If someone you could cared about sent you this, what would you tell them?

The bottom line is this: I have existed without God in my life (from my end). I didn't go to Church, I don't celebrate Christmas, I don't celebrate Easter. I am not looking for God. I am looking for Truth. If God is Truth, then I want to find God. If Truth is that there is no God, then I guess I will just have to deal with that fact.

I am very inward looking. This is what flutters through my mind:

I want to see my father, my sister that I've never met, and my grandfather again after I die.

If there is a chance that this will happen, then I must find out how to do so. Thus, my spiritual search.

However, there is a chance that will not happen. This has far more reaching complications.

I am not a humanist. I'm not one of these, "Oh, just live your life the best you can, contribute to society, and die in peace." I don't want to just die in peace.

If there is no afterlife, then there is no purpose to existence.

If existence is meaningless, then there is no point in being here in the first place.

If there is no afterlife, every single thing I have learned, every single thing I have felt, experienced, laughed at, cried over, and all my hard lessons learned will be for absolutely nothing.

See, a humanist might say it is not for nothing. They would, again, approach with the same tired rhetoric. "Enhance your society, leave your memory through art and science and contribution to the world."

See, that mess only works if there are other people here to enjoy it.

If everything I have and will ever learn is utterly erased upon my death, then why am I here? Why the heck did I learn 1 + 1 = 2 and then expand on that if it will all be gone when I die? Why? All of the people I love. All of my pain and suffering that I've experienced. All of my relationships. Why did I have them if I'm just going to be snuffed out of existence?

This becomes even larger.

If ALL humans are the same as me, then why is anyone here? Why? Why do we have children? To bring more people into the world that will erase upon death? To bring needless suffering into the world for nothing in the grand picture?

Remember, human achievements of all shapes and sizes are only relevant if there are other humans around to enjoy them.

If there is no afterlife, then everyone on the planet may as well commit suicide because it honestly would not make a bit of difference.

But.

If there is one thing that I can think of that fills with such utter horror, dread, and fear as annihilation after death it's this:

To live through your life believing an absolute hope-filled joy bringing lie.

I would rather go through life completely miserable knowing the truth than dandy-dancing all through life with a big evangelical grin on my face believing in something that is complete horse****.

So, when you're reading my words in our exchange, and you think to yourself, "Wow, this guy sure is down in the dumps. What's his deal?" I want you to remember all the stuff I just wrote to you. Now, think about this:

I think about what I just wrote to you from waking to sleeping, every single day of my life. EVERY single day.

Thus, you see why I'm so inward looking, withdrawn and melancholy. It's also a part of why I'm so crass, pessimistic, and sarcastic. It's how I keep sane a lot of the time.

So, I'll just go through life, looking and searching. I'll never find what I'm looking for, and every Christian [this was written to a Christian] on this planet will tell me that.

Thus, I will live in fear for the rest of my life UNLESS something of fantastic proportions manifests itself to me in a way that leaves with no doubt in mind at all.

Let me also say one last thing to you, before my half-crazed, drooling lunatic exchange to you is concluded.

I have never, ever felt anything, not a glimmer, not a sliver of Presence of anything. There have been no miracles, no wonders, no Peak Experiences. I have laid in the bed begging for something, a flash, a feeling, a certainty, a release from the horror of not knowing... something to let me know that I am not alone.

I see people go through their lives, just a-dancin' and a-smilin' because they have the belief, correct or incorrect, that everything is going to be alright because they've got Jesus.

I don't have that luxury of blind faith. I am just not wired that way and there is nothing I can do about it.

Peace.

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