- Sep 29, 2004
- 438
- 133
- 38
- Faith
- Baptist
- Marital Status
- Single
- Politics
- US-Republican
I'm so scared of what's pulling at me right now... Satan is using my greatest weakness again. And that weakness, it's the fact that I'm so withdrawn that I can fool my own mind into believing things that aren't true. Satan knows that he can trick me into creating horrible scenarios that I literally believe are true. He's doing this now about the best gift God ever gave me other than my Savior. Satan is making me doubt myself, and making me think my girlfriend doesn't care about me. I know she does, but my mind is clouded, and I'm battling this. I think that there's one thing that can solve it...
See, she always told me she wouldn't tell me something if she knew it'd hurt me. So see, I don't know what she feels about me. I'm glad she cares enough to try her best not to hurt me, but I'd much rather know the truth about everything than spend another minute wondering what the truth is. I truly don't think I can stand another minute of wondering what she hasn't told me, what I've done that hurt her, what she feels about me, how she feels now about herself, etc. If she tells me, I can work to fix what I've done wrong, or listen to what she has to say, and work with her.
We need to back up, we've gone too far emotionally, I think. She brought this up, and though I was worried about it too (I knew we shouldn't have gotten so close), she had, unlike me, the courage to say something. I'm glad, too, because now we can back up to being together, but not together like husband and wife emotionally. I am very thankful that she had the courage to say something... I'm just worried she won't love who I am. I wasn't upset about her mentioning this, I was glad, actually, but I was upset because I realized when she meets me, she may be disappointed in who she sees (it's a long-distance relationship). This is why I cried for hours, this is why I was depressed for a while, this is what hurt me. I truly wanted to back up, and am very glad, but I realized that day that she will meet me and likely not love the person she meets, since I'm shy in person...
I guess all I want is honesty. I want us to be able to share what we feel, you know, when one of us is hurt by the other, I want to hear that hurt one say something. If she becomes more interested in another guy, then I want to know. I'd much rather be hurt then, than love her and love her, and suddenly one day, hear about this other guy and her, you know? I'm sure she wouldn't do something like that anyway, but still. It's just... when she says she is happy, is she really? When she says nothing's wrong, is nothing really wrong? If she says I was fun to talk to, was I? I'll never know, because she said she'd never tell me anything that would hurt me, or any truth that would hurt me... I just want honesty, because the pain of honesty is much less so than that pain of wonder...
Please pray God works in our relationship to bring us closer (If He so desires), yet to keep us far enough so that we have much saved for marriage, both mentally and physically. Please pray that we can both be honest with each other in everything, no matter how painful the truth is. How can two really be close if they can't even tell one another the truth? And yes, I'm also guilty of not telling her truths that would hurt her feelings. I just want this honesty, or else I'll continue to spend every day questioning what she really feels.
Also, please pray that I can explain to her I wasn't the least bit upset that she wanted to step back (Like I said, we needed to step back), but that I was upset because I figured the me she meets will be someone she won't love, you know? Please pray I can explain that I was depressed and upset over that, that I realized she might not love the person she meets, not in the least that I was upset over stepping back. I'm glad we slowed down, I am, but I want her to know that I'm glad. I think she thinks I was upset over our slowing down, and that isn't true.
Please pray we can share all the truths about one another with one another, that God works strongly in this relationship, that God can make me a person who will be good for her (I'm not worthy of this wonderful girl, I really am not. I feel so unworthy when I speak to her, because I know there must be a better guy for her.) And pray she understands what I'll try to explain about our slowing down, and that I was glad... please. I know God is all I need, and that's the truth, but I know she's a blessing sent from Him as well, and if I lose her, it's obviously because God found me unworthy of such an incredible blessing. I need to get closer to God to have a future with her. Please, please, I want God's will carried out, and part of His will is honesty. I can't truly feel good when I talk to her unless I know what she says is true (not that she'd lie, she's better than that, but she said she wouldn't tell me anything that she knew would hurt me). I can't enjoy her love unless I know we share everything. Also, please pray God can keep us at the point where we love one another, yet save much emotional and physical things for marriage.
I love this girl more than anything or anyone but God, and she is truly the best part of my life besides Him... so please... I want to be a person who can make her happy, I want to make her life incredible, please pray He makes me a person who can do that for her.
There's just no stronger desire in my heart than to do whatever will make her happy, and to bless her as much as she has blessed me. She deserves so much more than I can give, and I want to give all I can to make her happy... I'm just afraid I won't be able to... I'm so afraid I'm going to hurt her, disappoint her, etc...
See, she always told me she wouldn't tell me something if she knew it'd hurt me. So see, I don't know what she feels about me. I'm glad she cares enough to try her best not to hurt me, but I'd much rather know the truth about everything than spend another minute wondering what the truth is. I truly don't think I can stand another minute of wondering what she hasn't told me, what I've done that hurt her, what she feels about me, how she feels now about herself, etc. If she tells me, I can work to fix what I've done wrong, or listen to what she has to say, and work with her.
We need to back up, we've gone too far emotionally, I think. She brought this up, and though I was worried about it too (I knew we shouldn't have gotten so close), she had, unlike me, the courage to say something. I'm glad, too, because now we can back up to being together, but not together like husband and wife emotionally. I am very thankful that she had the courage to say something... I'm just worried she won't love who I am. I wasn't upset about her mentioning this, I was glad, actually, but I was upset because I realized when she meets me, she may be disappointed in who she sees (it's a long-distance relationship). This is why I cried for hours, this is why I was depressed for a while, this is what hurt me. I truly wanted to back up, and am very glad, but I realized that day that she will meet me and likely not love the person she meets, since I'm shy in person...
I guess all I want is honesty. I want us to be able to share what we feel, you know, when one of us is hurt by the other, I want to hear that hurt one say something. If she becomes more interested in another guy, then I want to know. I'd much rather be hurt then, than love her and love her, and suddenly one day, hear about this other guy and her, you know? I'm sure she wouldn't do something like that anyway, but still. It's just... when she says she is happy, is she really? When she says nothing's wrong, is nothing really wrong? If she says I was fun to talk to, was I? I'll never know, because she said she'd never tell me anything that would hurt me, or any truth that would hurt me... I just want honesty, because the pain of honesty is much less so than that pain of wonder...
Please pray God works in our relationship to bring us closer (If He so desires), yet to keep us far enough so that we have much saved for marriage, both mentally and physically. Please pray that we can both be honest with each other in everything, no matter how painful the truth is. How can two really be close if they can't even tell one another the truth? And yes, I'm also guilty of not telling her truths that would hurt her feelings. I just want this honesty, or else I'll continue to spend every day questioning what she really feels.
Also, please pray that I can explain to her I wasn't the least bit upset that she wanted to step back (Like I said, we needed to step back), but that I was upset because I figured the me she meets will be someone she won't love, you know? Please pray I can explain that I was depressed and upset over that, that I realized she might not love the person she meets, not in the least that I was upset over stepping back. I'm glad we slowed down, I am, but I want her to know that I'm glad. I think she thinks I was upset over our slowing down, and that isn't true.
Please pray we can share all the truths about one another with one another, that God works strongly in this relationship, that God can make me a person who will be good for her (I'm not worthy of this wonderful girl, I really am not. I feel so unworthy when I speak to her, because I know there must be a better guy for her.) And pray she understands what I'll try to explain about our slowing down, and that I was glad... please. I know God is all I need, and that's the truth, but I know she's a blessing sent from Him as well, and if I lose her, it's obviously because God found me unworthy of such an incredible blessing. I need to get closer to God to have a future with her. Please, please, I want God's will carried out, and part of His will is honesty. I can't truly feel good when I talk to her unless I know what she says is true (not that she'd lie, she's better than that, but she said she wouldn't tell me anything that she knew would hurt me). I can't enjoy her love unless I know we share everything. Also, please pray God can keep us at the point where we love one another, yet save much emotional and physical things for marriage.
I love this girl more than anything or anyone but God, and she is truly the best part of my life besides Him... so please... I want to be a person who can make her happy, I want to make her life incredible, please pray He makes me a person who can do that for her.There's just no stronger desire in my heart than to do whatever will make her happy, and to bless her as much as she has blessed me. She deserves so much more than I can give, and I want to give all I can to make her happy... I'm just afraid I won't be able to... I'm so afraid I'm going to hurt her, disappoint her, etc...
