I'm not looking for a point, or reason...

[peri]

...because I gave up on the hope that there is a point or reason to life a long time ago. That's not what I'm after. I'm just after happiness.

5 years, maybe more, I've been plagued by this. This sadness, apathy, anger, bitterness, regret, depression. My emotions are either absent or awful... I miss happiness. For the past few weeks I've felt so, so hopeless and I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm not really one for asking for help, I don't like to trouble people, but I feel like this is a last resort of sorts. I'm not asking for much - not the perfect life or absolute happiness forever. I just want to smile and truly mean it, I want this nothing to go away from me.

I used to think I had plenty of reason for being this depressed. I've experienced a lot in life that I'd rather I hadn't... but through the years I've coped and come to terms with it. I feel at ease and calm with my past, but still I'm depressed. For me personally, this is the worst type of depression. Where you can't find or fix the problem - how can something be fixed when nothing is broken? How can my depression be solved and made better if there is no original problem? There's no reason for my feeling this way. It just is and it's killing me.

I just dropped out of University until next year - until I "get myself together." The University I've been striving to go to for over 5 years, and I drop out...

I have a year to sort myself out, to make my head better. How? How do I do this? I've tried and tried to trust God but I can't do it anymore. Apathy has taken over, in a sense. I just can't. I can barely bring myself to do anything at all. Sometimes I feel so mentally ill that I physically cannot move, I get so physically ill because of it. How do I cope with that? What can I do to help myself? I've tried a counselor who dismissed me, who made me feel so small and stupid that I'll never go back. My social anxiety forbids me to go to the doctor, to get medication. Going to the shops is bad enough, never mind talking on the phone to get an appointment, and then actually going through with it...

I'm ashamed because I put on such a front. Everyone thinks I'm so happy... but I can't do it anymore. I'm constantly thinking about the bliss of there being no me anymore. I just want a little happiness. That's it. So I know I haven't forgotten. Don't get me wrong - I try. I try so, so hard. I have plenty of friends, I'm always busy (on days I can make it out, when anxiety and depression are bearable), I do have things happening and going on with my life. I've tried to make myself happy, really I have. I went off to University, made some fabulous friends and experienced some amazing things. I constantly try to think positively, I think about the positive and good things in my life because there are many. It just makes no difference, however optimistic I try to be.

I'm not asking you to give me all the answers. I know that no one has them. Maybe I'm just asking for some encouragement or some direction. I just don't know what to do anymore. How do you cope? How do you go day by day when it just never gets better? I can't bear the thought of feeling like this forever.

 

[ShannonJ]

I so know how you feel and I am deeply sorry that you have to endure any suffering. It is difficult to take things one day at a time and sometimes so frustrating. I too want to get back to the person that I once was, that happy person who had her whole life ahead of her with everything "planned out". I waited three years to get into a specialty program and about 1/2 way through the program everything started for me and I ended up dropping out. It was like my world had spun out of control (more like "my" control). But I just have to believe that there is something good, for God's purpose, that is coming out of all this. Over the months I have realized that leaving the program was actually the best thing for me. Please, please don't give up your faith in what God has in store for you. You said you tried a counselor before and don't think that you could follow through with a Doctor for medication, have you ever considered a psychiatrist? They are basically (from my understanding) counselors with more schooling, and with the ability to prescribe medication. I am sorry that you had a bad experience with you previous counselor.........would you be willing to give someone else a try. I have had to switch counselors before to someone who was better suited to my needs and who put more effort into trying to help me. I will pray for you. Don't give up, you still possess the ability to be happy, and you will be able to get there again.

 

[koban4max]

You know... at the moment, I'm hoping for happiness too. I feel God did forget me. Maybe it was me that forgotten God. I wanted to become a cop(i'm in the process), but I feel I won't make it through. I've been depress most of my life. I've tried so many places and failed. I felt lost in my life...not knowing what I want to do. I'm living saddness in this world... and the worst thing is where is God?

What i'm trying to say is... I know it's tough...it can be dangerous as well. Even if God didn't help u or whatever....keep at it...keep going with your life... God will never abandon you....

 

[Lilybean]

I am so sorry that life is like this for you, I know it is not easy, and some days are worse than others. I just want you to know that you are not alone.
I have no answers, except keep holding on for a better brighter tomorrow. I know that in my life when depression is all consuming, all I can do is just be, and allow those who care for me to pray, and help in any other practical way they can.