I'm back, have some questions (possibly triggering)

[HopingForJesus]

I haven't been on the site for awhile. I have a question regarding my particular issues with OCD, blasphemy,etc.
Do any of you have such thoughts and feel like maybe perhaps you are testing God as part of your ocd? It is so hard for me to explain this. I really need to get to the bottom of this. My mind started first with negative thoughts about God and also cursing at him when I was just a little kid. I wonder if somehow my mind is trying to test God to see if he loves me or will toss me out. It still has its roots in the OCD and I do get unwanted thoughts. But, I feel as if some of these things are still my own fault and that maybe I have some ocd dealing with punishment and if the thoughts are more like compulsions because of the fear I have of eternal punishment, God not being real, God hating me, etc. I hope I have made some sense here. I have a long road to go still. I hope you all are doing well.
Peace

 

[127.0.0.1]

Hate is antithetical to God's nature. God never casts anyone out, or sends anyone away. No exceptions, not one, ever.

God desires us beyond measure. When we die, all will be with Him, no exception, not one, ever.

 

[HopingForJesus]

Thank you Command0182
I sure hope you are right. I have so many thoughts on all this it is bound to drive me crazy. I have got to find a way to get control of this. I have been giving it up to God, but I still am fearful. I am fearful that I am repentent only because of fear. I feel like I cannot trust myself at all. What if I was born bad? Why does my mind flirt with danger and say bad things? I am confused. I want to have a better relationship with Jesus, but I feel like I am not good enough and that this doubt is ruining everything even though I keep trying to push it aside. I don't want to be a bad person and I do not want to be condemned either. I feel like this is somehow part of my nature and because these thoughts are my own that I am responsible for them.
I feel like there is a part of me that is taunting me and at the same time taunting God. Almost like I am waiting to be judged. Almost like there is no hope.
I want to be able to love God with all my heart and soul.
I want to be good. I don't want to suffer. I want to be less self-absorbed and selfish.
I don't want fear to be the only driving force. I guess I am pretty messed up.
Peace and hope you can all find what you are looking for

 

[127.0.0.1]

God desires and craves all of mankind. God never created anything appointing to hate it. A Greek Orthodox Priest (pretty sure he's Greek) once said to me, "We do not do good for fear of threats and condemnation, we do good because we love God! The incentive is that we are called to become 'lil gods!" God will never hate you. If God does not hate Hitler, Stalin or Nero, then surely He does not hate you either.

I really must apologize though, theology is not my strong point.
For a better understanding, read this:
The River of Fire

Trust me, it'll make you feel a lot better.

 

[HopingForJesus]

I just wish I understood why I am like this. I am tired of the things going round and round in my head. I just need to be near him and far far away from fear. That is what has held me captive. I need to be held captive for and by Christ.

 

[Jayangel81]

I just wish I understood why I am like this. I am tired of the things going round and round in my head. I just need to be near him and far far away from fear. That is what has held me captive. I need to be held captive for and by Christ.

You are held captive and in bondage by fear. Pick up a copy of Victory over the Darkness,Bondage Breakers and Set Free. By neil T Anderson.

He will lead you to the steps to Freedom in Christ. It is to be gone through with Him. Some people go through it with their pastors also.