I'm so burdened right now

[kevlite2020]

I really need help... I've been trying to type this for like an hour and I can't seem to even get everything out. I'm not very good at this, so I'm just going to try and write out everything that's going on... I guess my biggest struggle and concern is that I'm kind of withdrawing from the world right now. I'm failing in so many ways... So it all kind of started when I moved to NC in august. I was thinking I would come down here and just have a fresh start and let the Lord lead me in all ways. I had total confidence in Him that He would lead me well and help me... And He certainly did, better than I could've guessed... But I've done nothing with His guidance. I've slowly fell apart and broken down. I'm just stuck right now spiritually, big time, and I don't even know where to go...

I haven't made one friend yet. Not one. 0. And I have put my best effort towards making friends here. I've attended every event I could, accepted every invitation I got anywhere, I've been as social and friendly as I can be to everyone I've met here. And sure I've made a lot of acquaintances, but I don't have one friend to show for, nobody that will hang out with me outside of church or work. I feel like I'm starting to just throw in the towel. I haven't been going to church much anymore or events... I just feel so worthless, like there's something wrong with me that people avoid getting too close. And for woman, that's actually true, there is something wrong with me... I guess that's a good transition...

I've done a horrible job treating women like sisters. I desire a wife so badly (I definitely burn with desire like Paul talks about). And I let that turn into pouring affection into women, complimenting them, flirting with them, which inevitably doesn't lead towards a healthy start to a relationship like I want, but rather towards less wholesome, physical things. I seem to have no control over it, I just push boundaries, even though physical satisfaction isn't what I'm seeking. I had to get rid of all the chat programs on my computer because any woman I chatted with online I would end up flirting with and having really bad conversations with and I feel so terrible for dragging them down and allowing my lustful desires to effect them negatively. The encounters like this in real life, thankfully has been few and far between, but obviously the results were much worse. I can't imagine how I can date effectively and find a spouse and fall in love if I continue to date like this, because I'm obviously not treating women right. But with my desire for marriage being so strong, I can't imagine not trying to date either. So I just don't know what to even do anymore. I'm sick of sin, I'm sick of being controlled by my flesh more than my spirit. I'm sick of this craving for affection and attention that I seem to have. But that's where I'm at right now.

And I've just been so bad to God. He gives me so much and blesses me with more than I could ask for and I continually turn away from Him and do things that trip me up in my walk. I disgust myself. I've done some very sinful things, like almost immediately after God blessed me with something or did something that was very obviously Him in my life. I feel like I repeatedly spit in His face. And it doesn't just effect my walk, it effects other people. Like I visited a bunch of friends in a different city last week and I told them I didn't get drunk anymore because I'm following the Lord, and that I'd DD all weekend. Well both nights someone else had to DD for different reasons, and I ended up getting absolutely wasted both nights. I don't even like getting drunk, I don't know why I even did that, but want to talk about the fruit I bear? I had a handful of people there who are kind of believers but really need reinforcement, and I showed them an example of someone who will preach it but will not practice it. If I'm not helping in God's kingdom, I'm hurting, and it just breaks my heart that I'm hurting right now. I'm hurting myself, others, and Him. I just don't know how to stop.

I continue to struggle with lust, I continue to struggle with eating disorders. I tend to go back and forth between eating too little and binge eating, and I had control of it pretty good but I seem to be pushing that boundary further and further again... And it's so hard not being able to get out of the house and meet up with friends often. I'm just diving into a shell, watching movies and playing games all day. It's not the life I want to live, it's not the life I'm called to live, but it's just where I am and I hate it. I hate what I'm doing with my life right now. All these opportunities God has laid out for me and I'm just like... cashed out. I love Him with all my heart, I pray every day, I read the Bible, I passionately follow Him, but obviously I'm not applying that all to how I truly live. I am failing in so many aspects and I'm tired of it. Heck I'm angry with it. Yet I still don't change. I don't even know how to get out of this funk. I don't know what's wrong with me. I mean I believe with all my heart and soul, I really truly hold God #1 in my heart, His word is everything to me, but I just can't find a way to continually live like it. How can I increase my faith when I feel like I've got my everything into it? I just don't have anymore answers to give myself on my own. Please help me. Or pray for me. Or anything. I have no idea what I need, but what I'm doing definitely isn't working. I'm sorry for writing so much.

 

[andreha]

Hey Kev, my dear brother.

You know, the Spirit brings me these words, spoken by God, a long time ago:

(Gen 2:18)

And the Lord God said, It is not good for the man to be by himself: I will make one like himself as a help to him

We just were not made to be alone. We need a companion to support us, and walk with us. I honestly believe the best you can do is to ask the Lord to give you a soulmate. It certainly is in His will for you. The Lord is interested in your heart - and He certainly has your heart already. He will keep you safe in His mighty hand - wherever you go. Remember, He loves you with a very special kind of love. He has great compassion for you. He sees us for what we are going to be - and that's a wondeful relief.

If you feel like a chat with a friend in Christ, please feel free to PM me - my mailbox is always open.

 

[Criada]

(((Kev)))
I'm so sorry... it's a hard place to be.
I don't have any advice... I lost my grip totally and don't call myself a Christian any longer due to similar issues.
But... I do know that God loves you, and your desire to get back to where he wants you is a first step. Try to go back to church, get involved, talk to the pastor, and surround yourself with people who will speak edifying things to you.
Remember that God forgives every fall, every failure, and loves you unconditionally.

I hope that you can find a way back

 

[Skilletdude]

I can really relate to a lot of that... similar but different issues but yea. And I totally know what you're going through as far as what you said on the bottom in the last paragraph and all that about receiving blessings and then feeling like you just spit right back in his face.. The best advice I can give there, is just stop trying so hard to make these changes. You'll burn yourself out trying and you'll never do it. I mean like... increasing your faith, being a more model Christian, etc... all that stuff. Those are things you can't do yourself. Only God can. And I was asking the same questions... how much harder to I have to believe before I'll change? How much do I have to read the bible, pray etc etc etc. What am I doing wrong? Cause I just kept finding myself still messing up and I even started to doubt if I was ever saved etc.

It wasn't till I just finally stopped trying to be the perfect Christian... if I slipped up, I apologized to God and asked for forgiveness and just let it go. Other than that, I just stopped trying. Cause you can't do it. And you'll just end up disappointing yourself. God has to shape you and he will. He'll give you increase faith as you grow. Continue to read the bible... but don't expect yourself to be different cause you're reading it more. Just read it and think about it and go on and don't stress about changing. Jesus said "Come as you are"... That's all you need to do. Trust God to do the rest. Even if you don't see it now, eventually you'll be able to look back and see how far you've come. How much more faith you have now as opposed to then... etc.

If it was really this easy to change, we wouldn't need a whole lifetime grow. Praying...

 

[trentlogain2]

Hey, I know we usually don't talk as friends on here much, but I saw your post here and I felt pain and sadness in my own heart because I've been going through similar stuff. Today, it's a battle again to keep from sinning against the Lord. I've not been in The Word like I want to be. Personally, that sounds like a contradiction in my own ears when I say that because if I wanted to be in The Bible, then I would be. So I guess I need to just say, 'I haven't been in The Bible like I should be.'

I've seen strides in my growth in Christ even though I believe a person really can't measure spiritual growth with any kind of real accuracy.. I tend to think that's a God-thing. All I know is that He is working on me. Sometimes I wish the work would come faster because I grow weary in struggling with sin. I feel guilty after I entertain sinful thoughts and then try to serve the Lord in whatever capacity that's in my heart to do. Then if I actually give over to those thoughts and cause my flesh to sin, I really get mopey and the rest of that day seems ruined.

I haven't given up though. I'm still praying that God gives me the desire and unction to study His Word more. I hate letting my days go by while sensing that nothing has been accomplished in Jesus' name during them. I get discouraged to realize that one day I'm going to have to give an account of the times I let time pass away, and if He asks me why I did or didn't do something - I'll have no answer to, but will only be able to hang my head in shame. I desperately want God to work through me, but maybe He's doing some things in me before that.

 

[visionary]

Volunteer for things like 'habitats for humanity', or other ventures where you give of yourself to the community. Not wanting to gain anything out of it for yourself, but to give of yourself. Give the gift that God has given you to give. God knows your heart and will bless you. Shed the cruddy things of this world that have been tearing away at your soul and your character you are to be building up for Christ. A LOT of prayer will need to go into this, because much is needed to overcome. Fill the voids in life with helping others. Soup kitchens, street ministries, church endeavors and I mean more than one church if you have to .. in order to have a full plate. Needy people are a dime a dozen, people who lift a finger to help are the rare ones. Be one of the rare ones, and choose to be a helper. God will look after your back while you are busy with His work.

 

[nhisname]

I really need help... I've been trying to type this for like an hour and I can't seem to even get everything out. I'm not very good at this, so I'm just going to try and write out everything that's going on... I guess my biggest struggle and concern is that I'm kind of withdrawing from the world right now. I'm failing in so many ways... So it all kind of started when I moved to NC in august. I was thinking I would come down here and just have a fresh start and let the Lord lead me in all ways. I had total confidence in Him that He would lead me well and help me... And He certainly did, better than I could've guessed... But I've done nothing with His guidance. I've slowly fell apart and broken down. I'm just stuck right now spiritually, big time, and I don't even know where to go...

I haven't made one friend yet. Not one. 0. And I have put my best effort towards making friends here. I've attended every event I could, accepted every invitation I got anywhere, I've been as social and friendly as I can be to everyone I've met here. And sure I've made a lot of acquaintances, but I don't have one friend to show for, nobody that will hang out with me outside of church or work. I feel like I'm starting to just throw in the towel. I haven't been going to church much anymore or events... I just feel so worthless, like there's something wrong with me that people avoid getting too close. And for woman, that's actually true, there is something wrong with me... I guess that's a good transition...

I've done a horrible job treating women like sisters. I desire a wife so badly (I definitely burn with desire like Paul talks about). And I let that turn into pouring affection into women, complimenting them, flirting with them, which inevitably doesn't lead towards a healthy start to a relationship like I want, but rather towards less wholesome, physical things. I seem to have no control over it, I just push boundaries, even though physical satisfaction isn't what I'm seeking. I had to get rid of all the chat programs on my computer because any woman I chatted with online I would end up flirting with and having really bad conversations with and I feel so terrible for dragging them down and allowing my lustful desires to effect them negatively. The encounters like this in real life, thankfully has been few and far between, but obviously the results were much worse. I can't imagine how I can date effectively and find a spouse and fall in love if I continue to date like this, because I'm obviously not treating women right. But with my desire for marriage being so strong, I can't imagine not trying to date either. So I just don't know what to even do anymore. I'm sick of sin, I'm sick of being controlled by my flesh more than my spirit. I'm sick of this craving for affection and attention that I seem to have. But that's where I'm at right now.

And I've just been so bad to God. He gives me so much and blesses me with more than I could ask for and I continually turn away from Him and do things that trip me up in my walk. I disgust myself. I've done some very sinful things, like almost immediately after God blessed me with something or did something that was very obviously Him in my life. I feel like I repeatedly spit in His face. And it doesn't just effect my walk, it effects other people. Like I visited a bunch of friends in a different city last week and I told them I didn't get drunk anymore because I'm following the Lord, and that I'd DD all weekend. Well both nights someone else had to DD for different reasons, and I ended up getting absolutely wasted both nights. I don't even like getting drunk, I don't know why I even did that, but want to talk about the fruit I bear? I had a handful of people there who are kind of believers but really need reinforcement, and I showed them an example of someone who will preach it but will not practice it. If I'm not helping in God's kingdom, I'm hurting, and it just breaks my heart that I'm hurting right now. I'm hurting myself, others, and Him. I just don't know how to stop.

I continue to struggle with lust, I continue to struggle with eating disorders. I tend to go back and forth between eating too little and binge eating, and I had control of it pretty good but I seem to be pushing that boundary further and further again... And it's so hard not being able to get out of the house and meet up with friends often. I'm just diving into a shell, watching movies and playing games all day. It's not the life I want to live, it's not the life I'm called to live, but it's just where I am and I hate it. I hate what I'm doing with my life right now. All these opportunities God has laid out for me and I'm just like... cashed out. I love Him with all my heart, I pray every day, I read the Bible, I passionately follow Him, but obviously I'm not applying that all to how I truly live. I am failing in so many aspects and I'm tired of it. Heck I'm angry with it. Yet I still don't change. I don't even know how to get out of this funk. I don't know what's wrong with me. I mean I believe with all my heart and soul, I really truly hold God #1 in my heart, His word is everything to me, but I just can't find a way to continually live like it. How can I increase my faith when I feel like I've got my everything into it? I just don't have anymore answers to give myself on my own. Please help me. Or pray for me. Or anything. I have no idea what I need, but what I'm doing definitely isn't working. I'm sorry for writing so much.

The Spirit and flesh will always be at war while we are in this world. Satan is a liar and deciever and he is a master manipulater with your thoughts and fears. When Jesus was tempted in the wilderness by satan he used scripture for his defense. This is what we have to do. At the moment we are tempted we need to go to the Father and ask for protection. Ask the Lord to renew your mind, to get the sinful thoughts out, don't wait until you've already sinned. You may have to do it serveral times a day, satan hates you and will not stop until you mean business.....our strength comes from the Lord not ourselves. God Bless You!

 

[kevlite2020]

Hey Kev, my dear brother.

You know, the Spirit brings me these words, spoken by God, a long time ago:



We just were not made to be alone. We need a companion to support us, and walk with us. I honestly believe the best you can do is to ask the Lord to give you a soulmate. It certainly is in His will for you. The Lord is interested in your heart - and He certainly has your heart already. He will keep you safe in His mighty hand - wherever you go. Remember, He loves you with a very special kind of love. He has great compassion for you. He sees us for what we are going to be - and that's a wondeful relief.

If you feel like a chat with a friend in Christ, please feel free to PM me - my mailbox is always open.

Thanks bro. I know that He made us to have a helper, and I'm sure He didn't make me this way with no plan of giving me a wife (and if He isn't, I'm sure there is a plenty good reason for that and He will prepare me for not having one). I guess what I'm saying is I don't doubt His faithfulness, I just doubt my ability to receive the things He wants to give me. I'm a decent guy right now, but I'm definitely not the kind of man that I want to be for my wife yet. And if I can't get control of my body and my emotions, I can't imagine a girl thinking I'm worth a long term relationship. I really need to grow up, I'm just sabotaging myself right now...

(((Kev)))
I'm so sorry... it's a hard place to be.
I don't have any advice... I lost my grip totally and don't call myself a Christian any longer due to similar issues.
But... I do know that God loves you, and your desire to get back to where he wants you is a first step. Try to go back to church, get involved, talk to the pastor, and surround yourself with people who will speak edifying things to you.
Remember that God forgives every fall, every failure, and loves you unconditionally.

I hope that you can find a way back

Thanks Criada, I am definitely getting a small taste of what you went through. I mean, I still feel the presence of the Holy Spirit, my faith isn't really what is shaken, at least not my faith in Him (my faith in myself certainly is)... It's just like being stuck and not being able to move forward or sideways, it seems like my only move is backwards. And speaking of the presence of the Holy Spirit, I can tell you those times where I saw God working in my life, and I went and did something sinful anyways, this might sound weird but I literally felt pain all the way into my spirit. A deep pain, almost like a burning, and it made me even more disgusted because it made me realize that the things I was doing, I wasn't just doing on my own, I was dragging God through as well.

I know it's good advice to get back to church and seek edification but I just don't know how to reach out any more than I have. I even talked to our youth pastor (I had a fairly close relationship with him since I lead a youth group) and I tried to talk to him about masturbation and pornography, asking for help and guidance, and he kept telling me he'd schedule an appointment with me and sit down and talk about it. Well here I am about 4 months and 3 reminders to him later and I still haven't seen him face to face since. The men's Bible study I go to, they refuse to talk about any kind of tough issue. Anytime I've brought something up that's personal, they'll just like grunt oh that's tough, I'll pray for ya, moving on... I mean maybe part of this is that I could use a new church, one where the members would actually be willing to reach out to me more, But it's hard because my volunteering has me committed to this church 2 times a week till at least summer. And since I work retail, I often work sat. nights and sun. mornings, and my work schedule during the week changes so often that I can't really commit to anything. And I can't afford to make myself unavailable for any more weekdays because they are doing hour cut-backs again and I'm getting hit pretty hard as is... So I just don't know where to go from here...

 

[Allen1901]

I spent 33 years in North Carolina, so I know a little about what you are going through. It can be tough for anyone to move. Sometime it just takes a while for people to adjust? Hang in there. I'm here if you need to talk! God Bless!

 

[kevlite2020]

Jesus said "Come as you are"... That's all you need to do. Trust God to do the rest. Even if you don't see it now, eventually you'll be able to look back and see how far you've come. How much more faith you have now as opposed to then... etc.

If it was really this easy to change, we wouldn't need a whole lifetime grow.

I know I'm under grace and all, and that God is the only one that can change me... It's just, like before I really understood sin, before I was a Christian, I didn't feel so bad about sinning because I didn't think the things I was doing were all that bad. But now that I have that head knowledge of sin, now that I understand what it is and that it leads to death, yet I still willingly sin, knowing that God is right with me watching me sin, it's like the most shameful thing ever. I've never felt shame like that before and what hurts isn't just the shame, it's the fact that as shamed as I get, I still don't change, I don't stop doing those things. The lesson is going unlearned...

Hey, I know we usually don't talk as friends on here much, but I saw your post here and I felt pain and sadness in my own heart because I've been going through similar stuff.

Just wanted to throw this out there Trent, that you've always been kind and respectful to me on here and I consider you a friend, and I want to thank you for your post. That's one thing that freaks me out too is knowing I'll have to give an account for my life. I know Jesus' sacrifice is bigger than the sins I've done, and that He will cover me, but wow I can't even think of all the bigger sins I've committed without tearing up, I can't imagine how I'll be when explaining them in front of God. Beyond shame and devastation...

Volunteer for things like 'habitats for humanity', or other ventures where you give of yourself to the community. Not wanting to gain anything out of it for yourself, but to give of yourself. Give the gift that God has given you to give. God knows your heart and will bless you. Shed the cruddy things of this world that have been tearing away at your soul and your character you are to be building up for Christ. A LOT of prayer will need to go into this, because much is needed to overcome. Fill the voids in life with helping others. Soup kitchens, street ministries, church endeavors and I mean more than one church if you have to .. in order to have a full plate. Needy people are a dime a dozen, people who lift a finger to help are the rare ones. Be one of the rare ones, and choose to be a helper. God will look after your back while you are busy with His work.

Thanks for the advice... I have been trying to get more busy as a helper. I volunteer once or twice a week with youth group, depending on my schedule, and I'm looking to spend more time helping in some way or another. I've honestly found trouble finding places to help in my area though. It's hard because like I said, week to week my schedule is different so I can't commit to anything, I can only show up randomly at places, and that doesn't seem to be very well accommodated here.

The Spirit and flesh will always be at war while we are in this world. Satan is a liar and deciever and he is a master manipulater with your thoughts and fears. When Jesus was tempted in the wilderness by satan he used scripture for his defense. This is what we have to do. At the moment we are tempted we need to go to the Father and ask for protection. Ask the Lord to renew your mind, to get the sinful thoughts out, don't wait until you've already sinned. You may have to do it serveral times a day, satan hates you and will not stop until you mean business.....our strength comes from the Lord not ourselves. God Bless You!

Thanks for the advice. I struggle with this a lot. Sometimes when I'm tempted I'll pray to God to deliver me, but I'll still stand there in front of the temptation not doing anything to remove it or remove myself from it, and I end up sinning anyways even though I've called on God to help me, which ends up hurting me even worse... It would help if I could memorize the Bible more. I mean I've read through it start to finish a couple times and I've read many books of it much more than that, but my memory is really poor so I can only usually remember the general ideas of the Bible and a few specific things, but I don't just have verses memorized that I can use in times of trouble. I try but I just can't seem to do it...

p.s. sorry I'm being such a pain. I really do appreciate all the advice and prayer y'all are giving me... I just don't know how to apply the things you all are saying. I don't know how to take it into my life and make it work and get me out of this rut.

 

[RuthD]

I think that practice is the best way to take these steps you are having a hard time with. We all need to at times to take a risk to do something we have not tried. But sometimes after we do we wonder what we were so afraid of. That has been the case with me.

It is nice that you volunteer. I see you are a mod and that is also volunteering and not always so easy. God bless you.

 

[toastface_grillah]

I know it's good advice to get back to church and seek edification but I just don't know how to reach out any more than I have. I even talked to our youth pastor (I had a fairly close relationship with him since I lead a youth group) and I tried to talk to him about masturbation and pornography, asking for help and guidance, and he kept telling me he'd schedule an appointment with me and sit down and talk about it. Well here I am about 4 months and 3 reminders to him later and I still haven't seen him face to face since. The men's Bible study I go to, they refuse to talk about any kind of tough issue. Anytime I've brought something up that's personal, they'll just like grunt oh that's tough, I'll pray for ya, moving on... I mean maybe part of this is that I could use a new church, one where the members would actually be willing to reach out to me more, But it's hard because my volunteering has me committed to this church 2 times a week till at least summer. And since I work retail, I often work sat. nights and sun. mornings, and my work schedule during the week changes so often that I can't really commit to anything. And I can't afford to make myself unavailable for any more weekdays because they are doing hour cut-backs again and I'm getting hit pretty hard as is... So I just don't know where to go from here...

Kev, there's not much I can add to this except, I've been there and I know it sucks. God's mercies are new every day, always remember that.
It does sound like you'd be better off at another church - some churches are better at reaching out to newbies and bringing them into the fold than others. I don't want to suggest you break your word, or put people in a tough spot to replace you, but if you found, another church, is your volunteering at this church ironclad, or would people understand if you had to leave?
It's great to want to serve this church, but if you're putting in much more than you're getting out of it, it may be time to move on.