IM so close to ending it all....

[tracieannn]

Ive had bi-ploar/ substance abuse for 25 years. No one gives a hoot anymore, not even doctors. My family put me in a group home, but ive moved out on my own again. Im always scared, i get panic attacks at night, i FEEL mentally ill. I FEEL sick in the mind most of the time. I was hospitalized 25 times in 8 years! I lost custody of my child becuz of MI!(mental Illness) I cant work, im sick of therapy, im sick of trying, im sick of picking myself up by the bootstraps, im sick of meds, im sick of getting high to cope, im sick of people....The bible seems like a cruel book to me, with a cruel or DUEL God. Good and bad. I have felt his love and wrath and man....they are HUGE but equal.

Im abused by people. My ex being one. Im a musical genius, but who cares if theres no audience and im old and worn out now.

I tryed to get a boyfriend to help the pain of life and he created MORE PAIN!

I was abused by extreme Christians who claimed my illness was all DEMONS! Good going idiots, that helps my panic state!

I dont want to die, but just be well. I understand we all suffer! But i dont handle it well... im tired tired tired and ya know what, i couldve written the same post 10 years ago becuz I just keep going...keep suffering...keep on...

plz pray some drug, person or healing comes to me, im in alotta torment and my family has given up. No one understands. The stigma....b careful who u tell.

well, thx

 

[BlessEwe]

Hi tracieannn,

Welcome to Cf, I do hope you stick around, as there is so much information and support here with just what you are talking about.
First off do a google search on people who just start out in life at 42, you are basically early middle age and now is the time to go for your dreams.

I am a recovering alcoholic and went back to school at age 50, with 2 children at home. I went through some tuff situations as well, but We Can Do all Things Through Christ who strengthens us.

For me having a personal relationship with Christ is not a

cruel or DUEL

situation but a kind of Peace knowing He is in control not me.

Perhaps now is the time to look into why you choose to be around people who hurt you. There are many toxic people out there but knowing how to put safe boundaries around us is so important or we continue in a cycle of pain. There is a ton of info on the internet, and books as well.

There is also a book called Addiction and Grace, very good powerful book.

At this moment you are tired, very tired of working so hard and keep hitting a dead end. You can find the way with Christ, not through other people telling you that you have demons ( avoid them) You need to have your own journey and personal relationship.
Reading the bible can be scary at first, but perhaps start a self bible study of the parables of Jesus and what He did while on earth, the ultimate painful sacrifice because He Loves You.

 

[Criada]

I'm sorry your life has been so hard.
I suffer from mental illness, and I know what you mean about the stigma... and about the tiredness... feeling so weary of trying one thing after another, when none of them seem to make a difference.
But... even at my lowest points, God has never let go. Sometimes I have turned my back on Him, but He was always there, always ready to pick me up and comfort me.
I know that at the dark times it's hard to see Him, but just hang in there and He will bring you through it.
If you can, I'd suggest you read the psalms... David describes a lot of the feelings you have talked about in them.
God bless you, sister, you are in my prayers.

 

[tracieannn]

Hi tracieannn,

Welcome to Cf, I do hope you stick around, as there is so much information and support here with just what you are talking about.
First off do a google search on people who just start out in life at 42, you are basically early middle age and now is the time to go for your dreams.

I am a recovering alcoholic and went back to school at age 50, with 2 children at home. I went through some tuff situations as well, but We Can Do all Things Through Christ who strengthens us.

For me having a personal relationship with Christ is not a situation but a kind of Peace knowing He is in control not me.

Perhaps now is the time to look into why you choose to be around people who hurt you. There are many toxic people out there but knowing how to put safe boundaries around us is so important or we continue in a cycle of pain. There is a ton of info on the internet, and books as well.

There is also a book called Addiction and Grace, very good powerful book.

At this moment you are tired, very tired of working so hard and keep hitting a dead end. You can find the way with Christ, not through other people telling you that you have demons ( avoid them) You need to have your own journey and personal relationship.
Reading the bible can be scary at first, but perhaps start a self bible study of the parables of Jesus and what He did while on earth, the ultimate painful sacrifice because He Loves You.

Thank you, thats a lovely picture in yer sig. Interesting you bring up toxic ppl. Its obviously something i attract. LOLOLOL...or better yet, am attracted too. However, i know the reason. NO PARENTAL LOVE Im too tired to go there, ya know." I wasnt loved ,wah wah wah mr. counselor."

I need to slowly move forward. First get off drugs. Read only loveyfuzzy scripture, little steps. Simply becuz theres too much! Way too much. I feel like...

do you have pain? Emotional pain? we all do, but mine feels like someone blasted my heart with a 12 guage shotgun. Just a GIANT HOLE in the middle of my chest.

well, thank you. I can only let a little out at a time.

thank you. :]

 

[tracieannn]

I'm sorry your life has been so hard.
I suffer from mental illness, and I know what you mean about the stigma... and about the tiredness... feeling so weary of trying one thing after another, when none of them seem to make a difference.
But... even at my lowest points, God has never let go. Sometimes I have turned my back on Him, but He was always there, always ready to pick me up and comfort me.
I know that at the dark times it's hard to see Him, but just hang in there and He will bring you through it.
If you can, I'd suggest you read the psalms... David describes a lot of the feelings you have talked about in them.
God bless you, sister, you are in my prayers.

O, I do appreciate prayers!! Thx!

Yep, Drs. try to help with meds. They think its all meds. Thats the magic potion to make it all right. Baloney!

Typical Dr's office visit:

Doctor: "Take this blue pill twice a day, the yellow at 3 o'clock, then take two of the red pills at bedtime. and all is well. NEXT!!!...oh, and that will be $150.00. Pay at the desk."

ME: "Sigh" Thanks for nuthin... lol

Talk about frustrating! Well, I just appreciate you guyz listeniong and letting me share. Becuz I hurt so much and need to let out some of that pain.

God Bless

O i dont have a computer yet at home, but when i do I will come here. ANd im not always gloomy. I dont want to "gloom up your forums" lol

 

[BlessEwe]

Thank you, thats a lovely picture in yer sig. Interesting you bring up toxic ppl. Its obviously something i attract. LOLOLOL...or better yet, am attracted too. However, i know the reason. NO PARENTAL LOVE Im too tired to go there, ya know." I wasnt loved ,wah wah wah mr. counselor."

I need to slowly move forward. First get off drugs. Read only loveyfuzzy scripture, little steps. Simply becuz theres too much! Way too much. I feel like...

do you have pain? Emotional pain? we all do, but mine feels like someone blasted my heart with a 12 guage shotgun. Just a GIANT HOLE in the middle of my chest.

well, thank you. I can only let a little out at a time.

thank you. :]

I highly recommend AA a meeting, getting a sponsor and working hard. AA works on letting go of the past, and working on the now ( how we respond ).
Its the best thing that ever happened to me, as I had a violent toxic childhood as well. I felt guilty if I didn't hold on to it. What freedom it is to finally let go.. Its called baby steps, and learning to live one day at a time. Some with a duel diagnosis see a Dr. along with AA. it works out great for them.

 

[Chococat]

I was abused by extreme Christians who claimed my illness was all DEMONS! Good going idiots, that helps my panic state!

I think the best thing is to keep away from those sort of people, but then you probably don't need me to tell you that. It's something I can relate to because I used to hang out a lot on a Christian forum where many of the people were obsessed (and I mean obsessed) with "End Times" prophecy and saying things like Iran is going to nuke us all anyday now and, as I struggle with anxiety, this only made things worse. The other sort of people to avoid are the Christians who preach that we have to be perfect or almost perfect to be saved (in other words we are not saved by grace after all!) There is a lot of rubbish that passes for Christianity on the Net so IMO we need to be very discerning with what we read/watch. I'm not saying bury your head in the sand completely just be careful. In the meantime I'm praying for you.

 

[Liberty444]

Tracieannn, I totally understand! I almost could have written your post myself. I am the family outcast. I basically don't have a life right now. I have waited so very long for the Lord to keep the promises that I know He made to me 30 ears ago. I wish I could get a group together of those of us whom the enemy is trying to destroy or kill because he knows why we have had to suffer so very much. Dear one, you are merely in training for an awesome ministry like the one I have suffered so much for. You have a sweeter gift to give than most because you can relate to the MOST severely wounded whom no one else knows what to do with. I know how it feels to want to give up and die so that the pain will end... but, the Bible says even Jesus had to learn obedience through suffering. Remember that the race is always the hardest at the END when we feel like we can't take one more step. Grab my hand...we will help each other make it across the finish line. I truly totally understand, and my heart really goes out to you. This is pain with a PURPOSE...like labor pains. I have helped so many over the past 30 years, but, now that I am the one who is in need, they all have either deserted me totally, or they are too busy.
If you were not so important to God, the enemy wouldn't be working on you so hard! The Bible says God's people are destroyed for lack of knowledge... I have searched for and found a lot of answers in order to help myself. I would love to share them with you if you want them.
Love ya, Liberty444

 

[led]

hi tracieannnnnnnnnnn...nnn lol

The fact that you are pulling through shows that you are strong. And even though it's rough, you inspire me... I'm really struggling right now myself and I don't have anything to offer you. But, seeing your last post and how you try to make the best of things warmed me up a little inside.

Keep fighting. People like me need people like you

 

[Biker Angel]

I dont want to die, but just be well. I understand we all suffer! But i dont handle it well... im tired tired tired and ya know what, i couldve written the same post 10 years ago becuz I just keep going...keep suffering...keep on...

You said: "I'm so close to ending it all"

Hey girl, are you still with us.
cause if your not, then I would just be wasting
a prayer right?
Praying for you.

You said your a musical genius, tell me about it!!

 

[annrobert]

Ive had bi-ploar/ substance abuse for 25 years. No one gives a hoot anymore, not even doctors.

Hi Tracieann,
I am happy you came here.All the people here are very kind and helpful.
We care about you Tracieann,I care about you and Jesus cares so very deeply about you that you will not be able to comprehend His love for you just the way you are.You do not have to earn Jesus love at all,He just freely gives it.Jesus is full of mercy and compassion.
Jesus is annointed to heal the broken hearted and deliver the captive and to set at liberty those who are bruised.


My family put me in a group home, but ive moved out on my own again. Im always scared, i get panic attacks at night, i FEEL mentally ill. I FEEL sick in the mind most of the time.

I too have been very ill before,I am so so sorry you are going through this.

Mathew 11
28Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

29Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 30For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.



I was hospitalized 25 times in 8 years!

That would be so very hard to endure.


I lost custody of my child becuz of MI!(mental Illness) I cant work, im sick of therapy, im sick of trying, im sick of picking myself up by the bootstraps, im sick of meds, im sick of getting high to cope, im sick of people....

Depression can be such a cruel illness and so very hard ,after all you have been through no wonder you feel exhausted and sick of things.But things can and do get better.Be patient with yourself , you are precious just as you are right now.Jesus gives us inner strength..There is hope and we serve a King who has all power and authority and who is also merciful and compassionate and meek and lowly in heart.He is our Good SHepherd and He cares for us and protects us always.


Psalm 23


1The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
4Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.




The bible seems like a cruel book to me, with a cruel or DUEL God.

This is our God,wonderful Counsellor and Prince of Peace and Everlasting Father

Luke 4:18
The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised,




Good and bad. I have felt his love and wrath and man....they are HUGE but equal.

God always loves us.
Romans 8
31What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?

32He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?
33Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifieth.
34Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us.
35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
36As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.
37Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
38For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, 39Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.


Im abused by people. My ex being one.

That is very sad and abuse is always so painful and so wrong and Jesus is against abuse.
Still Jesus wants us to forgive our abusers.We acknowledge that they abused us and we do not minimise it at all.We can go to Jesus and tell Him about our hurts and receive comfort and healing from Him and help from Him.They must not be allowed to continue to abuse us.I am so sorry you were abused.I too was abused.It is hard to overcome,yet Jesus holds un in His hand and keeps us safe.


Im a musical genius, but who cares if theres no audience and im old and worn out now.

Wow Jesus has given you a wonderful and inspiring gift of music and that is awesome.People will be coming to hear you play and worship Jesus with you,just wait and see.Jesus restores our soul and leads us to still waters and renews our strenght.

I tryed to get a boyfriend to help the pain of life and he created MORE PAIN!

I am sorry to hear that.

I was abused by extreme Christians who claimed my illness was all DEMONS! Good going idiots, that helps my panic state!

Some well meaning people can end up causing pain when their heart is in the right place and they are trying to help.It is very sad this happened to you.Some people just do not understand depression and deep pain and all the hurt that abuse causes.They understand that cancer causes pain and needs treatment and help,but they do not understand that depression and abuse also causes pain and needs treatment and support and help.But Jesus understands.Be easy and patient on yourself.Jesus is very understanding and caring.You are very valuable to Jesus and to us.
Hebrews 4
14Seeing then that we have a great high priest, that is passed into the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our profession.

15For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin. 16Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.


Matthew 8:17
That it might be fulfilled which was spoken by Esaias the prophet, saying, Himself took our infirmities, and bare our sicknesses.

1 Peter 5:7
Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.



I dont want to die, but just be well. I understand we all suffer! But i dont handle it well... im tired tired tired and ya know what, i couldve written the same post 10 years ago becuz I just keep going...keep suffering...keep on...

Depression and the effects of abuse are very exhausting and very very painful and it is very normal to want to be well and you can be well.This does not have to keep on this way.Things will get better.

plz pray some drug, person or healing comes to me, im in alotta torment and my family has given up. No one understands. The stigma....b careful who u tell.

It hurts when people do not understand and so very painful when people give up.Jesus does understand and He never gives up,rather Jesus is merciful and gives us strength and hope and help.Keep coming here for help and support,so many caring people who do understand and who do care and who so freely share the love of Jesus.BlessEwe shared some great helpful ideas .

well, thx

I hope you can find a counsellor that you can trust to help and support you ,or a godly trustworthy friend to support you and pray with you.
Also hopefully a doctor who is more helpful maybe, if you decide you want to look into these things.
Jesus bless you
annrobert

 

[Miss Elly]

Thank you, thats a lovely picture in yer sig. Interesting you bring up toxic ppl. Its obviously something i attract. LOLOLOL...or better yet, am attracted too. However, i know the reason. NO PARENTAL LOVE Im too tired to go there, ya know." I wasnt loved ,wah wah wah mr. counselor."

I need to slowly move forward. First get off drugs. Read only loveyfuzzy scripture, little steps. Simply becuz theres too much! Way too much. I feel like...

do you have pain? Emotional pain? we all do, but mine feels like someone blasted my heart with a 12 guage shotgun. Just a GIANT HOLE in the middle of my chest.

well, thank you. I can only let a little out at a time.

thank you. :]

Hi sister, here's a big fat hug from someone who cares, I just wish I could be there to give it to you in person. You have some good advice here to yourself...take baby steps. Realize all of this suffering is from the enemy of your soul, satan himself. He would love nothing better than to destroy all us, but guess what...he is DEFEATED in Jesus name. Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it, you old lying devil. I'm not saying you are demon possessed, so don't misunderstand. But we do know that the enemy is alive and well and will do all he can to make us miserable.

I know how you feel about the big hole, I felt it was in my chest and in my stomach, it gnawed at me day and night. Somehow God brought me through. I'm praying for your complete freedom and love to come into your life. God bless you.

 

[R.A.IN]

Hi Tracieannn

I also lost custody of my children (20 years ago) due to MI and drug abuse. I never got them back. I am so sorry for the hurt that you are going through. ((((hugs & prayers)))) to you.