Ideas please! Losing patience with spouse

[straightshooter_0]

Backstory: Married 20 years. Both Christians with very strong personalities. Own a business but don't work together. Counseling for many years, on and off. Both on meds for depression, etc. Considering the stress we're under, generally a good relationship.

Currently: Hubs has been angry & critical of me for months. Although we both do our best to meet each other's needs, we're way different people and he's been trying to change me via shame so he feels better. That goes over about as well as you'd expect.

Yes, he's been told in counseling that nobody can fill his own needs but himself and God. Now, he just disappears for hours and days at a time. He asked our counselor if seeing me 1 hour on the weekend was enough.

Me: I'm discouraged and angry about the criticism. Also lonely. In the past, he tried to meet my needs when I brought them to his attention. Now, no matter how I phrase my request, he thinks I'm demanding. Seems to feels justified in "punishing" me which pushes childhood buttons. I lost my temper over the weekend and hurt him. Sadly, my apology fell on dead ears.

We've talked about all this stuff often in counseling. I'm just so frustrated and hurt that I want to explode but that isn't very productive. Plus I'll feel badly afterward.

Him: He's carrying a heavy load. Part of it is because life is just hard at the moment. Part of it stems from a lack of faith, influenced by spiritual abuse. He thinks he has to carry the whole world on his back.

His self-esteem is almost non-existent and lately has been so sensitive that he becomes offended/angry whenever anyone expresses something other than glowing approval of him. Let's just say that I've been actively discouraged from bringing couple problems (or even work problems) to the table.

Stuff I'm Doing to Deal: Couples counseling (tomorrow, thank God!).Giving him space. Praying. Doing nice things for him. Being careful with my words. Walking on eggshells. Being resentful 0.o

Ideas?: How do y'all deal emotionally when you've had it with your spouse?

Thanks!

 

[pdudgeon]

it sounds like you're both talking past each other, and when you do talk to each other it's more like talking at the other person rather than having a conversation together.

some basic communication skills seem to be needed here.

it also might be worthwhile to stop and consider what each of you individually wants to be able to do in the marriage itself, as well as what you want to do as a couple.
i say that because it sounds as though neither of these needs are being met right now, and that other concerns have assumed a priority in your lives, and thus displaced the priority of your relationship with each other.

add in that your hubby is carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, and it's easier to see why he is screeming out to be recognized for what he is doing, as well as looking to escape from that load.
most of all he needs to see that it's an impossible task that he's taken on,
and he needs to know that looking for help to carry that load is closer than he thinks.
sometimes it's difficult for a man to admit that there will come a time when he will need help, and also that some day someone else will be carrying that load.
as such, he has two choices;
1. he can continue to carry it by himself until it is forecebly removed from him either by time or ill health, or
2. he can take the initiative now and become a mentor to someone, training them in what he is doing. by doing that he has the chance to pass on his hard earned wisdom as well as having the opportunity to train and mould the future of his business, so that it is left in capable hands that he can be proud of.

it's a thought....

 

[Winken]

"It sounds like you're both talking past each other, and when you do talk to each other it's more like talking at the other person rather than having a conversation together."

Ditto!!

 

[Alithis]

love the lord Jesus ,do what he says to do .. believe in him .it all begins there .

 

[straightshooter_0]

@pdudgeon - you're absolutely right. We're talking past each other. I'm exhausted from trying to communicate "better", aka, in a way that he can understand and that speaks love instead of anything negative. I truly don't know what/if I'm doing "wrong".

I'm pretty sure that I have to let it go and trust God to fix this, but I'm a very thorough kind of person, so just in case, I thought I would ask some advice from fellow believers.

Work does indeed eat up time and energy we might otherwise have for each other. I'm not a Type A personality, so maybe it's easier for me to set boundaries around work than it is for my hubby. To his credit, he has listened to me and understands how I feel about work encroaching on our relationship and our lives. He just doesn't happen to agree with me about how work is too much.

So we'll go to counseling again to negotiate communication, work and relationship issues, which is the only place we can make it through a conversation from beginning to end these days. Sometimes I don't know how our therapist stands us

BTW, I think the idea of training a mentor is very wise and I'll include that advice in our discussion. The hubs doesn't always appreciate it when I offer to help, but maybe he would welcome someone else's assistance.

At the end of the day, I don't see a lot of solutions other than to pray for wisdom, unity and reconciliation; to share my ideas and my heart as he allows me; to do my job; and to put more energy into my life outside of marriage so I can get some needs met. It breaks my heart but I hope this is just a season in our lives.

Taking advice on these questions too:

- How should I pray for my husband?
- How do I deal with the loneliness and lack of intimacy?
- Am I missing something?

Thanks very much for your help everybody!

 

[Bible Highlighter]

You both need to surrender your lives more to Jesus and focus on building your relationship with the LORD. When this happens then loving each other will become more natural in what you need to do (When you read His Word and when you focus on seeking GOD's will). You will both want to sacrifice your lives for each other and others as Christ sacrificed His life for all of mankind to be saved (If you are focused on GOD). For we are to imitate Christ's behavior. This is only posible by the power of GOD. In other words, what you need to do is ask counseling from GOD and not men. You should both set more time to pray to the LORD so as to work on your relationship with JESUS so as to transform your heart and lives. For nothing is impossible with the LORD.

Now, if your husband is unwilling to surrender His life to Jesus more and work on building His relationship with the LORD, then you should journey on this road (with the LORD) without him. Follow Jesus; And pray for your husband and do good unto your husband every time he does something you do not like. Love him. Be more affectionate will be more natural when you have Christ directing your life towards Godly things. Pray for your husband to change. Be self serving and self sacrificing more like Christ so as to honor Jesus. In other words, in everything you do, do all to the glory of the LORD.


...

 

[pdudgeon]

@pdudgeon - you're absolutely right. We're talking past each other. I'm exhausted from trying to communicate "better", aka, in a way that he can understand and that speaks love instead of anything negative. I truly don't know what/if I'm doing "wrong".

I'm pretty sure that I have to let it go and trust God to fix this, but I'm a very thorough kind of person, so just in case, I thought I would ask some advice from fellow believers.

Work does indeed eat up time and energy we might otherwise have for each other. I'm not a Type A personality, so maybe it's easier for me to set boundaries around work than it is for my hubby. To his credit, he has listened to me and understands how I feel about work encroaching on our relationship and our lives. He just doesn't happen to agree with me about how work is too much.

So we'll go to counseling again to negotiate communication, work and relationship issues, which is the only place we can make it through a conversation from beginning to end these days. Sometimes I don't know how our therapist stands us

BTW, I think the idea of training a mentor is very wise and I'll include that advice in our discussion. The hubs doesn't always appreciate it when I offer to help, but maybe he would welcome someone else's assistance.

At the end of the day, I don't see a lot of solutions other than to pray for wisdom, unity and reconciliation; to share my ideas and my heart as he allows me; to do my job; and to put more energy into my life outside of marriage so I can get some needs met. It breaks my heart but I hope this is just a season in our lives.

Taking advice on these questions too:

- How should I pray for my husband?
- How do I deal with the loneliness and lack of intimacy?
- Am I missing something?

Thanks very much for your help everybody!

well done!
as to how to pray, pray that he learns how to lean on Christ, and also learns from His example of working with and interacting with His disciples. The gospels are a good place to start that learning.

depending on how large the business is, this mentorship/training period should take at least a year followed by 3 months of gradual turnover. at the end of that time your husband should be ready for a break before tackling his next project.

and that break is where you come in.
now that he's learned through the mentorship how to communicate his ideas--and how to listen to feedback-- you should be placed in a good spot to be his sounding board, and he should be much more receptive to listening.

 

[straightshooter_0]

You both need to surrender your lives more to Jesus and focus on building your relationship with the LORD...
Now, if your husband is unwilling to surrender His life to Jesus more and work on building His relationship with the LORD, then you should journey on this road (with the LORD) without him...

Thanks for your advice Jason. I would love nothing more than to focus on my marriage together with my husband. You're correct that mutual submission becomes a lot easier when God is in the center. But that just isn't possible at the moment. It's not because the hubs is trying to be difficult, he's just going through the dark night of the soul. So I'm on my own with my faith, and that's OK for the moment.

Our counselor is also a Christian and her assistance has been invaluable at this difficult time.

 

[straightshooter_0]

Thanks very much @pdudgeon. I think the timeline you laid out is a good idea. I'm very much hoping and praying that our business will have grown sufficiently in order to support more high-level staff so that he can have a break.

You were right that he is craving much more affirmation, so I'll do my best to provide what I can. Also, thanks for the input about how to pray for my husband. And I very much appreciate your encouragement. God bless!

 

[pdudgeon]

Thanks very much @pdudgeon. I think the timeline you laid out is a good idea. I'm very much hoping and praying that our business will have grown sufficiently in order to support more high-level staff so that he can have a break.

You were right that he is craving much more affirmation, so I'll do my best to provide what I can. Also, thanks for the input about how to pray for my husband. And I very much appreciate your encouragement. God bless!

you're very welcome.
I've seen this sort of upper level marriage relationship problem before in the church i used to belong to.

Our pastor and his wife started the church and grew it to 2k people in 15 years. But that growth took it's toll on their marriage. He was in the spotlight and she was almost on the sidelines, whereas before in the beginning they were true partners in the venture.
So they brought in a new pastor and his wife and 2 kids, mentored and sheltered them, taught both of them what it was like to be the one out front in the lead, and integrated them into the team to learn every aspect by doing it.

When the new pastor, his wife, and family were ready, the transition began.
it was originally planned to be 6 months long, but 2 months into the transition the expected tug-of-war for control started; so the turn-over time was shortened to 3 months so as not to force a split where it wasn't necessary.
the turn-over and commissioning was very public in all services as it needed to be.
Under new leadership the church changed, doubled in attendence to 4k, and expanded to a full time second campus. the old pastor visits from time to time, but the daily continuity is managed by the new pastor.

The reason all this happened was because our original pastor had a plan. and the most important part of that plan was that when he retired he planned to sit on the porch of his house with his wife and hold her hand.

In order to do that he knew that things had to change in his daiy life.
So he made room, made changes, and actively secured what was the most important thing to him; the companionship of his wife.

 

[Velvetyrabbit]

I think you guys need to get away... from each other. You both sound super stressed out and you're taking it out on each other. Usually, I would suggest having a weekend holiday together but I don't think that would work. You guys need to be able to completely relax and destress. All this talking and fighting and therapy, no wonder you guys are having problems that seem insurmountable.
My husband is military and goes away to work a lot. When we are having a problem we just can't get over, him going away changes everything. It gives us both space, time to work through our feelings and get a sense of whats really wrong, what we cab do to fix it and what we need from each other. Most importantly it gives us time to calm down. You can't be rational when you're stressed out, worked up and on top of each other. When my husband return we can have a sit down where we don't fight or get stressed, but where we are honest and open and uncritical of each other. I think you guys could really use that

 

[Living4HisGlory]

Backstory: Married 20 years. Both Christians with very strong personalities. Own a business but don't work together. Counseling for many years, on and off. Both on meds for depression, etc. Considering the stress we're under, generally a good relationship.

Currently: Hubs has been angry & critical of me for months. Although we both do our best to meet each other's needs, we're way different people and he's been trying to change me via shame so he feels better. That goes over about as well as you'd expect.

Yes, he's been told in counseling that nobody can fill his own needs but himself and God. Now, he just disappears for hours and days at a time. He asked our counselor if seeing me 1 hour on the weekend was enough.

Me: I'm discouraged and angry about the criticism. Also lonely. In the past, he tried to meet my needs when I brought them to his attention. Now, no matter how I phrase my request, he thinks I'm demanding. Seems to feels justified in "punishing" me which pushes childhood buttons. I lost my temper over the weekend and hurt him. Sadly, my apology fell on dead ears.

We've talked about all this stuff often in counseling. I'm just so frustrated and hurt that I want to explode but that isn't very productive. Plus I'll feel badly afterward.

Him: He's carrying a heavy load. Part of it is because life is just hard at the moment. Part of it stems from a lack of faith, influenced by spiritual abuse. He thinks he has to carry the whole world on his back.

His self-esteem is almost non-existent and lately has been so sensitive that he becomes offended/angry whenever anyone expresses something other than glowing approval of him. Let's just say that I've been actively discouraged from bringing couple problems (or even work problems) to the table.

Stuff I'm Doing to Deal: Couples counseling (tomorrow, thank God!).Giving him space. Praying. Doing nice things for him. Being careful with my words. Walking on eggshells. Being resentful 0.o

Ideas?: How do y'all deal emotionally when you've had it with your spouse?

Thanks!

Backstory: Married 20 years. Both Christians with very strong personalities. Own a business but don't work together. Counseling for many years, on and off. Both on meds for depression, etc. Considering the stress we're under, generally a good relationship.

Currently: Hubs has been angry & critical of me for months. Although we both do our best to meet each other's needs, we're way different people and he's been trying to change me via shame so he feels better. That goes over about as well as you'd expect.

Yes, he's been told in counseling that nobody can fill his own needs but himself and God. Now, he just disappears for hours and days at a time. He asked our counselor if seeing me 1 hour on the weekend was enough.

Me: I'm discouraged and angry about the criticism. Also lonely. In the past, he tried to meet my needs when I brought them to his attention. Now, no matter how I phrase my request, he thinks I'm demanding. Seems to feels justified in "punishing" me which pushes childhood buttons. I lost my temper over the weekend and hurt him. Sadly, my apology fell on dead ears.

We've talked about all this stuff often in counseling. I'm just so frustrated and hurt that I want to explode but that isn't very productive. Plus I'll feel badly afterward.

Him: He's carrying a heavy load. Part of it is because life is just hard at the moment. Part of it stems from a lack of faith, influenced by spiritual abuse. He thinks he has to carry the whole world on his back.

His self-esteem is almost non-existent and lately has been so sensitive that he becomes offended/angry whenever anyone expresses something other than glowing approval of him. Let's just say that I've been actively discouraged from bringing couple problems (or even work problems) to the table.

Stuff I'm Doing to Deal: Couples counseling (tomorrow, thank God!).Giving him space. Praying. Doing nice things for him. Being careful with my words. Walking on eggshells. Being resentful 0.o

Ideas?: How do y'all deal emotionally when you've had it with your spouse?

Thanks!

Sometimes this stage in life is just plain hard because of our aging and changing bodies - women in their mid-late forties are very likely in perimenopause and men have decreasing testosterone and a lot have a type of mid-life crisis. It can be the perfect storm in a marriage! Please consider these things as well, and maybe discuss with your Drs. Praying for you!

 

[Living4HisGlory]

Straightshooter - this is a read I think you might find helpful:

https://peacefulwife.com/2016/04/25/encouragement-for-those-who-are-in-the-trenches/

 

[straightshooter_0]

Thanks so much everybody for your support. It's much appreciated.

@pdudgeon - great example of mentorship and delegation! Also, thanks for your input on how to pray for the hubby. I believe God is answering that prayer, even though it's taking us through some difficult times. I can't say that I'm any better though! Sometimes, I'm a slow learner when it comes to God's discipline

@Velvetyrabbit - you confirmed what our counselor said, so praise God for that! We're pretty independent people, so it's not like time apart fazes us, unless it is excessive. Also I'm a super introvert and my husband has tendencies in that direction which can add to the stress. On Saturdays, we pretty much just text each other for the majority of the day. Ah, geek love

@Living4HisGlory - so true about changing bodies, health, emotions, etc.!!! Mercifully, God foresaw my medical needs before they became urgent and helped me to schedule doctors appointments before I knew I needed them. In fact, I had one yesterday. That being said, I could have used some more info about how this "time of life" turns everything upside down

Also, thanks so much for the article. I read it some time ago, but it was a great reminder and brought me some peace.

Thanks everybody!

The Lord bless you, and keep you; The Lord make His face shine on you,
And be gracious to you; The Lord lift up His countenance on you, And give you peace. –- Number 6:24-26

 

[Ana the Ist]

Backstory: Married 20 years. Both Christians with very strong personalities. Own a business but don't work together. Counseling for many years, on and off. Both on meds for depression, etc. Considering the stress we're under, generally a good relationship.

Currently: Hubs has been angry & critical of me for months. Although we both do our best to meet each other's needs, we're way different people and he's been trying to change me via shame so he feels better. That goes over about as well as you'd expect.

Yes, he's been told in counseling that nobody can fill his own needs but himself and God. Now, he just disappears for hours and days at a time. He asked our counselor if seeing me 1 hour on the weekend was enough.

Me: I'm discouraged and angry about the criticism. Also lonely. In the past, he tried to meet my needs when I brought them to his attention. Now, no matter how I phrase my request, he thinks I'm demanding. Seems to feels justified in "punishing" me which pushes childhood buttons. I lost my temper over the weekend and hurt him. Sadly, my apology fell on dead ears.

We've talked about all this stuff often in counseling. I'm just so frustrated and hurt that I want to explode but that isn't very productive. Plus I'll feel badly afterward.

Him: He's carrying a heavy load. Part of it is because life is just hard at the moment. Part of it stems from a lack of faith, influenced by spiritual abuse. He thinks he has to carry the whole world on his back.

His self-esteem is almost non-existent and lately has been so sensitive that he becomes offended/angry whenever anyone expresses something other than glowing approval of him. Let's just say that I've been actively discouraged from bringing couple problems (or even work problems) to the table.

Stuff I'm Doing to Deal: Couples counseling (tomorrow, thank God!).Giving him space. Praying. Doing nice things for him. Being careful with my words. Walking on eggshells. Being resentful 0.o

Ideas?: How do y'all deal emotionally when you've had it with your spouse?

Thanks!

This is difficult without knowing (even in a general sense) what it is that you both seem to "need" from each other yet aren't getting...

Your method of backing off from the situation, treating it like it's a bomb about to explode, doesn't sound like it's working. What is he asking of you that's so difficult to do?