I want to marry a non-Christian.

[hugnluvable]

Hi there, I know this might be a little bit late to join the bandwagon but I totally know how you feel.

This time last year I wanted to marry a non-Christian. In fact this time last year in two weeks Pete proposed to me. And I said YES! And even more to the point I did just what I wanted! I married him. I love being married to him but..... there are loads of buts, that are truly the reason why marrying a non-Christian isn't advisable.

I married Pete because I love him with all my heart, and I want to spend the rest of my worldly days with him. I know that one day he will be saved, and God keeps on reassuring me that one day this will happen. But I couldnt wait until that day to marry him. I really couldnt wait. Pete moved down 200 miles to be with me, moving away from it all, we bought a house together. In a time when I was praying for closed doors if this wasnt what was meant to be - so many doors, windows and cat flaps were sprung open. I shant go into detail - but there were no obstacles, rather loads of lifts and gifts and abundant blessings. And as we lived with each other it was so hard keeping it as pure as possible (yes he respected our seperate room policy before we got married!) - and so getting married made it so much easier!

Maybe I got it all wrong, than again, maybe I didnt. In everything that happened and happens now I made it very clear to Pete, my family and friends that I was going to give God the glory for it all. And in such a situation where God might not be obeyed it was all turned around and He was magnified in every single way.

Don't get me wrong Lily.... life is hard. Even though I'm very fortunate to have a husband who respects everything I do as a Christian and even encourages it it is so extremely hard and lonely. It isnt impossible though to live a God glorifying life when not married to a Christian. But it's quite frustrating when you want to glorify Him with everything you do and have when the relationship you are part of is only a two way push rather than a three way.

If you do marry your boyfriend then please think about the consequences.... which are many. Do you want to worship God with all your self? all your life? Marrying a non-Christian will make you build so many barriers to inhibit you from doing that to the best of your ability. It is so hard to have to constantly explain yourself to someone you love so much. And it so hard explaining your love for something you have so much passion for and your husband (the one in the world you have commited the rest of your worldly days with who's opinion you really do think the world of - because you live him) just shrugs his shoulders, and just doesnt understand the intensity of His love, or the sheer urgency for him to get to know God.

So if you are prepared to go through so much pain and angst and tears EVERY DAY! Then go for it. Yes, God will work through all situations and He will be glorified - but He'll break you first and He'll break you hard. Trust me, I'm there right now. And it's so hard letting God break barriers that I've put in place myself...

I'll be praying for you - for whatever decision you make. Becuase any decision you make is going to be hard. But keep rejoicing because God is with you always.

Love, hugs and prayers
Erica
xxx

 

[Southern Cross]

Everything hinges on the verses in 2 Corinthians (14-17). If you actually read all of 1 and 2 Corinthians, you'll see that Paul is talking about how the growth and reptuation of the young church in Corinth is being tarnished by mixing it's core values with some of the beliefs being brought into the mix by non-beleivers. Don't forget that there was a very long standing practice of worshipping other gods and people actively visited temples in the area.

Bottom line, the verses that are ALWAYS mentioned in support of not marrying an unbeliever (or, laid down as "the law") really weren't directed at marriage. You've always got to go back and look at the context in which Paul's letters were inspired and written. When he's addressing a specific group of people or a specific society, is he teaching the rest of us how we should live? Sometimes I see pretty distinct differences. It's very much like how the verses about how women should be wearing head coverings, etc.

Also, I do assign some blame to a lot of Bible publishers for the DO NOT BE YOKED WITH UNBELIEVERS message being applied so vigorously to marriage. A lot of publishers insert a DO NOT BE YOKED WITH UNBELIEVERS caption or header just before 1 Corinthians 6:14. Sorry, but that wasn't in Pauls original letters. What this header does is seprate 6:13 from 6:14 and it makes it look like a completely new statement. That's the way it is in all the Bibles in my home, yet I can't find a valid reason why that should have been done outside of someone back in the 1700s probably did it and everyone thinks it's some stupendous stand alone statement that needs to be addressed.

A lot of people use a blanket form of scriptural interpretation to apply messages meant for one group of people to ALL believers in ANY circumstances. Hence, in this case, Paul was specifically admonishing the Corinthian church to not allow divisions due to different beliefs (go back to 1 Corinthians to see this).

BUT, I also think the Bible offers us a lot of common sense direction. No, the Bible does not say you cannot marry an unbeliever. But if Paul is telling us that the church in Corinth was becoming tainted with ungodly beliefs and traditions carried over from pagan worship - and identifying specific problems that were present - the inference is that marriage to an unbeliever can produce the same results in your home. A spouse that is an atheist or even has a passive belief that some "higher power" exists can be just as damaging as any pagan faith or cult.

A common sense solution says that we should avoid being married to an unbeliever. You will experience strife in your home, including how your children are raised, how you solve problems, how you spend your money, and the ultimate heartbreak - if they don't profess their faith in Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, you won't be seeing them in heaven. Period.

I grew up in such a home. My mother is going to heaven. My step father is not (at this point). I love him dearly - he is the closest thing to a dad that I've got - but he's making his choices. The deep chasm between their beliefs was a serious factor in their divorce. I am seeing first hand how not having a set of parents united in their faith is in turn impacting the lives of their grown children and their families decades later.

My message to the OP is DO NOT underestimate how being married to an unbeliever will impact you and your family. Marriage is already challenging enough without adding even more problems into the mix.

I have seen a few UE marriages work pretty well. So it's possible. Just rare in my opinion.

 

[covenantwmn]

You've received some really good advice here, I hope you heed it. From someone who married a guy who went to church all the time and seemed to believe, but didn't, I pray you will not go forward with this relationship. You've already been given scripture, which is clear. Just know that my "passive Christian" man never really knew the Lord and our marriage ended, the effects still continue to this day. The LORD tells us what we should do to protect us and help us, not to deny us anything good. My prayer is that you will follow his Word. Blessings.

 

[justaspeck]

-

 

[rainbowpromise]

Hi i know this might not be my place to say this but i am going to anyway, mods delete it if its too bad or whatever. i dont think its bad to marry non christians. As long as they respect what u believe and support your decision to continue following God and are not ridiculing you or anything about it i dont think it is a problem. I know some non christian men who are way more mature and marriage worthy and respectful and kind than the Christian men in my church.

Another thing. Everyone is like missionary dating is bad blah blah blah.... yeah it may be "bad" if the person is very against God or adamant about not wanting to be a christian... cause that person is going to pull you down. But, if the person is neutral or interested in the idea of Christianity and u dont mind if they are not a christian when u are married i say it is perfectly fine.

My dad dated my mom for 5 years before they got married. My mom was not a Christian. My dad, through his actions and love, showed my mom Gods love and a short while after they were married she got saved. It is ok! My mom is such a Godly woman and she would never have gotten saved if it wasnt for my dad dating her. I dont even know why i randomly had the urge to write this , but i needed to tell u guys my opinion.

Take Care
~justaspeck

I am so glad it worked out for your parents, but it is not the norm.
I really can't put myself completely into the shoes of someone marrying a non-believer because my husband and I had the same beliefs (with a few minor discrepencies). Our beliefs are different now. It is a lonely place to be.
I live every day with the knowledge that the man I love is in bondage to his sins. He can not know the peace and joy that I know. When life becomes stressful he carries it alone because even though the burden is also mine, my portion is given over to the Lord.
I live every day knowing that if we die together, we will not be in eternity together.
I live every day with sadness that his life could end and he would be separated from God forever.

I would rather not have these thoughts. Even though I can also give them over to the Lord, as they pass through my mind, they hurt.

With what I know and have experienced now, I would never choose to marry a non-believer. I also would not trade the man I am married to, but that was after going into the vows of marriage without realizing what it would mean.

 

[pete56]

Wow Justaspeck! That advice is just so dreadful!

let me ask, since you do not show it in your profile - Are you married? To an unbeliever? And how old are you?

I am sorry to ask so many questions but we have a tradition here in UY at CF not to take advice form anyone that as not walked this rocky path for some time and experienced that which they are advising upon!

As for me - if I had been a believer when I had come to marry my unbelieving wife - I would nt have asked her to marry me!

I love my wife dearly, and would gladly lay down my life for her right now! But the pain of knowing that eternally we will not be together breaks my heart and I weep regularly for her soul!

Pete

 

[AbidingInHim]

Glad you said it Pete, I know I could not have been so gentle with it

 

[WashedClean]

I agree with Pete!

Not sure if you're married, JustaSpeck, but if you haven't personally been in an UY marriage, you have no idea what you're advising. Sorry, but even with supportive spouses, it's tough.

 

[free4all]

But, if the person is neutral or interested in the idea of Christianity

[bible]revelation 3:15-16[/bible]

[bible]matthew 25:34[/bible]

[bible]matthew 25:41[/bible]

There is no neutrality with Christ--you are either for Him or against Him.

and u dont mind if they are not a christian when u are married i say it is perfectly fine.

Will you mind if they never come to Christ, and you must live your entire Christian life alone, for the rest of your life? Will you mind if they turn against Christ further after you marry, and battle you every time you do something for Christ, such as go to church, or speak His name? Will you mind if they turn your children against God, and your children die and go to hell?

You don't know how a person will respond or not respond to Christ in the future. I know of only a few happy endings. I know of many more difficult lives.

If you value a Christian home for yourself and your children, the best course is to not marry a non-Christian.

If you don't value a Christian home for yourself or your children, then do as you please. But what would that say about your love and commitment to the Lord?

I disagree wholeheartedly that it's okay or "perfectly fine" for a Christian to marry a non-Christian.

 

[AbidingInHim]

What's a matter Wayne, I know you didn't run out of breathe that fast, tell us how you really feel, don't hold back

 

[lily2424]

I am confused....I posted something maybe a week ago...but I never saw it appear, and now I when I was reading through these responses it looks like people are writing to me...I am not sure how...I could be wrong.
Anyway, it doesn't matter because I really belong here. I am with my muslim boyfriend. I am a christian (I have been for about 15 years), but (i am so ashamed to say) I have been questioning my own faith lately because of some things that have happened in my life. So, I feel confused and I feel worried... and I don't know why I can't let go of him.

 

[kayd1966]

I am confused....I posted something maybe a week ago...but I never saw it appear, and now I when I was reading through these responses it looks like people are writing to me...I am not sure how...I could be wrong.
Anyway, it doesn't matter because I really belong here. I am with my muslim boyfriend. I am a christian (I have been for about 15 years), but (i am so ashamed to say) I have been questioning my own faith lately because of some things that have happened in my life. So, I feel confused and I feel worried... and I don't know why I can't let go of him.

Welcome Lily;

Sorry, I haven't seen your post...if you feel we are talking to you and yet you didn't post...its more than likely the Lord speaking to you through what we have posted.

I'm not sure what has happened in your life but I know what happened in my life...I ignored God and ended up where I am now. Just recently, I took the time to look at Job again and was completely convicted all over again. I should have read that before I got married.

Reading through Job puts our lives into perspective. Take the time to read through it. If you have The Message, it makes for easier understanding.

(I uses the website http://www.biblegateway.com alot because I can look up different scriptures in multiple versions.)

I am praying for you...please take the time to read through the older thread. They can be very informative.

God Bless...

 

[kayd1966]

I agree with what Wayne has said. This is where most people trip up...they think that because they haven't decided to believe in anything that they are undecided. In reality...they have decided...you make a decision for Christ..because if you haven't then the decision against Christ is actually a decision for satan.

 

[free4all]

I am confused....I posted something maybe a week ago...but I never saw it appear, and now I when I was reading through these responses it looks like people are writing to me...I am not sure how...I could be wrong.
Anyway, it doesn't matter because I really belong here. I am with my muslim boyfriend. I am a christian (I have been for about 15 years), but (i am so ashamed to say) I have been questioning my own faith lately because of some things that have happened in my life. So, I feel confused and I feel worried... and I don't know why I can't let go of him.

Hi Lily,

I didn't see any other post from you. In fact, the post I quoted shows that is your first post at CF. I don't know what happened to your other one. Anyway, welcome to CF!

I agree with Kay that if you feel we were writing to you, it is probably the Holy Spirit convicting you. I also recommend you read some of the older posts. They go back almost 3 years, and there are more than what are listed on this first page.

I don't know anything about you other than what you've just said, but I feel I need to caution you on something I've observed over the years. I've known a few Muslims, and observed others also. I have seen several instances where a Muslim man will marry a non-Muslim wife... they'll have kids, and at some point, the Muslim man will decide he wants to raise the children in a Muslim country. I've seen several instances where the man took the children, without the mother's permission or knowledge, and went to live in a Muslim country. And since he was the father, the government of his country didn't consider it a crime and would not extradite, nor help the mother obtain even partial custody. She was left in another country with no way to get access to her children. The moms suffered terribly. I don't know how the children adjusted, because communications were cut off.

You are probably saying, "My boyfriend would never do that." That's what all those other mothers thought. Yet they were wrong.

You may think I'm accusing your b/f needlessly, but I have seen this happen before.

In spite of all the other cautions and red flags about marrying a non-Christian, you have one more huge one to consider.

Please read the other threads, for your sake and the sake of any children you may have later.

Feel free to ask anything you like. We will not jump on you, but we will give you direct advice. We want you to avoid the same pitfalls that many of us live with daily.

Your choice. We're here to help if you are interested.

Wayne

 

[AbidingInHim]

Hi LIly, I'm glad you posted, I've been praying deligently for you

 

[AbidingInHim]

Have you and your boyfriend discussed your different reliegions? HOw much do you understand about what he believes and does he have a truthful understanding, not tainted, understanding of what it means to have a relationship with God?

 

[lily2424]

I could write for pages about my situation and how I have ended up where I am at this time. My boyfriend and I just started off as good friends, and slowly it progressed into a deeper relationship. I am so ashamed to say that I have gone from a pretty good christian...to a somewhat spiritually confused person (please don't think bad of me)...and believe me I pray so hard so much...but I am still here and I feel like I am letting myself fall...I am just watching myself fall...but I also wonder if there is a reason I am still where I am...

You are probably saying, "My boyfriend would never do that." That's what all those other mothers thought. Yet they were wrong.

Thanks for your thoughts and concerns, but surprisingly, I don't think like that. I have read many stories like that too and they scare me so much. I know exactly how those girls feel about their boyfriends...I would like to say the same thing about my boyfriend, but I know that it would be naive of me. He is from a secular muslim country, but I guess it wouldn't matter too much.

Have you and your boyfriend discussed your different reliegions? HOw much do you understand about what he believes and does he have a truthful understanding, not tainted, understanding of what it means to have a relationship with God?

Yes, we have spent a great deal of time discussing different religions. I have read a lot about Islam...things for Islam...things against Islam. I see him praying a lot...and he would make a better christian than most of the christian boys I know (I mean he is always trying to do what he thinks will please God...too bad he isn't a Christain...and I know God is great, but that would truly be a miracle). I don't know what to think about him and his religion...I think he might have a tainted understanding from things he says, but other times I am not sure. I know you either choose Christ or you choose satan, but what about people from other religions who try to live good lives for God? Are they just doomed? I mean some people can't help where they were born, and there are like 1.5 billion muslims (I think??). This is where my confusion comes in, and I would have never had this problem if I had not gotten so close to him. The bottom line is that he really likes me a lot...and here is part I don't even want to write...he really wants me to convert. In my heart I know what I believe and I feel like I could never do that, but somedays I feel like something is changing inside of me. So maybe I am really starting to understand why that verse about being unequally yoked is in the Bible...the longer I stay with him...the more my faith suffers.
I do need help. I already know what you will all say,dump him,but that is the hard part...and no one here can call him on the phone and do it for me. The biggest problem is that not 100% of me wants to do that. I have prayed many...many...many times for God to give the strength to do it if that is his will...and almost exactly 1 year later...I am still here.
Sorry about all of the rambling. I just had to admit things I am not proud of, and I hope I came across the way I was trying to...

 

[free4all]

Lily,

I don't think bad of you. You've been very upfront and honest. I know what it's like to be in love with someone and facing a huge decision. It's so much harder when you are close to them.

You are right about it not mattering much that he is from a secular Moslem country in terms of support a foreign wife would receive in trying to retrieve her children. When push comes to shove (actually long before then) the secular Moslem countries will always side with their citizens over a Westerner when it comes to child custody issues. I'm not sure if that is what you had in mind by your comment, but you need to understand this fully before you have children with this man.

Concerning him being devoted and making a better Christian than a lot of Christians you know... I almost said the very same thing about many Moslems in my first post to you. Do not expect him to convert to Christianity. As a group, they are very fixed in their faith. If you don't believe me, watch the news. Based on my experience with Moslems, expect his faith to become even more firm as he ages. Are you ready to spend a lifetime with a practicing Moslem, one who expects you to follow all the Moslem requirements also? He may be gentle about wanting you to convert now. Don't expect him to be so gentle once you marry.

If you are really concerned about which faith is true, examine them both. But to do so while you are in a relationship with him will almost certainly lead you to sway his way.

You say he wants you to convert. I'm not surprised. He is true to his faith and will raise his family that way. If you join him and later decide you don't agree, he will then raise his children in the Moslem faith.. without you, and where you cannot reach him or the children. You will have no legal recourse if he moves to a Moslem country.

You say you are trying to decide. Your b/f is giving you his input, probably strongly. Do you have any input from Christians? Are you going to church? Are you studying the Bible? If you have no input from Christ, you will invariably be led toward your b/f's conclusions. You already seem to be captivated by him and can't seem to bring yourself to get away.

Of course that is your choice.

I agree with you: the longer you stay with him, the more your faith will suffer.

I understand that not 100% of you wants to break up with him. If you wait for 100%, you will likely never break up with him. You enjoy something about the relationship for it to have continued for a year.

You are making a decision for a lifetime. If you want to live the life of a Moslem, then marry him and practice it. If at some point you realize you made a mistake, you will not be able to undo it totally.

I don't expect you to be able to give the claims of Christianity a fair test as long as you are so close to your b/f. He will counter every move you want to make for Christ, and he will have an answer for every question you are not sure of. He will not waiver over time. If you are looking primarily for someone who is a strong leader, you will likely stay with him. You are very close to going beyond the point of no return, as far as experiencing lifelong consequences of your decisions.

No one can decide for you. The strength is already inside you to break up, you just don't want to bad enough.

God Himself will not make decisions for us--He has given us that authority, and He won't take it back.

If you are waiting for Him to decide for you, or for a feeling of strength, your decision has already been made. It is up to us to make decisions--then God provides the strength we need. If you confuse and reverse the order, you will live a life of allowing other people to make decisions for you. Do you want others to make decisions for you your entire life? You are close to that now, closer than you realize.

I have had close Moslem friends, I have stayed in their homes, met their fellow citizens, eaten with them, gotten to know them well, almost killed a Moslem acquaintance of a friend when he threatened to rape my g/f (who later became my wife). You are in for a life-changing experience if you marry a Moslem.

Are you comfortable wearing the traditional Moslem female attire? Of course you don't have to wear it now, but what happens if you decide to follow him back to his country someday? What if you are faced with the choice of following him and living there, or never seeing your children again?

If you are comfortable being a fully practicing Moslem, and that's what you want, go for it. If you desire anything less than that, or think you might desire something less at any time in your future, now is the time to get out.

Of course it won't be easy breaking up. But how hard do you think living for 50 years as a Moslem woman will be?

It's your decision, not his.

And don't worry about rambling. I've done much more rambling than you have here in this forum. I appreciate your honesty and your willingness to not try and blame others for your decisions.

May the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob have mercy on you.

Wayne

 

[pete56]

Lily

Welcome to UY at CF!

I don't think anyone has come here with a more difficult, relevant and urgent need than yours before! (And I apologise to all the other contributors, but I believe that what Lily is going through is actually a sign of the times in which we live!)

Lily, you don't say in which country you live or how you actually met your b/f. I live in the UK, inan area that has a large muslim population, and I have two young daughters. It is my understanding from what my DD's have told me that many young Muslim boys go out with a specific agenda to 'befriend' young white girls. Their intentions in doing this, initially are less than platonic - apparently it is not permitted for them to marry a girl that is not a virgin! Should the white girl resist the advances of the young man, then one of two things occurs - either they get very angry and at times violent, or they try to convert the girl to their faith with promises of undying love and lifelong committment.

The former reaction has resulted, in our area, in a great deal of racial tension amongst the young people, and the latter has often ended in the conversion and marriage of the young girls. However, the stories you have read and Wayne has reminded you of, are all too true and all too painful to recount. The men of the Muslim faith 'lord' it over the family and can and will make decisions to remove the children if the wife does not behave as a good Muslim.

Another thought on the 'rules' issue - have you checked out the tenets of Sharia Law? Particularly as they apply to women! I have read a few books on this matter and none of them make pretty reading! Some of them are - in the event of adultery (and remember it takes two to tango) - the woman may be stoned to death! And yes in some Muslim countries it does still happen! In the event that a wife is found not to be a virgin at marriage - the marriage can be anulled at any time! This often leads to honour killings amongst the Asian community in th UK as the girl's own relatives 'protect' the family honour.

I am relating these tales to you so that you might have a complete picture of the sort of faith you may be contemplating converting to!

As to your question about 'good' Muslims going to heaven - I do not profess to understand how God will work that out - but I do know that the God I follow (and He may be the same one that your B/f follows, I don't know) loves ALL of mankind and He does not want any to perish. It is for that very reason that He has not returned to wind up this sorry excuse for creation that we keep messing up so grandly!

So I believe that He does have a plan to get the attention of the Muslims and the Jews, the Hindus and the Buddhist, whether, when the offer is made, any of them will be willing to follow Him I do not know. I would suggest that since you are not (yet) in that camp, you choose His camp now and resist the overtures of this sincere but misguided faith!

Pete

 

[bethrow]

I don't like religion because it seems to be all about groups--and isolating others. It was always awkward for me (that's beside the point). Point being: I have faith in God, Jesus, and the holy spirit, so that would make me a Christian in our terms for it. All that Jesus/cross/dying for our sins stuff.

I've been with a wonderful man for 3 and a half years now, and he has faith in God also, but not in Jesus, that he died for us and all. And so, he's not a Christian in our terms for it. I love the guy to pieces. He trusts me like so few can, completely freespirited and unconditional! A truly wonderful person.

But my sister, who is a Christian, says that a Christian cannot marry a non-Christian. Marriage for Christians involves using it to glorify God, so trying to do it with someone who doesn't believe what Christians believe is impossible--it takes two to tango. That's a brief version of what she's been telling me.

Still, I'm skeptical. I believe in our love. I never want to lose it, but if my sister is right about this, I'm disobeying God if I stay with him. I've prayed about it, but still no answer. I totally suck at listening for him. This is driving me crazy, and I really wish I were certain about my position on this because the longer I'm indecisive, the longer I hurt us both, and if I need to break up with him, it's better I do it sooner than later.

Sometimes I feel like I'm still hanging on because I feel like there's got to be SOMETHING out there, supporting us getting married. I just can't see myself letting go of him; we've grown to such an intimate level. I gave a lot of myself to him.

Any thoughts?

It's not wise to marry a non-christian because as you get older and life gets tougher you may decide that you want to further your walk and relationship with the Lord. Take it to a deeper level. Non-Christians may believe in the LORD, but they don't have that personal relationship and when life gets tough for them they don't understand that God can be in control of absolutely everything. All they have is belief when most Christians have received and understand God's unconditional love for them.
Again, one day you may want to deepen your relationship with the Lord and he'll still be sitting just believing. Does this make sense?
I am married to a man who was not a Christian. He goes to church with me and has actually accepted Christ into his heart, but he's not growing. He's even told me that he struggles to believe. I had hoped he would grasp God's love and have that desire and yearning to grow, but he has no desire. He only goes because he has to. It leaves me sad because to him things don't happen because of God, but by coincidence. Satan blinds him. I can see God working all the time, but he can't see it and doesn't every understand my enthusiasm or when I get excited about God. I feel so alone in my marriage.
I'd advise you NOT to marry him. Yes, you love him and yes you have a wonderful relationship, but then you marry and then there is stress from money, kids, jobs...etc. and it becomes a battle because one person is taking it all to God when the other person is trying to take care of everything on their own. This is my marriage. My husband has the nerve to say that our son was not a miracle of God when he knew and prayed with me through the last 4 miscarriages. We were struggling because everytime I'd get pregnant I'd miscarry, but now we have Dylan. He doesn't seem to remember that.
Just pray very very hard for direction because Satan will make you think things are wonderful and that you don't need God.
Be Careful because you can end up lonely, frustrated, sad, angry, and possibly separated or divorced.
I say this all to you because I am really struggling.