I'm not cut out for this (rant)

[jessesgirl]

This is a rant/feel sorry for myself thread so if you don't feel like reading this, please see yourself out. Thanks!

I am so overly stressed out. We just came back home...from home (read: 3 week stay in TX then back to lonelyland- N.C.). We have actually been home for over a week, but it has been a horrible, awful week. We flew in Monday and it took us four hours to drive home. Justin was WONDERFUL on the flight, he flies like a pro! The four hour drive home? No, he was over it. He screamed nearly the entire drive home. I was constantly pulling over, trying to pacify him, getting back on the road, pulling over, trying something else, getting back on the road...my blood pressure rising all the way.

So we finally got home around 9 that night (our flight got in @ 2:45, we left the airport from eating lunch around 4:30). Justin went straight to bed and we started our week. Tuesday went alright. I am really struggling right now with Justin and "no, no." I feel like a broken record. A stressed out, ready to scream and run away broken record. I tell him no and he thinks that is his pass to do whatever it is I tell him not to. What stresses me out about this is that he KNOWS what "no" is. He tells me no when he doesn't want something and if Jesse tells him no, he stops doing whatever he is doing. So it isn't that he doesn't no what no is. You know?

Anyway, Wednesday Justin woke up @ 6 a.m. (he typically wakes up between 7:30 and 8). I woke up, Jesse was on the floor curled up in a ball and my stomach was hurting....really badly.
Jesse and I spent the next 48 hours either curled up in a ball or in the bathroom and Justin spent most of it in his crib watching *gasp* cartoons. We were both here...so, so, so sick...and had absolutely NO ONE to help us out. Literally no one. No friends, no family, no anyone. I felt so bad for Justin, I felt like a horrible mother for leaving him in his crib, but I couldn't even stand up straight. We were so sick.

So, go to the doctor, right? Nope. Not so much. The only place that takes our insurance around here is the hospital. None of the local doctors take it. So we are here...for at least four more months, likely 10 moremonths with no doctors in network. Can't go to the hospital and both be in the hospital because that would mean someone would have to keep an eye on Justin. Besides, I don't feel right going to the hospital for something like that. So I felt better for a day, then got sick all over again. I was in SO MUCH pain from my friends that still linger from labor....bleeding, dehydrated, cramped up. You name it. It was awful! We are both (nearly a week later) still not 100%. I just thank God that Justin never got it.

So wait, it gets better (better in a worse sense). In the last three days, Justin has held his breath and passed out FOUR different times. And just for the record, none of these times have been when he was in his crib. We weren't neglectful, just weak and incapable at the time. He is sinking back into that everytime he doesn't get what he wants, he just starts to scream, sucks in, passes out. After he comes to, he does one of threethings- he either starts screaming again or looks at you like "what are you holding me for?" or goes to sleep. He is also slowly reverting to beating his head against things again. He has started biting me and pinching me when he gets mad, too.

He is getting sleep. Lots of sleep but he always seems so sleepy. Sunday morning he got up @ 4 am and we were up until 5:30 am. I fed him because I thought maybe he was hungry...but then he wanted to play. I was still recovering, I had a horrible migraine and I hadn't gone to bed until midnight. So I played for a while and then I laid him back down. He fussed for a while then finally went back to sleep.

I've started tryng to feed Justin healthier food since we have all started eating better. He was eating the healthiest out of all of us, anyway, but I wanted more fruits and veggies to go into his system. He is turning his nose up at everything I make...save for the grilled cheese. He doesn't want yogurt, doesn't want oatmeal, doesn't want ANY fruit...and I'm so frustrated. He wants goldfish and pringles (thanks for that, Jesse). :

Jesse and I have started arguing again, the house is a mess, I miss my mom, my son won't listen. When I try to tell him to do something, he hits the ignore button. We can't go outside because it is cold and raining, we don't know anyone and I am so beyond frustrated that it isn't even the slightest bit funny. I nearly just dropped everything and walked out of the hosue the other day. Justin was screaming, Jesse was lecturing and I had enough. I've never had enough to the point that I wanted to walk away and that scares me. Am I really not cut out for this whole staying at home and being a mom stuff? I thought I was adapting to it, but maybe I'm not? Maybe I'm not as good at this as I thought I was?

 

[Leanna]

Wow what a rough one! I am particularly worried about your insurance.... can you get an insurance to go to the doctor for where you actually live??

 

[jessesgirl]

Jesse is getting on the phone with HR back in TX to see what we are supposed to do. Justin's little arms are all broken out in eczema and he is out of meds. Nothing OTC is working. Also, he is due for a 15 month check up next week (where they were supposed to retest his hearing, as I think he's suffering some hearing loss) and I have nowhere to take him. There aren't even any pediatricians within an hour of where we live! We are also down to one car here (we left one in TX) so getting him to the dr. would be an all day ordeal, for sure.

 

[Leanna]

Sounds a bit like where I live, taking the kids to the doctor is a 45 minute drive each way, same with my doctor. I like living way out here though because its cheap. Okay well sometimes I like it, other times not so much.

 

[jgonz]

This all sounds like what I went through when I first moved here. I HATED it here. HATED it. I knew no one, there was no one to call... when we got sick it was just me. DH was ZERO help "I have to work" blah blah blah

Once you all are well, you have to start carving out a place for yourself where you are now. Letting yourself get depressed over not being "home" is Never going to be helpful. You're NOT THERE. It's time to move to NC mentally, not just physically. Find a ladies' Bible study, a mom's group, Something to get you out of the house on a once a week basis at least. Go to the Library and do a children's story hour or Something...

Find other moms. You'd be surprised at how many newer moms are in the same boat as you~ they may not have recently moved, but they're feeling just as isolated and alone.

 

[jessesgirl]

Sounds a bit like where I live, taking the kids to the doctor is a 45 minute drive each way, same with my doctor. I like living way out here though because its cheap. Okay well sometimes I like it, other times not so much.

yeah, back in TX our pedi. is an hour away and so ar all of our other doctors...but we have a vehicle to get there and back. Here, we really don't. It is 45 minutes in one direction to take Jesse to work, 45 minutes back here then 45 minutes a DIFFERENT direction to go the J-ville to get to the dr. and then 45 minutes back and then 45 minutes back the other direction to pick Jesse up, and then 45 minutes back. And that dr. doesn't even take our insurance, either.

 

[jessesgirl]

This all sounds like what I went through when I first moved here. I HATED it here. HATED it. I knew no one, there was no one to call... when we got sick it was just me. DH was ZERO help "I have to work" blah blah blah

Once you all are well, you have to start carving out a place for yourself where you are now. Letting yourself get depressed over not being "home" is Never going to be helpful. You're NOT THERE. It's time to move to NC mentally, not just physically. Find a ladies' Bible study, a mom's group, Something to get you out of the house on a once a week basis at least. Go to the Library and do a children's story hour or Something...

Find other moms. You'd be surprised at how many newer moms are in the same boat as you~ they may not have recently moved, but they're feeling just as isolated and alone.

Thanks Jan. We moved out here back @ the beginning of Feb and then Justin and I went home for three weeks. During that time, I got readapted to "home." Before we left here, though, we got into the local church and I met a couple of moms I was supposed to call when I got back...but then Jesse cleaned house while we were gone (i.e. unpacked) and now, I can't find all their numbers. We haven't been back to church because we have been so sick. I am most frustrated with Justin and that situation than anything. The lonliness I can deal with for the most part...it is being away from my mom and his fits that are really just making me want to break down and cry. And the doctor situation. And the lonely. Maybe it IS all those things.

 

[GolfingMom]

I think you ended up 'teasing' yourself with your visit back home and you realized you miss it I've read it can take up to 2 years to get used to a new area So...you still have a year and some months left
I'll give you more of my insight later

 

[GolfingMom]

This all sounds like what I went through when I first moved here. I HATED it here. HATED it. I knew no one, there was no one to call... when we got sick it was just me. DH was ZERO help "I have to work" blah blah blah

Once you all are well, you have to start carving out a place for yourself where you are now. Letting yourself get depressed over not being "home" is Never going to be helpful. You're NOT THERE. It's time to move to NC mentally, not just physically. Find a ladies' Bible study, a mom's group, Something to get you out of the house on a once a week basis at least. Go to the Library and do a children's story hour or Something...

Find other moms. You'd be surprised at how many newer moms are in the same boat as you~ they may not have recently moved, but they're feeling just as isolated and alone.

Woot! I agree.

 

[Leanna]

It took me 2-3 years to adjust after moving to a new state.... then when I finally felt like I wouldn't move back if I could, we did move back....

 

[Linnis]

It's hard to make a big move. I moved from a major city to a small town compared to what I was used to. It'll take time to adjust. I'd see how getting insurance so you, DH and DS can see a doctor.

*hugs*

 

[Singin4Him]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through all this. It sounds to me that you and Justin are a bit overwhelmed at the moment. For Justin there is just no consistency for him right now, he's going from one environment to another and I'm sure there is more leniency for him with grandma and grandpa than at home so that could be part of his acting out. Remember he is only 15 months and though he knows somewhat that when you say "no no" it means he's not supposed to do what he's doing, he is just now gasping this concept. Although the biting, pinching, passing out, banging his head thing does concern me and I really feel that you might want to get him tested. It could really just be stress, especially if he feel s stress from you and Jesse and sees/hears the two of you arguing. I know how stressful moving and as stressed out as you are just imagine how confusing and stressful it would be in the world of a toddler.

I don't know if you are doing this but you might try getting on a routine and trying your best to stick with it as best you can. Consistency is such a key thing with toddlers and it really does help! You also might see if your mom or MIL could fly up and help you out if you still aren't feeling well or if ever you have a horrible situaiton like you recently went through. Lastly the best advice I can give is to get involved in a church! I know that has made all the difference in moving to the area my husband and I moved to a year ago. Making mommy friends is so important and making friends with other Christian couples is even more important! Having you husband get to know other daddys, particularly daddys who are the spiritual leaders in their families, that is something my husband truly needed and it makes a big difference in his life and your marriage.

Get in the word and cry out to the Lord on those days you think you've had it! He's there and he is the only one who can give you the strength you truly need!

 

[sparassidae]

Just want to give you a

Because you felt like walking out does NOT make you a bad mum.

I have certainly got to that point more than once, but I'm still here

For me, being completely honest with DH is the key. If I say "today I just wanted to walk out that door and not come back" he takes it seriously and makes space for me to have a break, takes over with the children etc.

 

[heart of peace]

Aw, momma, hugs to you. You sound like you have been to hell and back! Keep on trucking through and do not fault yourself for allowing your child to watch cartoons when you and your spouse were sick! Two days of tv will not have any long term affects on your child. Rather, all the sacrifice and love you have been giving him WILL have a long term affect.

I know in a way where you are as I have been there myself. During that time, I found 2 local mom's Bible studies with childcare and I went two times a week. I was able to get a much needed break from caring for my child and spend some prayerful time with other God fearing women. Those groups were my beacon of light during that dark time in my mothering journey thus far.

BTW, do you have urgent care centers in your area?

 

[Bexnat]

Hey there Jessessgirl

Oh you poor wee thing - I know EXACTLY where you are at. I was where you are just about a year ago. even the whole sickness thing - except not only me and Hubby got the gastro, both our boys got it too. I had to call on a neighbour I hadn't even met to drive me the 45 minutes to the closest doctor to get a needle to stop throwing up after 13 hours of constant chucking!!! So I know how you feel, I really do. With your son not liking what food you give him - this is the best advice anyone ever gave me = It is your responsibility as a mother to provide nutritious, wholesome, healthy, tasty food for your child - however, it is your childs' responsibility to eat that food and your child will never let himself starve!= It's true if you think about it! Your kid will eat when he is hungry - you give him the food, stick to your guns, he'll eat it when he's hungry, I promise! When things get too much and you feel like you're going crazy, leave your son in his crib, go walk outside the house and scream very loudly - you will feel better and no-one gets hurt!! Trust me, I do this on a regular basis!! Maybe you could try phoning the pastor of that Church you went to and explaining your situation - he just might give you the phone numbers of those ladies you met. You know, we lived in a state where we knew no-one for 2 years and have just moved back to our home state - I've only been home 6 weeks and I want to go back to the other state!! You might just end up being happy there too!

Hang in there huny, just know you are not alone and others have felt exactly what you are feeling now.

Luv Bex xo

 

[EbonNelumbo]

I am so sorry that things are like this. I will send you my #, should you need it, I am always willing to be a listening ear and do everything I can.

You are cut out for it, sweetie. Doubting yourself and your ability is actually a good sign, so I am coming to learn. If you are too eager and proud, you let it stand in the way of good parenting, worrying that you cannot do it is the sign you're a good parent, and is normal...coming from me, trust me, I can understand.


Love you, sister.

 

[jessesgirl]

Thanks girls! I took some excellent advice given t me and found an online group for some local girls in my area. I joined, so I am looking forward to getting to know some of the people there. I know it will be better when we gt back to church, too.

If there is one thing I've tried to continue incorporating for Justin in spite of all the change, it is his schedule. We do stay on a very strict schedule, no matter what, because he really DOES thrive on one. Bedtime is @ 8, we wake up @ 7:30 (ish), he naps @ 11:30 (ish). Breakfast @ 8, lunch @ 11....snack @ wake up time, dinner around 5:30 or 6. HA, anyway...yes. I am very strict about nothing interfering with his schedule. Drives daddy nuts, but he isn't the one who has to deal with the behavior that comes with the lack of schedule.

Anyway, I got up yesterday after venting and actually felt a bit better. I cleaned the house up, cleaned the fridge out, and Justin and I even had a fairly decent day. No holding of the breath for one whole day!

Now, he keeps trying to turn the TV on and watch it! He is also starting the climbing out of the crib proccess...not really sure how to deal with that.

Plus, I made dinner last night and Jesse said it was AWESOME! P.S. That never happens with me. We either eat out, I throw something together half-heartedly, or he cooks. I was so happy to hear him say that...that I'm going to cook tonight, too! Justin has been eating my whole wheat english muffins with me for breakfast...which is good. That or he eats whole wheat pancakes. For lunch, he has discovered that he loves peas and he loves green beans. I found a good recipe for potato chips that I'm going to try today. I'm quite excited. I'm sick of buying him frozen or pre-cooked food and feeding it to him. I want him to try new, healthy things but I don't have a clue where to start.

I told Jesse that I almost walked out when we went to bed last night. He didn't say anything for a while then he asked me why. I told him, he apologized. He hs been trying to take Justin down to the beach here and there to give me free time, but Justin is going thorugh a phase where he just wants mommy. I can't even walk in front of them at the grocery store (with Jesse pushing the buggy) without him going into hysterics. I can't leave his sight so everyime daddy tries to take him, he cries the whole time...until he comes back into the house to me. I lvoe that my little boy loves me, but I won't lie, that is DEFINITELY wearing on me.

 

[JulySheMustFly]

I understand.
I was really struggling las week after my in laws left. They had stayed with us for Easter. It was rather ugly. Then sitting in church on Sunday the pastor said something about future plans. It was then that it really set in for me that this is a season. The specific time span the pastor was talking about was 5 years. In my head I fastforwarded 5 years and realized I'd have an almost 8 year old, a 9 year old and an 11 year old. And as much as my little Pirate screaming like someone is cutting off his arm and flailing on the floor makes me shake inside the times when he curls up next to me and falls asleep are also during this time and they are numbered. Or him wanting and needing my help with a bath. Dumb me I got all tearing during the sermon.

That's great that you've been able to find a group. I hope it works out for you.

 

[sparassidae]

Glad to hear things are looking up for you, I think I speak for the others when I say you are always welcome to vent here

Great to hear Jesse is helping out, and I think for your sanity you need to let him get on with it, even if that means Justin cries for you. I know how hard that is, but at least he's crying with Daddy not crying alone, kwim?