I used to think I must have been a reject from birth to be hurt and beat and sexually abused from as early as I can remember.I used to think and thought for many years there must be something inherently wrong with me.I thought I must be unlovable and deserved to be hated and hurt.I always wondered why........
I wondered why God made me
and I was angry about it too
I seldom got to attend school
a few months here and there
once in a while but usually I went to work with the family instead of school.
From city to city and country to country
picking oranges in Florida
hauling wood on construction sites
to learning to build and set condominiums
painting
shingling roofs
picking all kinds of fruit
whatever jobs there was to do
and the constant moving to stay ahead of any checks I think
people were told I was mentally impaired and could not attend school
the casual questioners I guess
yet I learned how to build homes and such.
I never learned to make friends
because I was always on job sites
It was just to work on the run or else
Job sites and home and beatings and abuse
being asked what I was thinking at any given moment
and beat if I froze with fear and did not remember
I was beat until I made something up and I hated to do that because that was lying.
However only way to stop the beatings
the kicking and beatings with all sorts of things
black and blue
being kept awake at night getting abused
not enough sleep before a long work day again
I did not know anything else
just hate and abuse
and not even school to teach me a better way.
Just constant moves.
I wondered and wondered why.
But people have free will.
and Jesus came to heal the broken hearted and
set at liberty those who are bruised.
To give us rest and hope and an expected end.
Truly He keeps His Word.
If only we would come to Jesus sooner,
Trust Jesus sooner.
Ask Jesus for help and healing and rest sooner.
Surrender to Jesus sooner.
Believe He is the only Way and Truth and Life sooner.
If only we come under His wings sooner
and let Him lead us to still waters and restore our souls sooner.
If only we had come boldly to His throne of grace sooner.
If only we had believed Jesus and sought for Him sooner
and asked Him for good things sooner.
if only we had believed Him and trusted all His promises sooner.
If only I had done this.
I would have been restored and healed and given rest and lead to still waters so much sooner.
But I did not trust deep enough
surrender deep enough
I thought I was strong enough
and I kept wondering why
and blaming things on my past
instead of coming to Jesus
who would have healed me
and restored me
I believed in Jesus yes
I gave my heart to Jesus yes
I trusted Jesus for lots yes
and I had many many prayers answered yes
But I needed to surrender all
I needed to constantly abide in Jesus
and run to Jesus every time
I needed Him
sometimes I ran away in fear
Instead of running to Jesus every time.
But Jesus has all power and authority
He has always been with me and kept me safe
Jesus has always been trustworthy
Jesus has never left me or forsaken me
Jesus has forgiven me all my sins
and Redeemed me
My Saviour and Redeemer
One day I will see Him face to face
and He will wipe all tears from my eyes.
I reckon this present suffering shall not be compared
to the glory that shall be revealed in me,
as the apostle Paul says to us.
I wondered why God made me
and I was angry about it too
I seldom got to attend school
a few months here and there
once in a while but usually I went to work with the family instead of school.
From city to city and country to country
picking oranges in Florida
hauling wood on construction sites
to learning to build and set condominiums
painting
shingling roofs
picking all kinds of fruit
whatever jobs there was to do
and the constant moving to stay ahead of any checks I think
people were told I was mentally impaired and could not attend school
the casual questioners I guess
yet I learned how to build homes and such.
I never learned to make friends
because I was always on job sites
It was just to work on the run or else
Job sites and home and beatings and abuse
being asked what I was thinking at any given moment
and beat if I froze with fear and did not remember
I was beat until I made something up and I hated to do that because that was lying.
However only way to stop the beatings
the kicking and beatings with all sorts of things
black and blue
being kept awake at night getting abused
not enough sleep before a long work day again
I did not know anything else
just hate and abuse
and not even school to teach me a better way.
Just constant moves.
I wondered and wondered why.
But people have free will.
and Jesus came to heal the broken hearted and
set at liberty those who are bruised.
To give us rest and hope and an expected end.
Truly He keeps His Word.
If only we would come to Jesus sooner,
Trust Jesus sooner.
Ask Jesus for help and healing and rest sooner.
Surrender to Jesus sooner.
Believe He is the only Way and Truth and Life sooner.
If only we come under His wings sooner
and let Him lead us to still waters and restore our souls sooner.
If only we had come boldly to His throne of grace sooner.
If only we had believed Jesus and sought for Him sooner
and asked Him for good things sooner.
if only we had believed Him and trusted all His promises sooner.
If only I had done this.
I would have been restored and healed and given rest and lead to still waters so much sooner.
But I did not trust deep enough
surrender deep enough
I thought I was strong enough
and I kept wondering why
and blaming things on my past
instead of coming to Jesus
who would have healed me
and restored me
I believed in Jesus yes
I gave my heart to Jesus yes
I trusted Jesus for lots yes
and I had many many prayers answered yes
But I needed to surrender all
I needed to constantly abide in Jesus
and run to Jesus every time
I needed Him
sometimes I ran away in fear
Instead of running to Jesus every time.
But Jesus has all power and authority
He has always been with me and kept me safe
Jesus has always been trustworthy
Jesus has never left me or forsaken me
Jesus has forgiven me all my sins
and Redeemed me
My Saviour and Redeemer
One day I will see Him face to face
and He will wipe all tears from my eyes.
I reckon this present suffering shall not be compared
to the glory that shall be revealed in me,
as the apostle Paul says to us.
