I want to get married but I’m afraid of a sexual relationship

[beseiber]

I’m a Christian male aged 24. I love this girl that I’m dating right now. We’ve been together for 2 years and at this point we know and our families know that this is leading toward marriage. She’s my first girlfriend but is everything I’ve wanted. Her dad is a pastor and so she values purity a lot. It hasn’t bothered me; we only hold hands and side hug.

Here’s what’s bothering me. If we get married, then we have to have sex. I am sexually attracted to her. Very much. But I can’t imagine actually being naked with her and having sex. It seems disgusting. I don’t really think it’s a self confidence issue either. It just seems like these couple years of a pure loving relationship without much physical contact will be over. I don’t think I can do it.

I haven’t talked to her or anybody about this. She doesn’t seem to feel this way as she often talks about wanting to get married so she can be a mom. I guess I’m just weird. Anyway, what can I do about this problem?

 

[mkgal1]

I don't believe you're "weird". You've probably heard all sorts of warnings about how "IMpure" sex is....so it's sort of naturally caused you some contempt for it (that's one trouble I see with the purity movement).

It's sort of like how some people are raised with not eating veal (and I don't mean this as a topic for debate....I'm just trying to come up with some sort of comparison)....and they've been indoctrinated from birth about just how awful the calves are treated......and how ethically wrong it is.....and, instead, they have calves as pets throughout their whole childhood. That person isn't usually going to have an appetite for veal....it disgusts them. I know that's not a great comparison.....but it's all I could come up with right now :/

IMO....this is something you SHOULD bring up with your girlfriend. A foundational part of intimacy is the ability to share yourself without the fear of being judged.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

I’m a Christian male aged 24. I love this girl that I’m dating right now. We’ve been together for 2 years and at this point we know and our families know that this is leading toward marriage. She’s my first girlfriend but is everything I’ve wanted. Her dad is a pastor and so she values purity a lot. It hasn’t bothered me; we only hold hands and side hug.

Here’s what’s bothering me. If we get married, then we have to have sex. I am sexually attracted to her. Very much. But I can’t imagine actually being naked with her and having sex. It seems disgusting. I don’t really think it’s a self confidence issue either. It just seems like these couple years of a pure loving relationship without much physical contact will be over. I don’t think I can do it.

I haven’t talked to her or anybody about this. She doesn’t seem to feel this way as she often talks about wanting to get married so she can be a mom. I guess I’m just weird. Anyway, what can I do about this problem?

`You need to see a good Christian counsellor and work with through properly before you make any commitment to her. Sexual is a natural function between husband and wife and it should be fun and satisfying. If you have been influenced by rigid religious views about sex and make it appear dirty and objectionable, then you need good counsel to get rid of those unrealistic and false views. It is not the actual sex that is wrong, because God designed it that way. It is the improper use of it through extra marital sex and adultery that makes it wrong.

 

[Dave G.]

God didn't think it was disgusting when he made Adam and Eve, let them run naked and told them to procreate. He won't think any differently with you and your wife.

 

[Sketcher]

I think you should have a sit-down with a counselor who is well-qualified to deal with sexual dysfunction. One who will respect your values of waiting until marriage. You owe it to this young lady to get that looked at and to work through it and not pop the question until you believe you can enjoy sex with her.

 

[Albion]

I haven’t talked to her or anybody about this. She doesn’t seem to feel this way as she often talks about wanting to get married so she can be a mom. I guess I’m just weird. Anyway, what can I do about this problem?

I don't think it would be right to deceive her until after the wedding, so about the only thing you can do without violating your standards concerning pre-marital sex is to get some good counseling which, in this case, I would think should not be of the religious kind such as with your pastor.

 

[salt-n-light]

I’m a Christian male aged 24. I love this girl that I’m dating right now. We’ve been together for 2 years and at this point we know and our families know that this is leading toward marriage. She’s my first girlfriend but is everything I’ve wanted. Her dad is a pastor and so she values purity a lot. It hasn’t bothered me; we only hold hands and side hug.

Here’s what’s bothering me. If we get married, then we have to have sex. I am sexually attracted to her. Very much. But I can’t imagine actually being naked with her and having sex. It seems disgusting. I don’t really think it’s a self confidence issue either. It just seems like these couple years of a pure loving relationship without much physical contact will be over. I don’t think I can do it.

I haven’t talked to her or anybody about this. She doesn’t seem to feel this way as she often talks about wanting to get married so she can be a mom. I guess I’m just weird. Anyway, what can I do about this problem?

Its new territory, so the nervousness is normal. But the part that you see it as disgusting is a whole different thing and I would have a counselor work with both of you through those thoughts.

 

[Lady Bug]

I have the same problems as you and I'm a lot older than you. I'm single for many reasons, one of them being that I never could get over feeling the "disgusting" aspect even though I have normal sexual desires. It doesn't make any sense.

 

[Persis]

I’m a Christian male aged 24. I love this girl that I’m dating right now. We’ve been together for 2 years and at this point we know and our families know that this is leading toward marriage. She’s my first girlfriend but is everything I’ve wanted. Her dad is a pastor and so she values purity a lot. It hasn’t bothered me; we only hold hands and side hug.

Here’s what’s bothering me. If we get married, then we have to have sex. I am sexually attracted to her. Very much. But I can’t imagine actually being naked with her and having sex. It seems disgusting. I don’t really think it’s a self confidence issue either. It just seems like these couple years of a pure loving relationship without much physical contact will be over. I don’t think I can do it.

I haven’t talked to her or anybody about this. She doesn’t seem to feel this way as she often talks about wanting to get married so she can be a mom. I guess I’m just weird. Anyway, what can I do about this problem?

Beseiber, do you have sexual abuse or molestation in your past ?

 

[AnnaDeborah]

I don't think it would be right to deceive her until after the wedding, so about the only thing you can do without violating your standards concerning pre-marital sex is to get some good counseling which, in this case, I would think should not be of the religious kind such as with your pastor.

I would advise ideally find someone who is both a professional, experienced counsellor AND a Christian. The idea of waiting for marriage is considered so abnormal these days, at lest in the UK and I'm guessing also elsewhere, that a secular counsellor is likely to struggle dealing with that! I've been pressured by my doctor to see a counsellor because it's obviously 'abnormal' for an adult woman not to be sexually active! And a few years back, I went to a different doctor with a medical issue, only to be told my suffering was all in my mind because I had hangups about sex and I should try a couple of one-night stands to cure me. (I insisted on further tests, which showed that the problem was physical and requiring an operation, but you can see why I'm wary of trusting secular professionals now!)

 

[Jenniferdiana]

theres something beautiful about physically touching and bonding with the person you love while making love..haha of course i never had sex (sorry i dont like the word sex) lol if youre not ready or scared to do that , then wait until you are ready..i used to think that too though so i understand, its pretty normal but like i said wait until you are ready and find it less disgusting haha i dont know and you dont do it for pleasure and to stare at each others body, you do it to connect with your partner

 

[Dicran]

I think a lot of people are kinda shy ~ in this area ~ but pretend not to be and just bash ahead ```

If you both are ready to marry ~ do so ~ yeh ~ tell her how you feel ~ she may feel the same way ```

The two of you can work this out together ~ it will be fine, it will be natural, ~ it will go well ~ God be with you ```



Dicran

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

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[Chinchilla]

But I can’t imagine actually being naked with her and having sex. It seems disgusting. I don’t really think it’s a self confidence issue either. I

18 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.

19 [Let her be as] the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.


Hebrews 13:4 - Marriage [is] honourable in all, and the bed undefiled
Genesis 2:24 - Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.


You can have sex in darkness at night to not be ashemed , it's how most Israelites would do .

 

[Dave-W]

ere’s what’s bothering me. If we get married, then we have to have sex. I am sexually attracted to her. Very much. But I can’t imagine actually being naked with her and having sex. It seems disgusting.

That is because you have been taught lies about sexuality.

I haven’t talked to her or anybody about this. She doesn’t seem to feel this way as she often talks about wanting to get married so she can be a mom. I guess I’m just weird. Anyway, what can I do about this problem?

No, you are not weird. You have been fed (probably unconsciously) false information. I suspect that many are in the exact same conundrum, but are not talking about it. It was very prevalent a century ago but thankfully is becoming less. IMO it was the product of a misguided attempt to keep teens from having sex by making it "dirty" and "disgusting."

IMO the best remedy for this is to talk to someone. FOR SURE talk to your gf BEFORE you get engaged; so she is not blindsided when you guys do get married and she ends up in bed with someone who has a problem. She needs to know that up front.

Beyond that, read some good CHRISTIAN books on married sex, and discover the beauty and glory of that. The best antidote to a lie is a large dose of TRUTH.

If that is ineffective, you should consider talking to a christian counselor; BEFORE you get married.