I want a Baby and My spouse does not? What to do?

[Pugluv]

My husband is 52 and I am 34, We have been married for 9 years, We dicussed this before we got married, and I thought I would be fine with this, But 9 years later, I have changed, grown up and Not sure if it is hormones or what, But the THought of Having baby, or never having a baby is driving me crazy.

My husband has 3 adult kids from Previous marriage, One duaghter that will not call or have anything to do with either parent, One son, that Took his Life 5 years ago, and other son he is close to , had cancer growing up(they did not know if he would even make it past 14), that was heartbreaking and he is an adult now with 2 kids, and is an alcoholic, which is very heartbreaking as well to my husband.
There is now a 5 year old Grandduaghter and a newborn Grandson, from his son (he is close to).
I understand My husband point, he has had a lot of heartbreak with his kids and Considering his age and the way this world is, Having a child is not what he wants.

Sometimes I think he is being very selfish, OR is it me being Selfish?

I have never felt So sad and so Wanting a baby, My heart just hurts, and I do not know what to do or how to accept how I feel now. I fell in love with a Man older than me that does not want to have kids. I not knowing, how it would effect my life, Sacrificed at young age, a future of a family and kids, the most Purest, precious Love and gift from God a person could have. I love and respect my husband with all my heart, and I know the Lord put us together but never knew, I would feel this way. I wish my husband could understand me and want this to, but as we talk about it, It is clear, he absotluly is against having a baby.

Any advice would be apprecaited.

 

[fuzzymel]

Sometimes I think he is being very selfish, OR is it me being Selfish?

Sorry you are going through this. Just quoted the above because neither of you are selfish. You both have very valid reasons. Unfortunately in this situation there is no winners.

I don't really have any advise. I could be in a similar situation one day if my husband decided he wanted children. My only thoughts now are if the situation came up is I would let him leave even though it would kill me inside.

 

[Pugluv]

Thanks for the reply, Well i could never leave my husband, I love him to much, He did mention If I felt that strongly, that maybe we should not be together, so I could find someone younger that would want kids, but This is just ridicioous Option for me, My husband is the love of my life and I cannot see myself with anyone other than him.

 

[gracepaints]

I would maybe go to a counselor and see if you can talk it out. His points are valid, but he also doesn't know what it is like to be a woman who has been denied to chance to have a child.

 

[Leanna]

I agree with gracefaith about the counselor, maybe he can help you guys see each other's viewpoints. This is my morbid thought, and I'm sorry for sharing it but if it were me this is what I would be thinking.... he's gone to be gone long before you (he is so much older the chances are great), and I think its unfair for him to ask you not to have any children and be alone for so many years after he is gone. It would be really nice to at least have a child to visit sometimes. But then I am the sort that would hate being alone and I hope that my husband lives a long and healthy life with me

 

[heart of peace]

This sounds like a very difficult situation to be in. It could be that your biological clock is ticking much because of the fact that having kids is a natural progression in life according to society. Or it could be a real desire placed in your spirit by God. Is your marriage one based on Godly principals? By that I mean are you both actively involved in a church?

I ask this because I suggest fasting and praying about this situation to reveal God's will for your life and marriage. There is a purpose as to why you two have been brought together as husband and wife. Asking for God to reveal this to you is a great place to start from here.

 

[JBJoe]

Any advice would be apprecaited.

Afraid I don't really have any advice here. I do agree with the other posts in here that you should consider counseling, but honestly I don't think it will change much. I can empathize with your husbands position a little and don't think that selfishness is the primary motivating factor for either position.

From your husband's perspective: he has already been through 3 babies. He probably remembers what having a baby is like. He's 52, he doesn't move as well or as quickly as he did when he was 29.

If you got pregnant now, he would be 53 when the baby was born and probably 72 when the child graduates from high school. All this child would ever know of him was the twilight of his life. To some men, like me, this is very important. I myself wanted all my children before I was 35. That way I could see them through college before retiring and living through the health issues of my senior years.

 

[Diane_Windsor]

My husband is 52 and I am 34, We have been married for 9 years, We dicussed this before we got married, and I thought I would be fine with this . . .

Sometimes I think he is being very selfish, OR is it me being Selfish?

I wish my husband could understand me and want this to, but as we talk about it, It is clear, he absotluly is against having a baby.

Any advice would be apprecaited.

Since the two of you discussed this prior to marriage the precedent has been set. I firmly believe that both marital spouses should want to have a baby, and since your husband "absolutely" does not want another child then I don't think you should push him.

There are many ways for you to have children in your life. For instance, you could volunteer in a Sunday School class, babysit for other parents, etc. You could also perhaps seek marital counseling.

No, I don't think that either of you are being selfish.

 

[Diane_Windsor]

Forgot to add this. Just as you want your husband to understand your position he probably wants you to understand his position. I would also advise going to the Childfree Couples forum here and explore a little and maybe ask some questions.

Hope this helps

 

[quitespirit]

I can tell you my perspective, though I won't try to be someone else's conscience. But this is, from my perspective of God's commands, how I would apply his word to the situation.

If I had an understanding before marriage that we would not have kids, and I changed my mind, I would make sure to come to unity on the topic with DH. I would also ask myself (if my judgment was objective and clear at the time) if it is in my DH best interest to have more children, since I am called to give preference to others. If I chose to address it with him and he couldn't be persuaded to change his thinking, I would honor the agreement we got married with- no kids.

My perspective is that I would have to be content without if DH wouldn't agree to more children. If God wants to honor my desire he can make it happen by changing my DH mind or a failure of bc. If not, my life has so many other blessings already, all of which are more then I deserve.

Of course, that doesn't mean that it would be an easy situation to cope with. I understand that and hope you guys can both come to unity and contentment.

 

[Pugluv]

Thanks for all the support and input, As I could never get my husband to a counseler, it really helps with your inputs and different points of view. These feeling have been coming on strong for the last few years as all my friends have children.
Before we were married I was 24, and at that age, I did not know or understand how this discison would effect me later.

I was late starting last month and thought, Could I be pregnant?, and the thought really excited me as it was all I could think about. I knew there was a possiblity and thought If God really wanted me to have a baby this could be the time. But I did start after 5 days, after that We had a long talk, My Husband was very understanding of the feelings I had, he even said if I would of been PG then after the intinal shock, he would get use to the idea and proably be happy about it. But HE also said he was very glad I was not and will be more careful from now on. HE loves Kids and is wonderful father and Grandfather.

My Step-duaghter in Law just gave birth on the 14th, (Last night) and being at the hospital and seeing the newborns, moms and families is just Bringing all these emotions to surface again.
I love my husband with all my heart and could never leave him, I am not pushing him or bugging him about it, he knows how I feel, in fact I have been keeping alot of this to myself, except for our last discussion a few weeks ago. I know understand his Point of View and how he feels and I would proably feel the same if I were him. I just do not know what to do with myself and all these feelings, I have been crying alot and trying to find answers and help getting through this without upsetting my husband and cuasing Problems in our Marriage.

Thank you for your time and input Posting to my thread.

 

[K9_Trainer]

Would your husband go for fostering?

This way, you are able to nurture, care for and love children that really need and deserve it, and your husband won't have to feel like he is making a full 18 year (or longer, ha ) commitment.

It'd be hard having to eventually give the kids up, but it would be worth it IMO. You are giving some beautiful children the love they need and the chance they deserve while at the same time, fulfilling that desire to nurture and mother. I may only be 18, but I do understand how strong that feeling can be. Whenever I hold a baby, I never want to give it back