I'm having an affair....

[Struggling3]

Some of you may remember my previous post months ago about having a "secret addiction" to talking to men online. Obviously things have gotten far worse. I completely fell away from God and let my sin consume me. I'm now involved in a full fledged affair. I've attempted to break things off multiple times but only end up giving in again and again. I can't begin to describe the guilt and shame I am experiencing. So much so that I began experiencing suicidal thoughts last night. I'm determined to put a stop to it and I WANT it to stop. I need help, support and a lot of prayers please. I know many of you will think I am just horrible and undeserving of any kind of sympathy...I'm not looking for sympathy and trust me I know how bad I've messed up. I want to begin the road back to God and putting this behind me.

 

[Kindled]

Praying For You!

 

[Symph]

Some of you may remember my previous post months ago about having a "secret addiction" to talking to men online. Obviously things have gotten far worse. I completely fell away from God and let my sin consume me. I'm now involved in a full fledged affair. I've attempted to break things off multiple times but only end up giving in again and again. I can't begin to describe the guilt and shame I am experiencing. So much so that I began experiencing suicidal thoughts last night. I'm determined to put a stop to it and I WANT it to stop. I need help, support and a lot of prayers please. I know many of you will think I am just horrible and undeserving of any kind of sympathy...I'm not looking for sympathy and trust me I know how bad I've messed up. I want to begin the road back to God and putting this behind me.

I'm going to admit this for your sake. Years ago (I was single) I had an affair with a married woman. It was short lived, but it happened. I was a christian at the time as well, but I was floundering in my walk and not giving God much thought at all. It took me years to get passed the guilt completely, and I thought I was worthless for a while because of it. But God took me back, (to be honest I don't think he ever left) he cleaned me up, he repaired the marriage of the woman involved, and now I'm a happily married man who has never been unfaithful to his wife, not even in thought!

This is not the end for you, it's gonna be incredibly hard, and you will need the spirit's guidance completely, rely on yourself and you're screwed. You need to repent with all your might, and beg God for direction. Stay EVER vigilant in the word. You may have to pay a great price for this, but God can use things like these to be turning points in our lives, and we can come out of them even better than we were before.

Cut off ALL contact with that man, do it drastically, do it immediately. If you want God's help you can't keep your toe dipped in the water, you gotta pull yourself outta there and throw yourself into his arms. It will be ok. You will survive this.

 

[Dave-W]

Praying for you.

Just how serious are you about fixing this?
Serious enough to confess to your husband and pastor?
Serious enough to find a good biblical Marriage counselor?

I am sure there are many good qualified counselors where you live. If you are TRULY serious you will find one IMMEDIATELY and do everything they say.

 

[Dave-W]

Cut off ALL contact with that man, do it drastically, do it immediately. If you want God's help you can't keep your toe dipped in the water, you gotta pull yourself outta there and throw yourself into his arms. It will be ok. You will survive this.

Amen and amen.

 

[Goatee]

Waw Struggling3. Same position as me in life! Been going on for 2 years now. Been to confession about 90 times in past 2 years too! Been addicted to the lust for the other woman!

I told wife soon after it started. We are getting divorced now but that's for other reasons. Absolutely no love or physical relations in our marriage for 10 years! This, unfortunately, drew me to someone else!

Been 2 years of hell. Yes, thoughts of ending it all too! Why? Because I absolutely love God and cannot believe I have done this. I have talked about this before on these forums.

I have sought lots of religious help from many clergy.

I have not seen this other woman for quite some time now though as I am determined to beat the devil. It has not been easy. I have been so down about it. My wife has had no love for me so she doesn't care as she wants to divorce and that's that. I wanted my marriage back but she didn't. We talked about divorce a few years ago too. Before I committed adultery.

It has not been easy. It's been horrific.

I have begged God for guidance, help etc.

Recently I have been praying for chastity. I have been asking Mary to intercede and St Padre Pio. As a Catholic I believe in intercession. You may not but I really love Mary and St Padre Pio.

I am praying that God will answer my prayers too.

Don't give up hope! If you fail, get up and try again. Jesus said to forgive 77 x 7 (I think). God is full of mercy and love. Remember, Jesus came to save sinners! He knows you are trying, same as me.
Keep asking God for guidance. Try your very best to stay strong in your faith.

If you do fail then go on your knees and tell God you are sorry and will try harder next time.

2 years I have been in this position. I won't give up on God! NEVER!

God bless you

 

[Hidden In Him]

I want to begin the road back to God and putting this behind me.

I remember you, sister. I also remember you were very discontented with your husband as well, and it would appear this hasn't changed any.

Since this is the case, I think the picture is pretty obvious now. You are far too consumed with MEN instead of God, and this is your primary problem. While I wouldn't advise divorce or separation just yet, I would not only urge you to separate yourself from this affair but also from your husband for a time (and make sure you explain to him that you are ending the affair, or he will in all likelihood not understand). Just inform your husband that you need time to find yourself in God again, and refocus your entire life. If he refuses to understand that then I'd venture to say he may not actually love you, unfortunately.

But only when the Lord becomes the primary focus of your heart and mind again will you ever be able to find peace in the other areas of your life.

 

[Edo2]

Cut off ALL contact with that man, do it drastically, do it immediately. If you want God's help you can't keep your toe dipped in the water, you gotta pull yourself outta there and throw yourself into his arms. It will be ok. You will survive this.

I want to echo this advice.

I remember from your other thread this started online. Take yourself offline as much as possible. Change your phone number if needed. Get rid of any social media as well and limit your online use for neccesity only. In other words stay away from the temptation that started it.

I've been where you are at as you read in your other thread. You can do this. I know from experience. After you cut contact with this guy and once online is limited you will probably find yourself with more time to fill and a void. I started reading. The Bible for one. I also searched out Christian authors and found books that could enhance my faith and walk. Aside from reading i stayed busy and productive in a positive way. Even pick out 2 or 3 verses that have meaning to you and you can draw strength from and memorize them.

With the help of the holy spirit you can do this. Their isn't a doubt in my mind on it.

 

[writewords]

Some of you may remember my previous post months ago about having a "secret addiction" to talking to men online. Obviously things have gotten far worse. I completely fell away from God and let my sin consume me. I'm now involved in a full fledged affair. I've attempted to break things off multiple times but only end up giving in again and again. I can't begin to describe the guilt and shame I am experiencing. So much so that I began experiencing suicidal thoughts last night. I'm determined to put a stop to it and I WANT it to stop. I need help, support and a lot of prayers please. I know many of you will think I am just horrible and undeserving of any kind of sympathy...I'm not looking for sympathy and trust me I know how bad I've messed up. I want to begin the road back to God and putting this behind me.

Does your husband know about this?

 

[Endeavourer]

You're in a tough situation, my sister.

The reason you are so torn about staying in an affair, which is the most destructive thing you could do to your life, is that you are addicted to it. Affairs are addictions.

You must kill your affair to break your addiction. Not just walk away from it, but literally kill it. If you just walk away you'll be drawn back again and again, just like a drug addict craves her next hit.

To kill it, tell your husband everything. Give him complete access to your devices and all of your passwords. This gives you immediate accountability and oversight which will keep you from running back. Have him tell your family and friends so they can support your husband through this very painful experience in his life. That will also be an enormous deterrent for you to re-engage in the affair, a deterrent that you need, because you will be mortified for them to keep hearing the news that you continue to have sex with another man.

Once the family has been invited into the news, you will see the affair in an entirely new light and it will quickly turn to dust in your appetite. You will be shocked back to reality and question how you ever did such a thing. THIS is exactly what you need in order to break your addiction.

Here are some great resources for you and your husband to lean on during this time:

Steps to Recover from an affair/infidelity in marriage

 

[writewords]

Telling her husband's family could more than likely produce some hostility from his family toward her. I wouldn't advise that so quickly.

 

[Endeavourer]

Telling her husband's family could more than likely produce some hostility from his family toward her. I wouldn't advise that so quickly.

Well, in it's the affair itself that may cause the hostility, not the telling, right? However, if she expresses how sorry she is about it quite often a family will rally around in support.

What would be worse for this poster: to continue in her addiction which she has been unable to break and destroy whatever desire her husband has to reconcile, or to kill the affair and potentially suffer some hostility from the in-laws?

Here is what one of the most successful marriage counselors advises to kill an affair:

Dr. Harley: "Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."

"The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. A spouse's secret second life made the affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for the wayward spouse to see the damage he/she has been doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."

What do you think of this link?

Coping with Infidelity: The End (Part 2)

 

[writewords]

I am not saying she shouldn't tell her husband. She definitely needs too. No, she should not tell his family, parents, siblings, and so forth. They may be unforgiving and vindictive. If the husband chooses to do so, then those are lumps she will have to take. However, there is no reason to offer up this information if it isn't need t need-to-know. This is between her, the Lord and her husband---not his family.

 

[Dave-W]

However, if she expresses how sorry she is about it quite often a family will rally around in support.

OR they may continue to drag it up to her decades from now.

OR they could actively try to force a divorce.

 

[Endeavourer]

Writewords and Dave-W, what is your advice on helping her break her addiction to the affair?

Exposure not only serves to break her foggy thinking, but it also serves for accountability as well as a deterrent for her to return back to her affair partner, all big incentives for her to stop that which she tried but couldn't stop on her own.

Do you have different advice on breaking an addiction? If so, what do you advise?

The source I quoted above operated a chain of addiction clinics prior to specializing in building marriages, and his experience with addictions plus his observations of what works in the couples who do recover was the source of his method to expose the affair. In his experience, exposure gave the marriage the best chance of recovery after an affair, and was the start of the healing process.

Where in the Bible do you find instruction to not seek forgiveness from those you have harmed on the outside possibility that someone might drag it up, be unforgiving or vindictive?

I can assure you that a divorce is fully an extended family matter, and that's where she is headed if she returns to her affair partner, if her addiction is not broken. Her husband will lose all incentive and desire to reconcile when he sees this is hopeless.

It seems you are placing any discomfort she might feel in confessing her wrong and seeking much needed accountability as a higher priority than dealing with her addiction, which is basically enabling the addiction to continue.

However, I note the OP seems to have left the thread so perhaps further discussion is not relevant anyway.

 

[writewords]

No. Divorce is not an extended family matter. She married her husband, not family. No matter how much culture would like to tell you otherwise, 2 become one. See Matthew 19. Where in the Bible do you see one Marrys the entire other side of the family? She cheated on her husband, she needs to se forgiveness from him, not his family. Involving them will only complicate things.

 

[Endeavourer]

No. Divorce is not an extended family matter. She married her husband, not family. No matter how much culture would like to tell you otherwise, 2 become one. See Matthew 19. Where in the Bible do you see one Marrys the entire other side of the family? She cheated on her husband, she needs to se forgiveness from him, not his family. Involving them will only complicate things.

Sir, in a divorce the extended family loses either a a brother/sister/son/daughter and access to their nieces/nephews/grandchildren half the time, at a minimum. Further, the extended family will spend a tremendous amount of energy comforting and counseling the betrayed spouse. The extended family will also feel the children's searing pain at the breakup of their family as well as in many cases be helplessly sidelined as the children turn to bad places in defiance and/or pain.

If the custodial parent moves, the extended family essentially loses access to the children altogether. As a parent-in-law and a grandparent, I can certainly tell you this would cause a tremendous amount of grief and loss.

If you are a pastor, surely you have seen the consequences of a divorce tearing through the whole family, including the extended family.

A divorce is a very grievous and wretched thing for her, her husband, her children and her extended family.

I am astonished that you are so worried about her embarrassment that you are willing to enable her addiction to the potential destruction of her family.

Otherwise, what was your solution to breaking her addiction to this affair?

 

[Endeavourer]

Also, I meant to ask if you had noticed this question I had asked earlier, as I did not notice an answer in your reply:

Where in the Bible do you find instruction to not seek forgiveness from those you have harmed on the outside possibility that someone might drag it up, be unforgiving or vindictive?

 

[Endeavourer]

Where in the Bible do you see one Marrys the entire other side of the family?

I would like to be responsive to your post and provide an answer but I don't understand your question.

 

[writewords]

Where in the Bible do you see, when someone marries someone else, that they marry their family too? I find, "two become one" not, two become with the rest of the family. Marriage difficulties, trials, happen between the spouses, not the extended family.