i want to die!

[luvlyme]

I just want to die! I can see no reason for living. my boyfriend was the only person i cared about in this world, he's the only person i've ever loved.... I feel so empty now... I feel so guilty.... I deserve to be punished for what i've pushed him to do. I should be executed without mercy.. I swear i didn't do it on purpose. my boyfriend was alcoholic and i always nagged him to change! he tried his best but couldn't! I know he tried... he told me he went to AA meetings and wanted to take antabuse but he couldnt... after struggling with it for 2months, he committed suicide!!! why did I ever want to change him?? I wanted only for the best of our future but now there is no future... why is fate like that why???? i should have accepted him just the way he is. i should have loved him as he is... If I could just turn back the time, there are so many things i would have done differently.. hate me, scream at me, swear at me. i deserve every possible punishment for the muder i've committed... don't mind me at all.. i'm untrustworthy, unworthy.... i'm just a muderess..! i drive people to suicide..!!

 

[GryffinSong]

Oh, honey, I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Please, please, please get help. Grief counseling of whatever kind feels appropriate. Your feelings of guilt may be natural in the situation, but please, someone who truly wants to kill themselves will find a way to do it. Ultimately, it was his choice, not yours. I know you're feeling that it is, but it is NOT your fault.

Hugs to you, and please find some help in dealing with this.

 

[.chrys.]

I, too, am sorry to hear of your loss. Please know that all the feelings you are having are natural. They demonstrate the feelings of love you have, and are a natural outpouring of that love.

Please, do as GryffinSong suggested and seek grief counseling. It has been very helpful for my family (as we too, suffered a loss via suicide).

Be at peace.

 

[dbot]

my friend, every person on this earth is responsible for their own actions. If your boyfriend killed himself, that is NOT YOUR FAULT. He made the choice to end his life. It was his decision.

As you said you wanted the best for him, and you tried to get him to better himself. What you did, trying to help him with alcoholism, was not murder, but indeed a noble thing.

Please please do as the others have suggested and seek grief counseling. This is obviously an incredibly hard time you're going through, and getting professional help really does make a difference.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Wow. *hug* There was a lot more going on inside than just this.
I'm pretty sure that this would have happened even if he had never known you. But at least he died knowing someone loved and cared for him. You can live with that.

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

I just want to die! I can see no reason for living. my boyfriend was the only person i cared about in this world, he's the only person i've ever loved.... I feel so empty now... I feel so guilty.... I deserve to be punished for what i've pushed him to do. I should be executed without mercy.. I swear i didn't do it on purpose. my boyfriend was alcoholic and i always nagged him to change! he tried his best but couldn't! I know he tried... he told me he went to AA meetings and wanted to take antabuse but he couldnt... after struggling with it for 2months, he committed suicide!!! why did I ever want to change him?? I wanted only for the best of our future but now there is no future... why is fate like that why???? i should have accepted him just the way he is. i should have loved him as he is... If I could just turn back the time, there are so many things i would have done differently.. hate me, scream at me, swear at me. i deserve every possible punishment for the muder i've committed... don't mind me at all.. i'm untrustworthy, unworthy.... i'm just a muderess..! i drive people to suicide..!!

Hon, it's not your fault your boyfriend committed suicide. Alcohol reduces the inhibitions in people so that they are more likely to act on their thoughts, say their thoughts, and not think clearly. He obviously was hurting, but he took his life, not you.

I agree with the post that says grief counseling would be beneficial. Also, you might look for a support group for survivors of suicide.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. Gentle

 

[praying]

I just want to die! I can see no reason for living. my boyfriend was the only person i cared about in this world, he's the only person i've ever loved.... I feel so empty now... I feel so guilty.... I deserve to be punished for what i've pushed him to do. I should be executed without mercy.. I swear i didn't do it on purpose. my boyfriend was alcoholic and i always nagged him to change! he tried his best but couldn't! I know he tried... he told me he went to AA meetings and wanted to take antabuse but he couldnt... after struggling with it for 2months, he committed suicide!!! why did I ever want to change him?? I wanted only for the best of our future but now there is no future... why is fate like that why???? i should have accepted him just the way he is. i should have loved him as he is... If I could just turn back the time, there are so many things i would have done differently.. hate me, scream at me, swear at me. i deserve every possible punishment for the muder i've committed... don't mind me at all.. i'm untrustworthy, unworthy.... i'm just a muderess..! i drive people to suicide..!!

I am sorry for your loss and the pain you are feeling right now.


I can’t say why fate is the way it is but I can say you are not a murderer and you did not drive your boyfriend to suicide. Unfortunately his own issues did this.


You said:

why did I ever want to change him??

And you answered your own question

I wanted only for the best of our future

If you accepted his alcoholism that would not have helped him, or you or your relationship, you did the best possible thing, you talked to him about getting help.

i should have accepted him just the way he is

No; you should not have. You loved him despite his faults and that is wonderful but to love someone is not to enable them and accept their faults without trying to make things better, that isn’t love. That would have eventually destroyed your relationship.

You did the right thing by challenging him to be better.

Perhaps speaking to a grief counselor will help, or going to AlAnon meetings


Here are some numbers you can call:
United Way Crisis Helpline: 1-800-233-HELP (1-800-233-4357)
American Self-Help Clearinghouse - http://www.mentalhelp.net/selfhelp/
(This guide has been developed to act as your starting point for exploring real-life support groups and networks that are available throughout the world and in your community.)
Christian oriented hotline – 1-877-949-HELP (1-877-949-4357)
(If their lines are busy you have to call back. 7pm to 1am EST.)
1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
(This is a secular service. They are capable of dealing with self injury and suicidal ideations or emotional crisis.)

 

[abuselaws1]

if he was an alcoholic, he was already depressed. You are a co-dependent and feel responsible for him now just like you probably felt responsible to try to help him when he was alive.
There is no cure for this except TIME. And you deserve to take all the TIME that you need to get through this tragic moment. Don't let anyone, Christian or otherwise, tell you that you need to focus on something different or this an that. For whatever reason, you are going through this tragedy and you just need time to go through it, understand it, and survive it, and become a testimony on GOD'S TIME and how you moved through this storm to your own happiness.

 

[Tinkerbell33]

It is definately not your fault, your boyfriend probably had issues before he met you and maybe that was why he became an alchoholic. All you did was try to help him, you were there for him and Im sure that he appreciated that and wouldnt want you to blame yourself.

 

[simpletrust]

Oh sweetie... I don't know what to say except it wasn't your fault! You were trying to help him, you were doing a very loving thing. *hugs*

 

[restore]

if he was an alcoholic, he was already depressed. You are a co-dependent and feel responsible for him now just like you probably felt responsible to try to help him when he was alive.

Yea....
But if I were u , i probably will blame and hate self and wanted to die too, it is such a tragedy. Girl, u just need to try hard to find supportive friends at this moment, and live for the hope for God.
cuz God does not want u die , no matter what has happened!
U r a child of God, live for Him!
Be brave!

 

[JoshuaM]

I just want to die! I can see no reason for living. my boyfriend was the only person i cared about in this world, he's the only person i've ever loved.... I feel so empty now... I feel so guilty.... I deserve to be punished for what i've pushed him to do. I should be executed without mercy.. I swear i didn't do it on purpose. my boyfriend was alcoholic and i always nagged him to change! he tried his best but couldn't! I know he tried... he told me he went to AA meetings and wanted to take antabuse but he couldnt... after struggling with it for 2months, he committed suicide!!! why did I ever want to change him?? I wanted only for the best of our future but now there is no future... why is fate like that why???? i should have accepted him just the way he is. i should have loved him as he is... If I could just turn back the time, there are so many things i would have done differently.. hate me, scream at me, swear at me. i deserve every possible punishment for the muder i've committed... don't mind me at all.. i'm untrustworthy, unworthy.... i'm just a muderess..! i drive people to suicide..!!

It's not your fault. You tried to help him. It is easy to blame self in these situations and easy to fall into the same trap as those we cared about did. I had a similar situation happen in my own life, and I've been where you have. I come from a family that has had a lot of alcoholics. If a person is addicted to alcohol, there is a deeper problem. If a person is an abuser, there is also a strong possibility they have been abused. When alcohol is an escape, and abuse is the expression, there are mental and emotional issues happening. Do not blame yourself for this. And since you loved him, the best thing to do is continue to live your life. Live your life away from alcohol, be the positive example he was trying to be. Live a full life and love. Continue to love your neighbor and show Christ's love. Make sure to talk to some Christian sisters about your struggles right now. Perhaps getting some Christian counsel and having some people pray over you would be a good idea. You are not alone in these types of situations, nor in depression. You are young and have a life ahead of you.