I'm really frustrated

[Emerald518]

I used to post on this site a lot under a different username and when I go back and read the posts on my old account, I see that I probably came off as kind of a spaz and want to offer my apologies for that. Besides the point.

Three years ago I finally started to have a real relationship with God after I got baptized. I had decided to seek a relationship with Him when I was 19 years old after life fell apart and I wanted answers. I ended up in a cult for two years and was brainwashed, emotionally manipulated and deceived with false doctrine. I was not actually saved during this time but believed I was and when I finally got out of that cult church with the help of a cousin and my best friend, I was baptized in the church I go to now. The day that happened, God lifted the veil off of my eyes and I truly became a Believer. He made my life orderly and without chaos for the first time in my life after having a dysfunctional childhood and my years in the cult and I knew what to do and where to go. I was studying the Bible and learning so much and growing and growing...all I had to do was look at scripture and understand what it meant. He called me to go back to school and finish a degree I had started while helping the deceived. Life was amazing...

Unfortunately, things didn't stay that way. When I left the cult church, I was completely traumatized. God healed me of a lot of that trauma on baptism day, but there were still things that I couldn't seem to let go of. One of the things that they had taught me was that using loans to go to school was wrong and because I loved God after what He had just done for me and because I finally saw the truth about who He was, I wanted to do anything and everything I could to please Him: be a Berean, divide the word of truth, do exactly as He would lead me to do and not deviate...basically I wanted to be as close to perfect as I could out of gratitude. But for some reason, this whole thing with loans was just a doctrine that I couldn't let go of.

God kept calling me to quit a job I was working at the time that was getting in the way of me walking with Him, but knowing that I had been deceived, I didn't want to fall back into deception again and was afraid to do it because of the risk of having to take out debt that leaving this job required. I didn't want to put myself in a position where committing a supposed sin like this was even a remote possibility, so I kept ignoring the conviction to leave because I thought it was Satan trying to trick me. I kept ignoring it until I couldn't anymore and when I realized that it actually was God asking me to do it and that I wouldn't be punished for using student loans if I had to (something else the cult had lead me to believe and fear), the window to take the opportunity that God had set in front of me closed.

I got really depressed and angry for about two and a half years after it happened and now that I'm in a place where I want to have a relationship with God the way I started to in the beginning, I fear that I missed my chance. God had a portion for me back there and when I did what I did and missed it, I truly believe that I gave up everything He had for me and now there's nothing left. I read the Bible and get frustrated because I want Him to lead me to the way He used to in the beginning, but it isn't happening. I want my path to be clear the way it was back there, but everything is a muddled mess and I feel like I'm floundering around on my own. I ask and even beg Him for help and guidance, but after two and a half years of unanswered prayers I have no faith that He wants to do even the smallest thing for me. I'm here and ready to have the relationship with Him and life with Him that I missed out on three years ago, but it's probably too late. The pain I feel over this whole thing is soul-crushing. I don't know what to do and just want to give up...

 

[2PhiloVoid]

I used to post on this site a lot under a different username and when I go back and read the posts on my old account, I see that I probably came off as kind of a spaz and want to offer my apologies for that. Besides the point.

Three years ago I finally started to have a real relationship with God after I got baptized. I had decided to seek a relationship with Him when I was 19 years old after life fell apart and I wanted answers. I ended up in a cult for two years and was brainwashed, emotionally manipulated and deceived with false doctrine. I was not actually saved during this time but believed I was and when I finally got out of that cult church with the help of a cousin and my best friend, I was baptized in the church I go to now. The day that happened, God lifted the veil off of my eyes and I truly became a Believer. He made my life orderly and without chaos for the first time in my life after having a dysfunctional childhood and my years in the cult and I knew what to do and where to go. I was studying the Bible and learning so much and growing and growing...all I had to do was look at scripture and understand what it meant. He called me to go back to school and finish a degree I had started while helping the deceived. Life was amazing...

Unfortunately, things didn't stay that way. When I left the cult church, I was completely traumatized. God healed me of a lot of that trauma on baptism day, but there were still things that I couldn't seem to let go of. One of the things that they had taught me was that using loans to go to school was wrong and because I loved God after what He had just done for me and because I finally saw the truth about who He was, I wanted to do anything and everything I could to please Him: be a Berean, divide the word of truth, do exactly as He would lead me to do and not deviate...basically I wanted to be as close to perfect as I could out of gratitude. But for some reason, this whole thing with loans was just a doctrine that I couldn't let go of.

God kept calling me to quit a job I was working at the time that was getting in the way of me walking with Him, but knowing that I had been deceived, I didn't want to fall back into deception again and was afraid to do it because of the risk of having to take out debt that leaving this job required. I didn't want to put myself in a position where committing a supposed sin like this was even a remote possibility, so I kept ignoring the conviction to leave because I thought it was Satan trying to trick me. I kept ignoring it until I couldn't anymore and when I realized that it actually was God asking me to do it and that I wouldn't be punished for using student loans if I had to (something else the cult had lead me to believe and fear), the window to take the opportunity that God had set in front of me closed.

I got really depressed and angry for about two and a half years after it happened and now that I'm in a place where I want to have a relationship with God the way I started to in the beginning, I fear that I missed my chance. God had a portion for me back there and when I did what I did and missed it, I truly believe that I gave up everything He had for me and now there's nothing left. I read the Bible and get frustrated because I want Him to lead me to the way He used to in the beginning, but it isn't happening. I want my path to be clear the way it was back there, but everything is a muddled mess and I feel like I'm floundering around on my own. I ask and even beg Him for help and guidance, but after two and a half years of unanswered prayers I have no faith that He wants to do even the smallest thing for me. I'm here and ready to have the relationship with Him and life with Him that I missed out on three years ago, but it's probably too late. The pain I feel over this whole thing is soul-crushing. I don't know what to do and just want to give up...

That's quite a set of new experiences and re-direction in life to go through, Emerald. I can understand the frustration and the angst. I've had some experiences in life like your's as well. In hindsight, and in applying this to your case, I would suggest trying to reassess what it is that God really wants any one of us to do in our lives, and also try to just take things one day at a time and don't read into the future only those expected achievements that you may think your past will enable you to do, or prevent you from doing.

 

[Greg Merrill]

Instead of seeking God to do things for you, why don't you forget about yourself, forget about your own feelings, and set out just to serve God and please Him? I don't write this as a criticism, but as a real plan of action. Imagine how God would appreciate that from you, and then don't be surprised that He starts blessing you. After a while, then you can start asking Him for things, and you will probably be surprised that they won't be so selfish things, but things/desires He has given you, Psalms 37:4. You will find that life is no longer frustrating. J.O.Y. Jesus, others, you. The proper order of priority. Most people have it the other way around. Self, others, Jesus. Father, I pray Your blessings on this one that they will find and experience true joy in their life, and true transformation. Romans 12:1,2. Amen.

 

[Emerald518]

Instead of seeking God to do things for you, why don't you forget about yourself, forget about your own feelings, and set out just to serve God and please Him? I don't write this as a criticism, but as a real plan of action. Imagine how God would appreciate that from you, and then don't be surprised that He starts blessing you. After a while, then you can start asking Him for things, and you will probably be surprised that they won't be so selfish things, but things/desires He has given you, Psalms 37:4. You will find that life is no longer frustrating. J.O.Y. Jesus, others, you. The proper order of priority. Most people have it the other way around. Self, others, Jesus. Father, I pray Your blessings on this one that they will find and experience true joy in their life, and true transformation. Romans 12:1,2. Amen.

No criticism taken. What you have said is exactly where I am in wanting to just serve Him. I want to serve and love and obey Him and have the deep connection and relationship with Him that I had in the beginning and lost through mistakes and misdeeds as an immature Christian who had been through a lot of trauma in her life and who had and still has a very difficult time with having faith. I don't care if God never blesses me physically ever again...I just want to do what He wants me to do. The frustration comes from remembering how easy it was to do so in the beginning because I had passion and a heart that was totally sold out and on fire for Him. Now when I try to walk in the ways that I remember, nothing seems to be working or changing and I feel like I'm trying to do it all on my own with no help from Him...that's where the frustration lies.

 

[Emerald518]

No criticism taken. What you have said is exactly where I am in wanting to just serve Him. I want to serve and love and obey Him and have the deep connection and relationship with Him that I had in the beginning and lost through mistakes and misdeeds as an immature Christian who had been through a lot of trauma in her life and who had and still has a very difficult time with having faith. I don't care if God never blesses me physically ever again...I just want to do what He wants me to do. The frustration comes from remembering how easy it was to do so in the beginning because I had passion and a heart that was totally sold out and on fire for Him. Now when I try to walk in the ways that I remember, nothing seems to be working or changing and I feel like I'm trying to do it all on my own with no help from Him...that's where the frustration lies.

Ugh, hate it when you can't find the right words for something. Basically, I feel like God is shutting me out and refusing to allow me to move from this spot. What I need from Him is a change of heart so that I can serve Him and love Him and obey Him because I know that right now, any service I have to Him is mostly empty works. I do everything that I can possibly think of to do hoping that God will be pleased enough to bring me back to where I was with Him after getting baptized but nothing seems to be working. The passion is there, but it's not as strong and it all ends in frustration and tears.

 

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

Ugh, hate it when you can't find the right words for something. Basically, I feel like God is shutting me out and refusing to allow me to move from this spot. What I need from Him is a change of heart so that I can serve Him and love Him and obey Him because I know that right now, any service I have to Him is mostly empty works. I do everything that I can possibly think of to do hoping that God will be pleased enough to bring me back to where I was with Him after getting baptized but nothing seems to be working. The passion is there, but it's not as strong and it all ends in frustration and tears.

Spirit is willing but the flesh weak? I believe that staying one's post w/o falling into a deep sleep is what Christ needs from us to further His work. Stand, watch and pray.

ETA I remember once an experience I had when Jesus clearly said "Be sure that where you are seeking Me is where you'll find Me" So I guess a qualifier needs to be in there too.

 

[Greg Merrill]

The past is the past. Quit looking back to it so much, Philippians 3:13-14. I pray you will experience Psalms 30:11. God doesn't change (Malachi 3:6). He will do His part. Don't try to pick up where you left off in the past. Start fresh now. Read His Word. Talk to Him, praise Him, worship Him. Put no strings on your relationship. Let Him have His way, and just try to follow Him. Don't let yourself demand that you "feel" a certain way. Don't go by feelings. If you have good feelings, enjoy them. If not don't worry about it. Ecclesiastes 7:14. Go back to basics. Read the Bible, pray, fellowship with other Christians, worship, serve. Don't focus on frustration, or set yourself up for frustration. Don't have any more preconceived ideas than what God promises You directed from His Word. Walk with Him one step at a time. Read the Psalms and see how the Psalmist dealt with his own frustrations. Be still and know that God is God (Psalms 46:10). Praise Him no matter what, Job 1:21; Psalms 34:1. Ephesians 6:11; 1 Timothy 6:12. God's blessings upon you.

 

[Emerald518]

Thank you all. I will try what is being suggested, but don't think anything will help. The only thing I can think of right now is that God is rejecting me and pushing me away the way that I rejected Him and what He had for me and have been pushing Him away for three years to teach me a lesson. I don't know if things will ever change.

 

[Greg Merrill]

James 1:6-8; John 6:37; God is very merciful, and those that come to Him he is not going to reject or push away. Luke 18:16-17. I hope you are not sub-consciouncely
setting up your own excuse for spiritual failure on your part, or excuse for God not doing what You think He should, or excuse for something else that is frustrating you.
God doesn't hold grudges against us for our past sins. He tells us not to hold grudges either, Leviticus 19:18. Put yourself in His "shoes." How do you think He would think and feel about the way you have been painting the picture of your present relationship with him. Luke 17:3-4 tells us to forgive those that ask forgiveness.
Don't You think God would forgive You, rather than hold a grudge or try to teach you a lesson by treating you like you were treating Him?

 

[Emerald518]

God doesn't hold grudges against us for our past sins. He tells us not to hold grudges either, Leviticus 19:18. Put yourself in His "shoes." How do you think He would think and feel about the way you have been painting the picture of your present relationship with him. Luke 17:3-4 tells us to forgive those that ask forgiveness.
Don't You think God would forgive You, rather than hold a grudge or try to teach you a lesson by treating you like you were treating Him?

To be honest, I don't think God is anything less than disappointed with me for messing up as badly as I did so early in my walk with Him. I mean, it wasn't even a month before things went off the rails. And as far as treating me the way that I've treated Him, the Bible says that God is not mocked and whatever a man reaps, he will sow...I believe this is the result of that. And though God is a forgiving God, we can't forget that He is a God of justice and who disciplines His children, sometimes in ways that we think are harsh. I believe that right now, He is treating me the way I treated Him to discipline me for doing what I did to Him...if He even still wants me. But I'm confident that things are never going to change from the way they are now and the chance to have what I had with God in the beginning is gone forever. Spiritual dryness is now what He wants for me and I better get used to it because after everything I've done and thrown away, this is just how it's going to be. I don't complain when I type this...in fact, I've already accepted it. I will still read, I will still go to church and try my best to serve Him...this is just the path that is meant for me now. I have given up on wanting what I had before because He's obviously not interested in that for me and I will never allow myself to ask for or want anything for myself from Him ever again.

 

[Greg Merrill]

I guess you should take your Bible and cut John 10:10 and Matthew 7:7 out of it. No sense reading those anymore, unless things change. Yes, God has sometimes treated others like they have treated Him, but you will find a lot more verses that speak of His mercy. Mercy is NOT getting what we deserve. Grace is getting what we don't deserve. God is a God of grace. Some congregations have named their churches "Grace Community Church", "Grace Bible Church", etc. God is greater than what your mind is painting Him right now. I think the adversary would like you to go on thinking and feeling like you do, but not God. He is a loving "Father", not one that easily gets His feeling hurt and seeks revenge quickly. 2 Peter 3:9. Remember it is the Holy Spirit that inspired the story Jesus told of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15. You may be like the Prodigal Son. Look at the father's desire to welcome that son back in Luke 15:21-24. That is to show you how God wants to welcome you back. He does want you to feel like you do any more than this father did his son in v.21. That father and God the Father both want to be close to their child, not distant. You can choose how you want to FEEL, rejected, or accepted, but God has demonstrated that He wants us to feel accepted, Ephesians 1:6,7. How rich IS your God?