I'm finally facing it...

[myanchor]

GREAT choices about dating. I was a little concerned you think you need that right now and you do not. Not for some time. You need to heal first. And let me tell ya, some christian guys are just as bad as non-christians. Because they are babies or they are carnal.

If you were the only one needing salvation, Jesus would still have died to give it to you. Just for you. Remember his parable about the 99 sheep and the one lost one? Just think of it, God Himself (read jn 1:1 and 1:14) took off his power and glory and became one of us, and died as a subtitution for us. For my sins, for your sins.

I heard something on the radio, I like to listen to christian talk radio, if someone compliments you, you are essentially insulting them if you don't accept it. They see it and they have that opinion, so you are sort of spitting in their face by not accepting their compliment. That isn't how they said, it but that is how I paraphrase it and think of it.

And finally you can only look outward from your two eyes and would have no idea what you look like without a mirror. Well, let your friends be your mirror as to the good qualities you possess. Besides when you feel down and bad about your self, your self mirror is cracked, hazed, spotted and generally unreliable.

 

[secretshadows618]

So group yesterday didn't go as I would have liked. It was very draining. We had a great lesson and great discussion but when it came time for me to talk everything that always happens happened. I clammed up, I shut down. I lost control over myself. I couldn't even bring myself to say "I pass" I was too afraid of losing my lunch. It was awful. I was able to finally excuse myself to the bathroom and what had been day 10 of not hurting myself became day 0. I was so frustrated with myself. I really wanted to tell everyone. Our leader even asked what was on my mind and wanted me to share. Everyone wanted me to open up. I wish they knew how badly I did. I couldn't bring myself to. I feel like I've let them down. So many people open up in our group. So many of them have had awful and horrible things happen to them and they are able to share about it. I feel like they deserve to know what happened to me since they are sharing with me what happened to them.

But yesterday wasn't a complete waste. A friend of mine who I am growing very close to continued talking to me through out the day and checking up on me through text messaging. Well everyone in the group was checking on me but she was more persistant. She backed off when I said I didn't want to talk about what was on my mind but continued to talk to me about other stuff and when the time came that she asked if I would talk about it now I opened up. All of it was through text message but I told her. She deserved to know. I learned something that I didn't know before. She was sending me a constant flow of encouragement and finally told me that she honestly wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me. I never realized the impact I had on her. It was a good feeling to hear that but in the mood I was in I grew aggravated by how highly she thinks of me. I know that sounds odd... but thats how it was.

Right now I'm still not sure what I'm thinking. My heads still racing. Its going to take another day or so to calm down completely.

 

[Criada]

Sweetie, you didn't let anyone down!
I went to group therapy 3 of 4 times before I could open my mouth... it is scary and hard to begin with. But you can get a lot from listening to others, and eventually it will feel safe enough to share. Walking into a roomfull of strangers and sharing your most painful and secret memories isn't easy, and it takes time. Everyone else will have had a 'first time' too, and they will understand what you are feeling.
You were very brave to make the first step and go along.. so give yourself credit for that!
Praying for you

 

[secretshadows618]

Sweetie, you didn't let anyone down!
I went to group therapy 3 of 4 times before I could open my mouth... it is scary and hard to begin with. But you can get a lot from listening to others, and eventually it will feel safe enough to share. Walking into a roomfull of strangers and sharing your most painful and secret memories isn't easy, and it takes time. Everyone else will have had a 'first time' too, and they will understand what you are feeling.
You were very brave to make the first step and go along.. so give yourself credit for that!
Praying for you

This was the 7th or 8th meeting I've been too. My leader keeps trying to assure me that its a safe place there and that I can trust them but I don't think trust is the issue. I just can't talk about it. Even the people I trust the most I haven't verbally talked about what was bugging me. I just did it through writing. I feel like I physically can't talk about it. But yesterday I felt so close to my breaking point. I was literally shaking and on the verge of tears. Oh thats another thing about me. Crying is something I just don't do in front of people. My best friend is actually offended by the fact that she has never seen me cry in the 7 or 8 years we've known each other. So tearing up in front of people was just not the normal for me. I don't want people to see me as weak so I refuse to cry. But back to my breaking point. I don't want to completely lose it in front of anyone. I don't want to completely collapse like I know I will when it comes out. I don't want people to see my crumble but I know my time is coming soon. I'm barely holding myself together. I'm ready for this to be over and I know it will be by just talking but I can't do it. I have to say it out loud and I can't. I don't understand why I can't. I don't get whats holding me back. It frustrates me and angers me.

 

[Criada]

That is hard.. I know I wrote about stuff here and in a blog for a long time before actually speaking about it.
You'll get there, sweetie... don't worry about 'collapsing', no one will think badly of you for that!

 

[myanchor]

Well dear girl when the flood gates do open, and you scream, cry and dissolve in a puddle on the floor, after it is over you WILL feel better. It is like lancing a boil in the old days, it hurts a lot but once that pus comes out, you feel so much better. Having people who know you and love see you at that time, and they still love you, oh man that's good! I blog at myanchorofhope.blogspt.com. I'm relatively anonymour there and here. No one knows my full name and only a few know my first name. It's pretty safe. DW, when she was depressed and in the hospital journalled because they told her too. There's a blog section on here that you could use too.

When it all comes out, you won't die, you actually will live better than before.

And eventually sweetie, you will be able to help others and you'll be able to have such a twisted sense of humor you will be able to laugh at stuff again. But I still don't get Monty Python.

 

[secretshadows618]

That is hard.. I know I wrote about stuff here and in a blog for a long time before actually speaking about it.
You'll get there, sweetie... don't worry about 'collapsing', no one will think badly of you for that!

I feel like a coward for not verbalizing everything. I just don't want peoples view of me to change once they see me collapse. They'll see the vulnerable side of me. They will see past the mask I've held on to for so long and see that all I am is a broken mess... that bothers me a bit.

Well dear girl when the flood gates do open, and you scream, cry and dissolve in a puddle on the floor, after it is over you WILL feel better. It is like lancing a boil in the old days, it hurts a lot but once that pus comes out, you feel so much better. Having people who know you and love see you at that time, and they still love you, oh man that's good! I blog at myanchorofhope.blogspt.com. I'm relatively anonymour there and here. No one knows my full name and only a few know my first name. It's pretty safe. DW, when she was depressed and in the hospital journalled because they told her too. There's a blog section on here that you could use too.

When it all comes out, you won't die, you actually will live better than before.

And eventually sweetie, you will be able to help others and you'll be able to have such a twisted sense of humor you will be able to laugh at stuff again. But I still don't get Monty Python.

I know the crying is ineviatble. I'll have deal with it whether I want to or now. As for feeling better afterwards I'm not sure. Everyone keeps saying that I will but for some reason I doubt it. I do have a journal that I write in occasionally. And my best friend and I have a neat thing where we write to each other in notebooks and we switch them every week or so. We don't get to see eachother or talk to each other as often as we'd like so we write to each other at the times we can't talk or when somethings we want to say we don't feel comfortable saying out loud. The best way I can describe it is its like a diary that talks back. So writing is something I enjoy and something I do daily. Its just... sometimes its even hard to write about. There was a time when I would get so stressed out and sick from just writing and thinking about it. So I know things are getting better slowly cuz I can write without getting too stressed... or at least its at a managable level now.


Now something that I've been thinking about. I really am getting sick of me holding back so much. I'm tired of me being so afraid. Fear is not something I'm used to giving into. Anything else I've dealt with in life I've just shot through it because I chose not to be afriad. I don't understand why I can't be like I was before. I'm tired of being a coward. So next thursday I'm not backing down again. I'm not going back into my hole and hiding. There is no point in fighting to hold on to this secret anymore. I can't let it run my life. I've been allowing myself to be the victim... I don't want to be the victim anymore. Its time I start acting like a survivor.

What happened to me was horrible but that doens't mean I need to let it stop me. I know I can't rush things. I know all of this is going to take time but it takes action as well. I can't just sit and watch my wounds bleed. I need to slap on a band aid and get moving!

I spoke to my best friend I told her to not allow me to back down again. I told her to stay on my butt about talking. I don't need to stay quiet anymore. Staying quiet lets them win. I'm not going to let that happen. I'm going to come out of this victorious. There is a war raging in me. I've lost most of the battles but I will win the war.

Where this sudden burst of optmism, and hopefullness came from I'm not entirely sure but its definately a God thing.

 

[Johnnz]

You are not a coward. You are sitting on a lot of horrible stuff that you have buried for a long time. Don't beat up on yourself. Just continue attending that very supportive group. You will get there.

Bless you
John
NZ

 

[myanchor]

Oh boy, are you in for a great and wonderful surprise little sis. When you do open up and you do cry in front of safe people, the power this garbage has over you will be broken. It won't ever be totally gone, but it will become way more manageable. And no I don't mean it won't try to steal over you again and you won't feel almost as bad at times, because that may happen, but you will be better for it.

Congratulations on your resolve. It is your time.

 

[secretshadows618]

Johnnz-

thanks for what you had to say. I will continue to go to this group. There are only 6 or so meetings left because this group only last 13 weeks. I've made life long friends there so I'm always gonna have people to talk to even when this is over.

myanchor-

I understand that opening up is going to make me feel better but I just can't believe it. But that doesn't matter because I'm going to do it anyway. Despite the fear and the nervousness, I'm going to do it.

 

[myanchor]

Yah, I know sometimes we get a really good surprise out of things. I remember when I was in what was known as Rat training at my college I had to rappel down a cliff on this skinny little rope. I saw the other guys doing it, but my hands and feet were still sweating up a storm and I know my pits were sending out fear pheromones. I was trying to stand up and not lean back on the rope and trust to it. But the instructors kept at me till I did. It held and rappelling was fun! I went back up and did it again.

Our Lord will hold you up, and the Holy Spirit will be there in you as you release the flood gates.

If you don't trust me when I say this, Trust God to be there and to help you when you confess the hurts, the shame, the unreasonable guilt, and deal with the vile ugliness of what has happened to you. Believe that God will take this schtuff and make it into manure that will help flowers bloom in your heart.

 

[secretshadows618]

So i backed off of sharing at group. Which I'm not disappointed in myself for. I listened to my leader repeat the rules of the group and she had phrased something differently this time, she had never said it this way before. She said "If someone shares that they are being abused or have been abused by law I have to report it." She has never added the "have been" into that before or I haven't listened closely enough. I cannot share if she has to report this to CPS. I already knew I wouldn't be able to share that it had been my brother who abused me because I still live with him. I can understand my leader having to report that even though its all over but its still considered a threat but I was under them impression that I could share about just being abused and not giving details without dragging CPS in. Getting CPS (child protective services) involved I think would cause way too much trouble. I don't want to have any trouble because of it.

Now I still do have my resolve. I'm not backing out of talking. Verbalizing everything is really the next step I need to take. I'm going to be spending a lot of time with my best friend away from other people and listening ears that don't need to hear it. So I'm gonna talk things out with her. Just saying it aloud is what I really need right now and its suprisingly difficult even though my best friend already knows everything.

So things are still crazy but I've had a lot of good things come my way lately. Things are looking up. Gods showing me that even though he's shaking my world and turning it upside down He's still taking care of me... even if I don't want His help.

I've been having intense nightmares about my past. Its haunting me. They get worse the more I think about talking about it aloud. I've woken up in tears so many nights an in fear every night for the past two weeks and its getting worse. Its making things so hard on me. I'm terrified to sleep and I'm useless during the day cuz I'm so exhausted. There have been nights where the dreams have stressed me out bad enough to make me hurt myself again.

I'm in a constant fight. Every day I'm fighting to smile, to be happy, to fight the memories and the thoughts. I'm at war. Its tiring but I can tell that its more so with satan that I'm fighting than myself. I've worked through and struggled with a lot but never have I felt the fight between God and satan over me be so strong and noticeable. The thing that I'm taking comfort in right now is I already know I'm on the winning side. No matter what happens.


secretshadows

 

[Johnnz]

Your dreams are reflecting your growing awareness of the need to talk. Things that have been pushed down are beginning to surface, and so you dream.

John
NZ

 

[myanchor]

You know something SS, you are amazing. I'm glad you have the friend whom you can talk to, and I'm glad you are posting here. You know a zit gets bigger and bigger and more and more tender until it pops? Then you fell so much better? Well that is what is happening here. You are going to have the pus drain out soon and then the deeper parts of you will be able to heal.

 

[secretshadows618]

Johnnz -

Yeah I realize this. I just am out of sorts because aside from hurting myself sleep used to be my one escape. Now I can't even hide in my dreams. Its frustrating and probably just one more thing to push me to verbalizing everything

Myanchor -

You seem to have some pretty disgusting analogies! lol but in a twisted way they make me smile. They are definately ones that stick!

 

[Criada]

Praying that you will be able to talk to your friend soon, sweetie.

 

[myanchor]

Yah, I know I do make some analogies that make you go yuck. But truth be told I'm intentional about it. What was done to you is vile and evil and no amount of spin can make it anything but that. Just like no amount of makeup can deal with a really nasty zit. Besides you are a teenager and you know about how zits can be. So I use that analogy for you so that you can relate.

An infected sore in the flesh or soul will not heal properly until the covering skin that is healthy but is preventing true healing is excised. With burn patients they often have to scrub off healthy skin with the scarring sking to allow really healthy skin to grow. Sometimes later revision of the scars have to happen where the scar is removed and healthy skin grow in it's place. It hurts but boy is it worth it to have healthy skin.

DW, when she had her gallbladder removed had to have a drain put in so that any infection that was left inside could come out and the healing could come from the inside out.

Heck I've heard preachers talking about how things from your past can poision your present and that the boil needs to be lanced.

You will heal sweetie, just so long as you stay close to God and talk with Him about things. And yes He loves you to talk to Him. Even when it is a 'high volume' discussion. Even when all you can do is groan, the Holy Spirit speaks for you.

 

[myanchor]

Has anyone heard how this youngun is doing? She hasn't been on since the 24th. Is she okay?

 

[secretshadows618]

Hey myanchor! No worries, I'm okay. Well that depends on your definition of okay. I have hardly been on the past month and if I have its just been long enough to read some PMs and what others have posted. I no longer have internet access in my home so my internet useage is very limited.

I'll be blunt right now things in my life suck. I never did get around to verbalizing everything yet. I've realized lately I've just been shoving the thoughts out of my mind. Living as if no one knows my secret. Living as if it never happened. Well... trying to at least. And I know thats wrong. Thats not what I need. I need to get past this. I need to own up to my past hurts and let it go. Instead I lock it up inside because thats my comfort zone. My home life is insane and chaotic. Not really sure how else to describe it. Living with my mother isn't working out for me so well. Her and I are constantly arguing. I'm dealing with some hurt of feeling like my dad doesn't love me. Now my best friend and I aren't seeing each other nearly as much as we used to due to some recent events and arguments between my mother and I. So I feel like I'm missing my other half. My group that I was going to on thursdays is no longer meeting anymore. Once the school year started the meetings stopped. I'm not sure if I'm happy about that or not.

There are some positive things going on though. I have not cut myself In 31 days. August 1st was the last time. Although during this past month I had a minor break down and intentially burnt myself. That was a one time thing at least I hope it is. My nightmares don't affect me like they did before. I still have them but I can manage. They aren't causing me to have a mental break down. I've started my school work which is great because it gives me the distraction I need. I'm doing really well and plan to graduate a whole month earlier than planned.

I have a lot going for me at the moment, I know I do. The thing is I have a lot thats going against me to. I just don't know if my good can out weigh the bad. I want so badly to be out on my mothers house on my own and fixing my life. I feel like the only way to fix things with my mom is to put space between us. I just don't know much of anything right now. Right now I'm just existing. I know I'm not relying on God anywhere near as much as I should and thats part of my problem. I feel like I'm drowning in my depression and I have no clue how to get out. I'm just taking each day as it comes but every day is a struggle. I'm ready for some peace in my life. Just a little rest and a little happiness. Is that selfish? To want something for me for a change? I spend so much time and energy into taking care of those I love and care about I'm tired.

Wow... this is too much of a rant. I'm alive, I'm breathing, I'm fighting but close to giving up. I don't know what tomorrow holds but I sure do hope God will give me a break sometime soon.

secretshadows.

 

[Johnnz]

Sometimes time away from a parent can be beneficial. Unnecessary conflict will not help you.

The aloneness amidst pain is really hard. It can overwhelm some people and actually push them away from dealing with the past. Dealing with tough times brings back a lot of suppressed stuff, and once that genie gets out of the bottle it can seem really dark for a while. That's where caring support is just soooo helpful.

Glad you have your head down with your study. That will have long term benefits for you.

Dreams. Can you recognise any recurring themes in them? Feel free to PM if you don't want to share them openly here.

Bless you
John
NZ