I'm a mess. Need advice.

[jenelis]

I don't even know where to begin.

I loathe my ex. He's such a thoughtless, conceited, arogant, uncaring jerk. I can't even phathom that I married him. I took him back to court for non-compliance-- refusing to take daughter to extracurricular functions, not being at home for child pickup, frequent cancellation of contact or trying to change things last minute, etc. the judge read him the riot act-- siding with me on every issue I brought forward. Since this time, he's worse than ever... and we're still waiting for the papers from the court to come. Seems clear to me that I need to take him back already. Then on Thursday I get notification from the court that both he and I missed an appearance (that neither one of us knew about and that the judge indicated was not going to take place for us). They site needing a new financial affidavit from me <-- which I filed on June 2-- the day after my daughter and I returned from a trip to Hawaii.

Back to ex--Summer schedule dictates 1/2 with each. I asked him for his date suggestions. He had no input. I made a schedule suggestion. he said fine. He emailed me a different schedule-- essentially swapping two weeks and asked me if that was the schedule. i said no, but if you are trying to swap those two weeks, let me know. it's probably fine---I heard nada!

So tonite starts the first day of the first of those two weeks. He shows, carries off my daughter whose hysterically crying that she wants to stay with me. I called her and diffused the situation a bit. She seemed okay, but some of her comments were VERY troubling. See they promised to get her ears pierced for her birthday and then took it away from her saying she was bad. I personally would never take a present like that away for "being bad." She came home upset that she didn't get a present for her birthday. i told her that i'd take her when she gets back from his house this time (maybe i shouldn't have done that????)

Then tonight I get an email from "The Ex" saying that the schedule which I dictated (remember now, I suggested and he agreed) "steals" his holiday (4 of July) and he will be keeping daughter for that day. I am *told* to pick her up on the 4th at 6:00PM. <-- bty, since he's 1 hour from my home, that doesn't leave much time to get to a fireworks show-- so ???? does she just miss the fireworks? I'd rather her actually get to observe fireworks than be travelling because *daddy* feels like creating a problem. Since he moved 1 hour away, the judge ordered him to provide transportation and he's since then refused to do so.

I was telling my mom this situation and she got on me for waiting until I got back from Hawaii to file the affidavit! I literally had one day from the court appearnace date to the day we flew out for Hawaii. I had 500 things to do at work to even go on the trip-- and didn't feel right about leaving an hour early the day before 2 weeks off to run personal errands--so I waited until I got back to file the paperwork. I feel that I did the best job I could given the circumstance. So mom starts getting on to me and I just lost it... yelling this paragraph at her. She hung up on me.

So... where do I go from here???

My daughter needs a therapist, my ex needs an attitude adjustment and i'm having trouble holding my life together. <-- can't see keyboard through the tears. Where did I go so wrong?

I'm not apologizing to my mom either. I work my butt off to provide an ideal life for my daughter. I don't feel it was fair to criticize me and I'm mad that she'd even imply this is my fault. I can't beleive she hung up on me. That's never happened before.

So do I take my daughter to see a therapist?

Nice ramblings!

 

[Rhoni10]

First of all do you have an attorney that you can get advise from on this? I'd try to find one that specializes in family practice. Also they can probably refer your daughter to talk to someone to see how she is coping with it all. I'm sure the sessions wouldn't hurt. You won't be able to change your ex's behaviour but hopefully you can get some things legally set. I wish you the best.

 

[madison1101]

I don't even know where to begin.

I loathe my ex. He's such a thoughtless, conceited, arogant, uncaring jerk. I can't even phathom that I married him. I took him back to court for non-compliance-- refusing to take daughter to extracurricular functions, not being at home for child pickup, frequent cancellation of contact or trying to change things last minute, etc. the judge read him the riot act-- siding with me on every issue I brought forward. Since this time, he's worse than ever... and we're still waiting for the papers from the court to come. Seems clear to me that I need to take him back already. Then on Thursday I get notification from the court that both he and I missed an appearance (that neither one of us knew about and that the judge indicated was not going to take place for us). They site needing a new financial affidavit from me <-- which I filed on June 2-- the day after my daughter and I returned from a trip to Hawaii.

Back to ex--Summer schedule dictates 1/2 with each. I asked him for his date suggestions. He had no input. I made a schedule suggestion. he said fine. He emailed me a different schedule-- essentially swapping two weeks and asked me if that was the schedule. i said no, but if you are trying to swap those two weeks, let me know. it's probably fine---I heard nada!

So tonite starts the first day of the first of those two weeks. He shows, carries off my daughter whose hysterically crying that she wants to stay with me. I called her and diffused the situation a bit. She seemed okay, but some of her comments were VERY troubling. See they promised to get her ears pierced for her birthday and then took it away from her saying she was bad. I personally would never take a present like that away for "being bad." She came home upset that she didn't get a present for her birthday. i told her that i'd take her when she gets back from his house this time (maybe i shouldn't have done that????)

Then tonight I get an email from "The Ex" saying that the schedule which I dictated (remember now, I suggested and he agreed) "steals" his holiday (4 of July) and he will be keeping daughter for that day. I am *told* to pick her up on the 4th at 6:00PM. <-- bty, since he's 1 hour from my home, that doesn't leave much time to get to a fireworks show-- so ???? does she just miss the fireworks? I'd rather her actually get to observe fireworks than be travelling because *daddy* feels like creating a problem. Since he moved 1 hour away, the judge ordered him to provide transportation and he's since then refused to do so.

I was telling my mom this situation and she got on me for waiting until I got back from Hawaii to file the affidavit! I literally had one day from the court appearnace date to the day we flew out for Hawaii. I had 500 things to do at work to even go on the trip-- and didn't feel right about leaving an hour early the day before 2 weeks off to run personal errands--so I waited until I got back to file the paperwork. I feel that I did the best job I could given the circumstance. So mom starts getting on to me and I just lost it... yelling this paragraph at her. She hung up on me.

So... where do I go from here???

My daughter needs a therapist, my ex needs an attitude adjustment and i'm having trouble holding my life together. <-- can't see keyboard through the tears. Where did I go so wrong?

I'm not apologizing to my mom either. I work my butt off to provide an ideal life for my daughter. I don't feel it was fair to criticize me and I'm mad that she'd even imply this is my fault. I can't beleive she hung up on me. That's never happened before.

So do I take my daughter to see a therapist?

Nice ramblings!

Wow. You are dealing with a lot, and handling most of it rather well from what I can see. How old is your daughter? More than likely she would benefit from some type of therapy. Depending on her age, it may be best to do family therapy with you and her together, but a good therapist could advise you on that.

My suggestion is to make some phone calls. 1. To your lawyer to take the bum back to court of jerking you around with the summer schedule. 2. To a therapist, or your managed health care to see who could be a therapist if you have insurance. 3. Even if your mom was wrong in telling you you screwed up, you could apologize for yelling at her. I say this because I am a yeller and have had to apologize for my yelling, not my words, in many situations with my family. My words were usually correct, it was my volume and anger that were inappropriate.

Before you make there phone calls, stop and pray for the Holy Spirit to work in your life, your daughter's life and your ex's life. Pray for him to become a Godly father that your daughter needs. I pray that all the time for my ex. My kids need a Godly man to look up to. He isn't one right now. But I get along with him because our kids are all adults, PTL.

Praying for you now.
Trish

 

[Avaya]

I may sound like the devil's advocate here, so bear with me. One thing jumps to mind - July 4th. It's hardly dark by even 9 pm, so if you have to pick her up at 6 pm, I don't see the big deal. There's MORE than enough time to do fireworks. I see a daddy who has NO control here. Perhaps he's acting out in order to gain some control. You refer to 'they' so I'm assuming that he is remarried and that a lot of this is driven by his wife. BTW, I'm the wife to a similar daddy and I know that when he just bows to the ex's suggestion (summer visits for example), I do get ruffled because "I" had no input. Like most men, my husband and probably your ex, have NO idea what our summer plans are and can't possibly choose the best visitation dates. Just the mere fact that he agreed to your suggestion without asking his wife for her input is enough to set a wife off! LOLLOL It's a battle of wills. I honestly believe though that since she lives with you, then his visitation should be flexible and his (and his wife's) choosing. None of this means that he is NOT being a jerk about some things mind you - I do see that he probably is. I do have to point out though that you've cited him for not taking your daughter to extracurricular events. Well, he does live an hour away. Are YOU allowing your daughter to choose activities that wouldn't be a complete hardship on him regularly? I know it's not always fair to the kids, but if you make it all about the kids, boy oh boy are there going to be problems. There are two familys to consider, not just one little girl.

 

[donniewheeler]

Jenelis, I know this is frustrating and isnt fair to you but someone needs to be an anchor in your childs life. Pray, Pray, and oh yhea Pray as often about this as you can, wake up and start praying. I know in the fristration of you split you are hurt and mad at your X but take Jesus roll and do to him as you would want and it will work out in the long run. God bless you.

 

[jenelis]

Thank you Rhoni10, Madision111, Avaya and Donniewheeler for your responses. Now that its a week later-- I can think and see more clearly.

I think that my daughter should go and see a therpaist-- so long as its a well-respected one. She's been through alot, not just with the exhusband and it couldn't hurt just to talk and get out any frustrations.

Avaya - I can't say I agree with some of the things you say, but it gives me the perspective of the other side. I still know, though, that if you knew specifics in my case, your logical side would agree mostly with me. I don't overprogram my daughter-- not even close! She participates in a fall activity and a spring one-- so there's never more than one activity at a time and I only ask for maybe two weekends a year alternate plans. (jsut fyi.) You are 100% right on the 4th of July. Pickup at 6-- back in town 7:15ish-- plenty of time for fireworks at the shoreline. I just wanted to do it my way-- us on the boat watching from the water. And with the tralier and launching the boat and getting where we need to be-- it's not likely a good idea. BTW, we did the shoreline thing.

I know the answer is prayer. I ask for him to grow and for me to grow to be more understanding (because I am not). I believe more that we make our beds and must lay in them.

He was a mentally (and occasionally physically) abusive husband whose #1 thing was control. He still trys to control and I resist 500%.

I called my mom the next night and apologized. I explained that I did the best job I could. SHe apologized too. So all is well, I guess.

... and I'll likely call a therapist once I do some research.

Thanks you guys for your responses!

 

[bostonlass]

I know how difficult this can be. I'm so grateful that my situation is somewhat diffused and not really excitable stuff at all. We agreed in the beginning that he would see the kids every Wed overnight and every other weekend. My ex lives 45 minutes away and does all the traveling unless I'm able to. Actually his wife is the one who drives them here and there...he's rarely even around so it's ending up to be her visitation which is what gets my goat, but oh well.

I hear you on the mother thing too. My mom is still married to my dad and has no clue the stress and emotional pain that's involved. She told me in the beginning that had I not gained the 30 pounds that I did gain from my two daughters that perhaps he wouldn't have left me. I've learned to look at the source of such comments... a mom who is clueless sometimes. I just love her and ignore all the icky parts or I'd go nuts!!

Good luck!