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I'm finally facing it...

myanchor

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Well, good news and bad news. I thank God for both. I thank Him for the good because it shows He is making your stronger. The bad, well because it is an opportunity for us to give encouragement to you and for Him to come to you.

Sometimes with garbage the only thing you can do is take the trash out one bag at a time and deal with it one day and sometimes minute by minute.

I'm not saying this is exactly the way your dad is, but he may be trying to emotionally distance himself in order to not set himself up for disappointment. I gather from your situation your mom and dad are at least separated if not divorced.
Are you homeschooled because you acted out at school, or because your mom is trying to keep you from bad influences, or is she just really controlling?

I'm praying for you girl.
 
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secretshadows618

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John - The dreams have had somewhat of a pattern. Usually I relive the first time anything happened to me as a little kid. Over and over I keep seeing my dad close mine and my brothers bedroom door and my brother making me stay quiet and do as he said. See, my brother and I had to share a room because we had two other uncles living with us at that time. My parents thought nothing of it and put us in the same room. After that my dream switches over to the first time my neighbor molested me. If its not the dream of the first times then its an even worse dream... Its me dreaming that I'm hurting some other kid in the same way. That was the dreams that would cause me to go hurt myself. I know I will never EVER hurt a child the way I have been hurt but for some reason I keep dreaming that I do. I wake up from those dreams covered in vomit and sweat. Its awful and I hate it. Although those dreams don't happen as often anymore... I still have them occasionally. Then there is a third dream that will sound odd to a lot of people but I've had dreams where demons attack me... I know that sounds crazy but I have them a lot and usually end up just me getting the crap beaten out of me. Those come in a variety of different ways but those I feel lasting affects from and even wake up to find bruises and scrapes on my body that weren't there before I went to sleep.

myanchor- my parents are legally seperated and have been for 5 going on 6 years. So my dad pays child support and what not just they are still legally married. As for me being homeschooled. I withdrew from public school in feburary. The original plan was to help take care of my niece who was 4 months old at the time. But long story short... it didn't work out that way. There were a lot of other perks and reasons to leave but I was pretty well behaved in public school. My grades weren't excellent but that was only because I never did my homework and would just ace the tests to pass the class. I did all that was expected of me and never really did all that I could. As for bad influences... that was never my moms worry. Being homeschooled was my choice and something I put a whole lot of effort into winning my parents over into accepting.
 
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myanchor

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Ooh, that some interesting things you are talking about there, dear one.
I know about the threat the worthless dirtbags can use against you especially when you are really young and they are about 50% bigger and stronger than you.
I never really had dreams where I was doing the abuse, but I did have them where I couldn't stop others from doing evil to children. Really vague now, can't remember too much. I was quite reactionary with my first two, and hypervigilant to keep it from happening to them. Finally, and it was a big struggle, I was able to let go, and start let my son go to his buddies house around a few corners and a few blocks away. And you know what the dog told me recently? He said he and a girl down that way got together (yeah, that way) when they were both 14. Oh well, at least he wasn't molested you know? As for the dreams where you are being attacked and you show up with bruises the next day, I would wonder if you did it during your flailing about or it actually was you being attacked by demonic forces. I will pray for you specifically in that area nonetheless.

You are definitely a very smart individual, you slacker you. I already knew it from your posts, but to pass only because you ace the tests. Hmmm....

I kind of wish you had stayed in school, then you would have counselors at school to help you. But then again with so many pervs out there who prey on the weak and disposessed in schools you might have been a target.

Thank you for sharing some more of your story. It helps us target our prayers for you.

Lest you think you are the only one who has problems still, you can look over in marriage where I discuss the problems my dear wife and I still have with depression and its effects. And we are 51 and 50 respectively! Just remember, youngun, that God is with us in all of our bad times and our good, and it is just prep for what are to become in eternity.
 
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Johnnz

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Those are very real dreams. Not nice. It's not hard to see how they relive your horrible experiences, using elements from your past. It's quite likely the child being beaten up is you - an expression of the assault and horror you experienced.

Is your cutting more to relieve your pain, or to punish or deface yourself in some way, a kind of 'penance' or deeply held desire to not be attractive to your tormentors?

The last one can be demonic, but if you can quietly confess the authority of Jesus within you they should diminish. But they can also be deeply hurt, tormented and buried parts of you taking out their own anger and hurt on the only person available - you.

Feel free to PM me is there is anything you don't want to place on a public forum.

Bless you
John
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myanchor

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I second Johnnz thoughts. I will accept your PM's too. I invite them too. I wish I could wave a wand and make your living conditions better with your mom. I wish I could do more for you than be a sounding board, but don't think I could help that much in real life. And DW is hurting still from the garbage our oldest two did to her psyche,with their abusive behavior. They have ADHD and PMDD for the middle one but still they shouldn't have been so abusive. Nothing I did worked until we finally got them out of the house.
 
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secretshadows618

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Myanchor- I have thought about the bruises and scrapes being from me tossing and turning in my sleep during the dreams. Personally I think its both me and whatevers attacking me. My bed is kind of like a bunk bed but instead of a bed on the bottom is a futon. I have often fallen off the top bunk to the floor during my nightmares. Which obviously leaves me in a lot of pain but I myself can't cause the hand shaped bruises across my back or on my arms. I've found perfect hand shaped bruises all across my body. I don't bruise easily. It takes a lot for a bruise to form.

Staying in school I don't think would have done me too much good. The counselors would be forced to tell my mother anything I say to them and then once again CPS (child protective services) will once again get involved in my life. I really don't want to deal with them on top of everything.

I don't feel like I'm the only one that is dealing with all of this. I have spoken to a lot of people who have dealt with a lot of things that I have. I know I'm not the only one and I have some close friends that continue to remind me of that.... but still I feel incredibly lonely. I've shut myself off from everyone. I feel like I have to do this alone and I don't know why. I don't understand why I feel that way. The second I step out and try to let people in, its like I go to war with myself. Something holds me back. I don't understand why. I don't get why I can't just smash my walls and allow people in. I want to... I'm tired of being alone but I don't know how.

Being my sounding board is good enough and feels like almost too much of me to ask of someone. Don't worry about not being able to do more for me because being my sounding board is a pretty big job in its self.

Gawron- Thank you. If you have anything you want to say to me you can post it here or PM it to me. I'm a bit slow to reply because I'm not on the internet every day but I will read it eventually.

Johnnz- The cutting is mainly a release. I get so stressed and angry but it temporarily goes away with causing myself pain. Although as sick as it is I prefer to draw blood because I can visibly see a release. It has been 39 days since I have cut myself and I plan to continue adding to that. I don't want to start that back at 0 again. It was a lot of work to just get it this high.

The thing about the demonic dreams is I can never see my attacker. I feel them physically though, hear their voice and sense an evil presence but just as I do when I am awake calling on God isn't the first thing I do. I fight on my own. Like I said earlier I wake up and find bruises on my body. Half of them could be from me but I know I couldn't make some of the dark hand print bruises across my stomach or back. There have been occasions where I have dreams of tight chains holding me back and I have awoken to see bruises in the design of a chain all over my body. I'm pretty convinced that this is one of the ways satan is keeping a hold on me. He's toying with me because he knows my fears and weaknesses.

Everyone- Right now life is still difficult. I've said it before that I have a lot going for me. As proof of that I got a job! I'm working as a tutor for the school district in the town I live in. Which is amazing because I'm making 10 dollars an hour. Money is real tight in my family so now I can help out financially but I'm being catious about that. Most of that money is going into my bank account that neither of my parents have access to. I'll spend my money on my basic needs so my mother doesn't have to worry about it such as food, clothes, etc. I'm not wanting to hand over full checks to my mom or even just money to her because I don't want it to go towards any of her habits. Especially the drinking habit. Something that has been nagging at me that I think I may get in touble for posting... wait never mind. I'd rather not chance it. Moving on... I'm finding it difficult to do daily activities. All I want to do is hide in my room and sleep. My depression scares me a bit with the thoughts that go through my head. Its like I'm a different person because I know those thoughts aren't me. I want out of this hole I'm in. I want to be able to reach out to people, to God. I want to let them all in. I'm tired of doing this alone but I can't. I don't know whats stopping me. I don't know why it is. I'm forcing myself to continue through the day. I'm forcing myself to be more than this withdrawn person but I'm growing tired of trying so hard. I hate being so depressed. Its dragging people down and causing them to worry. Sorry for ranting agian. Thanks for reading. Hope all is going well for everyone.

secretshadows.
 
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Johnnz

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I don't feel like I'm the only one that is dealing with all of this. I have spoken to a lot of people who have dealt with a lot of things that I have. I know I'm not the only one and I have some close friends that continue to remind me of that.... but still I feel incredibly lonely. I've shut myself off from everyone. I feel like I have to do this alone and I don't know why. I don't understand why I feel that way. The second I step out and try to let people in, its like I go to war with myself. Something holds me back. I don't understand why. I don't get why I can't just smash my walls and allow people in. I want to... I'm tired of being alone but I don't know how.

Johnnz- The cutting is mainly a release. I get so stressed and angry but it temporarily goes away with causing myself pain. Although as sick as it is I prefer to draw blood because I can visibly see a release. It has been 39 days since I have cut myself and I plan to continue adding to that. I don't want to start that back at 0 again. It was a lot of work to just get it this high.

The thing about the demonic dreams is I can never see my attacker. I feel them physically though, hear their voice and sense an evil presence but just as I do when I am awake calling on God isn't the first thing I do. I fight on my own. Like I said earlier I wake up and find bruises on my body. Half of them could be from me but I know I couldn't make some of the dark hand print bruises across my stomach or back. There have been occasions where I have dreams of tight chains holding me back and I have awoken to see bruises in the design of a chain all over my body. I'm pretty convinced that this is one of the ways satan is keeping a hold on me. He's toying with me because he knows my fears and weaknesses. secretshadows.

You are a great young woman

Abuse most often leads to personal isolation for several reasons - unworthiness, fear, habit after holding it in for so long, not wanting further rejection. So, don't beat up on yourself because you are a bit of a loner. But don't accept that as a permanent condition either.

Any demonic forces will latch onto your negativity about yourself. The key to ending their hold is to be confident in the life and authority of Jesus the Lord of all other powers, spiritual and earthly. Darkness feeds off and exploits our self doubts - you are too weak, you are not good enough etc. That's untrue of course, as it is Jesus, not us who can deal with them.

If you can get your head around the confidence you can have in Jesus and His willingness to act on your behalf, then maybe several of us can sort of co-ordinate over one day and really pray about that?

Bless you
John
 
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secretshadows618

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You are a great young woman

Thank you, I find it pretty hard to accept compliments. I don't exactly see the good everyone else sees.

Abuse most often leads to personal isolation for several reasons - unworthiness, fear, habit after holding it in for so long, not wanting further rejection. So, don't beat up on yourself because you are a bit of a loner. But don't accept that as a permanent condition either.
The unworthiness is definetly me. I have some majore selfworth issues. I never really thought of fear holding me back but I guess in a way it does. I don't fear closeness I just fear losing people I care about. I do everything to take care of those I love and protect them. My best friend calls it 'body gaurd syndrome' as a joke. :) The weird thing about this withdrawn personality is that normally I'm an extremly outgoing person. I used to love being around people but now not so much... I don't plan on keeping up this withdrawn personality. I'll crack the mask I made eventually :)

Any demonic forces will latch onto your negativity about yourself. The key to ending their hold is to be confident in the life and authority of Jesus the Lord of all other powers, spiritual and earthly. Darkness feeds off and exploits our self doubts - you are too weak, you are not good enough etc. That's untrue of course, as it is Jesus, not us who can deal with them.

I've known all along that the answer to everything was to not just fall on my knees crying out to God but fall on my face. I know He's the answer to everything. I know if I were to put this in His hands He would take care of it. Last summer my relationship with God was excellent but last summer I had been ignoring the most horrible thing that had happened to me. I did everything to block it out of my memory. I lied and faked a happy face so much I even fooled myself. But over the school year God was convicting me of some things. Telling me that Him and I could be closer if I would just hand over everything to Him. I guess I got angry at Him for even asking me to open up that old wound. I wanted to forget about it completely. To live as if it never happened. God had a different plan. I may have reacted badly towards where he was leading me but his conviction planted something in my heart that wouldn't go away so in Janurary I finally for the first time ever confided my secret in my best friend. I guess part of me is angry with God still. Even though I know it was for the best and I know there was a reason for not only my horrible past but also God getting me to open up about it. My relationship with God is strained but only by my own stubbornness and choice.

If you can get your head around the confidence you can have in Jesus and His willingness to act on your behalf, then maybe several of us can sort of co-ordinate over one day and really pray about that?

That sounds like a plan. I'm working on gaining confidence...


Thank you for taking the time to check up on me and reply to my posts. :)


Secretshadows
 
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myanchor

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Secretshadows, I tell you the truth, I wish I could swap the daughter I had when she was your age for you. You are smart and you've been funny. You don't seem to have been violent toward your mother or dad as my daughter has been to us. She once picked up a six foot metal pole that was un-needed when I combined two racks and struck me with it, aiming toward my right side ribs. I put my arm in front of it, and moved my arm so all I got was a bruise instead of a break and wrapped my arm around it and pulled it out of her hands. Then another time she attacked her mom when he mom took the cell phone from her (we paid for it!) and I had to get in between them and hold her on the floor without hurting her. For that she got arrested. She went to court and her stinkin' lawyer said he was concerned about her safety. This is the girl who told us that if we kept trying to stop her from having her 'fun' she would someday come into our bedroom at night and use a knife on us. CPS got involved for her safety. (!!!???!!) I despise the idiots at CPS. So I do know how you feel about them.

About the hand prints on your back, I can think of three things that could cause them, and they are not in any specific order of my believing their likelihood. 1. someone coming in your room while you are deeply asleep (hynpotized maybe?) and striking you. 2. Autosuggestion (hypnosis) has been shown to cause marks to appear without a seeming cause. 3. Demonic action.

I will pray for your protection, physically, emotionally and spiritually during your dreams and during your waking life. God can give you the ability to selfdirect your dreams and give you the ability to realize that it is a dream is the first step. I will pray for that.
 
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secretshadows618

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Myanchor - Wow... your daughter definately has respect issues. I have never and will never be physically violent towards even of my parents. In the arguments that I've had with my mother things have gotten violent on her end but no matter how angry she has made me I walk away. Now I'm not going to make myself out to be the good person in those arguments. I had done my fair share of things to get my mother angry. But I always fought with my words. Respect is a major thing to me. I treat anyone and everyone with respect. To me it is majorly disrespectful to even raise a hand to a parent (or any adult) much less hit them. Now of course in the act of self defense thats completely different. CPS as an organization have great goals and great ideals but the people running it just flat out stink. lol. Too many times they are ripping apart families that deserve and need to stay together instead of actually helping the kids who need to be taken out of where they are. CPS, like many other systems, is flawed.

As for your first theory about the dreams I live with my mother and yes the very brother who abused me but my mother is not physically abusive. Normally by the time I go to sleep she has already passed out from her nightly drunken stupor. As for my brother, he hasn't touched me in years. I could just be being niave but I don't think he would walk into my room and beat me in my sleep. I would like to think if that was happening I would wake up... but I dunno. Anything is possible really. Your second suggestion refering to hypnosis. I haven't ever considered that. Who would hypnotise me? I love my family but none of them are really that smart and I don't think they even know how to hypnotise someone. I myself am ignorant to anything that has to do with hypnosis. As for the demonic forces that seems the most likely thing to me but like I've said, anything is possible. I'm not going to sit here and say I believe its just one single thing because I don't know anything for sure.

Thank you for your prayers. They are greatly appreciated. Its comforting to know people are praying for me and my well-being.

secretshadows.
 
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myanchor

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Yeah, she's on her own now at 18 and learning life isn't all the fun and games she thought it would be. It is so peaceful at out house now with just one child at home and she is a loving little girl. Sometimes she has her tantrums but a timeout in the corner take care of that.
 
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Johnnz

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a) Thank you, I find it pretty hard to accept compliments. I don't exactly see the good everyone else sees.


b)The unworthiness is definetly me. I have some majore selfworth issues. I never really thought of fear holding me back but I guess in a way it does. I don't fear closeness I just fear losing people I care about. I do everything to take care of those I love and protect them. My best friend calls it 'body gaurd syndrome' as a joke. :) The weird thing about this withdrawn personality is that normally I'm an extremly outgoing person. I used to love being around people but now not so much... I don't plan on keeping up this withdrawn personality. I'll crack the mask I made eventually :)

c) I've known all along that the answer to everything was to not just fall on my knees crying out to God but fall on my face. I know He's the answer to everything. I know if I were to put this in His hands He would take care of it. Last summer my relationship with God was excellent but last summer I had been ignoring the most horrible thing that had happened to me. I did everything to block it out of my memory. I lied and faked a happy face so much I even fooled myself. But over the school year God was convicting me of some things. Telling me that Him and I could be closer if I would just hand over everything to Him. I guess I got angry at Him for even asking me to open up that old wound. I wanted to forget about it completely. To live as if it never happened. God had a different plan. I may have reacted badly towards where he was leading me but his conviction planted something in my heart that wouldn't go away so in Janurary I finally for the first time ever confided my secret in my best friend. I guess part of me is angry with God still. Even though I know it was for the best and I know there was a reason for not only my horrible past but also God getting me to open up about it. My relationship with God is strained but only by my own stubbornness and choice.

That sounds like a plan. I'm working on gaining confidence...

Thank you for taking the time to check up on me and reply to my posts. :)
Secretshadows

Hi again. Some quick comments

re a) That's why you find it so hard to accept that God loves and accepts you too. You are pretty waterproof when it come to accepting something good about yourself. You can do that by changing your response. Instead of brushing it off, allow yourself to accept it. Say "Thank you" to the person.

re b) Abuse undermined your sense of self worth - that happens to most abused people. Here you must foocus on the fact that God does not see you negatively. You can think like and abused person or you can think from God's perspective. It's the latter that will allow changes in your life.

re c) You have the wrong end of the stick. It's God's hold on you that is important. It's not a matter of falling flat on your face. Instead, you should be snuggling into His embrace of you. He is your friend, your Saviour, your life, your comfort, etc, etc

Here is another verse.

Col 3:3 For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.


Two questions.


i) What does "you died" mean?


ii) What does the second part mean?


John
NZ
 
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secretshadows618

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Hi again. Some quick comments

re a) That's why you find it so hard to accept that God loves and accepts you too. You are pretty waterproof when it come to accepting something good about yourself. You can do that by changing your response. Instead of brushing it off, allow yourself to accept it. Say "Thank you" to the person.

re b) Abuse undermined your sense of self worth - that happens to most abused people. Here you must foocus on the fact that God does not see you negatively. You can think like and abused person or you can think from God's perspective. It's the latter that will allow changes in your life.

re c) You have the wrong end of the stick. It's God's hold on you that is important. It's not a matter of falling flat on your face. Instead, you should be snuggling into His embrace of you. He is your friend, your Saviour, your life, your comfort, etc, etc

Here is another verse.

Col 3:3 For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.


Two questions.


i) What does "you died" mean?


ii) What does the second part mean?


John
NZ

John-

I feel weird accepting something like that if I don't believe it. I know its rude not to accept a compliment but I still feel weird accepting it so I'll work on it :)

For your first question: It means dying unto myself. Humbling myself. Handing over ever single aspect of my life to God.

Second Question: I'm just taking a stab at this one... I think it means that Christ is living in me, so my life before being a believer doesn't matter. I guess not really that it doesn't matter but more that Christ has taken care of it. Most of the time we think that its just the sins he washes away but he wants to take away the hurt too but just like we had to hand over our sins to Him, we have to give him all our pain too.

Both of those I was kind of guessing but I think thats right. I don't think that there really is a wrong answer but I'm sure there was a specific point you were getting at.
 
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Johnnz

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John-

I feel weird accepting something like that if I don't believe it. I know its rude not to accept a compliment but I still feel weird accepting it so I'll work on it :)

For your first question: It means dying unto myself. Humbling myself. Handing over ever single aspect of my life to God.

Second Question: I'm just taking a stab at this one... I think it means that Christ is living in me, so my life before being a believer doesn't matter. I guess not really that it doesn't matter but more that Christ has taken care of it. Most of the time we think that its just the sins he washes away but he wants to take away the hurt too but just like we had to hand over our sins to Him, we have to give him all our pain too.

Both of those I was kind of guessing but I think thats right. I don't think that there really is a wrong answer but I'm sure there was a specific point you were getting at.

Hi,

Great that you will work on accepting compliments. It will feel odd for a while, but persevere. And say "thank you" when someone does give you one.

1st Part. No, it doesn't mean that. What it does mean that in His death Jesus took upon Himself all the wrongs you have done and all the wrongs done to you and buried them. Your old life has gone. Sure, memories and reactions of those horrible events remain, but healing from those canbegin when you begin to live out of the fact that Jesus has identified with what you went through and taken it upon Himself.

2nd Part After taking your old life Jesus now gives you His resurrection life that completely envelopes you. You now have the eternal life of the Trinity within and around you. God sees you through the perfection of Jesus. Jesus is your high priest, offering your life, your prayers, your worship, your struggles to His Father on your behalf,making them His own prayers.

Real change comes about when you start living out of that understanding. Your way of thinking changes. You stop believing the negative stuff about yourself (useless, dirty, hopeless, not good enough etc) and start living out of who you are in Christ, a beloved daughter, having Christ's purity as a gift, always loved and valued.

Ponder this for a bit and let it begin to sink in. Once that perspective is in place to some extent we can look at some specifics and work through those.

Bless you. I enjoy and appreciate your honesty and courage.

John
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myanchor

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And one more thing sweetie, when people give you a compliment (those who are sincere and not working you) they are giving their honest opinion of you. To say no, that isn't true, is sort of spitting in their face and telling them they are stupid.

I tell my wife all the time I think her legs are fantastic, and I love them. I'm not going to say anymore about that other than she finally believes me.

God loves you totally without reason, He is crazy about you. Yes, you.
 
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secretshadows618

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Heres kind of an update with whats going on: I'm still feeling down. I haven't felt this depressed in years. Its weighing me down. I'm counting down the days till i turn 18 and can leave (which is 268 days). Something that I was afraid to say before was that I'm wanting to die. Now please mods and everyone else hear me when I say this is not a suicide threat. I do not want to kill myself nor do I plan on it. But I find myself wishing that some freak accident would happen and things would end. Is wanting to die as bad as suicide itself? I haven't voiced those feelings to anyone because I don't want to scare anyone. I hate admitting that though. Its a conflicting emotion though. I don't want to miss the few good things I have. Like the time I can spend with my best friend and watching my niece grow up. I do have joys in my life. Besides even if I was suicidal I wouldn't be able to go through with it. Too many people rely on me. I could never hurt those close to me in that way. I just wish these thoughts would go away. I keep telling myself things will get better, that I'll be out of my mothers house soon enough. But its not working out that way. I got rejected by this hospital that was going to give me some medical attention I needed because I was too old to be admitted there. Money is beyond tight in our house and I still haven't started my new job. My relationship with my both my parents is beyond strained at the moment. I rarely see my best friend and another amazingly close friend is depressed too and I'm trying to cheer her up but I can't find it in me anymore to do it. Every day I feel on the verge of tears. I go to my room or the bathroom and curl up in a ball to cry multiple times a day. I'm suffering in silence and no one seems to see it. I'm broken, completely shattered on the inside. I want someone to come just hold me and pick up the pieces. I've been crying out to God but its not enough. I'm not doing everything I can to get better to get on the right track. I'm constantly told by my own-self and people at home I'm worthless, and selfish. It makes me feel like I should change but i don't know what or how to. I wish there was a way for me to just get up and walk away from everything but thats not possible. I'm starting to think things will never get better and they'll always be the same.

John - I don't really have the words to reply to you right now but I am not ignoring what you told me. I'm still letting them sink in.

Myanchor - Its going to take me more time to believe that God is crazy about me. I know that He's there but... I dunno... its just going to take some time for me to believe it.


Oh and by the way everyone. There are good things happening. My niece took her first steps while with me the other day. I have never cried tears of joy until that little girl came into my life. Shes amazing. God taught me a powerful lesson about love when it came to her. I never realized exactly how powerful love itself or how much a person could love. I also learned that love is a double edge sword for me. Its my greatest strength but also my greatest weakness, but thats a whole different conversation in itself. I was talking to my mom during one of our civil conversation and its been decided that I will start college next semester! Thats excellent news seeing as no one in my family has ever been to college. I have a lot of good things going for me. Just the previous rant above is me struggling with whether or not the good out weighs the bad. Things are hard, but I know that life isn't easy. I've always known that. What I don't know or understand is why I can't accept that now.

Thanks as always for dealing with my rediculously long post but I'd like to add one more thing that I'm excited about. It has been 52 days since I have cut myself. I cannot express to you how insanely diffcult it has been but thats where I'm at and no matter how depressed I get, I plan to keep it that way.

secretshadows
 
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Johnnz

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Bless you for that update. Life is indeed hard for you right now. With all that's going on in your family plus you facing up to your abuse here will be extremely unsettling. Your feelings are very understandable. God still has all His dreams for you. Just getting there is going to be rough for a while longer though.

Keep in touch with us. You are being very brave. And you are so obviously quite a special young woman.

John
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myanchor

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So, you are feeling like you want to leave all this behind. You want to go to heaven and be with Jesus who you believe loves you. (HE DOES!) You want the pain you keep enduring to end. You want to go home, because what you have now doesn't feel like home, it feels like a battlefield. Have I got that right? If so, then don't feel like you are the only one who ever feels or felt that way. Don't think you are weird or kooky or some other nasty thing someone decides to throw at you.

You have a bad case of homesickness. You want to be with God, in the place He has prepared for you. Even Paul felt this way, remember he said for me to die is gain? You are not alone.

You do have from what you have said, a miserable situation. Your mom likes the bottle, your dad is distant. How could that not affect your self esteem and how could it not make you feel worth less than you actually are. Your parents don't seem to want to have much to do with you, nor do they take care of you. Well, I think your parents are wrong, but like my parents they are probably doing pretty much the best they can with their brokenness and how they are selfishly wrapped up in their own things.

You deserve better. We all deserve, simply by being born, to have parents who love us and who do not have broken places in themselves. We are created in God's own image. But alas, there is that matter of the fall. We are born broken. We are tripartite (sp?) beings of body,soul and spirit, but we are born with a dead spirit that does not know God. We are crippled. Only God can make our spirits alive by using all of Himself, in Christ, to make it live by that substitution on the Cross. He gives us the Holy Spirit, again all of Himself, to enliven our spirit. We are only complete in Him, little sister.

You have accepted Christ, you have the Holy Spirit. You have us who don't know your name, but who are praying for you. You have your intelligence to help you work on your self talk. You have God Himself, who is looking out for you and who is doing a work in you that will be wondrous. Would I be able to be compassionate if I had not been hurt deeply and then shown compassion? I strongly doubt it. Would I be able to relate to anything you are going through without my own pain that God helped me through? No. I couldn't relate, because I didn't experience it myself. But I have and so, I can understand a good deal of your pain. Not all, since I am not you, nor female. But, I can understand some.

Dear little sister, my daughter is now going through some painful times of having to make the rent, of buying food, of trying to make it on her own because she wouldn't listen to us. So we had to let her go. She had to learn it on her own. I hurt for her, and pray for her, but she is one who doesn't learn except by experience. My own son, whom I love deeply, I've had to tell, you won't get any more help from me because he continues to be manipulative, deceitful, and generally narcississtic. I told him so, and of course in his narcississm, he said I'm a jerk. (Not what he actually said, but you get the idea). He is not above using force to get his way. I'm praying about all of that, and I trust God to do in His Sovereignty what needs to be done. But I also know that He limits himself, because He has given us the great gift of free will.

You do deserve better, and God will give you great rewards for trusting Him now. You do have your brothers and sisters in Christ praying for you, and God will act for your good. I know this, because He has done so for me. It took a while, as I see it, but God knows exactly when and how to help you. Don't give up on Him, He isn't giving up on you. And don't give up on you, you are a treasure beyond worth because you are His child, and you are bought by God Himself in Christ.
 
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