I'm just tired...of all of it

[HighLonesome]

While I try to understand a widower/widow saying that any future relationship will be of three hearts, surely a strong, loving relationship can only exist between two people.

I read in the other thread where your experience in "this" is that you married a widower when you were 27 yrs. old. So really, you don't have a clue what we go through each day as the surviving spouse. I was with my late wife for 27 1/2 yrs. Now when you reach 20 yrs. or 25 yrs, or 30 yrs. with your husband, I want you to think about not having him in your life every day as he has been and you tell me that you could have another relationship with a new man and it would only be two hearts involved. Unfortunately, your quibble isn't wworth regarding!

 

[APaladinsHeart]

It's been 4 weeks now, since Libby went Home. The idea of my love for her not being in the present tense is unfathomable.
The idea of starting a "new" life is bunk. We have one life, and to relegate her to a memory ... well I just can't see that happening.
I'm sorry, that I am working these things out on all of you good people.
You are the only ones that would truly understand, everyone else has only good intentions, and/or education out of book about it.
To carry on in His plan for me, be that as husband to another princess. or father to one. Only He knows. It may be that we will be gifted with THAT true love twice in a lifetime. It may be that will be the strong shoulder for the others in this world of our shared grief. Only He knows.
As for being tired of it all...
I still feel like a circus attraction, walking around with this flashing neon sign over my head====> Widower
I don't know.
I just don't know.
J

 

[dellinw]

I know this is the last thing you want to hear but "It just takes time" You are still in the "daze" faze. It will be a year for me in 2 weeks. Sometimes it feels like yesterday and then at other times,it feels like it has been 20 yrs since I have talked to him or felt his arms around me. The only advise I can give you, is just keep asking God to help you get thru each new day as it comes. I have to tell you, it is easier now, I don't cry everyday and I have been able to even laugh. I can't say it is better, but it is easier. There were times during this year that I couldn't pray or even feel God's presense near me, this is where faith comes in. I knew he was there and I knew he was right by my side. Someone gave me advise, to not make any major decisions during my first year and I have done so, but the year is almost up and now I need to make some changes in my life. I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[JeanR]

I felt like I was in a never ending receiving line for almost a year after Terry died. It felt like I was always dealing with extremes--either people wanted to cry on my shoulder or they avoided me completely. It was emotionally draining.

It is now 19 months since Terry's sudden homegoing. I'm not on the emotional rollercoaster anymore, but dealing with reality is just as hard. I just want to talk to him--tell him he is going to be a grandfather and that the baby is a boy and that the baby is being named after him; I want to tell him that I moved into a townhouse; I want to tell him that I may be losing my job and I will know by the end of June if it is to be; I want to tell him I love him and want to hold him. I miss his touch, his kiss, his laugh, his love of life.

He cannot be replaced. This doesn't mean I wouldn't welcome someone new in my life, but it will be a different love. For a long time I couldn't imagine ever being with someone new. I'm still not ready for that, but now it is not such a foreign thought. I'm lonely and would like some companionship. Having girlfriends and a wonderful church family help, but it's not the same as a husband.

He was the love of my life.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I feel the same way Jean and it's been 3 1/2 years for me. I would be scared to death if someone were to ask me out, yet I would welcome companionship at the very least. I miss my husband most in the summer because we used to go camping and boating, and even though I would still like to do those things....he's not here and I don't have anyone else to do them with.
This morning I was thinking of my grandmother that passed away a year ago last October. She had been married and divorced twice and then just stayed single. I don't know why I thought of her like that this morning, except it did cause me to pause and wonder if I will end up staying alone the rest of my life. I hope not, but I don't know what God's plan is.
Take care.

 

[Aileen]

HighLoneSome,
I apologise for the hurt and anger that my comments caused you. I trust the following will help you understand I wasn´t "quibbling".

You are correct in saying that as I am not the surviving spouse I can´t fully empathise with the grief you feel but I "do have a clue" as my husband told me of the pain and numbness he felt.
We are married more than 20 years, more than 25, more than 30,...we will soon celebrate our 37th anniversary.
The grief process is different for each person and for that reason I pray for many of you. I was just trying to say that when a previously unmarried woman marries a widower she expects it to be a marriage of two hearts, not three. I am not suggesting that a widow/widower shouldn´t remarry, and it is absurd to expect that all past memories are erased, but when a widow/widower remarry they no longer have that status, they are a husband or a wife.

Please, any of you who were upset by my comments, I do apologise because I "do have a clue" what you are going through.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

HighLoneSome,
I apologise for the hurt and anger that my comments caused you. I trust the following will help you understand I wasn´t "quibbling".

You are correct in saying that as I am not the surviving spouse I can´t fully empathise with the grief you feel but I "do have a clue" as my husband told me of the pain and numbness he felt.
We are married more than 20 years, more than 25, more than 30,...we will soon celebrate our 37th anniversary.
The grief process is different for each person and for that reason I pray for many of you. I was just trying to say that when a previously unmarried woman marries a widower she expects it to be a marriage of two hearts, not three. I am not suggesting that a widow/widower shouldn´t remarry, and it is absurd to expect that all past memories are erased, but when a widow/widower remarry they no longer have that status, they are a husband or a wife.

Please, any of you who were upset by my comments, I do apologise because I "do have a clue" what you are going through.

I think you offer an interesting observation point. I sometimes wonder how I "could" remarry because I could not "give up" my feelings for the love I lost. I think it would take a certain kind of man to be able to tolerate that, maybe even someone who was a widower. But I leave that in God's hands because I can barely grasp what my purpose here is, let alone try to figure out whether or not I should remarry or not.

 

[theoneleftbehind]

Keeping pictures of the dead husband around will go a long way towards keeping you single and grieving and stuck in the past. At least that is what I have observed happen.

Its only been two weeks that my soul mate passed away the one person God put on this plant who was a perect mate for me we both know as soon as we saw each other I can't even begin to imagine moving her pictures that would be like telling everyone that I don't love her anymore and why would I want to meet someone else I'm still married just because she's in heaven sorry for rambling on

 

[profmom]

I get so tired of looking at the world of couples. I get tired of driving everywhere alone. I get tired of coming home to an empty house and certainly tired of crawling into an empty bed. I have no motivation to take care of myself yet I know I need to. I get tired of trying to put on a happy face when around my friends so they don't worry about me. I just want someone to take care of me again. I miss that.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I get so tired of looking at the world of couples. I get tired of driving everywhere alone. I get tired of coming home to an empty house and certainly tired of crawling into an empty bed. I have no motivation to take care of myself yet I know I need to. I get tired of trying to put on a happy face when around my friends so they don't worry about me. I just want someone to take care of me again. I miss that.

I've been where you're at. How long has it been for you? It's been 3 1/2 years for me. My church is mostly married people and our Pastor is more focused on "family" cuz that's what he has. I have to remind him sometimes that not everyone in the church is married or has family. Right now we are having a Tuesday night church get together that is "Laugh your way to a better marriage". I told him, I really don't have a need for that. Some people will never get it, until they go thru what we've went thru, and even then, everybody is different. Sorry you're feeling so down. Try to remember that your SO would want you to take care of yourself, and so would God. And try to stop worrying what everyone thinks. You don't have to put on a happy face for everyone. If your friends are worried about you, just ask them to keep you in prayer.
I pray that God will comfort you in this difficult time and give you peace.

 

[profmom]

It's been just over a year (May 21st). I know that some days are better than others - triggers happen and then it all hits. I think all the news about Tim Russert dying suddenly hasn't helped - my husband died suddenly from the 'widow maker' heart attack too. I'll be fine....I'm leaving Thursday for HHI for a few days - really need the break.