I have just been really sad all the time. Sunday night I had one of the worst panic attacks I have ever had, bad enough that I should have gone to the hospital, but I didn't. I sat in the church parking lot for about an hour and then I was headed to do who knows what, my state of mind was not good. I couldn't go home because I didn't want my family to know and I was afraid I was going to do something I would regret. I ended up sitting outside my friends apartment for another 1 1/2 hours in my car with my keys on my lap and it was only 25F deg out with a wind chill below zero. I didn't know what else to do besides call my friend who was takeing a nap so I left a message and asked him to please call me asap. Well he did call me and I went up to his apartment and we talked and I cried and before I left he gave me a hug. I'm finding myself faceing life and I have no idea what to do with it, I just shutdown when everything comes at me. I need prayer, I need a hug, and I need close guy friends to confide all this to that won't freak out over my struggle with homosexuality. I'm not sure why I'm shareing this, maybe I'm hopeing someone who lives close would read it or even someone that I know. I'm tired of being empty and alone, I'm tired of having nothing to come home to, I'm tired of struggling.....My Jesus, where are you?