I'm finally facing it...

[Criada]

Sweetheart.. you are doing so well. Not cutting for 52 days is awesome... I can't even get close to that!!
Wanting to die is normal... you are depressed and you have a lot to deal with. It doesn't make you a bad person, sweetie... just an honest one. Admitting that you feel that way is a big step. Try to give yourself permission to feel your feelings, sweetie, even when they are bad. You will realise more and more that even if you feel bad, it's ok, and you can get through the feelings, they won't overwhelm you. Sometimes there just aren't immediate answers, we have to sit in the dark for a bit and learn that, actually, we are able to cope.

You say that too many people rely on you... that can be very hard when you are feeling down yourself. Try to make sure there is room for you, sweetie. I don't know whether you can let people know that you are struggling and can't support them as much - but if you can, try to pull back a bit and concentrate on yourself.

You are a very strong, special young woman, sweetie.. I know you don't feel that way, but keep reminding yourself that we see you that way, and more importantly, God sees you that way

You are in my prayers, sister.

 

[DennaVeritas]

I can fully relate. You are not alone. I have been used by older men, and it is something a lot of women have to face. I will keep you in my prayers. God has something amazing planned for your life, you are going to touch so many women's lives. Probably public speaking, trust me, the Holy Spirit is watching out for you. You are special. It was not your fault. Your breakthrough is right there, just around the corner. God sees you as mighty, no longer a secretshadow,l but a brilliant light. Believe in yourself hun. You are going to do amazing things for the kingdom of the Lord. He loves you beyond measure. Laugh at the devil. Take some time to put him down, pray at him, even yell at him, laugh at him like I said. You are alive. No longer be afraid of Him. The Lord's light protects you. Read Psalm 91. It really helps. Print it and put it on your wall. Memorize it. The Lord is with you, and so are we! : )

Love you sister in Christ!

 

[secretshadows618]

Sorry once again for taking so long to give you guys news. Things had reached a new level of hectic in my life. A couple of weeks back my uncle lost feeling in his arm and both legs. He couldn't speak clearly and was really scared. He knew something was wrong. My uncle lives out in the country about 20 minutes outside of town. The responsibility fell upon me to rush to get him and take him to the hospital. Well, nature was definatly against me. It was pouring outside. Fastforwarding a bit, I got him to a hospital safely. That night the doctors told us he had a stroke. The next morning the neurologist told he not only had a stroke but mulitple strokes. He's doing really well now though. He can walk and talk and eat. God was truly watching over him because it could have been a lot worse. So I have been tending to him and the rest of my family's needs. Also, I have started my job. Its been great. I really enjoy it. I love the fact that I like going to work. I never wanted to be the person who hated their job. I'm glad that God blessed me with this. Its perfect for me. As for emotionally? I've been stressed... but I'm also just numb. I get into an automatic mode where I just do instead of feel. But it wears me down and is really stressful. Now I know I'm just going through the motions. I'm counting down the days till I can leave my mothers home and find a place where I belong. Every day I have doubt that I will make it, but everyday I strive to prove myself wrong. That may sound a little weird... Well, anyways I am here and I don't plan on going anywhere.

Johnnz - Thank you for your kind words. They are very encouraging and give me the hope that I need.

myanchor - You're right its a bad case of homesickness. It's easier to deal with now that I don't feel so horrible for feeling that way. I want to also thank you for your kind words. It gives me a different perspective and a better way to look at my situation and myself in general.

criada - Thank you for the encouragement. That 52 days has now turned into 75. Yes a lot of people do rely on me. As I get older they rely on me even more. I am a granddaughter, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a niece, a cousin, and a friend. With all those roles comes responsibility. Whether I like it or not people in my family need me. They aren't stable and I have to be there. That is a fact that I accepted a long time ago. I will step away when I can but I'm not sure when that time will come. When I turn 18 I will move out. That will definatly lower my stress level but I won't be able to completely detach myself from my family. Although, my best friend and I have fantasized about taking off and dropping everyone. That is only a dream though. Truth is I would actually miss my family too much. Even if they drain me, I love every one of them.

DennaVeritas - I'm so sorry you can relate to me. It saddens me to hear it but it also nice to hear from so many people that I'm not alone. I took your advice and read Psalm 91. It is a powerful passage. I do plan on remembering it. Thank you for suggesting it.


Thank you so much everyone for putting up with my extremely long posts and for your prayers and kind words. It all means more than you know. I'll try to write more.

Secretshadows

 

[myanchor]

Oh my dear girl, you are definitely a special person. God loves you just for being His and I know He is so delighted with how you continue in faith and how you give His Love to your family. Just remember, you are so important to God, that He does say come away from them at times and He will approve if you have to leave to survive.

 

[Living4him09]

Just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you

 

[secretshadows618]

Well, I am coming on here with some good news today. A long time ago when I first posted on here. I confided in you guys that I felt some major guilt. If you can't recall what I said I will spare you the trouble of going back to find it. One of my closest friends had lost their virginty to my brother. I have always carried guilt for allowing them to date. I feel like she deserved to know but I had always been too much of a coward to tell her. After she lost her virginty to him I became even more afriad of what her reaction would be so I decided to never tell her. Long story short, I sent her an extremely long text message explaining everything. Right after she read it she called me. I was terrified! I was so not ready to verbally spill my guts about any of it so I sent her to voice mail. She left me a voicemail in tears telling me it wasn't my fault and most importantly that she loved me. I curled up in a ball and cried. I think mainly from relief. A huge burden was lifted off of me. I still feel guilty for not telling her back then but her knowing and not hating me is a huge deal. So I've made a small step, its only a little bit of progress but thats where I'm at for now.

Today is a happier day. Although I get discouraged when I'm happy but still feel saddness. I still feel like a big ball of hurt still. If I take a minute to pay attention to it, all I can see is pain. I'm learning to cope with it though. At least trying to.

myanchor- you say I'm a special person quite often. I don't understand why. The things I do are just me, its nothing I think about. None of it seems special or unique to me. You say God tells me to pull away sometimes. I can't pull away now. My mothers health is declining. She has a lot to look out for. Which really means I have a lot to look out for. For a while now I've been wondering if I would come home to find her dead or get a call saying she is. Now that is becoming a reality. Her health issues are her own fault for the most part. I feel Gods put me here to care for my family. At least for the time being.

living4him09 - Thank you for your prayers they are much appreciated and very much so are they needed.

I have more to say for another time but at the moment I'm exhausted and have to go to work tomorrow (or technically today). I will get a little more than 4 hours of sleep if I go to bed now. I love work but hate the early hours.

Thank you all for being here!

 

[spazlegs]

Hi, I just joined when I couldn't sleep.
I think I usnderstand this other guy.

You are special because you are God's child.

You are special because you have dreams.

You are special because you love even though you have had hard times.

You are special becaue you forgive.

You are specail because you aren't bitter and running around doing bad things like so many kids these days.

You are special because you are here and you give hope to others as you work through your stuff.

 

[Criada]

I am so glad that you were able to communicate with your friend that way... guilt is a very heavy burden, especially when it is unjustified guilt.
I am praying for strength and peace for you in all you have to do.

 

[secretshadows618]

Spazlegs - You are very kind. I am flattered that you and others think that way. To me, I'm just doing what any person should do. I guess there aren't too many people who do what they are supposed to... but I feel like its wrong to accept praise of any sort for something that I should do anyway.

criada - Thank you so much for your encouragement and prayers. It all means a lot. You're right, guilty is a heavy burden to carry and I've noticed that my burden has lightened some since I spoken to my friend. Its encouraging because now I'm realizing things really will get better

Since speaking to my friend I have made arrangments with a mutual friend to fly out and suprise her for christmas. Hopefully this will completely heal my friendship with her. Something I am really excited about. I just have to work on convincing my mother to allow me to go out there. I live in Texas and she lives all the way in Kentucky. Its a pretty big distance... but I think I can get her to allow me to go for just a few days. I really want to be there to see her anyway because she thinks she may be pregnant. I know while being there I won't be able to do much but I think I can help realize everything will be okay by letting her know I really can be there for her even from a distance. I have yet to meet the guy she is engaged to but I hope to take care of that while I'm there too.

I have reached a new problem though. Something I didn't think I would be facing for a very long time. To me it seems petty to get myself worked up in all of this, but I guess I should explain and hear what you guys have to say about it. The mutual friend that I've been planning this trip with is a guy friend of mine. Him and I have been close for about 4 years. I never dreamed of him and I being more than friends but recently our conversation has been leaning towards a more romantic relationship than a friendship. Shortly after telling my close friend about everything, I decided to confide in him everything too. I trust him completely and at the time I wasn't confused at what our relationship status was. I spent an hour talking him out of coming here to texas to kill my brother. (he also lives in kentucky) Well, since then him and I would talk even more than we did before. We've gotten a lot closer and often flirt with each other. Him and I have even talked about the what if's a romantic relationship between us. Certain circumstances prevent us from being romantically involved such as distance among some other things. We both admitted to each other that if we allowed ourselves to, we could fall for the other. I told him that he shouldn't allow himself to because he deserved better than me. He tells me the same about himself but at the same time he wants to prove to me that I'm not so broken and damaged that I can't be repaired. For me, I care about him and love him (as much as I love my family and friends) I don't want him to be hurt, I dont want him to miss out on someone who is worth his time. I really don't want to ruin my friendship with him. I feel like getting into a relationship is the most awful idea at the moment. I'm still a bit of a mess and I think it'd be unfair to who ever I'm with. Part of me thinks maybe I should go for it so I can have something to be happy about, but then I feel selfish for even thinking of putting someone else through all of my crap. So I really need some advice on this. I guess more of is it a bad idea to get romantically involved with anyone in general, at the present time? I want to know your thoughts.

Lately I haven't been as depressed as usual. I've noticed that I get bored. lol. I know that might sound weird but when I'm depressed I don't want to even move to turn on the light, I'm too down to bother with being bored. I've never been so happy to be bored! It doesn't happen often but its happening more than it used to. Which is a reliefe because my best friend has caught on to the fact that I'm not exactly happy to be alive. She has been a bit worried... but I'm doing the best I can to not drag her or anyone else down with me. Today is day 93 of not cutting myself. I never thought I'd make it this far. What really isn't cool is the fact that with every day I add to that, comes more of the desire to give in to temptation. It was a lot easier to make it to day 10 that it was to make it here. Some days I find myself holding a blade in my hand and then I come to my senses and throw it out. Its frustrating that it still has this hold on me. I don't like thinking about it so much. It doesn't help that I have so many awful scars. Something that I did on halloween, which some of you may not approve of, is I went and got my naval pierced. It wasn't a spur of the moment thing. I've wanted to get it done for years and finally talked my mom into letting me get it done I didn't get it done because of pain or anything, in fact it barely hurts at all. I just wanted one to have it. It looks pretty

Humm... my thoughts lately have all been scatter-brained. I try not to think of all the bad things going on in my head and heart. Either I end up completely ignoring it, which i know isn't healthy, or I allow it to consume me, which also isn't healthy. I don't know how to find a good medium. I don't know how to deal with everything correctly. If I let it consume me I can barely see any good around me, and it puts me on the brink of insanity. I feel like I'm always going to be this big broken heap. Nothing but a damaged package. I'm ready to be over this, to be done with it. I dunno when that will happen.

I've said a whole lot, most of its rambling. Thank you for putting up with my long rants. You guys are amazing!

Secretshadows

 

[Johnnz]

Your possible Relationship? Fear and a sense of unworthiness are pretty common. But love can be very healing. You may react to his increased intimacy favourably or you may find it real scary - like terrifying!

Depression can be a very dark place. You need to look at some support and whatever else may be needed to help you through those times.

But always remember. You are a new creation. You have been given a new beginning through and with Jesus. Although you must face and rework your past you are no longer bound by it. That's what our salvation is all about.

Bless you and thanks for your regular updates.

John
NZ

 

[secretshadows618]

Your possible Relationship? Fear and a sense of unworthiness are pretty common. But love can be very healing. You may react to his increased intimacy favourably or you may find it real scary - like terrifying!

Depression can be a very dark place. You need to look at some support and whatever else may be needed to help you through those times.

But always remember. You are a new creation. You have been given a new beginning through and with Jesus. Although you must face and rework your past you are no longer bound by it. That's what our salvation is all about.

Bless you and thanks for your regular updates.

John
NZ

So are you saying that it would be okay to be in a romantic relationship right now? Or do you think I should stick to just staying friends with him?

I do have support, its just often times I forget I can call them up and lean on them when I need to. My depression tells me I'm completely alone and I believe it. I convince myself not to count on those around me.

 

[spazlegs]

Hey girl, just got back on to answer a couple of points you've brought up. I stay off the computer lately, too much else going on.

Do you realize how rare it is for a person to do what they know to be right and what God wants even though it costs them? And to do it for a long time? I can't give you statistics, but in my years on this earth I know it is rare. Do you remember the verse saying that to God obedience is better than sacrifice? You are doing what you believe God is asking you to do. That is really special. God is delighted with you.

As for this girl-friend of yours, I know that it is a weight off your shoulders that she doesn't blame you and she still loves you. Stay in touch with her, she sounds like someone really good for you and you can be for her.

About the boy you like and who likes you. I think you and he should be very cautious and not get too involved right now. My goodness you are still only 17 in years, though I know you are way more mature than most teens. But, and this is a big but, you have not been in therapy for the assaults you've endured. You have been bottling up things. You've felt unrelenting guilt for not doing something to prevent it (at least that is what many survivors feel) You have been depressed. You do self injury. If things go wrong between you two for some reason, how would you react? I think it would devastate you. We maybe would even lose you. Not good for us. Though I know you would be better off with Jesus, but we would find it tragic.

On the marriage forums Ezoolander states that he thinks getting married too young is part of the problem in most of the marriages that end in divorce. I tend to agree with him. I've also notice that many, many of the marriages where the couples got married in their late teens and before the mid twenties end up in divorce court. I don't believe you deserve that dear girl. It seems one or the other partner feels like they have grown up so much since they married or they feel like they missed out on being single and they want to play now.

I am not saying you or this boy would do that, but I do want you to consider the possible negatives in getting involved with this boy. If you both can keep your hearts guarded from getting too close or going too far, then this could be a good thing. But it is hard and you haven't had a really good example with your mom and dad being divorced.

So please, make haste slowly. KWIM?

 

[secretshadows618]

Hey girl, just got back on to answer a couple of points you've brought up. I stay off the computer lately, too much else going on.

Do you realize how rare it is for a person to do what they know to be right and what God wants even though it costs them? And to do it for a long time? I can't give you statistics, but in my years on this earth I know it is rare. Do you remember the verse saying that to God obedience is better than sacrifice? You are doing what you believe God is asking you to do. That is really special. God is delighted with you.

As for this girl-friend of yours, I know that it is a weight off your shoulders that she doesn't blame you and she still loves you. Stay in touch with her, she sounds like someone really good for you and you can be for her.

About the boy you like and who likes you. I think you and he should be very cautious and not get too involved right now. My goodness you are still only 17 in years, though I know you are way more mature than most teens. But, and this is a big but, you have not been in therapy for the assaults you've endured. You have been bottling up things. You've felt unrelenting guilt for not doing something to prevent it (at least that is what many survivors feel) You have been depressed. You do self injury. If things go wrong between you two for some reason, how would you react? I think it would devastate you. We maybe would even lose you. Not good for us. Though I know you would be better off with Jesus, but we would find it tragic.

On the marriage forums Ezoolander states that he thinks getting married too young is part of the problem in most of the marriages that end in divorce. I tend to agree with him. I've also notice that many, many of the marriages where the couples got married in their late teens and before the mid twenties end up in divorce court. I don't believe you deserve that dear girl. It seems one or the other partner feels like they have grown up so much since they married or they feel like they missed out on being single and they want to play now.

I am not saying you or this boy would do that, but I do want you to consider the possible negatives in getting involved with this boy. If you both can keep your hearts guarded from getting too close or going too far, then this could be a good thing. But it is hard and you haven't had a really good example with your mom and dad being divorced.

So please, make haste slowly. KWIM?

Thanks for making time for me

I guess you're right about the obedince stuff. Not too many people do what is right or what God wants, I try though. I don't always succeed. I guess if I did I'd be the female version of Jesus but anyways, it still feels wrong to allow people to praise me for doing what I should be doing anyway. I think about how I tell people that all the time, then think back to how I am with my one year old niece. When she does something wrong we scold her. Tell her no and if its bad enough she gets a small slap on the hand. Shes punished for being wrong. When she does something good we reward her with tons of kisses and whatever else makes her happy. Thinking deeper into that I realize, if shes never given praise for what she does right then she'll automatically do something wrong to recieve some sort of judgement or attention. I can understand why people feel the need to praise me for what I do, but I want them to know its not neccassary. I'm content with just sitting back and watching. I get my reward by seeing smiles on people faces. When it comes to obeying God, well I'll get my ultimate reward up in heaven when I'm with Him.

I have been keeping in touch with my friend. Her and I talk just about every day again now, which really makes me happy. I miss her a lot even though shes been gone three years now. Her and I were inseperable when she lived here. We have never had an argument... well we did have one which led to me telling her about my brother but while she was here we never argued. Shes been a great friend to me. We've always looked out for each other. When she left texas I had bought fireworks so she could leave with a "bang" it was a bittersweet moment but one we haven't forgotten. Humm... I'm looking forward to seeing her again soon.

As for what you said about the guy, I understand completely. I have never been one to rush into a romantic relationship. I agree that marrying too young is a huge cause of divorce. When my dad was my age he was in the hospital delivery room watching my brother be born! Although he was not his biological father, he became his father at that point. My mom was 19 when my brother was born. My parents didn't get married until my mom was pregnant with me. So at that time my dad was 19 and my mom 21. They were both young, way too young. Neither of them regret having us but still I know they wish to have waited and I think it would have been better for their marriage had they of waited. You're right I am young, while I may be mature I lack something I can only gain with age which is experience and wisdom. My gut feeling is that if I was ready to get in a romantic relationship I wouldn't have come running to this forum for advice. One thing that I seriously am worried about though in the future and you also pointed out is how a good relationship really is supposed to be. As you said, I haven't really had a good example from my parents. I don't know how to put God into the relationship. I don't know what a good marriage looks like. My past romantic relationships have been complete failures because they were purely physical. Since I started talking more about my past I've noticed just how awful those relationships where. I decided months ago that I wouldn't worry myself over such things and just stay out of romantic relationships althought temporarily since I don't know how to carry on a proper relationship yet. I don't know what went wrong in my head. I know in my head that getting into a relationship would be so wrong. More so for whoever I am with than myself. I am unstable at the moment and so many other things are wrong. You've made a lot of valid points spazlegs. Thank so much for reminding me of them.

secretshadows.

 

[Johnnz]

A good relationship can be very healing and affirming. But not just any relationship. You must decide about th eguy from what you understand is your capacity to manage a close relationship.

Our relationship with God is not based on a punishment for doing wrong, reward for doing right basis. That's a kind of magical thinking, where we pull the strings is some way to determine how that relationship will pan out. It is to be based on an unchangeable commitment by God to love us because that's what Jesus achieved for us. That's what grace is all about.

You really are a very sensible, thoughtful woman. You are doing well.

John
NZ

 

[spazlegs]

Well our relationship of Him being God, and Holy and Righteous, and Sovereign and us being His favored children never changes. Just as your relationship with your niece never changes.

You want you niece to learn to obey her mommy and daddy so that they can keep her safe. You know such stuff as don't touch that hot stove door. So you use discipline and reward.

Our daddy in heaven does the same with us. He wants us to learn. He will reward us in heaven and He does reward us here on earth too. AND there is NOTHING wrong with wanting His favor and blessing.

And hey though I was 26 and she 25 when we married, we still weren't ready. Funny thing is, you never are ready, until you've been married for a good long time. Catch-22.

Keeping this guy as a friend and telling him, that though you would like to feel those wonderful feelings of boyfriend and girlfriend, but you don't know if you are stable in your heart enough is not wrong. If this guy is the right one for you, he will be disappointed, but he will stick with you. So in a way you can think of this as a test for you and for him. And if you two don't move on, niether of you have lost, you still have a strong friendship.

You need to find a strong couple in your church or join a life group that has such and observe and ask questions. Encourage this guy to do the same.

We didn't have strong models when we married, but with God's help we figured it out. And lots of good christian written books!

 

[secretshadows618]

I appreciate everyones input. Its nice to get some feed back

The guy that I have recently spoke about and I have talked again about everything. I explained some things to him and he understands completely why I cannot be in a romantic relationship right now. As I was warned, he was disappointed, but he also told me that he is will to stay be my side and wait till I'm ready to get romantically involved. He's really stuck on proving that I'm not always going to be broken. I'm greatful to call him a friend and its a relief to know that this is the way things will be. I'm okay with being single now, its what I need. I do realize that I do not need to be completely alone. I know that I need to surround myself with positive relationships, whether it be a mentor, or a friend.

There hasn't been much of a change in anything else... life is still the way it is. I'm talking to God more, which has given me more of a sense of peace that I used to have. I haven't done a whole lot of listening to him though. I've started reading the book of Job. Some parts of it hit home but I'm only 5 chapters in. I've got a lot more left to read. One of the things I want to do soon is read the entire Bible. That is something I have yet to do. I've read some books but not all of them. A way thats easier for me to talk to God is I have a journal that I write to him in. I do a whole lot of writing so I've got a million different journals. I have 3 main ones though. One that I write to God in. One for myself to write whatever I'm thinking and one that I write my poetry in. Oh I also have one that I write to my best friend in. Which usually every thing I think goes into it but not always. That journal is kind of like a diary that talks back. She and I write our own stuff and reply to what the other has written. It helps us stay close even when our schedules get busy humm... Today I am happy. This weekend we have my niece here. Shes so adorable! I tried getting pictures on here a few days ago of her but it wouldn't work I love showing off pictures of her! but anyways, I'm done taking up your time with pointless ramblings. I'm off to catch some shut eye.

secretshadows

 

[Johnnz]

One issue you probably face is that your view of your sexuality, guys and your self image were seriously undermined by the years of molestation. You did not have a good foundation upon which to healthily establish sound sexual concepts once your teenage years were under way. That can operate as a real barrier for some women against developing good relationships with guys. Romance and bad sex are so intertwined that any intimacy is not welcomed.

But you are obviously a very sensible young woman who has put into place some very good things to help you work at life. Well done.

John
NZ

 

[secretshadows618]

One issue you probably face is that your view of your sexuality, guys and your self image were seriously undermined by the years of molestation. You did not have a good foundation upon which to healthily establish sound sexual concepts once your teenage years were under way. That can operate as a real barrier for some women against developing good relationships with guys. Romance and bad sex are so intertwined that any intimacy is not welcomed.

But you are obviously a very sensible young woman who has put into place some very good things to help you work at life. Well done.

John
NZ

There was a short period of time when I questioned my sexuality, but that was very brief. During that time I learned a lot about myself. I was able to recognize the different types of caring. I think a lot of girls my age have issues seeing where the line is between a friendship and a romantic relationship. Often times they over step that line when they shouldn't. Now I can see that "line" better and know whats best to do to keep from taking things past that point. Something else I realized is that even if I were to be happy with that different lifestyle I would never be as happy as I could possibly be had I stayed attracted to the opposite sex. I know quite a few people who are either bi-sexual or homosexual and I till them all the time that they may be happy now, but they could be a lot happier later on.

Today I am happy, last night my mom and I talked about me going to kentucky next month and she agreed to it. So the sunday after christmas I'm flying in to surprise my friend. I'm very excited. Also I was talking to my best friend today and she may be driving to Georgia to pick up her sister to bring her back to Texas for Christmas. She's asked me to come along with her so we can have a road trip which is exciting. I'm not sure what my mom will think about it but I'll be a traveling fool next month.

I feel kind of bad. I think you guys have only seen the depressed side of me. Most of the time when I jump on here to update you all on everything, I'm normally pretty down. I can promise you guys even though on the inside I pretty much feel like this I'm not always that way. I can be happy. When I look deep into myself I can see how sad and depressed I am, but I do know that sulking and staying that way won't get me anywhere. I find things to be happy about, like my niece! If I get things to look forward to, like my vacations or turning 18 (221 days away )

The biggest reason for my happiness today is it is day 100 of not cutting myself. I haven't been happy with many accomplishments I've made in that area but today I am. Its been hard work getting here. My best friend texted me this morning celebrating how far I made it. I think today I am proud of myself.

Thanks everyone whos stuck by me during this, your prayers and words have made a huge difference

secretshadows

 

[secretshadows618]

So today I come with a heavy heart. Last night was challenging, to no one elses fault but my own. The basic story is that my brother and I got into a full on fist fight out in my drive way. Let me explain because I can tell you now it won't be for the reasons you are expecting.

My neice, the most beautiful girl in the world, has been constantly coming to us with awful diaper rashes. Her parents neglecting to give her the changing she needs. This hasn't just happened a few times. Its been an on-going thing. Well, last night it was so bad that when we put the usual medicated cream on her she started screaming bloody murder, something shes never done before. This angered me greatly, but my mother and I just quickly cleaned her up and instead used another type of cream that we have used on her before and she reacted in the same way. My little 13 month old niece was in so much pain. We had to pin her arms down so she didn't scratch herself and hurt herself even more. I went outside already shaking with anger where my brother was standing with a friend and I got in his face. Tempers flared and the argument got physical. I started it all. I will admit that. I'm not going to sit here and condone my actions. I reacted childishly. Reacting with violence is so not the way to handle things. Fighting with him out on the front yard brought back to many memories. Way more than I cared to ever remember. At one point he had me pinned to the ground to keep me from punching him even more. (He had an already forming black eye and a bloody nose. I had a busted lip) Having me pinned down on the ground was the major flash back for me. I thought back to all the times I fought back against him when I was younger, and failed This time was different for me though, back then I was fighting for me. This time I didn't have the same fire burning in me to win. This time I was fighting for my niece. Saying and doing what she could not. With a quick prayer to God, I used what muscles I could to flip him off of me. I did what I couldn't do in the past, I fought him and off and I won. After I made him fly off of me my uncle came running out the door and broke us apart.

Even though that fight was childish, stupid, etc... I feel like it was a breaking point for me. I don't feel like I'm bound to my past like I used to. People on here and those in real life have told me that God made me a new. My life is forever changed. Well, now I really feel that. I realize that I'm not the same scared little kid I used to be. While that is still a part of me, it doesn't define me. On top of the many emotions it changed in me, the altercation also led to a lot of tension and changes at home. My brother packed his things and left. He's upset and hurt with the things my mother and I said to him. She did not take my side but she didn't defend him either and that hurt his feelings. But tonight, I'm in a mellowish mood. I've got a lot on my mind. Sort of recalculating my thinking.

I've always feel attached and bound to my past. I felt like it defined me. Constantly I tell those around me that they don't want me, that I'm nothing more than a huge broken heap. I know you all and everyone else has been trying to tell me this for a long time but I'm not completely broken and I can be fixed. I'm not defined by my past hurts. I basically preach to the kids I work with that they can choose their own paths, that its up to them who they become and who they are, and to let absolutly nothing and no one tell them otherwise. Its about time I start listening to my own advice.

That fight may have been good for my brother. Rumor has it that he's been looking for a job. Something he hasn't been doing. Although now he doesn't have a choice since he has no place to live anymore. My brother is 21 years old now. Its time he became a man and took responsibility for himself and his daughter.

So thats where I am tonight. I've got more going on in my head but I can't exactly put it into words yet.

secretshadows

 

[Johnnz]

Quite a time wasn't it! But you saw something different. It's sometimes real hard to get our heads around the fact that our past has been dealt with - we are buried with him in baptism, I your are a new creation. I am crucified with Christ, the life I now live I live by the power of teh Son of God - are just a few scriptures that tell us that.

But because past events are held within our memories and emotions we tend to give greater credence to them instead of recognising the new basis from which we are to see ourselves.

But you are getting there.

John
NZ