I guess my thinking on the kind of conversation we need to have keeps changing and being pushed forward, yet as we have talked recently it seems maybe we have said most of what we can say for now. The concepts of boundaries and distance are important, but it has been hard to put my finger on because it wasn't so much what he would do, but the way he would be, because his feelings for me have seemed so integrated into his behavior it didn’t seem separable. One time in the past he did try briefly and our interactions felt like cardboard, like water stopped from moving. That part I was not looking forward to.
But his tone has changed recently. I know it hurts him that I don’t feel the same, usually with me one on one he wears his emotions on his sleeve, he either says what he feels in the moment, or I can tell by his tone and terseness what he doesn’t say. But the last couple times I've seen him he has made a real effort to respect me in keeping his words and actions in check, foregoing flirtatious talking, tone or double meanings he could have played on, that kind of thing. My intuition says play it safe, keep distance, usually I've almost have a running calculation in my head about how long I need to go between different kinds of contact, maybe it's my own kind of boundary so I don't need to say so much about his need for one. Like I’ve said, I have lots of practice :/ Some times it is easier to do than others, but (at most) I can only control myself, not others, not to mention even if I could, that would be much harder to get ‘right’.
But I took it on faith somehow to take a day trip (1.5 hrs away) with him to celebrate Shavuot (Pentecost) with the only people (2 of my siblings’ families, mutual friends) either of us knew who were celebrating it on the particular day that seemed biblical to us. And that went well enough that somehow I still had peace the day after for what turned into a marathon house & yard cleaning well into the wee hours to help him get ready for the photographer coming to take pictures of his house so he could still get it listed to sell on the long weekend. Talk was mainly focused on the Word, figuring out the task at hand and his appreciation for help, which was also expressed platonically and meaningfully. It was the most joy I've had in helping him in awhile, and in a way the purest somehow once we were able to figure out priorities and get the right things accomplished.
Not good to push it I know, I had thought to lie low since then but continuing in the final push before actually showing the house (my brother is part owner, so it’s helping him too), there is distance still that will need to come more in the balance of real friendship with itself and with life, but I'm thankful right now at least it doesn't seem to need to be so artificial or imposed. I am amazed and thankful for this peace and chaos reduction. Please pray that each of us would see things clearly and not just expediently; I am also a bit uneasy of what may build up below the surface. He can still never get enough time with me, but in action he’s better at not letting that drive how often we spend time (ie work together). Tentatively hugs seem ok, or at least the last couple times they seemed to fit the occasion or not one on one. May still mention hand on shoulder as an alternative. Once the house is sold he may leave the country again for awhile, and/or live further away.
He has kind of said and implied and demonstrated in some ways that he has given up particularly in relation to or reaction to certain things I have said. In particular, saying I would try but couldn’t guarantee friendship given circumstances. I tried to couch it kindly but said in response to direct question unfortunately in text since I was rushing before a trip of several days. He related it to the feeling he had when his wife told him she was leaving; he felt powerless to do anything and just let her go. It may also relate to when earlier trying to speak more concisely about riddles not really being riddles (thanks Catherine
) and frustration with boundaries since it had felt he was always pushing them, in so many small ways poking or seeping through them and both of us needing distance to allow others into view. (With that I was also responding to a glimmer of possibility he mentioned that God might have someone else for him, which he now denies.) The ‘giving up’ is more I think that he has not been striving the way he was in this and has more peace about the way things are. A stage of sorts in God’s refining; He has much to refine in me also I know. He said he will ask again down the road but right now he says and I see he is trying to let it alone and focus on actual friendship, acknowledging once or twice that the way he has expressed his feelings has been a hindrance in friendship. Definitely gives me more peace as well.
That said, he has spoken recently as if God is ‘on his side’, basically saying ‘just you wait’ (ie God will change your mind on this yet). And like I am the person God has for him, and if not me then will be nobody? I understand others have pursued him, but I believe I am the only one he has pursued in much length in the 20-odd years after his marriage ended; before recently he has often talked of his love (but doesn’t always necessarily realize/admit how often).
I know if God were to take all the roadblocks and caution flags I see out of the way it could be a beautiful thing, in theory I am open if He made it clear, but I try not to think about it, I cannot live my life as if He will and I have learned the hard way the problems with saying maybe. I need to stop thinking maybes too when probabilities seem so small. So my answer is no and I can’t foresee a yes.
To mention one thing - some of those things it seems He has put there to guide us to different paths in our respective understandings of His will in each others’ ministry areas, and practical understandings of God that affect how we see life and supernatural experience, living into the end times and certain extra-biblical writings. In this way it had seemed to me that he had the perfect woman for him in his life a few years ago helping each other in community, but he never saw her like that. We can respect each others’ differences as friends, but I don’t think either of us fully trust each other in that way enough to walk together despite these spiritual differences.
Please keep praying for the balance and discretion because even with this new leaf (if it lasts) too much time together or too much talk even about ‘no’ sometimes feels like I could be saying maybe simply because I am willing to spend the time or have the discussion at all. I’m trying to position my reason for helping him with helping my brother and probably not many more days on this. But delays on the renos are delaying showings so I guess we’ll see.
