Hoo Boy! I can absolutely understand. I felt that way for a long time. I even felt that some copyist, writing a long time ago, came across this phrase "(except Rick)," and it made no sense, so he just deleted it. That deletion would have been in John 3:16, making the correct text :For God so loved the world (except Rick) that He gave..." and so on. (Rick being my secular name).
That this thought is so full of hubris (overwhelming Pride) that it is unbelievable is beside the point. I have felt, in the past, the exact same way you have.
This is Clinical Depression speaking, and satan speaking at you through the depression. Depression is not a sin, and being depressed is not something that you can "snap out of." Clinical Depression is a chemical balance in your brain, nothing more, and with the right chemicals, you can get out of depression, and feel a new normal, one without all of the self-loathing.
So, with this in mind, go to your doctor. Ask him if he could refer you to a psychiatrist. I mean it. You are not mentally ill, but a psychiatrist is one of the people that can help you. You will only go to him for the medicine to get your brain in balance. It can take a while, anywhere from 6 weeks to 6 months, and there is an art to this, as well. So let the doctor do his job, and these feelings will go away. You might also need counseling, to help you sort through whatever it was that made you depressed in the first place. The counseling came from a different source than the Pshrink, but it all came together.
In my state, there is help in the state for people like me, so (thank God) I am able to receive this help free of charge. So I am going to BEG you to get some help. Talk to your doctor. He may be able to help you himself. Talk to a psychiatrist and/or a counselor. They will be able to help. But you have to take the first step, and open up and talk to someone. I congratulate you on your decision to open up online. Continue in the good work God has given you to do!
