I have many questions and burdens and I really need to reach out to someone. I don't go to church for personal reasons I'll discuss in my post. I'll do my best to provide as many details as I can as to why I feel this way and hopefully find some answers.
I guess I'll start with my current state before I get into specifics - some background: I feel no peace. I feel utterly empty and hopeless. I've addicted to Ativan and I've been on and off different types of Benzos and anti-depressants, I just don't have peace and it's a horrible feeling to want to die, but be too afraid of death. You're stuck in limbo. Every single day I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate who I am. I live in a constant state of paranoia and fear, sometimes I don't even like leaving the house. It makes it impossible to hold a job.
I was a very devoted Christian when I was a little boy. I was raised by my grandparents in a Baptist home. I was baptized when I was in 5th grade and accepted Christ as my savior in church officially at this time. I felt very warm and extreme happiness. I remember that feeling, even though I haven't felt it in a long time. I wanted to go to church every time the doors were open, I read my bible - but I was always afraid. I came across passages of Hell and damnation and then finally the unforgivable sin of blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. I can't tell you how many times I cried in absolute terror and fear. It drove my grandparents crazy. I was never able to relax. I was a kid, so maybe I didn't understand or I wasn't ready for what I read. I don't know what the reason was. It seems like I was in constant war inside my head - constantly telling myself things and talking to myself. Not in a schizophrenic kind of way, but just talking to myself. For example, I would read a passage about blasphemy and how it's not forgiven and then I would freak out and repeatedly repeat to myself I haven't done it, or I would have "bad thoughts" and think that I did it. Then I would go into hysterics. It's hard to describe but I'm trying. I was only a kid.
As my teenage years came, I became more angry - anti-social outcast from school and bullied. I didn't have the best relationship with my parents. My mother abandoned me when I was little and my father didn't really raise me or have much to do with me growing up outside of criticisms.
I turned to music and felt at peace. I abandoned Christ when I was a teenager and the strangest thing is, I wont lie, I felt like a prisoner that had been released from chains. I lived as an Atheist and I was extremely angry against God. I blasphemed him, burned my old bible... anything horrible you can say about God, I probably said it. I don't say that with pride, but I say it because it is a fact. When I was 17, I almost died from alcohol poisoning. The impending dread I felt and the realization when I thought I was dying made me come back to God... but I didn't feel the same peace I did. It felt empty.
I tried to go back to church to seek help, but it was different. I was basically told I was going to Hell, which obviously led to extreme hysteria and depression. I felt like there was no escape - there was no salvation. I was dead already. I wanted to die but didn't want to kill myself because I knew it would just speed up what already awaited me. I really was wrong for what I did and I'm so sorry and I hate it happened... but now that it has happened, I don't know what to do. I can't change the past, as much as I pray and wish I could.
Well, I'm now a man of 26 and I can't live like this anymore. I struggle daily with life and I'm honestly not happy at all. I can't sleep, I can't focus or function. I just feel dead inside. So I had some questions and I hope you can answer them or at least give me peace.
How can the blasphemy of the Holy Spirit not be forgiven? I thought Christ's sacrifice on the cross was sufficient enough that his blood covered all sins when you became a Christian... why can't He forgive this if you are truly repentant? I've had people tell me that this since is just the rejection and hardening of your heart against Christ, but if that is so, why does the passage in Luke say "speaketh" it gives a specific definition... and if this is true, then that means the sacrifice is void for me because you can commit this sin. Why would Jesus even go to the cross if every sin couldn't be forgiven... Why would he create man, knowing the fall would take place. Why would there even be a Hell, a place of excruciating torment and pain... why not just die into nothingness if they are not children of God?
I mean no disrespect to God, please believe me... but why would God, if He is all knowing, create someone that He already knows is damned to Hell? Why would He even allow me to be born if He knew I was going to Hell when I died? I don't feel a God of love in my heart at the moment, but I feel like a condemned prisoner about to go before a judge that already knows the sentence that will be carried out... It's the most bleak and hopeless feeling imaginable. I felt like my time as a Christian is absolute torment inside - a conflict I can't win.
I cry as I type because I really do want peace and forgiveness from God, but I don't feel it. I feel empty and conflicted with this problem that no one can seem to help me. I decided to turn to this forum for guidance... I need help bad. Desperately. I want God's forgiveness. I don't want to die and go to Hell. What can I do?
Please explain this sin to me and why it says "speaketh" if it's just constant rejection against the will of the Holy Spirit. And if so, why isn't Christ's sacrifice sufficient enough to cover this sin... Please answer my questions and give me peace. I know I'm asking a lot but I need guidance and help from a man who studies the Bible - a man of God.
You have no idea how tormented I am. Please help me.
Thank you.