I'm in Relationship Hell...Save Me!!!

[Mr. Brightside]

I’m really devastated on the turn of events in the last few weeks of my relationship. I have some commitment issues which has really hurt my relationship and now I might have lost it for good.

Every hurdle that we go through I just want to end things. I know its not right but that’s the way I get in the heat of the moment. It has really crushed my girlfriend and hurt her self esteem. Even more it has affected her family and her dad knows she cries a lot because of my lack of commitment.

Last week things escalated and our parents got involved. I wanted to end things again out of frustration and her dad found out. Both our families were supposed to get together last Friday. When my mom called him saying that it’ll be cancelled because we were arguing, he said he should have intervened and stopped our relationship along time ago and that he couldn’t handle the stress of our ups and downs.

So as the cycle goes once things calm down I regret ever saying that I wanted to end things. But things have gone too far now with her dad saying such a thing.

To add salt to the wounds I made a comment in the past which criticized his family. His wife is suffering from depression and one time out of anger I compared my girlfriend to her mom. A terrible thing to do. She told her dad about this and now he’s even more enraged telling my mom that I wasn’t welcome in his house.

I want my relationship back. I know I’ve strayed away from God and that’s how these things have ruined our relationship. I’ve started to go to Christian counseling to deal with my issues. I know that the road to reconciliation leads through her dad but I am petrified at how angry he is and that he’ll stop the relationship for good. I understand his anger in seeing his daughter in so much pain and his anger towards me for making such a comparison of his wife.

Can any of you give me some Christian advice on how to approach this issue? Thanks so much. God Bless.

 

[Hope_0004]

Wow.

First of all, are you sure you want the relationship back? Are you sure that the next time something comes up you won't want to end it again? Because if you do, it's best to let it go now, if the end is inevitable.

If that's not the case, then you are right - somehow the two of you have managed to twist your families up in this so much that they are inextricable from the situation. How long have you been together?

If you really do want this back, you will have to talk to him, man to man, face to face. Call him and set up an "appointment" of sorts. Tell him that you know you have not been conducting yourself the way that God wants you to (or him or his daughter want you to either) but that you are committed to working on it.

If you do get her back, I would make it a priority to curb the family involvement in your issues. Of course you want to eat dinner, hang out and be close with each other's families. But there's a limit, and that limit has been met when she's telling her father every little thing you do (provided that she's not actually breaking up with you). She should know that will only cause more drama down the line. And you talking about her mother... his wife... not good. But your mom, her dad, whoever - shouldn't be in the middle of arguments between you and your girl.

Best of luck.

 

[U R my Sonshine]

You are 23. Why do you need parental input at this age? Too much drama... Looks like most parties here need to grow up a bit and that would include the intrusive parents.

 

[Q-La]

If you really mean it you will place her need foremost and not just want her forgiveness for yourself but for her own happiness. Once she's forgiven you it's up to her if she will want you back and if she's happy to be with you again it will mean something for her dad too, possibly after a period of time which proves your change. Anyway seek God's will in this matter .
Prayers.

 

[alwayz_remember_Calvery]

I give your girlfriend a hand for sticking with you so long. I'm not sure about anyone else, but if i was in her shoes, i'd tell you, that you were out of luck and that i didn't need that kind of drama in my life. i would have dropped you so fast your head would have spun after this: I made a comment in the past which criticized his family. His wife is suffering from depression and one time out of anger I compared my girlfriend to her mom. That was cruel, heartless, and uncalled for.
I think you need to spend sometime being single and learn to control yourself. You said that when you get frustrated you want to just end things, learn to deal with you frustrations. You should be lucky you're dealing with her dad and not mine. Mine would have come after you with a shot gun and some dull instrument of castration.
If you're going to treat your gf like that now, what happens when/if you get married? Why do you think you deserve her?
I can honestly say i'm totally disguested with the way you've been acting and you deserve to lose her.

 

[Mr. Brightside]

I give your girlfriend a hand for sticking with you so long. I'm not sure about anyone else, but if i was in her shoes, i'd tell you, that you were out of luck and that i didn't need that kind of drama in my life. i would have dropped you so fast your head would have spun after this: I made a comment in the past which criticized his family. His wife is suffering from depression and one time out of anger I compared my girlfriend to her mom. That was cruel, heartless, and uncalled for.
I think you need to spend sometime being single and learn to control yourself. You said that when you get frustrated you want to just end things, learn to deal with you frustrations. You should be lucky you're dealing with her dad and not mine. Mine would have come after you with a shot gun and some dull instrument of castration.
If you're going to treat your gf like that now, what happens when/if you get married? Why do you think you deserve her?
I can honestly say i'm totally disguested with the way you've been acting and you deserve to lose her.

Thanks for you honest input. However I didn't point a finger once to any of her mistakes. I posted with intent to rectify my mistakes. There's always two sides to every story....And yes I too am very ashamed at the way I have reacted.

 

[BubbaGumpShrimp]

I know I’ve strayed away from God and that’s how these things have ruined our relationship. I’ve started to go to Christian counseling to deal with my issues.

Id say that putting God first, laying the relationship aside for now, is a good way to go.
Get yourself on the right track with Him, He already knows what you want as far as a relationship with a woman goes, so work on things with Him for now.
The rest will work itself out.

 

[bliz]

Take a badly needed break from the relationship - at least 6 months. Focus on your relationship with God and living a life pleasing to Him. I would encourage you to find a spiritual director of mentor or accountability partner.

You clearly have some problems with control and with what is appropriate to say and what is not. Sounds to me as if you have a bad case of I'm-the-center-of-the-universeitis. There is no chance of you being a good couple if you are not a good man. Work on it.

 

[loved]

Pray and talk to your ex.

You need to show her you've changed,she needs to trust you again as does her family.

You need to do some serious making up to them.

 

[chiyongam]

Take a break for a while . Too much drama. You guys need to start over if you decide to that is and build a better foundation.

 

[heron]

Good points above. We can't see the whole picture, so please excuse us if we jump to conclusions.

I wonder if you're needing to pull away so often because you are spending too much time with each other, stifling each other. Maybe you just need to limit the days or hours you're together. In the reality of a developed marriage, you don't have time to do what you did when dating, and need more time with friends and outside pursuits. From the outside, it appears that she is placed on an emotional rollercoaster each time you make this decision...but is she depending on you too much? That happens, you know.

About the parents...yes, winning his favor is important. But some people never change, and we can't expect a Hollywood reconciliation. He might be gruff with everyone she has dated. He used to be able to still his fears about her by placing restrictions--now she's too old and he doesn't know how to "fix" her life. Leave and cleave is scriptural. You don't have to end up with everyone happy.

 

[charligirl]

I second the suggestion that you take some time out of this relationship and seek God and concentrate on sorting out your issues... if it's right then you can start again on a much healthier note some months down the line.

There is a great Christian book called 'The Yes Anxiety' which may be helpful in unravelling committment issues.

 

[Babymine]

You need to work on controlling your tongue and your emotions. Your gf and parents dont have anything to do with what comes out of YOUR mouth.
Just let things be. When you have a better control on yourself, maybe try if she's willing.
I wouldnt want to be with a guy who wants to run out at the first sign of trouble, that leaves her with 0 security. Who really wants to deal with that?

 

[horuhe00]

Last week I ended my relationship after a couple months of the same ups and downs. And as much as we love each other, I know that I had to end it because if I had stayed, things wouldn't change. Maybe we'll get back in the future. I sure hope we do. But if that means going back to the same thing... I'd rather not see her again.

I say give yourselves some space so you can deal with your stuff and she can deal with her stuff without having the relationship hanging over your heads. Obviously, being together isn't helping right now.

 

[Mr. Brightside]

Last week I ended my relationship after a couple months of the same ups and downs. And as much as we love each other, I know that I had to end it because if I had stayed, things wouldn't change. Maybe we'll get back in the future. I sure hope we do. But if that means going back to the same thing... I'd rather not see her again.

I say give yourselves some space so you can deal with your stuff and she can deal with her stuff without having the relationship hanging over your heads. Obviously, being together isn't helping right now.

Thanks alot for you advice. Seems like a logical move. Obviously you love her and hope you get back together. In this inbetween time are you telling people your in a relationship or just that you've broken off? How are you dealing with the public aspect?

In my situation we are part of a very tight knit community so word/rumors spread fast. I dont want to worry about pleasing others but inside I am insecure about them judging our relationship especially if God ever brings us together. How do suggest I deal with this aspect?

 

[charligirl]

In my situation we are part of a very tight knit community so word/rumors spread fast. I dont want to worry about pleasing others but inside I am insecure about them judging our relationship especially if God ever brings us together. How do suggest I deal with this aspect?

Just tell people you are having some time out to really seek God about your future because this is such an important decision for you both and you don;t want to make a wrong turn.

Taking time out to see if it's meant to be and seeking God is just plain wisdom and should stop any rumours or gossip.

 

[horuhe00]

Thanks alot for you advice. Seems like a logical move. Obviously you love her and hope you get back together. In this inbetween time are you telling people your in a relationship or just that you've broken off? How are you dealing with the public aspect?

In my situation we are part of a very tight knit community so word/rumors spread fast. I dont want to worry about pleasing others but inside I am insecure about them judging our relationship especially if God ever brings us together. How do suggest I deal with this aspect?

I'm telling people what the real situation is, not what I wish would happen. When they ask, I tell them that I broke it off because there are differences between us that weren't working out. They weren't geting fixed and I wasn't going to accept those things in a marriage so there was no logical reason to continue the relationship. I then tell them that I hope things can get better between us but that there are no strings attached. This could be a bump on the road or it could be the end of the road. (We were the type that people said "If anyone should be together, it's you two.")

As for the rumors spreading fast, the best you can do is to tell people the truth but only as much as they need to know. Don't tell a story that makes you look good or her bad.

It sucks, I know. Sometimes, life gives you situations where there are no seemingly good alternatives. Just pray and ask God for direction. 5 years from now, you'll look back and laugh.

 

[Sploge]

i know that comming froma 17 year old you may blow this off but oh well i will try my best...

your relation ship needs to take a stand still chill pill it sounds really severe ands it also sounds liek your in a really BIG hole. i think that you just need to lay RIGHT off a bit and take some time out with God. just explain it all to God and then he will start to ork in your life more than you know. if it is ment to be in God;s will then it shall happen. not in your will. sure enough you may want the ralationship back real bad i been there asnd i did Xactly what i am telling you to do and now i have that relationship back and it is Gods power that put me there no one elses...

lok i hope i have helpped out in SOME little way and not watsed your time... let us al know though what you thinking of doing and how things turn out..

Love simon!!!

 

[heron]

Simon, glad you got the desires of your heart!

It seems like one of the wrenches in break-ups is a strong physiological-brain tie that forms when you're connected for so long. I think our whole bodies adapt to keeping the person around. When it falls apart, it seems so wrong. I don't think it's all pheromones, or love (whatever that entity is), or even emotional dependence. I think there's more, a neurological process that scientists haven't studied yet.

 

[agyevesam]

It sounds like you both need a break from each other. Maybe you should think about taking some time off from being in a commited relationship. If you have commitment issues, you are only going to keep hurting the women you are with. Work on yourself, than you will have the energy to work at a relationship. And if your "ex" is "the one", maybe the time apart will heal old hurts and give her a chance to see you have changed. God Bless you, you and your situation are in my prayers. Peace