I'm just tired...of all of it

[memoriesbymichelle]

I am just tired.....tired of being lonely, tired of constantly trying to get in shape, tired of not being understood by the masses, tired of not having a companion to help out and share with.
I know I am doing the best I can with my kids, but other than that, and "trying" to get in shape (again) my life doesn't have much meaning. I'm involved in church, and in women's Bible study. I go to the gym 5 days a week. I have one good friend I get together with once a week. It's been 3 years since my husband died and I just feel like today my life is kinda boring and I don't know if there is anything I can do about it. Am I the only one or does anyone else ever feel this way?

 

[JeanR]

I feel the same way. The weekends are the worst. I will go anywhere, do anything just to fill the time. Both my grief counselor and my pastor said to keep doing what I'm doing. My grief counselor pointed out, however, that I am filling my time with entertainment, what I really want is something meaningful in my life. That is where I am lost. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I keep looking to the Lord for direction, but I don't sense any leading. My friends in my bible study said that means God isn't ready to reveal his plan for me yet. Or should I say, I'm not ready yet to know.

I feel so frustrated and useless. If I live as long as my parents did (mom was 86 and dad was 80 when they died), I could live another 30 or 35 years. I could be a widow longer than I was married! I can't imagine being in this state for so long. I am longing for someone special, which surprises me. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do next.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I feel the same way. The weekends are the worst. I will go anywhere, do anything just to fill the time. Both my grief counselor and my pastor said to keep doing what I'm doing. My grief counselor pointed out, however, that I am filling my time with entertainment, what I really want is something meaningful in my life. That is where I am lost. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I keep looking to the Lord for direction, but I don't sense any leading. My friends in my bible study said that means God isn't ready to reveal his plan for me yet. Or should I say, I'm not ready yet to know.

I feel so frustrated and useless. If I live as long as my parents did (mom was 86 and dad was 80 when they died), I could live another 30 or 35 years. I could be a widow longer than I was married! I can't imagine being in this state for so long. I am longing for someone special, which surprises me. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do next.

That is exactly how I feel too!! Except I do have kids to raise, so of course I know I am supposed to be doing that...I look around my house and there are soooo many pictures etc of my husband and I can not imagine putting those away, so then I start thinking maybe I WILL be a widow the rest of my life just because how could another man deal with that? And that makes me really sad But since we don't know God's plan....I keep plugging along, hoping it will click and either I will become OK with forever being single or somehow another prince charming will walk into my life, but at this stage of the game I think the latter is highly unlikely.

 

[InHisCare]

I understand completely! It has only been a year and eight months for me, but it feels like I have been a widow forever. I do have good days but even on the those days it feels more like I'm just going thru the motions of normal living. Yes I still get up every Sunday for Church. I am at Women's Bible study on Mondays. I am very involved with my childrens activities. But it all still seems very empty. My husband was sick for several years before he died, so it wasn't exactly easy then either. But I had him to talk to, cry with, laugh with, and yes even get angry with. I pray to find that peace everyone talks about. I pray that for all of you who are in this same situation!

 

[cajunhillbilly]

I am a widower of a little over 2 years, and I feel the same way. I am so lonely and I feel like my life has no meaning. I sometimes feel like I wish God would just take me home and get it over with. I was happily married for 21 years when my beloved died. I have gotten past the intense pain but the loneliness is driving me crazy. email me if you just want to chat. If you want me email send me a private message. I am 54, soon to be 55.

 

[CRASH2008]

I'm tired too. The other night at 7:30 p.m. I came trudging up the hill to my house a day at work then travel by public transportation (gives me more time to think - right) and I realized that at a meeting with co-workers and a boss that the extra comittments being asked of all us affect me more than them. They are married so they have someone else to pickup the slack. My slack died! Darn that man why did he not go to the doctor and pay attention to his stupid bladder in 2005? If he had he probably would still be here to help me do stuff - rather than me having to do it all alone. It stinks. And now my job is a more demanding than it has been but if I want to eat I got to be there. I like my job - God has blessed me in that area. But tired of being alone - YES. Wating on God" YES but wishing he would drop that duck wth the answer of YES here is the one or NO - be content to be alone.... OH please let it be the duck Lord...

I need some one to get me motivated now. Even a good friend.

 

[Elshevia]

Hello all, I kow it is difficult, and wearysome when you have no one waiting for you when you come home, the home you shared is empty, and you are left with if onlys
I know I have been through all of what you are going through now, but what do you do about it, thats the question, days go into weeks then months, to years,
and you answer everyone who asks how you are doing
Oh me, I'm fine when your heart is breaking,
and you think was I ment to stay by myself, is this what God wanted of me, if it is it must be something big,
well do what I did, ask Him and give Him no rest untill He answers, Thats His Word, to ask, and give no rest until you get the answer, as many times as it takes, and when you get the answer you can move on, because like me, as I was, you all seem to be stuck, I am not being rude, I just recognise the symptoms, I wish all of you the very best our Lord can give you in the future
I am a Widow of 8 Years, it can be very Hard Elshevia.

 

[UncleDave]

It will be one year tomorrow that my beloved Donna passed away. I think I have reached the point where I am accepting, without understanding.

I find myself now able to begin counting my blessings. The greatest blessing of all is that I had faith through everything. I don't know how I could have coped without such a foundation. As my house fell down around me, that foundation has held strong.

That isn't to say my faith has been unwavering, because losing my wife -- my best friend, my son's mother -- has shaken my faith to its core. I have even had moments of doubt as to the very existence of God. I don't suppose that's unusual in the wake of tragedy. But the faith foundation that was laid during my youth still stands, and I realize that it's necessary in order to rebuild. I have an opportunity to shore it up and build an even stronger house of faith upon it, and through that process be a witness to my son. Trying to build a foundation of my own wisdom would result in disaster. Praise God for the grace of having been born into a Christian family!

Even so, this has been hard in ways that I could not have imagined. II miss the companionship, and long for understanding. I wish people could just "get it." I wish she was here for our son, because a 5-1/2 year old needs his mother. I could never substitute for her. I miss her being here for me to lean on, to share the joy, to share the burden, to depend on me as I depended on her, to share life with as we season with time. I still believe no other human being could understand me or accept as completely she did.

This is something we will not forget. We won't magically "get over it" one day. These experiences are permanently engraved onto our souls and are shaping who we are. It is only in our Lord that we can truly heal. I wish people could understand that we are traveling a long and arduous path, and there is no shortcut. One thing I know is that if we keep our faith we will all become stronger because of it.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

you're right UncleDave. It's like that saying "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I know I am strong, but I think we all just want to do our best in light of what's happened and at times we just don't know what "our best" means.

 

[Solaris]

That is exactly how I feel too!! Except I do have kids to raise, so of course I know I am supposed to be doing that...I look around my house and there are soooo many pictures etc of my husband and I can not imagine putting those away, so then I start thinking maybe I WILL be a widow the rest of my life just because how could another man deal with that? And that makes me really sad But since we don't know God's plan....I keep plugging along, hoping it will click and either I will become OK with forever being single or somehow another prince charming will walk into my life, but at this stage of the game I think the latter is highly unlikely.

Keeping pictures of the dead husband around will go a long way towards keeping you single and grieving and stuck in the past. At least that is what I have observed happen.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Keeping pictures of the dead husband around will go a long way towards keeping you single and grieving and stuck in the past. At least that is what I have observed happen.

Well maybe, maybe not. I love the pictures of my husband. I don't think I am "stuck" in grief either. There just hasn't been anybody that I am interested in come in my view. If and when that happens, then maybe the pictures would come down, but until that time there is no reason to put them away. Anyway I wrote this thread on one of my "down" days, and I'm past that now.

 

[c1ners]

Well maybe, maybe not. I love the pictures of my husband. I don't think I am "stuck" in grief either. There just hasn't been anybody that I am interested in come in my view. If and when that happens, then maybe the pictures would come down, but until that time there is no reason to put them away. Anyway I wrote this thread on one of my "down" days, and I'm past that now.

You keep the pictures up as long as you need to. My husbands pictures didn't come down until after I remarried, and not all of them then. In fact I still have a collage of our wedding picuters that I have hanging up in our daughters bedroom. And it's been over 20 years. Your grief is your grief, and no one has the right to tell you that you are grieving wrongly. And if you meet a man and he doesn't like the fact that you keep your late husbands pictures up, he isn't worth your time. Any deserving man would understand. You didn't divorce him, you lost him. There's a big big difference.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

You keep the pictures up as long as you need to. My husbands pictures didn't come down until after I remarried, and not all of them then. In fact I still have a collage of our wedding picuters that I have hanging up in our daughters bedroom. And it's been over 20 years. Your grief is your grief, and no one has the right to tell you that you are grieving wrongly. And if you meet a man and he doesn't like the fact that you keep your late husbands pictures up, he isn't worth your time. Any deserving man would understand. You didn't divorce him, you lost him. There's a big big difference.

Thank you, and I agree with you. No man could be in my life that didn't understand somewhat what I've been thru. If he is so insecure that he can't handle pictures of a man that isn't even on this earth anymore, then he doesn't understand anything and isn't the man for me, I agree. Thank you for your kind words. Today, I am in a place with God that, I will wait on whatever he has in store for me, cuz I DO know that He DOES have a plan for our lives.

 

[JeanR]

Michelle
Remember there are no rules when it comes to grieving the loss of a spouse. If you want to keep the pictures up, then do. I did remove Terry's picture from our bedroom, but that was it. Terry was my husband of 29 years and the father of our four children. Why would I eliminate his pictures?

And I agree with you, if a man isn't man enough to honor my love for the husband of my youth, than he isn't the man for me.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Michelle
Remember there are no rules when it comes to grieving the loss of a spouse. If you want to keep the pictures up, then do. I did remove Terry's picture from our bedroom, but that was it. Terry was my husband of 29 years and the father of our four children. Why would I eliminate his pictures?

And I agree with you, if a man isn't man enough to honor my love for the husband of my youth, than he isn't the man for me.

Thanks JeanR, I agree with you and I am perfectly comfortable keeping the pictures up for now. If I had someone else in my life, then maybe I would change some things, but for now that's not really an option. I was really only responding to what Solaris said and I quote "Keeping pictures of the dead husband around will go a long way towards keeping you single and grieving and stuck in the past. At least that is what I have observed happen."
I don't happen to agree with that statement, and so I responded accordingly. I also don't refer to him as "the dead husband" sounds very cold, but anyway...I'm doing OK ....considering.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Hello all, I kow it is difficult, and wearysome when you have no one waiting for you when you come home, the home you shared is empty, and you are left with if onlys
I know I have been through all of what you are going through now, but what do you do about it, thats the question, days go into weeks then months, to years,
and you answer everyone who asks how you are doing
Oh me, I'm fine when your heart is breaking,
and you think was I ment to stay by myself, is this what God wanted of me, if it is it must be something big,
well do what I did, ask Him and give Him no rest untill He answers, Thats His Word, to ask, and give no rest until you get the answer, as many times as it takes, and when you get the answer you can move on, because like me, as I was, you all seem to be stuck, I am not being rude, I just recognise the symptoms, I wish all of you the very best our Lord can give you in the future
I am a Widow of 8 Years, it can be very Hard Elshevia.

So....what was the answer God gave you?

 

[Hisbygrace]

you're right UncleDave. It's like that saying "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I know I am strong, but I think we all just want to do our best in light of what's happened and at times we just don't know what "our best" means.

God is so amazing! Today has been a little hard for me. My beloved Buck will be gone 6 years in May. The year he died we would have been married 36 years on July 1st. I think about him a lot and although God has given me peace over the pain in the past years I still continue to miss Buck more each day. I miss his touch, his smile, his kiss. I miss hearing him say I love you sug. I miss his laughter, I miss his love. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone to go to the movies with or out to dinner or dancing and then I think to myself how much I would love to dance with my husband again. I thank God for every moment He gave us together. For every mountain we climbed, every river we crossed and every flower filled meadow we walked through together. Our life wasn't always easy or happy, but every moment of it helped us to grow closer and bond deeper. I don't know if God will ever bring anyone else into my life, but I'll rest and wait on Him, because I know He knows His plans for me. Sorry I didn't mean to rattle on, I just thought how amazing God is that He brings us to the places where we need to be. This morning thinking of Buck I thought what you said in your post "What doesn't kill us will make us stronger". God bless everyone here and be at peace that God will get you through this journey, to the place where He wants each of us to be.

 

[HighLonesome]

As the surviving spouse, I have experienced and am still experiencing all of this weariness, loneliness, doubt and everything else that comes with the situation. I wonder how can I trust in our Lord for the future when I have trouble trusting in Him for today. I reason that He took my very beautiful and special wife from me so now He really owes me BIG time. Then I remember He doesn't owe me anything and then His words come to me through Job: "Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements? Surely you know! Or who stretched the line upon it? To what were its foundations fastened? Or who laid its cornerstone, When the morning stars sang together . . . you can continue reading chpts 38 & 39 to be humbled. I don't know how long my journey will be through this time of transition. I know there will eventually be an ending to my previous life and then there will be a beginning to my new life. NO, I'll never forget my Sunshine and any future relationship will be one of three hearts . . . maybe four if I meet a widow. I don't have any answers for you; it is all good advice, but realize it is still YOUR walk on this path and you have to be true to your heart. I have a plaque on my wall that use to hang in my parents home, so I can never remember not looking at it . . . it's words simple say: The future is as bright as the promises of God.

 

[Aileen]

While I try to understand a widower/widow saying that any future relationship will be of three hearts, surely a strong, loving relationship can only exist between two people.

 

[JeanR]

I respectfully disagree, Aileen. Terry will always be a part of me, he is the father of my 4 children and my first love. In a new relationship, my new husband would be a priority and I would love him, but in a different way than I did Terry. Different doesn't mean better or worse, or more or less important, just different. It would still be one of love and respect.

I have friends who have been through losing a spouse and remarrying. Dan and Mimsie love each other very much, but they also recognize and respect that they each had a spouse that they truly loved, too. They often talk together and with others about their first spouses, and you can see that that mutual respect has deepened their own relationship.