteem was at the lowest point ever due to his treatment of me. I went looking for someone to see some value in me and wound up spending time with the wrong kind of men doing the wrong kinds of things. So yes, dating a non-Christian isn't the best thing for you right now. However, almost all the men I dated said they were Christian. Saying it doesn't necessarily mean they act it!!

 

[ddisciple]

soul2008

Your church is absolutely right in what they say. dont ditch your church because someone on earth has really rocked your faith. you made a promise to god and your husband to stay through the good times and the bad till death do you part. the only way out of marrige is if your husband has marital relations with another woman (which you have done) or if he dies.

if he does have relations with another woman, even then your not supposed to remarry. it says in Romans 7:3 So then, if she marries another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress

its a harsh thing to come to terms with, but what you are doing right now with this other man is adultery.

I know exactly where your coming from when you say it seems like marrige is a big trap set by god. it is supposed to be a gift from god, but it turns ugly. i have prayed many many times for god to restore my marrige, but it seems my prayers are not being answered (YET) we need to have faith and be righteous. maybe the timing we want, and gods timing are 2 different things. Please try to be patient, and god will make your cup overflow
When it comes to judgement day who is going to be cast into hell? only Jesus will be able to judge that, but if you follow in gods ways im sure you will have a better chance of going to heaven than living with any other man than your husband

 

[Macx]

It is a funny thing. I find it easy to stand before God and recount the litany of my sins. Call me a man who has murdered in my heart, I will say "why yes, just yesterday I was angry enough I sincerely wished to spead the entrails of an enemy on the ground before him" . . . . Call me arrogant, I will say "yes for two days I have been engaged in a dialogue and I have been prideful of my education" . . . the list goes on and sometimes it goes on and on. The sins that are mine are easy to own, my guilt and the Holy Spirit working in me bring them to the surface where I can lay them at the foot of the Cross and ask God for mercy in the Name of His only Son. Of the things in this life that anger me, little angers me to the degree that being falsely accused of a sin angers me.

I'd understand if you feel the same, so please accept this coming from my own humble heart. You say you haven't "done the deed" with the boyfriend, it isn't for anyone here to doubt your word. That'd be between you and God & I sure don't want to go there. I have my own weight of sin and don't need to borrow any. It is important to own any sin you are actually guilty of, "the deed" could just mean the kind of sex that makes babies but any kind of sex, any kind of pleasuring a man (not your husband) below his belt is sin & needs to be repented of. I don't know if you went there and I am not saying you did. I don't want an answer & you sure aren't accountable to me. You are accountable to God and the only debts that need to be settled are with Him. I'm not saying any of this to condemn, just laying it out there.

I am saying all this because the grace I want to extend to you is this: As mad as it may make us when humans accuse us, their opinion doesn't count and they don't get a vote, God's is the only opinion that matters and the grace of Christ can set you free from the burden of any sin. Own the sins that are yours and set them at the foot of the cross, that'd be the easy part. The harder part is to leave those sins at the foot of the cross & not pick 'em back up. The human impulse is to try and leave Church with what you brought in, God wants you to cut it loose, lighten the load, be free in Him.

In Luke 4:

16And he came to Nazareth, where he hath been brought up, and he went in, according to his custom, on the sabbath-day, to the synagogue, and stood up to read;

17and there was given over to him a roll of Isaiah the prophet, and having unfolded the roll, he found the place where it hath been written:
18`The Spirit of the Lord [is] upon me, Because He did anoint me; To proclaim good news to the poor, Sent me to heal the broken of heart, To proclaim to captives deliverance, And to blind receiving of sight, To send away the bruised with deliverance,
19To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord.'
20And having folded the roll, having given [it] back to the officer, he sat down, and the eyes of all in the synagogue were gazing on him. 21And he began to say unto them -- `To-day hath this writing been fulfilled in your ears;'

The Gospel of Christ is about loosing the chains, it is not about becoming a prisoner. It is time to settle your accounts with God, confess what is yours to confess and fret not about suspicions or the words of humankind putting guilt where it doesn't belong. When your accounts are settled, it is time to start holding your husband accountable. Scripture does a LOT of describing how a husband is to be to his wife. Scripture does a LOT of describing how a wife is to be to her husband. beyond Scripture, you may need the help of a brother or sister in Christ or ideally a Christian couple you know to be strong in their walk. Prior to that though, I'd suggest you go to your husband with this scripture in hand:
Matthew 18:

15`And if thy brother may sin against thee, go and show him his fault between thee and him alone, if he may hear thee, thou didst gain thy brother;

16and if he may not hear, take with thee yet one or two, that by the mouth of two witnesses or three every word may stand. 17`And if he may not hear them, say [it] to the assembly, and if also the assembly he may not hear, let him be to thee as the heathen man and the tax-gatherer.

Ask your husband to read this scripture and do as the Bible says. He should tell you your faults and list the ways he feels you have sinned against him. These things may be hard to hear but you must make no defense. Defending or fighting about it isn't the objective. This is his opportunity to lay it all out, to get it off his chest, to express his feelings. When he is done, you should ask him if there is more. Push till it has all been said. Then ask his forgiveness. Jesus gave us an example of how to pray he said in Matthew 6:9[QUOTE]`Our Father who [art] in the heavens! hallowed be Thy name.

10`Thy reign come: Thy will come to pass, as in heaven also on the earth.
11`Our appointed bread give us to-day.
12`And forgive us our debts, as also we forgive our debtors.
13`And mayest Thou not lead us to temptation, but deliver us from the evil, because Thine is the reign, and the power, and the glory -- to the ages. Amen.
14`For, if ye may forgive men their trespasses He also will forgive you -- your Father who [is] in the heavens; 15but if ye may not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. [/quote] If you ask his forgiveness and he refuses you he brings condemnation on himself. I feel that you have some things to bring to him. You should take a turn and he should listen as you say it all, as you lay it all out. When you are done, he should ask for your forgiveness and you MUST give it. I understand this is hard. There have been times in my life I have said "I'd rather go to hell than let go of my desire for revenge" . . . I have been there and I know it is no easy thing I am asking. There is no freedom in hanging onto these (and Lord knows I have tried), the sins you hold the guilt for & the sins you hold the righteous anger over. . . they are sins even if they aren't your own, if you keep them and ponder them in your heart and hold onto them harder than any prize, they become yours. Freedom is a gift you can bring your husband through grace 'cause it sure doesn't sound like he deserves it, freedom is something you can accept for yourself even though you tell yourself you don't deserve it. Grace is never about deserving, but Christ did all that He did to win for you that grace you could never deserve on your own. Once a debt is paid, it has been paid, there is nothing more to be said about it.

I believe you can reconcile & if your husband will listen to sound teaching and be accountable to men of God . . . if you will listen to sound teaching and be accountable both of you in discipleship under Christians of integrity you can most certainly have a better marriage than you have ever known.