I want OUT. I want to DIE.

a7x said:

Actually, the thing is, whenever I posted here in this thread, it was always after a suicide attempt. I've done it before many years ago and I knew I wasn't going to do it.. but to be on the edge of the blade, or a cliff, it really messes with your head.

I thank EACH and EVERY one of you: you are in my prayers. Truly.

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what was your wife's biggest dream?

If we were neighbors, I'd sit and talk quietly with you, or do some of your chores for you.

Edit: Whoops posted in wrong thread. my bad

One thing you must remember is that our FATHER loves us with unconditional love so we have nothing to worry or fear. Second you can doo all things through christ who strgenthens you so when you get down just look to the hills for your blessings and they will happen. Anytime you need a prayer of good word let me know bless you and may you stay strong in the LORD

i think, you know you dont want to actually jump of a clif, you are wanting rid of the pain that is in you emotional. have you thought of seeking counsling? for sometime to want to die and think about suicide, is not normal even if a love one dies.
you really need to call a professional and get some help, they could be so much help to you.

I have learnt alot in life, and i lost my wife through divorce, not the same i know, but i want to talk on basic terms, you need to get you focus back either beleiving in Jesus or not, you need to get yourself back on the track of life, you will get sympathy from everyone, but that is not going to help you at this time. i will post another time, but get focus, email me if you want. P.s do not listen to heavy metal bands at this time either they will not help. Cheers walking on a wire.

dude,

I am still alive till today. I had the same problem as you do though we havent married but i decided that she be my beloved wife.

I am struggling like you too. You arent alone. Focus on God, Seek God. Death is not the end.

I know how you feel. I had it too. Voices coming in flooding into your mind. Dun believe all those voices. Yes i had it too. I know u are havin headaches. Just pray. Pray when you dun feel like praying. It helps the most. Just remember, Seek God's kingdom and He will see that He fulfilled your desire.

Shalom

a7x said:

many things run through my mind, replaying my past in 8-bit timeframes, and thinking why God would ever want me in those situations and how they would come to conform me into the person He wants me to be...

and right now, I have no clue, but I do have this assurance.. that I am alive because of His mercy and for His grace, I want to show Him my thanks. But of course, this is the heart speaking. My mind, on the other hand, is formulating devious plans, plotting on the potential what-if's, and the what not's, and trying to rationalize whatever outcome may come from my insanity.

I am wondering if I could ever love again. I'm like a dog; aside from the notion that men are all 'dogs', I am referring to the loyalty that one can have for His master. Although I am not implying that my wife was my master, I loved her with all my heart... and I would feel guilty to ever love another woman again. Now, tell me this is NOT insane because.. this is not anything that would apply to a man's character. I see girls walking in my direction and saying 'Hi', but I simply ignore them, not out of spite, but simply because I have no interest in them.

anyhow, I feel so alone. No matter how many people comfort me with their quotes from the Bible and their good advice and life experiences, I feel like I'm the only one in this world.

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it's ok to grieve cause you two were one flesh and as the feeling of seperation consumes you, it's like being alone in this world. But that feeling won't stay forever.
It's completly understandable that you would not be inerested in others.
Your not insane, just confused and living on pure emotion.
Most people go through the what if's and some guilt over regrets and it pains them to think that they will never find happines.
But God is not a God of the past, but the God of your future. He is your hope.

Of course you are alone in your world of without her- but look up.There is hope everyday when the sun rises.Everyday you gain strength a little by little to carry on.
Glorify your Lord for giving her to you for the time she had here on earth.
Cherish your memories with her- Let them be of goodness in your life as you learn to live on.
You must now learn to walk on your own now.Like a child afraid to fall and insecure about what will happen next. But you will walk, one day.And He shall be your strength, and support for when you stumble.

a7x said:

Actually, the thing is, whenever I posted here in this thread, it was always after a suicide attempt. I've done it before many years ago and I knew I wasn't going to do it.. but to be on the edge of the blade, or a cliff, it really messes with your head.

I thank EACH and EVERY one of you: you are in my prayers. Truly.

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suicide: I am very familiar with that.
How you try and test yourself to see if you have the courage to do it, but your scared and all you want is to fall asleep peacefully and wake up and stop hurting and breathe in assurance before the day.

I know that feeling very well.

I swam those waters and found it was so deep that it had no bottom.
I chastized myself into doing it,wrists,pills, alternatives...
But no matter how dramatic my deciscion was...I knew I wanted to live and that I was a child in a tantrum.The torment of memories and living in the past was eating me and causing me to have scar tissue in my soul. I hated not having control over my feelings.Then it hit me that I will never get what I wanted ,and by living in the past, it prevented me from having a future.

A future.

How funny that sounded to me. To hear of happiness was just a word to me...a word I both desperately wanted and hated. I thought if I just not feel at all I would be ok. But the more I tried to deaden my heart I was feeling more pain, and plunging deeper. Too deep that others couldn't reach me.

At some point, I don't know when...for I lost track of time and time itself I think...but inside myself I prayed ....just let me breathe...once more...please...I don't want to be here ...alone...someone....anyone..help.

I had prayed in my soul....and looked up......someone was coming to my rescue.....someone that could swim to me where others couldn't reach.......no matter how deep I was...he wouldn't give up...without me.

I think when I "surfaced" and finally "breathed"........I cried.....everything in me cried..........I want to live....I want to live...please ...

teach me to live again........I don't know how.....I forgotten how...

He held me as I cried ...please..my head....it hurts, so bad.

I knew, that of all the persons that could stop the hurt...it was him.

My saviour......the one person that went deeper than any man had ever gone or could ever go.......gotten himself out. Only He, could understand.....and only He, knew how to teach me to live.

That man.......is my hero.......Jesus Christ.

It took time, but I learned and believed and applied. I trained my thoughts to focus on whatsoever is good and lovely; and I put into captivity the ones that held all bitterness. With His teaching I have a well-formed mind. Now all the things I was subject to, are now subject to me. I am victorious.
I am free.

So when it seems that you are alone and unreachable in depths of despair, remember to look up and take hold of that living hope that reaches for you, and never let go.

If thou prepare thine heart, and stretch out thine hands toward him;
If iniquity be in thine hand, put it far away, and let not wickedness dwell in thy tabernacles.
For then shalt thou lift up thy face without spot; yea, thou shalt ve stedfast, and shalt not fear:
Because thou shalt forget thy misery, and remember it as waters that pass away:
And thine age shall be clearer than the noonday; thou shalt shine forth, thou shalt be as the morning.
And thou shalt ne secure, because there is hope; yea, thou shalt dig about thee, and thou shalt take thy rest in safety.
Job 11 : 13 - 18

you can do that anyway
i guess you will get many ups and downs..you have a long walk ahead,I hope it willbe revealed to you why this had to be
big hugs for you

a7x said:

I.... want to thank you for all your support.

I realized... in my lucid drunken state, that I am not the owner of my life and that I do not have the right to treat it as such... as my own. I never did have enough courage to take 'my life', nor did I truly want to... in a way.

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There's nothing more terrible to endure than losing someone you love. I'm so pleased that we could be helpful to you in any way.

If we were neighbors, I'd invite you all to dinner and treat you to some of the finer things in life.

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We are neighbors, if virtual ones, so what's for virtual dinner, a7x?









Seriously, a7x, a penny for your thoughts!

a7x said:

I never did have enough courage to take 'my life', nor did I truly want to... in a way.

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I'm glad you're getting yourself on the right track. It's encouraging. Let's be clear on this point though: there's nothing courageous about taking your own life. It's a pitiable waste of something infinitely valuable. Anyway, keep going. Just keep trusting. He'll come through. This is going to make you stronger and closer to understanding the depth of his love. I'm proud of how far you've come.

a7x said:

liver with some fava beans

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sounds exotic

hmm i have realized some things in my life dealing with junk that has drove me nuts. basically...life is the biggest test of our faith...we gotta endure to the end. then we shall be saved. saved from ourselves, saved from this hellhole earth can be sometimes. i realize the older i get...once something seems to get better, somethings else turns to c-r-a-p. i dwell on the bad things that happen. and i forget the good things i do have. sometimes you seriously have to think, "what good has happened to me today." just to get through the day. i find myself getting extremely rageous and swearing and yelling because i just can't take the bs life throws at me sometimes. makes ya think there's a conspiracy against me sometimes. well, there IS. there is a conspiracy against every single one of us. a conspiracy to steal kill and distroy. to lead you away from God. to throw every single lie at you to make you trust in God less, to rely on God less, to love Him less. I have to smack myself sometimes to see the truth. And go, "geeze what the heck is wrong with me...why am I so blind sometimes?" I just don't see it sometimes. God is there...but so is the enemy. We forget about the enemy a lot. We forget about the enemy more than we forget about God sometimes. When stuff goes wrong, who do we blame first? God or the enemy? Or even ourselves? Sad isn't it. It's the truth. I think our biggest problem is NOT puttin God first. I notice it in my life. After a long tiring day that I have just longed to bring me some joy but it had evaded me...I lay down on the couch and I feel so needy...I need God..I need his grace, mercy, and love. And this feeling comes over me I can't explain that makes me almost want to cry...but it has hope in it and it makes me worship and thank God. Because I realize it's only He that can allow any good in my life. I'm far from suicidal, but I do say, "Lord, just take me home." sometimes because I just hate the constant attacks from life and the enemy. But if you understand what it is...it can bring joy because we know that we are IN THE RIGHT PLACE with God. Because we wouldn't be under attack if we weren't right with God. Sometimes I think it messes with our heads and we think we are bad Christians because we aren't being "blessed" like we think we should. We are blessed more than we will ever know. Sometimes we are oblivious to what God is doing in us. I'll be literally sitting in my car, spaced out going, "Why does everything have to turn to c-r-a-p and nothing ever go right?" while I just barely miss hitting the guardrail. Who knows how many times in my absentmindedness I could have gotten myself killed because I wasn't paying attention and I was too busy complaining. Gotta love the times I'm running around the house yelling, "Where the $@%#! are my keys?" And saying every cussword in the book. Then I end up finding them like 10 minutes later while I'm still yelling. I guess I need to be more grateful and not so easily angered. Some fruits of the spirit I have, some I need to let God grow in me. But...life is hard. We gotta endure till the end. I walk down the street just thinking of all the junk that has happened to me...all the big and little things that have added up...and I realize...this is what it is to be a human. We have to deal with this for the rest of our lives. This is why we will have such a great place in heaven with the Lord. No angel will ever have to go through what we will. We have to wander in the darkness and if we are lucky, we find Jesus (or, HE FINDS US). You know, I could have grown up in an atheist family and never accepting Christ. This extremely scary thought alone reminds me how thankful and grateful I should be for my prescious salvation. THANK YOU JESUS! I will keep fighting the fight. Praise the Lord for the Christian music I have. God has used music to be a comforter to me. He speaks to me through the emotion and lyrics. If it wasnt' for that, I'd probably not want to live. I KNOW I should should put GOD first. I have to watch out not to even make that an idol. Praise the Lord.

AMEN

a7x said:

i'm not going to lie.... as much as it might seem evident to most of you, i really am going under. it's almost as if i'm lying to myself, when i clearly know that i'm not okay... and it just makes things worse. i can't help it. the worst thing is that, i know what i have to do... but i just can't put myself up to it..

i've always been oppressed by my past- they taunt me. just how the way things are, and the way that I am is a constant reminder of where i've come from and what i've been through. my life.... is a broken record, or a figment of someone's imagination. i feel alone... not that i don't have friends or family, but their companionship is of no use. i should seek help, but i know it won't help me. God is the only solution and I MUST trust in Him.... but He's making this a bit more difficult than I could handle.

Life is nothing but a lucid dream.....

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I believe you
It is so hard it almost looks imposible,God is silent and distant,people
are just in your way,and the one you want is not there
I would think of death constantly in your place
I would not want to kill myself,but hope for the end..fast
I have no comfort to offer you,nothing to cheer you up,no hope
Trust in God is good,He is there for sure,I hope you will manage
to get through this

a7x said:

i'm not going to lie.... as much as it might seem evident to most of you, i really am going under. it's almost as if i'm lying to myself, when i clearly know that i'm not okay... and it just makes things worse. i can't help it. the worst thing is that, i know what i have to do... but i just can't put myself up to it..

i've always been oppressed by my past- they taunt me. just how the way things are, and the way that I am is a constant reminder of where i've come from and what i've been through. my life.... is a broken record, or a figment of someone's imagination. i feel alone... not that i don't have friends or family, but their companionship is of no use. i should seek help, but i know it won't help me. God is the only solution and I MUST trust in Him.... but He's making this a bit more difficult than I could handle.

Life is nothing but a lucid dream.....

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I'm praying for you still friend. I have faith in God, and I think it's great that you still turn to God and trust in Him.

I can't for the life of me remember where I heard this phrase, but anyway the phrase stood out so much to me that I'm going to share it with you. "You can't judge your future by your past."