I want to believe but I can't

[MrsAlmeida2012]

My name is Jessie. My husband and I were married in January. I was raised atheist, my parents want nothing to do with Christianity. My husband was raised Christian to an extent- he was always told about Jesus, but his divorced parents never actually enforced it and took him to church.

My first day of kindergarten, I met this girl named Shayna. She and her entire family were/are wonderful, sensitive, faithful Christians. Even as a small child, I always wished I had her family, as mine would openly mock anyone who believed. Shayna and I grew apart once we hit puberty; she took the narrow road and I took the broad. Even still, she and her family were always there for me and knew my heart like my parents never did. I always wanted to have a Christian family, but never had the chance to learn about Jesus because my parents would have flipped. Fast forward through some partying, drunk, deflowering years, and I met my now husband.

Once I started dating him, I knew I would marry him someday. Well, we were being stupid and reckless and ended up pregnant 7 months into our relationship. Go figure. We ended up marrying January 2012. He is an awesome dad to our son and an awesome husband to me now. But a few months ago, things were really bad, we were drinking, smoking weed, watching all kinds of horror movies, getting drunk and going to concerts(only when our son wasn't around). His mom and I got into a petty argument and my husband chose his mother before me, when I didn't even give him an ultimatum. He kicked me out of our home and his mother wouldn't let me have our son back (she was watching him overnight when he and I got into the huge fight over my argument with his mom). They took everything from me. He kept my car to drive to work and back, on the key ring was my house key, I wasn't allowed to come home, I wasn't allowed to have our son. I had no money, as my husband kept me on an allowance since he was the one working while I stayed home with our son and took care of everything here. I had nothing.

Finally, I came to a realization that we can't just be "christians" because we believe there is a god. We have to devote our lives to serving the Lord and love Him and praise Him at his feet! I told him what was in my heart, that he needed to be the spiritual head of the household if I'm expected to submit to him. We went to Christian marriage counseling with our now pastor, things smoothed over, it helped a lot. We became involved in our church, I'm in the choir and a women's Bible study and help in the daycare on weekends. My husband helps in the daycare too, and is in a men's book club at the church. He has made a complete 180 since he was saved and he is such a good man to me. He has patience, love, respect, kindness in his heart now, where he never did before, especially for me. I am so in love with my husband that it hurts sometimes. He's my best friend, my encourager, my protector, my provider, and my lover. I will never choose to be without him.

The problem is that I feel like I'm just pretending to believe in God. I wanted this, we're happy and healthy now, my husband is happy. This is what I wanted. Now that I have what I wanted, I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I have knelt in the corner of the empty sanctuary at our church and begged, cried, pleaded for Jesus to save me. I have admitted that I'm a sinner and given praise for the sacrifice of the Son. I have prayed for forgiveness, I have repented with my whole heart. I so badly want to believe in Christ, our Savior, in God himself! I just can't. I have been seeking and seeking and seeking and praying and begging and repenting and aching to find my faith in the Lord. But there's always a part of me that thinks these things:

Why would a good god demand we worship him? Wouldn't a good god be humble and turn away worship? Why is my husband so sure when I'm the one who wanted this change and I can't believe? When I pray, why do I feel stupid, like no one is listening? Why can't god just give me a sign that he's there so I can let myself believe and serve? Why do I feel like I'm playing dress-up every time I go to the church (I'm there 4 days a week)? There must not be a god if I've been truly seeking him for 6 months and still don't feel any different.

Does anyone have any advice? I feel like a liar and a fake and a bad wife. I am desparate to really believe. I want to so badly. Every day, I grow sadder and every day I grow further apart from my husband. I'm afraid to tell him. I get so angry with him for coming home and telling me about his day, the things God did for him, his answered prayers. I get angry with him each night for suggesting we read from the Bible, when I was the one who wanted to do it. I got angry with him for throwing out all of our DVDs and not allowing me to watch anything but G rated tv or whatever. I get angry with him for tuning the car radio to a Christian station with just sermons and no music EVERY TIME WE'RE IN THE CAR. I am very disgustingly angry with him because I just found out that he's fasting.

Why do I feel this way? I don't want to feel this way.

 

[asiyreh]

Hi Mr's A. I suppose you should have been told that when you repented of your sins you weren't just turning away from your sin; but toward Christ.

I don't know if you mentioned you have kids, but think of a small child saying to his parents, I want to... ammm climb this 15 foot wall. Now you as a parent know that's potentially very dangerous.

Like a child the Father sees the dangerous in your life. See you're not submitting to Christ, like a slave he intends to abuse. Your submitting your will to him because he sees ahead of you in time, he knows what's best for your life.

There was a clever poster in one of our churches, it said:- is Christ your co pilot? If so maybe you better change seats...

You've got a little of that rebellion left in you, haven't you? Be honest with yourself.

Give it up. It's rebellion that got us all here in the first place. Consider the story of Adam and Eve as a parable for a second. God says k guys just do as I say, everything will go fine, I manage everything and happy days. But no we want to do it our own way and look at the place. Look at it!...

The fabric of heaven and earth is constructed by God. It responds to his nature, that's why no created thing can oppose God's will, this creation responds to his very nature. If you do something opposite to God's will this universe will most likely reach out and give you a slap. Call it karma, or you reap what you sow. But basically it has to be his will, has to be. To oppose Christ's will is to oppose creation itself, to oppose your own spirit created in his image.

Just exhale... and give it up to Christ. He's very loving; don't be afraid. He will chasten you in life, but as a father to his daughter.

Good luck and God bless Mr's A.

 

[HEsTiLLALiVe]

You sound really confused and I can understand. However, you need to personally search your own heart and discover do you want GOD or just a form of godliness?!?
(see 2 Tim 3:1-5)
Now I could give you a whole sermon but I don't believe that is what is asked for in your situation. But I must rebuke, in love, that wrong thinking about GOD demanding worship. HE just will not do that!!!! At least not the GOD I serve who is the Creator of all things.
(see John 1:3)
HE's so perfect there's no searching it out sister.
(see Eccl 11:5)
Because in fact if GOD demanded worship, HE wouldn't be GOD, he would be satan. But THANK YAH, HE's NOT, HE's just so VERY GOOD, He deserves and is worthy to be worshipped at ALL times just as He desires.
(see Rev 4:11)
Now let's look at True humility or humbleness. Having wicked, foolish man, forsake your one command, that would seperate the perfect relationship and knowledge of an ALL-KNOWING, PERFECT LOVING, MERCIFUL Creator and HIS created's perfect fellowship with HIM, to Wrap Himself in this fallen flesh, without sin and die openly for the sins of mankind for all the whole world to mock then and even now without as much even thinking to come down or jus say a word and destory everything and everyone when HE was at Calvary but didn't. Knowing HE took our place so we could be placed in HIM to go to HIS place.
(see 1 John 3:8)
(see Col. 2:15)
If that's not humble, what is!??! There is no one like our YAH, for HE is the TRUE and eternal King. And regardless of what everyone under YAH's throne is worshipping; it's just a matter of who. If you are seriously wanting a right relationship ask FATHER YAH for biblical salvation.With that said here's some scripture to meditate on:
(James 2:19)
(Heb. 11:6)
(Num. 23:19)
(Matt. 6:5-7)
(John 4:24)
(Isaiah 55:9)
(John 14:13-15)
(1 Thess 5:16-18)
(John 1:3)
(Isaiah 29:13)
(Gal. 6:9)
(Joshua 24:15)

P.S. You should never be mad at your husband for fasting, He might be fasting for you, think about that.
(see Mat 17:20-21 & 1 Cor. 7:5) and be blessed.

 

[Calebt]

Oh sister! Remember the Father and Jesus Christ love, love, love you so much! They just want your love and they want a loving relationship with you!!! Then that little mouse will come with deceivements such as that - he corrupts the word worship in your mind! He will corrupt everything and make you feel silly and all these things! Remember that that little mouse - the devil who I always call a little mouse is always up to his tricks especially on Christians. The best way to deal with him is to IGNORE!!! If anything that does not feel right comes into your mind or heart - know it's that little mouse! There is no guilt or condemnation in Christ Jesus or our Father!!! Oh Father bless this sister here!!! Let her have wisdom to deal with this and show her the love and compassion which you have shown everyone without limit! Praise the LORD! Amen! Thank you LORD, thank you Jesus who came into the world, died for all of our sins so we may all have a chance to live in paradise - the Kingdom of God and have eternal life forever and ever!

 

[timf]

Why do I feel this way? I don't want to feel this way.

To be a Christian is to trust in Jesus. The English word "believe" is from the Greek word pistis. The word is better translated faith or trust.

The Christian life is about becoming like Jesus.

To be more like Jesus, we have to grow in love.

To grow in love, we need to grow in selflessness.

To grow in selflessness, we need to walk in he Spirit.

To walk in the Spirit, we need humility.

To have humility, we need truth.

God is truth, the Bible is truth, Jesus is truth. If we abide (live) in the words of Jesus, we are His disciples indeed and we will know the truth and the truth will set us free.

You are not as alone as you might feel. God loves you and wants you to grow in wisdom and understanding. If you ask for wisdom He will give it to you. He lives in you and wants you to surrender yourself more and more to Him for His work inside of you.

The closer you come to God, the closer He will come to you. You do not have to make yourself worthy for God, you just have to bring him your honest heart. Consider the Pharisee and the tax collector in Luke 18.

 

[steve_bakr]

My name is Jessie. My husband and I were married in January. I was raised atheist, my parents want nothing to do with Christianity. My husband was raised Christian to an extent- he was always told about Jesus, but his divorced parents never actually enforced it and took him to church.

My first day of kindergarten, I met this girl named Shayna. She and her entire family were/are wonderful, sensitive, faithful Christians. Even as a small child, I always wished I had her family, as mine would openly mock anyone who believed. Shayna and I grew apart once we hit puberty; she took the narrow road and I took the broad. Even still, she and her family were always there for me and knew my heart like my parents never did. I always wanted to have a Christian family, but never had the chance to learn about Jesus because my parents would have flipped. Fast forward through some partying, drunk, deflowering years, and I met my now husband.

Once I started dating him, I knew I would marry him someday. Well, we were being stupid and reckless and ended up pregnant 7 months into our relationship. Go figure. We ended up marrying January 2012. He is an awesome dad to our son and an awesome husband to me now. But a few months ago, things were really bad, we were drinking, smoking weed, watching all kinds of horror movies, getting drunk and going to concerts(only when our son wasn't around). His mom and I got into a petty argument and my husband chose his mother before me, when I didn't even give him an ultimatum. He kicked me out of our home and his mother wouldn't let me have our son back (she was watching him overnight when he and I got into the huge fight over my argument with his mom). They took everything from me. He kept my car to drive to work and back, on the key ring was my house key, I wasn't allowed to come home, I wasn't allowed to have our son. I had no money, as my husband kept me on an allowance since he was the one working while I stayed home with our son and took care of everything here. I had nothing.

Finally, I came to a realization that we can't just be "christians" because we believe there is a god. We have to devote our lives to serving the Lord and love Him and praise Him at his feet! I told him what was in my heart, that he needed to be the spiritual head of the household if I'm expected to submit to him. We went to Christian marriage counseling with our now pastor, things smoothed over, it helped a lot. We became involved in our church, I'm in the choir and a women's Bible study and help in the daycare on weekends. My husband helps in the daycare too, and is in a men's book club at the church. He has made a complete 180 since he was saved and he is such a good man to me. He has patience, love, respect, kindness in his heart now, where he never did before, especially for me. I am so in love with my husband that it hurts sometimes. He's my best friend, my encourager, my protector, my provider, and my lover. I will never choose to be without him.

The problem is that I feel like I'm just pretending to believe in God. I wanted this, we're happy and healthy now, my husband is happy. This is what I wanted. Now that I have what I wanted, I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I have knelt in the corner of the empty sanctuary at our church and begged, cried, pleaded for Jesus to save me. I have admitted that I'm a sinner and given praise for the sacrifice of the Son. I have prayed for forgiveness, I have repented with my whole heart. I so badly want to believe in Christ, our Savior, in God himself! I just can't. I have been seeking and seeking and seeking and praying and begging and repenting and aching to find my faith in the Lord. But there's always a part of me that thinks these things:

Why would a good god demand we worship him? Wouldn't a good god be humble and turn away worship? Why is my husband so sure when I'm the one who wanted this change and I can't believe? When I pray, why do I feel stupid, like no one is listening? Why can't god just give me a sign that he's there so I can let myself believe and serve? Why do I feel like I'm playing dress-up every time I go to the church (I'm there 4 days a week)? There must not be a god if I've been truly seeking him for 6 months and still don't feel any different.

Does anyone have any advice? I feel like a liar and a fake and a bad wife. I am desparate to really believe. I want to so badly. Every day, I grow sadder and every day I grow further apart from my husband. I'm afraid to tell him. I get so angry with him for coming home and telling me about his day, the things God did for him, his answered prayers. I get angry with him each night for suggesting we read from the Bible, when I was the one who wanted to do it. I got angry with him for throwing out all of our DVDs and not allowing me to watch anything but G rated tv or whatever. I get angry with him for tuning the car radio to a Christian station with just sermons and no music EVERY TIME WE'RE IN THE CAR. I am very disgustingly angry with him because I just found out that he's fasting.

Why do I feel this way? I don't want to feel this way.

Jessie, some of what you are experiencing may be your old atheist "tapes" replaying in your mind. But, also, you should know that you cannot judge God's presence by your feelings. Feelings come and go. If you think you can't believe right now, just start with being willing to believe.

You also have to consider that destructive forces may be at work here. You now have the life you've always wanted, but something working in you wants to destroy it. You must rely on your willingness to believe, and not let that happen.

I would also recommend individual Christian counseling, so you can get help on preventing that destructive force from destroying your marriage.

 

[Peripatetic]

Welcome! I'm sorry that you're going through this difficult time, but you aren't alone. Many Christian seekers struggle with expectations (both personal and in the family context). There is no rule that says you have to have a big, transcendental moment where you become saved. Many of us have grown in our faith over time, with lots of ups and downs. So my first piece of advice would be to take it one day at a time and don't put so much pressure on yourself to find and identify a specific kind of belief within you.

Secondly, I would advise balance in your lifestyle changes. Throwing out all of your DVDs and eliminating music in the car may be too much, and could cause burnout in your husband as well. Most Christians still enjoy secular movies and music. Christian maturity should lead us away from excess and the edges of some boundaries, but it should end up with moderation and balance, not isolation from the world.

 

[dcb1101]

Mrs. Almeida,
Thank you for sharing your story and concerns with us. You grew up atheist and had that belief engrained in you for years. 'Wanting' to believe in God is wonderful, but it can be very hard to get the old beliefs out of your subconscious. God is great and all powerful. However Satan is powerful as well. Satan knows that he is loosing his grasp on you and your family so he will try much harder to pull you back.
The hard part for many people is that 'wanting' to believe isn't enough. God is not going to make everything wonderfuly perfect and happy in your life so that your life will be peach as long as you want to believe in Him. Life is full of trials. You have to find out what it is keeping you back. I strongly suggest you share these concerns with your Pastor and allow him to talk with you to help you get on the right path.

Being involved in the Church is great, but I agree that you may be just going through the motions. I don't mean that negatively towards you, Its easy to get carried away thinking 'doing the work' and being busy in the Church will grow you closer to God. It can, but only if your heart is right first.
There's a article online that I think would help you, but I'm fairly new here so I cant post links yet. Google: Renewed Strength What are you seeking


Prayers for you!

 

[savedbygracebre]

First off-surround yourself with some very upbeat and helpful books(of course the Bible is a must). Joseph Prince has a great book called Destined to Reign(I know it will help because I too struggled with trying to "perform" for God and this book REALLY HELPED)! Max Lucado is good, Billy Graham, Bob George - the list is endless. God can really speak thru these people to deliver just the Words you need. So many times in my life I have faced a roadblock in my Christian walk that one of these books helped me to see the err of my ways and turn back to the TRUTH. Also as far as listening to sermons instead of music and all of the other "religous" type of behavior-it would be good to express to your spouse that these things are making things hard on you at the moment. If he is TRULY SAVED then you should be able to share ANYTHING with him and he should understand and pray for you and SUPPORT you! Sounds like you could use plenty of prayers and support huh?

 

[Calebt]

People think you have to work to gain God's love. God loves you. Let's just say that with a big full stop on the end. The devil hates you but he hates God, well, he hates everything I guess so he will do any and everything to pull you down. Know this though, well I say it like that - I mean it softly and lovingly, God has a time for you. He is the maker of all! He knows the exact date you will turn to Him - if you keep seeking Him out. He knows when all of this will be lifted off of someone going through a crisis of faith. What we can do in these situations is pray, ask the LORD and when you ask - ask with no doubt, ask like you asked for something as a child - Please, mum! Please, I need this! That persistence coupled with love behind each word. For me, the only thing I can understand about God is His love - I understand that He loves me so much that he sent Jesus into the world to die for us. That is pretty heavy. The maker of all of this - loves us this much! Pray and yo, if you want someone to talk to, sister - I'm here! I've been through drug addiction, anger, sleeping around, all this stuff - man, I was in two fights - one fight I fought Police officers and another where I was bashed! All of this stuff is in the past, it stays there. It does not resurface because all of that has been put away through Christ! No guilt, no condemnation in our Lord and Saviour, Jesus! Amen!

 

[1watchman]

Wow! There is much good counsel here, Mrs. A. I hope you will seek a personal relationship with the Lord Jesus ---God's beloved Son and our only Redeemer. Trust Him and make Him your best Friend, and you will then be "born again" by the Holy Spirit coming in to you. Walk and talk with the Lord and you will also want to hear Bible ministry given, as you said your husband desires. Keep looking up to God!