I'm a widow

[Pinkwaterlily]

I'm a widow, it has been three years since my late husband left our earthly world. I'm having a hard time letting go, so is my pre-teen. He often is angry at me that his dad's not here with us. Since I took care of him at home while he was sick my son saw to much, yet doesn't seem to understand about the cancer. I was wondering if anyone had any advice, or what helped them out during these times. How does one start putting their lives back and move on? And let go? My son can't even stand for a man to say "Hi" to me, he gets upset and feels like I don't love his dad any more if I say "Hi" back. Thanks for reading this and any advice that's given, I'll be very grateful. Thank you.

 

[pegatha]

Pinkwaterlilly,

I'm very sorry for your loss. I don't claim to have the answers you're looking for, but I can't help wondering a couple of things. First, is there anyone your son can vent to and get support from, like a youth pastor, a school counselor, or a professional therapist? Is there an uncle or grandpa who can become a surrogate father? This is just too big a burden for a kid to bear alone. (I know you're trying to bear it with him, but I'm talking about someone who's not so close to the situation.) Second, are you dating or thinking of dating? I realize I'm treading on touchy ground here, but if you're interested in dating, would you be willing to put that on hold till your son is much older and feeling more secure? One of my relatives also lost her husband much too young, and her little boy is still angry and struggling all these years later, so I think your son's reaction is probably pretty typical. But if you've done all you can to reassure him and it doesn't seem to be working, it may be time to get some outside help. My heart just goes out to you both. ((hugs))

 

[Pinkwaterlily]

Hello pegatha,
Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. The school counselor has only talked to him once. He hasn't seem any of his father's side of the family since the day of his father's funeral. They are mad over money issues. It's just us, he has an older sister to talk to and he see's my parents sometimes. I'm not interesting in dating, right now I want what's best for my son and his happiness means everything. I've talked with him about us both going and talking to a counselor, but he just does not feel it's for him at this moment. Thanks for listening.

 

[BeanMak]

Pink, go to the counselor yourself then! get an ally, a sounding board. Even if your son won't go. Maybe he will in a bit, if he knows it will make you happy. I am SO sorry to hear that your in-laws aren't supportive. I am thankful to God that wasn't an issue for me. I thought that it would be a bad idea to date when the boys were still in high school. I had men friends, but nothing "date" like. I kept the kids involved in my life, including my friends.
I know for me the second and third year were the HARDEST. Much harder than the first year after his death. In that one, I just tried to keep things going, and didn't have time to think. To be honest, it will be 9 years in May, and I still will have a little cry, missing him and a bit sad for missing the life we would have had.

We have an awesome God; he will hold you in the hollow of his hand through all of this. I REALLY encourage you to get him hooked up with a good youth group. He is feeling SOOOO alone right now- like no one else he knows right now.

 

[Velcro]

I was widowed in 1968, when my husband was killed in an accident, leaving me with a 5- and a 2-year-old. I have no concept of what you have gone through, losing him after a long illness, not of rearing children who were that old at their father's death, but I know this: It took me a while to get over it, too.

One of the mistakes I made was telling my children that I had no interest in any other men, so when I began dating my husband nine years later, they were completely unprepared.

Peg said to get counseling. Do. If you can't afford it, read every book you can get your hands on, especially in dealing with your son. And journal, journal, journal. Journalling is very healing.

 

[perfection]

The choise of the son is important. If your son (and i may add here that 'guys' absolutely not are as willing to accept 'strange' new objects in their lives as 'girls' do) doesn't accept a new 'daddy' then it's just not going to work out.

What you have to do is to put him on a chair , sit down in the bench and have a talk with him. Something in the terms of that 'mommy' thinks it's important that you have a 'daddy' and that you know he doesn't always like the new daddy, and that there won't be a new daddy if he really doesn't want too, but that 'mommy' is feeling really lonely now that daddy is gone, and because daddy is in heaven and not coming back, your son must understand that it is important for 'mommy' and him to have a new daddy in the house, because mommy needs the money to support the house, and that he doesn't want mommy to be lonely now does he?

You should say this to him, if you say this a couple of times to him, it will sink in. But do remain carefull though, this boys heart goes out to his original dad. Who he loves a lot, but it has to be manouvred so and so that he has to understand that things won't be entirely the same, but that you are doing all that is possible to make your son happy.

 

[Pinkwaterlily]

Thanks everyone for the prayers, kind words, advice, and your on personal stories. I appreciate it so much, and it helps alot. Thank you to all.

 

[Msbabedoll]

Gosh, first let me say i'm sorry. Second, I am also a widow. I was widowed at 32 years old. My husband was murdered. My daughter was 11 at the time and our son had just turned one.

I remarried in January of this year. I am lucky that God placed a wonderful man in my life and so soon after too! I was having a hard time dealing with being alone since i had married James when i was 16. My daughter had a hard time with it though. LIke your son she'd get mad. Though I dont think i had as hard a time with her as it sounds you would have with your son. I just talked to her and tried to help her understand that daddy was gone. I loved him just like she did very much, but that it wasn't fair for her to want me to be alone the rest of my life. When she went off to college did she want me to be left there all alone? No she didn't. I also took her (and she still goes) to a therapist. That was the biggest help, to both of us!!

I do hope that your pain begins to get better. It is not easy loosing a husband. I always talked about James and I growing old together. That never got to happen, but you better believe he'll have those rocking chairs waiting on me when I get to heaven!!

 

[MaddiesDad]

praying for the above people,this is a hard reality and I cant imagine how you deal with single parenting.Jesus watches all your efforts,Im praying right now for all of you.Please find support with others that have been through the same.Healing Blessings to all of you,Im so sorry.. Jason