I'm Suffering & Need Help...

[Chloe14]

My husband and I got married less than a year ago. Since then, we have moved from Georgia, to Florida, to North Carolina. In Florida, we had everything. Friends, a wonderful church, and I had an amazing job where I felt I could really succeed. But he was still missing something. His desire is to be able to live without want. So we moved to NC so he could begin a new career with his father which means... We are living with the parents. I feel trapped here. And to make matters worse, our marriage is falling apart. It has been for a while. He is always angry and it is easily triggered. He is very verbally abusive and I don't view that much differently than physical abuse. All I want to go back home where I feel like I can thrive and be happy again. Even when things weren't going well between us, I had people I knew I could always go to and receive support. I have always been against divorce in the past but I can only take so much emotional pain. I've been spending time with God and He seems to be pointing me in the direction of leaving, but how could that be since He is so against divorce? I don't have anyone I can talk to so that's why I am turning here. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[1watchman]

The alternative to divorce, is separation for a time to help get the message across that the instability, anger bursts and disrespectful behavior is not allowable. Before moving out you might write a note to your spouse (if conversation is not good) stating you want to set forth the problems more fully, and explain that things are very bad and cannot continue this way; so he has some choices to make about what a good marriage should be. If he does not then show a desire to change, then you might tell him he is forcing you out. Of course, I don't know the whole story.
You can write me if you wish to talk further.

 

[Chloe14]

The alternative to divorce, is separation for a time to help get the message across that the instability, anger bursts and disrespectful behavior is not allowable. Before moving out you might write a note to your spouse (if conversation is not good) stating you want to set forth the problems more fully, and explain that things are very bad and cannot continue this way; so he has some choices to make about what a good marriage should be. If he does not then show a desire to change, then you might tell him he is forcing you out. Of course, I don't know the whole story.
You can write me if you wish to talk further.

Well some good has come of this. Last night we spoke and he has offered me the opportunity to move back home, back to Florida. I have a lot of opportunities that have presented themselves and I feel it would be a good thing. We are going to give separation a try and if we find that there is still no hope, then we will take the next step. It's not really a step I want to take but I don't want to live like this anymore. I am really happy to have received a reply from someone. It's good to know you're not ever completely alone. So I really thank you and would love to continue talking.

 

[Daphnelover]

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I don't have an answer for you, I would be bothered by a divorce, too, but I have scrupulosity so everything bothers me. But I do know that God would never want you in a situation where you were being abused all the time. Have you considered couples counselling? Also just wondering how you are. It's been a couple weeks.

 

[terryjohn]

The truth is we are all abused at all times and in every place, by all people. The issue is and satan is watching for an excuse to accuse us in our responses. Nevertheless, all the hosts of heaven rejoice in the faith and love of those who suffer for Christs sake. Anyone can be good to others who are good to them, it us only expected that the children of God would be better. The solution is never our careers or our sense of fulfillment but about being consumed by the power, peace and joy of God which surpasses all understanding and more so while suffering for the sins of others. Is it possible that by submitting to God, your faith, love and patience can move mountains in your current situation? There is no honor in fleeing the battle, for you only save youself.

 

[Chloe14]

I'm sorry it has been a while. Life has been pretty busy between work and moving. I make the decision tonight whether or not to go back to him. He's visiting for the weekend for a business trip and will then begin the process of moving to Dallas, Texas. I am still bothered by the idea of divorce but I feel so much happier now. Times are hard, yes, but I don't have my husband breathing down my back to make it worse. It legitimately scares me when he calls. I still worry about him being angry. My friends call me out on always apologizing whenever I feel I've done something, even if I haven't. I just can't take anymore of his anger or verbal abuse. After moving back to Florida, I feel, more than ever, that divorce would be the best option. It's just a difficult decision, you know?

 

[1watchman]

It would be better to let your husband decide to divorce, since he is the impatient and harsh one; and you just live without marriage for awhile. God can work all things out, and you will probably be set free later. God is not pleased with divorce, so it is better to put God first in your life.

 

[Sevensong]

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I can understand your concerns well. But it's also true that God doesn't want you to be abused and living a life where you're walking on eggshells for fear of your own husband. It seems like the safest, healthiest thing for you right now is to stay in Florida near your family and friends. It would be very hard for anybody being cut off from their support system. Putting God first is definitely the way to go, but in that, you need to recognize the truth of his love, and the kind of life he wants for you. Which doesn't include all that toxicity. Besides, pursuing a "life without want" seems a little bit...unrealistic? And dragging you around in pursuit of that...I don't even understand how you two were expecting to start/raise children with that kind of nomadic lifestyle. Staying separated seems like the best course of action for the time being. Maybe he needs to grow up some. There doesn't seem to be any reason to rush a divorce (although in some cases, it is necessary), and maybe it would be better for everyone to wait and see what God does in this situation. Or else just to let him make that move. Staying in a healthy environment near your family seems like the best thing you can do in this situation.

 

[Chloe14]

Update: My husband visited Florida this past weekend for a business trip. We spoke all three days that he was here. Even though we made some headway on the track to being better friends, I am still afraid of him as a spouse. We talked about a lot and he gave me much to think about. I asked him on day two if he would be willing to give me a little more time to process everything, as he is not moving to Dallas until April, and he agreed. However, his dad was with him and advised him not to 'prolong the inevitable'. So, on day 3 when we met up, he decided he wanted to file. And we did.. I experienced a whole mix of emotions. Mostly relief and fear. We have time to reconsider before the court date but I'm torn between focusing on my career and being happy, and having stability and saving my marriage.
It's funny that you mentioned that, Sevensong. For the entire duration of our relationship, my husband never wanted kids. He only considered it because it's what I wanted, however I never saw it happening due to what you said. He would even cringe if I came near him with a baby. Now, all of a sudden, since all of this happened, he supposedly wants them.

 

[Chloe14]

My last thought. While my husband and his dad were here, his dad mentioned something to him that kind of angered me. He said that in his new career, he can have no distractions, and having a wife who didn't support him 100% could lose him the job. It just kind of makes me think what's the point? If we were to move back in together when he moves, it would take months for us to make a come back and that would definitely mean a lot of distractions. My husband would be devastated if he lost this job and would only mean a whole other combination of problems, probably worse than what we already had.

 

[Sevensong]

Hi, Chloe. I hope you're feeling a bit better now. I have to say that it sounds to me like you did the best thing possible in this situation. I mean, this guy didn't want kids, expected you to follow him all around the country - supporting him 100% (and was he 100% supportive of you, I wonder?) - all the while being far removed from your own family and friends and support network. I'm sorry, but I just can't see how that possibly could have worked out. In the long run, his not wanting kids while you did almost certainly would've created a certain divide between you two, irrespective of anything else. He sounds almost child-phobic. And the issue you mention with his job creating a whole source of tension between you...I hope you're able to see that God seems to be giving you many signs to let you know that this wasn't his ultimate will for you, anyway. I know he has something better planned for you, something that will fulfill you according to his will. I pray that he makes his plans clear soon and heals you in the meantime.