If you wouldn't mind sharing with me.....

Blank123 · Jul 30, 2009

i've actually only dated one guy my whole life, and i didn't start dating until i was 21. there have been guys i've been interested before ian and guys who have been interested in me but either the interest wasn't reciprocated or it would have just been a bad match all around.

it takes time to find someone who is worth dating.

crishmael · Jul 30, 2009

smacarena said:
I'll just say that Michael Moore's treadmill sees more action than I do.

ZING!

deepgreen11 · Jul 30, 2009

I dated once and was engaged to him. It ended this past December. I really don't want to give 1000+ details, please.

Until now, I never would have considered dating...needed to heal and do a lot of growing. As of right now, I am not sure I would even date. I can tell you I won't date simply for the virtue of dating. I have said it so many times here people are probably getting tired of it, but I am a "Rebekah" waiting on my "Isaac". And I'm honestly not terribly concerned about being single at the moment.

The hardest part of ending my engagement, I will say, is that I really wanted to begin my family. (yes, I realize I am young) I loved him, chose to love him, with everything I had, and I was ready to enter married life with him. I was ready to be "a great wife". I was mentally preparing myself for it, and getting all those things in the mail you get when you begin planning a wedding. I had looked at some dresses. I had gotten some books from the Christian book store, like "Love Dare" and another one to help prepare us to be married. But nevertheless, the engagement ended. It was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do.
I've had to transition my thoughts to what they should have been the entire time--to be, through God, a great WOMAN. The best "me" I can be--without sweating it. It's taken a lot of time to even make some headway on learning that, but I have. And someday, I'll give the best of me and the rest of me to my "Isaac". Until then, I'm loving every minute of being a single lady.

Luther073082 · Jul 30, 2009

deepgreen11 said:
I dated once and was engaged to him. It ended this past December. I really don't want to give 1000+ details, please.

Until now, I never would have considered dating...needed to heal and do a lot of growing. As of right now, I am not sure I would even date. I can tell you I won't date simply for the virtue of dating. I have said it so many times here people are probably getting tired of it, but I am a "Rebekah" waiting on my "Isaac". And I'm honestly not terribly concerned about being single at the moment.

The hardest part of ending my engagement, I will say, is that I really wanted to begin my family. (yes, I realize I am young) I loved him, chose to love him, with everything I had, and I was ready to enter married life with him. I was ready to be "a great wife". I was mentally preparing myself for it, and getting all those things in the mail you get when you begin planning a wedding. I had looked at some dresses. I had gotten some books from the Christian book store, like "Love Dare" and another one to help prepare us to be married. But nevertheless, the engagement ended. It was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do.
I've had to transition my thoughts to what they should have been the entire time--to be, through God, a great WOMAN. The best "me" I can be--without sweating it. It's taken a lot of time to even make some headway on learning that, but I have. And someday, I'll give the best of me and the rest of me to my "Isaac". Until then, I'm loving every minute of being a single lady.

Really if it wasn't going to work then it wasn't going to work.

So at least you broke it off before you got married. And hopefully you also learned something through life experience as well.

It bothers me when people get married young because they have so little experience and are often completly unaware of it. Plus people under 20 have such a high rate of divorce that I think its a absolutly horrible idea to get married at that age no matter who you are.

deepgreen11 · Jul 30, 2009

Luther073082 said:
Really if it wasn't going to work then it wasn't going to work.

So at least you broke it off before you got married. And hopefully you also learned something through life experience as well.

It bothers me when people get married young because they have so little experience and are often completly unaware of it. Plus people under 20 have such a high rate of divorce that I think its a absolutly horrible idea to get married at that age no matter who you are.

yes, I understand this. I wasn't trying to say that my "focus was off so that's why it didn't work out". Again, I didn't give a million details. I can't. I was merely saying, that, following this relationship, I did learn to focus on the Lord. The biggest reason why it was painful was because I DID want to start my family, which is a big ambition of mine, always has been. When your heart is ready for a thing like that, and thinking that it is going to happen, and then it all ends, it is pretty painful. Just reiterating, because by your response, it seems as though you perceived that I was disillusioned or something.

Yes, I know 20 is so very young. But like I said, expectations and hopes are no match for age. And yes, I learned quite a bit.

mina · Jul 30, 2009

I never really dated growing up or in high school. I have always wanted to be a wife and mother, but i wasn't really worried about it. When i was in my late teens and early 20's I didn't want to date anyone. Then I met someone. And it was a good relationship for about 2 years. It really changed how i felt about dating and being open to love and working together within a relationship to make it work. It was a hard break up. I do struggle with singleness- not in the sense that I want to date everything that moves and I must always have a boyfriend. I just would like to find the right man for me. And I really want to have children and women have a timetable for that. I want to be able to get the choice to have children And I don't want to be having and raising babies in my 40's or even late 30's. I don't think that makes me less spiritual or less good than other people who don't want to get married and who are younger than me. I've been single for a long time, and i've lived life as a single content and independently following the Lord. But, I don't want to stay that way forever. Life changes and I want it to change for me. Everyone will feel differently about where they are and where they want to go in life, and it's important not to belittle what other people want for their life. I don't feel called to singleness and I love the concept of family. I'm not chomping at the bit to marry anyone and have kids, that is NOT what i'm saying AT ALL. I just want to know that it's possible for me and to enter into that with the right person. I think if you struggle with singleness, especially within the church, people think you are pathetic or it's your fault or you don't follow or trust God enough. And I think those are lies- they aren't true for everyone and they are pretty judgemental. I have a good life and I enjoy life, but I also think someone you love that loves you adds a lot more to enjoy and gives a lot of new experiences and areas for growth. I just never understand why admitting that upsets so many people. That's sad to me. I could see where it could be a problem if you are foaming at the mouth or depressed or something, but most people who are interested in meeting the right person aren't- some yes; all NO. I also think if you have experienced good love in a healthy relationship, you are able to recognize that it doesn't come easy, it doesn't come often, and it's worth having or making room for it in your life.
sorry for the length; I just had a lot to say and felt I needed to explain some things so i wouldn't be misunderstood.

lostaquarium · Jul 30, 2009

I've never seriously dated.

As a teenager, I had crushes on boys, and boys had crushes on me, but it was never mutual. One exception was a nice boy I met aged 16. We dated for a month, before I broke it off. Stupid reason.

In university, I was pre-occupied with some things in my personal life, and never really got on the social bandwagon. Plus, I had an illness which pulled me back 2 years, which made things worse because I'm reluctant to date anyone 2 years younger than me.

Now, my life's going quite well. I'm more confident and happy. I'm looking forward to studying in a new place next month, and hopefully I'll be able to find someone there.

Im_A · Jul 30, 2009

trularue said:
I know there are a lot of threads here that are just inane fun and I really like those threads, but I got to thinking that this is a singles section and I wanted to talk about something pertaining to us being single.

No doubt among the 500+ threads in this section this has already been discussed before (probably multiple times) and I know most of you already know each other so perhaps you know one another's history already. But humor me please?

It's about dating.

I am merely curious on everyone's background. Now growing up I never really dated. I flirted. Yes, I sure did love to flirt with guys, but that was basically all that ever came of it. It was fun and even when I would have crushes on boys (even in middle school) I never attempted to do anything about it because I was always well aware that soon the crush would wear off and so it seemed best to just flirt and let the crush go away without ever actually taking action on it. I remember watching my friends "go out" with boys for two weeks or sometimes only a week and then break up and I always thought. "What's the point?" lol

I began to learn about Jesus at the age of 14 but I wouldn't say that I actively lived for Him until the age of 16. Even so throughout that time I never had issues with "wanting" to date guys. This was something I never struggled with throughout high school. But then again I have always been....hmmm..quite avid about activities one does alone like reading and playing RPG video games (which are usually one player) I like to watch movies or TV shows solo (I think I find that watching something with someone else entails too many interruptions! lol) so these being my main habits I never really felt the need for companionship with the opposite sex.

I had my first "boyfriend" when I was 20 and dated him for about six months. He was my first kiss and everything and he was a wonderful guy. But things went further physically with him than I would have liked and the relationship dissolved because of it.

So basically I have not dated any other guy since then (so it's been about 4 years because I'll be 25 in september). Not even on one date.

It's not something I really struggle with. *shrugs* I remember being really eager to get married when I was like 18 and 19 years old but over the years I've mellowed and to be honest I think I have spent so much of my life without someone that I am just used to that, you know? In fact I think it is going to be a major adjustment when I do get around to sharing my life with a man. lol

I suppose there are girls who date one guy after the next after the next all throughout their teen years and they get used to that to the point where it is difficult for them to be single....to live without that companionship. Well I think I am the opposite! I love to flirt, to me it's fun and harmless....but I have never seen much of an appeal to dating because it seems like such a hassle. Haha. Maybe that sounds weird but again, I am not really used to relationships so I guess I don't have much of an opinion of being in one.

I guess I am just curious how everyone else stands with their "dating" background because to be honest I have a hard time relating to other Christian singles who lonely or quite eager to find their other half. I have no problem waiting patiently. It doesn't really bother me. Every once in a great while I will feel a ping of lonliness but I don't lie when I say this happens rarely.

I do not feel as though God has called me to be single but at the same time I am just not one who struggles with feeling lonely for a relationship. Yet I see that this is a common feeling among many single Christians. I was just curious if I am the only one with this type of background.

Sorry for the long winded post!

My dating history has ranged from short quick type of relationships to one engagement. Highschool, I dated one person. Then after that ended, I went through a time, several years to be honest of really going back and forth. Meaning I had at times a rush into several types of relationships and then others that were just there for the moment. Nothing too physical though so don't misunderstand that as me being around the block. I can count the number of people I have had sex with on one finger.
Then I met someone and moved across the continent for. That ended. Then I got engaged with someone in a LDR. That ended. How I view dating, relationships etc. has not changed since I went from being a believer, to not being a believer to considering coming back to the church. Maybe I have become a tad bit more conservative, but that has nothing to do with beliefs. That is based from my experiences, my failures that I committed to others, the failures that others done against me, my mistakes in general. It happens I suppose. You make enough mistakes, you begin to conserve .

So now? I can't say I am looking or that I am not looking. I am here. My life has taken a big turn for change this year. Moving away from the state I have always lived in and starting completely over. So when I meet someone that is interested in me, that accepts all about my life as it really is and not what she wants or hopes it to be, we'll have hopefully a great relationship.

trularue · Jul 30, 2009

There are several posts that I have intended on going back to respond at the end of reading them all, BUT after reading yours I really wanted to respond right away.

mina said:
I have a good life and I enjoy life, but I also think someone you love that loves you adds a lot more to enjoy and gives a lot of new experiences and areas for growth.

I completely agree.

mina said:
I just never understand why admitting that upsets so many people. That's sad to me. I could see where it could be a problem if you are foaming at the mouth or depressed or something, but most people who are interested in meeting the right person aren't- some yes; all NO.

See and I have a completely different perception. Your desire to be married and have a family THAT seems normal to me. I can't imagine why wanting or desiring that as a single person would be looked on in judgment. It's not pathetic by any means and IMO that is the "common" or "natural" way a Christian single should be.

I have always felt like an outcast because I didn't have these feelings for so long. I'm almost 25 and my older sister is almost 28. Now she has a strong desire to be married. And she is a nanny for a family of 4 (has been for the past 3 yrs) and I know she really wants a family. So to me, SHE is normal.

I'm the weird one because I feel so blase about the whole thing. Like say my mom were to joke around about wanting grandkids, it's fun and my sister is all "I want kids just as bad as you mom, I just need to find a husband!" and then there is me and I get uncomfortable because yes, I do see myself with children someday (I would love a couple of boys) but at the same time I am always reminded that I do not feel urgent about it and I feel like when parents or family talk to me that maybe that is "the way to be", you know?

So I don't even know if this came out right but I just wanted to say that I find it shocking that anyone would judge single Christians who actively want a husband wife or are looking for one. That is not pathetic or desperate. To me that IS the standard and I don't fit in with that so I feel like people were to judge me and look upon me like. "Why aren't you eager to be married young woman!" As if I should be feeling a different way.

Well, I don't even know if I got across what I wanted to say! lol But.....eh...meh. I hope you got something outta that!

mina · Jul 30, 2009

I don't think either desire is weird or pathetic. They are just different. neither is wrong- people feel what they feel. We shouldn't all be clones. you ARE normal. If you aren't desiring marriage then don't let anyone tell you that is wrong or abnormal. We all have our own desires and paths, follow the one the Lord has laid on your heart and is guiding you in. It makes me so sad when Christians think there is only one way to find love, one way to walk in, one formula for life success; as if God isn't creative enough to do things differently or to lead people differently when they are trusting and following Him (*note here* I don't mean different paths of salvation; I mean that God will deal with our desires for life and what our lives look like differently- there isn't one way to meet someone you love, there isn't one way to feel about what a "good little Christian" should do. if you are following Him and are honest, then He's going to guide you and it may not look like anyone else's life.

kevlite2020 · Jul 30, 2009

What a fun thread! Okay, here's how my dating life has been... I started dating in high school, and although I refused to lose my virginity at that point, I had a very easy time developing physical relationships with girls. I'm not necessarily good looking or anything, I don't know, I just had a way with girls then. I tried a few relationships that lasted around 2 months each, all of which the girls cheated on me and dumped me because I refused to "go all the way" with them.

In college, I settled down and didn't really fool around with anyone for a year because I wanted to get a serious relationship. In my second year though, I lost my virginity because one night, a girl kind of forced me to have sex with her, and I was too drunk/high to stop it even though I told her no over and over. Ironically, right after that experience, I met the girl who I ended up dating for 3 years. We lived together for a year and the relationship was actually great. The problems all came down to me and my life. I had no ambition, a bad job and no plan to go back to college (dropped out after 3 years) and I was really a bad boyfriend to her. For some reason, she loved me through all that, but when I realized how poor I was treating her and the kind of life I was making for her, I broke up with her when I really wanted to propose to her. It was the most painful thing I ever did, but I know it was the right thing to do because obviously I wasn't ready for that kind of relationship, no matter how much I loved her I didn't love or have any real control over myself. She's happily married now which is awesome, btw

After that, I had a few more physical relationships and realized how shallow it was, how it was getting me nowhere and hurting people more then it was feeling good. So I stopped dating, and this is when my journey to Christ began. A little more than a year ago I brought Christ into my life and since then I have been kind of looking to date. I'm a bit timid though because I still haven't quite got over the shames from my past and I want to bring as little baggage as possible into a relationship. I am ready to commit though, and I think I'm ready to have a relationship that has very strict physical boundaries till marriage. It's definitely harder to date though, I'm finding, when looking for a good emotional connection and not relying on flirting and trying to get the girl to open up to me physically. It's also hard to find a good Christian girl who's on the same page as me spiritually.

Even though it's hard, I know it's worth the wait and my patience to be careful in who I date. I don't want any more shallow relationships and even though I know I'm not meant to be single for life (I definitely burn with desire, like Paul talks about), I won't rush into anything. So that's where I'm at now, going on a date here and there but not really forcing anything.

trularue · Jul 30, 2009

Inkabink said:
Hey Tru,

You'll find there are a lot of young people here who either have never dated, or only dated a little bit. So you won't be alone there

As for me, I was a wretched little tart when I was younger, and I couldn't even tell you how many guys I messed around with - I don't even call it dating, cause none of it was love or anything remotely mature. I finally started shaping up in my 20's, and for the past several years I haven't done much dating at all. Mostly because I'm not looking for a date, I'm looking for my God-sent husband.

What you have just said? That is my sister to a "tee". She has had a rather colorful teenage period with messing around with guys, and she will readily admit that she wasn't even doing stuff with them for dating reasons either. When she accepted Jesus into her heart (I think she wasbetween the ages of 20-22, is it horrible that I don't know for sure?) well she struggled a lot with trying to conform her old behavior with guys. Many times she would get the "lonliness bug" and even though she wanted to find the man that God has for her, she would end up settling for a relationship that was not healthy for godly living. So she still had quite a few relationships that she "settled" for with unChristian men (throughout her early 20's)

BUT it's like the power of God really did a work inside of her because now for the last several years (like since she turned 25) she hasn't dated at all. And it was a delightful surprise to me because I could tell that something really had shifted within her. She was happy in her singledom and even though she is still looking for her God-sent husband, she is happy with who she is right now and able to enjoy life much better.

Don't get me wrong! She really does want a husband and a family, she is quite eager. But she is waiting.

lol so anyway I thought it was amazing Ink, that your little self-description described my sister exactly!!

kevlite2020 · Jul 30, 2009

trularue said:
What you have just said? That is my sister to a "tee". She has had a rather colorful teenage period with messing around with guys, and she will readily admit that she wasn't even doing stuff with them for dating reasons either. When she accepted Jesus into her heart (I think she wasbetween the ages of 20-22, is it horrible that I don't know for sure?) well she struggled a lot with trying to conform her old behavior with guys. Many times she would get the "lonliness bug" and even though she wanted to find the man that God has for her, she would end up settling for a relationship that was not healthy for godly living. So she still had quite a few relationships that she "settled" for with unChristian men (throughout her early 20's)

BUT it's like the power of God really did a work inside of her because now for the last several years (like since she turned 25) she hasn't dated at all. And it was a delightful surprise to me because I could tell that something really had shifted within her. She was happy in her singledom and even though she is still looking for her God-sent husband, she is happy with who she is right now and able to enjoy life much better.

Don't get me wrong! She really does want a husband and a family, she is quite eager. But she is waiting.

lol so anyway I thought it was amazing Ink, that your little self-description described my sister exactly!!

It is tough, what your sis went through when she accepted Christ. One mistake I had in thinking when I first brought Jesus into my life, was that all my bad urges and desires and struggles would just melt away. Nope, in fact they were stronger once I knew I wasn't supposed to do it. Complete abstinence is so so so difficult to keep up with for someone who has a past with lust. Some people never can completely turn away from it, no matter how much they love Jesus. It's still a struggle for me every single day.

Our past, no matter how we spent it, really does shape us. And for people like me who brought Jesus into their life later on, we end up with a lot of habits and addictions and struggles that we can't just turn off. It will always scar us and will always give us problems. Not that people who have always known Jesus have it easy, it's just to say, those like me have deep deep addictions and there isn't an easy way around it.

Mrs. Luther073082 · Jul 31, 2009

trularue said:
I am merely curious on everyone's background.

I started dating in middle school (innocent things like going to the movies and whatnot). In high school, I dated a lot, too. When I say I dated a lot, I mean just that -- I went on a lot of random dates, but I didn't do any messing around on those dates. (I've only kissed one person who I was not in a relationship with.) I also had 4 relationships during high school. The first 2 were fairly innocent and the latter 2 were sexual. The last relationship lasted 3 years and took place during my "rebellious teenager years" where I was pretty stupid. That was also when I was an athiest. That boyfriend proposed to me and we got an apartment together. I lived with him for 2 years. He turned out to be crazy and abusive, and after a particularly bad episode, I packed some stuff in a gym bag and left in the middle of the night to go to my parents' house in the next state. My parents got my things a month later. I never went back.

Shortly after that I became a Christian, and among many other changes I decided to make in my life, I decided that I wanted to be abstinent until marriage because I thought that is what God would want. I went on more random dating in which nothing happened. Dating with my new values was frustrating. There was a long period where I took a break from dating. In 2005 I went on a few dates with one guy who said he could respect my desire to wait; he was a very nice guy but our personalities didn't match up and also it bothered me that he didn't really "get" why I wanted to wait. In 2006 there were a few things including a guy at my church I was interested in for a bit but then lost interest in (I don't think he got it either).

I met Kirk online a few years ago here on CF and we were pretty good friends. By the end of 2007 we were talking a lot and in 2008 we started talking for hours on the phone every day. Everything about him matched up well with everything about me, from our sense of humor to our values. We met last summer and things were even better in person. Kirk proposed this Spring and we're getting married next Spring. This is the first serious relationship I have been in as a Christian and the first relationship where I've been trying to do things God's way and not my way. God's way is working out pretty well

If you wouldn't mind sharing with me.....

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