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I used to be suicidal--let my story bring hope

URA

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I don't even know when it started--my best estimate is 2nd grade. I was ticked off at my parents, ran upstairs to my room, grabbed my knife, laid down, held it to my heart, and thought, "Why shouldn't I?". That was when I thought of a house, myself & my wife & 2 kids, standing there, and just being happy. I don't know if it was a vision, I don't know if I prayed, this was many years ago, and I honestly have no clue when exactly--come to think of it, the knife I would've used I got in 3rd grade, so it would've been at least a year later than I thought--but this is what I remember. Wanting to kill myself, but choosing not to, because the future would be better.

I didn't think much of it; the kids on the school bus would talk about wanting to kill themselves, so I just assumed it was one of those things that happens as you get older, the hormonal changes or whatever. Maybe it is; the more I understand brain chemistry, the more likely this seems. But whatever the reason, this suicidal thought process was just a fact of life, something I thought happened to everybody, and I wanted to hold out for my future family, so I worked through it.

Interesting point: Nobody ever knew I was depressed at all until my disastrous break-up with Audrey, junior year of high school. For whatever reason, my depression only ever manifested itself when I was alone, so as soon as someone else showed up, I was alright. To this day, I'm generally chill on my own, but as soon as someone else shows up, I can be a lot more energetic right away. No depression, though; I guess energy levels would be tied to brain chemistry, which would've been more out of whack when I was considering suicide.

Periodically, I would lay on my bed, holding the knife to my heart, not intending to kill myself, but just to see how I felt. For awhile, I felt nothing; the death would do nothing. When I started dating Audrey, sophomore year of high school, I still carried this depression into our relationship--I was firmly convinced that a girlfriend was my way out of depression (should've been my first sign that this wouldn't end well...). Throughout middle school & high school, I could never understand how anyone in a relationship could be depressed--if I had a girlfriend, I'd be ecstatic!

But thinking about not killing myself on account of some idealistic future family didn't do the job of alleviating depression, it just kept me from going all the way. And there was no rational basis behind it; so I might have a family, so what? Depression has a way of poisoning our perception, and making things that are important seem stupid. I could think of a better future, away from home & parents & with a wife, but I don't know if I'd forget about this future vision or not think of it as important, but it didn't always do the trick when I felt lower to bring me back up.

Another point: My household was in no way abusive. No alcoholism, no neglect, really just personality clashes; my mom has a domineering personality, and to a degree, I like to be private, and my dad is somewhat of a workaholic, and expects me to be same, so I can never to enough to satisfy him. Even now, whenever I get home from college, he has a never-ending list of things for me to do. "Weed the dog pen, empty the dishwasher, cut out the grass from around the house." Next day, "Wash the car, sweep the floors, weed the dog pen." Next day....no matter what I do, he always has a list that won't die; he's this way on himself, too. I have issues with my parents, but it's nothing severe, just some things to work through.

There were a few other things that helped me stay alive, and I really don't remember them, but I remember one in particular was looking through lists of people who almost committed suicide, David Bowie in particular. I loved David Bowie, and still do. If he could do something this awesome after wanting to commit suicide, that filled me with hope of what I could do!

Still, I was depressed, even with a girlfriend now. It wasn't until the first time I ever attempted suicide that I broke out of it.

Background: Audrey wanted us to text while we weren't at school; we belonged to the largest school district in the state, and lived in opposite corners of it. Driving to her house took 25 minutes. It wasn't feasible that we could really talk to each other regularly by physically seeing each other, and I was okay just talking at school, but wanting to be good for her, I agreed. Since I don't have a phone, we texted online with Skype, and I used my tablet. At the time, I liked using a stylus for touch-screens, and used one of those stylus-pen combos on my tablet.

February 2016: We just had a bit of scuffle (not a full fight, but I kind of ticked her off), and I knew she'd want to talk about it when we texted that night. A firm believer in the cyclical nature of emotions, and knowing that we'd gone through issues before & surely would again, I was expecting this text to be some kind of reparation of what happened. She brings it up, I apologize, a bit of talking about it, and we're back on track.

She opened the conversation with, "Do you know what I'm about to say?" I didn't, and I don't remember a single other thing that was said that night. I only remember that when she dumped me (remember, I had no clue that break-up was on her mind), the mental pain was so great, I had to do something, anything as a distraction.

I clicked out the pen from the stylus and tried to ram it into the vein on my arm.

Something threw the pen away.

I didn't know what happened, I wasn't trying to kill myself, it was just a spur-of-the-moment, I need a distraction motion, and I guess I accidentally attempted suicide. But my arm threw the pen away before I could make contact, and I was still in anguish over what Audrey texted, so I lay there & cried. Or maybe I didn't; I honestly can't remember anything from this point in time, really much of anything from February, and to this day, I still can't remember a lot of things from my entire life before that time.

So I was standing there, or maybe sitting, the next day or sometime later, just thinking, "I have no memories of the past, I can't imagine the future, the present is just confusion & pain; what do I do?" Being very into science fiction, even at this point of mental duress I was thinking that this would make a pretty cool story; a man who can't imagine anything but must make a choose of where to go in life. Unsure of what to do, I just thought, "Well, I've always been Catholic, so let's give this God thing a try."

I was born & raised Christian, baptized Catholic as an infant & going to church & CCD (Sunday school) every week, but never really did anything with my faith. Audrey was Christian, and she was a good influence to get me praying more; I actually started praying every night out of gratitude for her. I would pray sometimes before dating her, and I remember praying a lot for us to know each other better, to get together, to stay together, thank You for bringing us together. But I was just scratching the surface of a Christian life. I remembered a lot from what I learned in CCD (I was always a good student), but this was when I actually started the whole "dedicate your life to Christ" thing.

He lifted me out of my depression, and I've been very thankful ever since.

And while I was never suicidal after this point, and would sometimes pray multiple times a day (and even started reading the Bible! And following its teachings!), I was still desperately lonely. I kept searching & praying for a new girlfriend, once I stopped trying to win Audrey back, but to no avail.

Fast forward to end of senior year of high school: I really started talking to Paige. She's a girl I've known and liked as a friend for years, but senior year I sat next to her 2 periods a day, in a class that leaves a lot of time for us to just talk. I came to really like her, found out she was single, and ended up asking her out to prom. I knew she would say no; not because she didn't like me, but because she always hung out with a lot of guys that really weren't interested in her so much as her body, and for whatever reason she's a quintessential sweet girl who dates trash. However, I knew she needed the honor of knowing that someone good was interested in her.

As much as it would make sense that the girl I dated for almost a year (Audrey) would be much more influential than a girl who didn't go to prom with me (Paige), looking back, Audrey was the backdrop for Paige. If it wasn't for the situation with Audrey, I wouldn't have asked out Paige (a lot of reasons, but the specifics are irrelevant). And when I was dating Audrey, I was still looking out for myself; I put a lot of effort in to being a good boyfriend, but at the end of the day, I wanted Audrey as my escape from loneliness & depression. Paige I genuinely liked, and actually asked her out for a noble cause. It was through her that I really learned virtue, to place the girl first, and I even experience the true agape love for her, when I would always get her a juice every morning, and when she was cold, I wanted to take off my sweatshirt & place it on her; I was cold, too, but it was an act of service to Paige, and that meant so much more to me than myself. I knew she'd be fine without it, but I wanted to sacrifice for her!

She's since become a mother with her current boyfriend; I wanted to help her so badly, I e-mailed Chris Stefanick (Catholic speaker) about how to help her, and he said I needed to show her that Christ loved her so much more than these guys she hung out with did, and I knew that she needed Him, I actually had faith now, but I didn't, and I've regretted it ever since. I guess I was worried that she wouldn't appreciate me bringing Christian talk to her, and I had issues with the FCA of my school, so I didn't want to sound like one of those hippy idiots (as I used to refer to them), but whatever the reason, I know I should've done better for her, but didn't.

Now to college: I was past depression, but regretful of what I couldn't do for Paige, and still cripplingly lonely. This is not a hyperbole; I would lay in bed, think about how badly I wanted a girlfriend, and literally could not move. This never lasted very long, but it let me know that I still had a serious issue.

Now, you always hear about people losing their faith in college, and I almost became one of those; I wasn't sure if I would keep going to Church on Sundays. I brought Church clothes & a Bible with me, so I guess somewhere inside of me I was still accepting God, but I didn't do anything with the very prominent Christian Campus House here. I was invited to their events, even by my brother, but never bothered--until I decided to join, because I thought that it would be a good place to meet girls. I thought to myself, "Clearly, I can't do this girlfriend thing on my own, so God, I guess I'll let you take over."

He took it & ran.

The only dating advice I would read would be Christian, and I picked up a CD from the back of Church that was a talk from some guy named Jason Evert on dating. I listened to it, and it was pretty good; it made some mention of looking into Theology of the Body. Curious, and really wanting a girlfriend, I looked into it.

No more crippling loneliness; I still felt lonely, but there was no sting. It didn't hurt to be single, it just didn't quite feel right. I understood (thank you God!!!!) that it was all preparation time while God was transforming me to be better for her; I really started to think highly of her, do better things for her, pray for her, while still not having a clue who this "her" even is!

Only recently, a week or so ago, currently in my 2nd year of college, have I become lonely again--and only while praying. I know that I'm called to the married life--every spiritual milestone in my life has been centered around girls. I know I'm being prepared for a wife, and I know she's coming, and I know I'll be even more thankful for all this later. I think this time in particular, with God making me feel the loneliest when I'm the closest to Him, is an accelerated time of preparation; God's wanting me to really get out there, more more intentional about finding a girl (or, in the terms I use now, "God, I want to really be with you always, hug you, love you, more than I can by kneeling in front of You in the tabernacle at Church. I've heard good Christians say that the closer you get to God, the more you find out who you're meant to be, and right now, you're telling me that I'm meant to be a husband. But I don't want my girlfriend search to be separate from You; lead me to girl who's already accepted a lot of You, so I can physically be with you that way."

I'm a psych major now, trying to use my past experiences for something good, like I know they can be; while I have no intentions of being a counselor (I've done a little, and it's way too stressful, not something I can handle), I was in a class called "Counseling" for a few day, and the first thing the professor stressed was that, to be a good counselor, to help someone else get their crap figured out, you've got to figure your own crap out. What good will you be trying to help someone not be a wreck when you're a wreck?

With that in mind, I keep asking God what I need to have figured out before I can be with one of His daughters, and I sincerely think that this post is part of that, while I hope, pray, and somehow know that she'll respond well to how highly I spoke of Paige.

I've never actually told my life story like this before; it was originally intended to be an encouragement to anyone suicidal, from my own life experiences, and I suppose it still is; but I've never actually poured out my life story like this before. I keep going behind church throughout the day, just sitting on a decorative bench near the clear glass windows, looking in to see the tabernacle sitting there, and I keep praying to pour out my life to Jesus, and I guess I just did, via Christian Forums.

I feel very strange right now; I've been typing for almost an hour, and I doubt many people, if any, will read all of this excessively long post. But I've poured out my life for Christ, and that's what matters.

And I guess, looking back at all the awesomeness that David Bowie could do because he didn't kill himself, I'm 20, and just touching the tip of what God's about to do, through me.

Thank you all.
 

Lily76_

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thanks for sharing i myself have mental health problems and i have lost a family member to suicide he wasn't religious but he ended up having a catholic funeral because my family are Catholic i am away from the Catholic church myself am a christian seeker that changed my life 7 years ago he died but am not over it i cant seem to get over it he was loved by all he didnt know Jesus he was a kind and caring person he was loved by Jesus too he didnt know it YOU ARE LOVED BY JESUS and i love you too even though we have never meet we are child of God we should love one another
 
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Lily76_

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thanks for sharing i myself have mental health problems and i have lost a family member to suicide he wasn't religious but he ended up having a catholic funeral because my family are Catholic i am away from the Catholic church myself am a christian seeker that changed my life 7 years ago he died but am not over it i cant seem to get over it he was loved by all he didnt know Jesus he was a kind and caring person he was loved by Jesus too he didnt know it YOU ARE LOVED BY JESUS and i love you too even though we have never meet we are child of God we should love one another
 
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I don't even know when it started--my best estimate is 2nd grade. I was ticked off at my parents, ran upstairs to my room, grabbed my knife, laid down, held it to my heart, and thought, "Why shouldn't I?". That was when I thought of a house, myself & my wife & 2 kids, standing there, and just being happy. I don't know if it was a vision, I don't know if I prayed, this was many years ago, and I honestly have no clue when exactly--come to think of it, the knife I would've used I got in 3rd grade, so it would've been at least a year later than I thought--but this is what I remember. Wanting to kill myself, but choosing not to, because the future would be better.

I didn't think much of it; the kids on the school bus would talk about wanting to kill themselves, so I just assumed it was one of those things that happens as you get older, the hormonal changes or whatever. Maybe it is; the more I understand brain chemistry, the more likely this seems. But whatever the reason, this suicidal thought process was just a fact of life, something I thought happened to everybody, and I wanted to hold out for my future family, so I worked through it.

Interesting point: Nobody ever knew I was depressed at all until my disastrous break-up with Audrey, junior year of high school. For whatever reason, my depression only ever manifested itself when I was alone, so as soon as someone else showed up, I was alright. To this day, I'm generally chill on my own, but as soon as someone else shows up, I can be a lot more energetic right away. No depression, though; I guess energy levels would be tied to brain chemistry, which would've been more out of whack when I was considering suicide.

Periodically, I would lay on my bed, holding the knife to my heart, not intending to kill myself, but just to see how I felt. For awhile, I felt nothing; the death would do nothing. When I started dating Audrey, sophomore year of high school, I still carried this depression into our relationship--I was firmly convinced that a girlfriend was my way out of depression (should've been my first sign that this wouldn't end well...). Throughout middle school & high school, I could never understand how anyone in a relationship could be depressed--if I had a girlfriend, I'd be ecstatic!

But thinking about not killing myself on account of some idealistic future family didn't do the job of alleviating depression, it just kept me from going all the way. And there was no rational basis behind it; so I might have a family, so what? Depression has a way of poisoning our perception, and making things that are important seem stupid. I could think of a better future, away from home & parents & with a wife, but I don't know if I'd forget about this future vision or not think of it as important, but it didn't always do the trick when I felt lower to bring me back up.

Another point: My household was in no way abusive. No alcoholism, no neglect, really just personality clashes; my mom has a domineering personality, and to a degree, I like to be private, and my dad is somewhat of a workaholic, and expects me to be same, so I can never to enough to satisfy him. Even now, whenever I get home from college, he has a never-ending list of things for me to do. "Weed the dog pen, empty the dishwasher, cut out the grass from around the house." Next day, "Wash the car, sweep the floors, weed the dog pen." Next day....no matter what I do, he always has a list that won't die; he's this way on himself, too. I have issues with my parents, but it's nothing severe, just some things to work through.

There were a few other things that helped me stay alive, and I really don't remember them, but I remember one in particular was looking through lists of people who almost committed suicide, David Bowie in particular. I loved David Bowie, and still do. If he could do something this awesome after wanting to commit suicide, that filled me with hope of what I could do!

Still, I was depressed, even with a girlfriend now. It wasn't until the first time I ever attempted suicide that I broke out of it.

Background: Audrey wanted us to text while we weren't at school; we belonged to the largest school district in the state, and lived in opposite corners of it. Driving to her house took 25 minutes. It wasn't feasible that we could really talk to each other regularly by physically seeing each other, and I was okay just talking at school, but wanting to be good for her, I agreed. Since I don't have a phone, we texted online with Skype, and I used my tablet. At the time, I liked using a stylus for touch-screens, and used one of those stylus-pen combos on my tablet.

February 2016: We just had a bit of scuffle (not a full fight, but I kind of ticked her off), and I knew she'd want to talk about it when we texted that night. A firm believer in the cyclical nature of emotions, and knowing that we'd gone through issues before & surely would again, I was expecting this text to be some kind of reparation of what happened. She brings it up, I apologize, a bit of talking about it, and we're back on track.

She opened the conversation with, "Do you know what I'm about to say?" I didn't, and I don't remember a single other thing that was said that night. I only remember that when she dumped me (remember, I had no clue that break-up was on her mind), the mental pain was so great, I had to do something, anything as a distraction.

I clicked out the pen from the stylus and tried to ram it into the vein on my arm.

Something threw the pen away.

I didn't know what happened, I wasn't trying to kill myself, it was just a spur-of-the-moment, I need a distraction motion, and I guess I accidentally attempted suicide. But my arm threw the pen away before I could make contact, and I was still in anguish over what Audrey texted, so I lay there & cried. Or maybe I didn't; I honestly can't remember anything from this point in time, really much of anything from February, and to this day, I still can't remember a lot of things from my entire life before that time.

So I was standing there, or maybe sitting, the next day or sometime later, just thinking, "I have no memories of the past, I can't imagine the future, the present is just confusion & pain; what do I do?" Being very into science fiction, even at this point of mental duress I was thinking that this would make a pretty cool story; a man who can't imagine anything but must make a choose of where to go in life. Unsure of what to do, I just thought, "Well, I've always been Catholic, so let's give this God thing a try."

I was born & raised Christian, baptized Catholic as an infant & going to church & CCD (Sunday school) every week, but never really did anything with my faith. Audrey was Christian, and she was a good influence to get me praying more; I actually started praying every night out of gratitude for her. I would pray sometimes before dating her, and I remember praying a lot for us to know each other better, to get together, to stay together, thank You for bringing us together. But I was just scratching the surface of a Christian life. I remembered a lot from what I learned in CCD (I was always a good student), but this was when I actually started the whole "dedicate your life to Christ" thing.

He lifted me out of my depression, and I've been very thankful ever since.

And while I was never suicidal after this point, and would sometimes pray multiple times a day (and even started reading the Bible! And following its teachings!), I was still desperately lonely. I kept searching & praying for a new girlfriend, once I stopped trying to win Audrey back, but to no avail.

Fast forward to end of senior year of high school: I really started talking to Paige. She's a girl I've known and liked as a friend for years, but senior year I sat next to her 2 periods a day, in a class that leaves a lot of time for us to just talk. I came to really like her, found out she was single, and ended up asking her out to prom. I knew she would say no; not because she didn't like me, but because she always hung out with a lot of guys that really weren't interested in her so much as her body, and for whatever reason she's a quintessential sweet girl who dates trash. However, I knew she needed the honor of knowing that someone good was interested in her.

As much as it would make sense that the girl I dated for almost a year (Audrey) would be much more influential than a girl who didn't go to prom with me (Paige), looking back, Audrey was the backdrop for Paige. If it wasn't for the situation with Audrey, I wouldn't have asked out Paige (a lot of reasons, but the specifics are irrelevant). And when I was dating Audrey, I was still looking out for myself; I put a lot of effort in to being a good boyfriend, but at the end of the day, I wanted Audrey as my escape from loneliness & depression. Paige I genuinely liked, and actually asked her out for a noble cause. It was through her that I really learned virtue, to place the girl first, and I even experience the true agape love for her, when I would always get her a juice every morning, and when she was cold, I wanted to take off my sweatshirt & place it on her; I was cold, too, but it was an act of service to Paige, and that meant so much more to me than myself. I knew she'd be fine without it, but I wanted to sacrifice for her!

She's since become a mother with her current boyfriend; I wanted to help her so badly, I e-mailed Chris Stefanick (Catholic speaker) about how to help her, and he said I needed to show her that Christ loved her so much more than these guys she hung out with did, and I knew that she needed Him, I actually had faith now, but I didn't, and I've regretted it ever since. I guess I was worried that she wouldn't appreciate me bringing Christian talk to her, and I had issues with the FCA of my school, so I didn't want to sound like one of those hippy idiots (as I used to refer to them), but whatever the reason, I know I should've done better for her, but didn't.

Now to college: I was past depression, but regretful of what I couldn't do for Paige, and still cripplingly lonely. This is not a hyperbole; I would lay in bed, think about how badly I wanted a girlfriend, and literally could not move. This never lasted very long, but it let me know that I still had a serious issue.

Now, you always hear about people losing their faith in college, and I almost became one of those; I wasn't sure if I would keep going to Church on Sundays. I brought Church clothes & a Bible with me, so I guess somewhere inside of me I was still accepting God, but I didn't do anything with the very prominent Christian Campus House here. I was invited to their events, even by my brother, but never bothered--until I decided to join, because I thought that it would be a good place to meet girls. I thought to myself, "Clearly, I can't do this girlfriend thing on my own, so God, I guess I'll let you take over."

He took it & ran.

The only dating advice I would read would be Christian, and I picked up a CD from the back of Church that was a talk from some guy named Jason Evert on dating. I listened to it, and it was pretty good; it made some mention of looking into Theology of the Body. Curious, and really wanting a girlfriend, I looked into it.

No more crippling loneliness; I still felt lonely, but there was no sting. It didn't hurt to be single, it just didn't quite feel right. I understood (thank you God!!!!) that it was all preparation time while God was transforming me to be better for her; I really started to think highly of her, do better things for her, pray for her, while still not having a clue who this "her" even is!

Only recently, a week or so ago, currently in my 2nd year of college, have I become lonely again--and only while praying. I know that I'm called to the married life--every spiritual milestone in my life has been centered around girls. I know I'm being prepared for a wife, and I know she's coming, and I know I'll be even more thankful for all this later. I think this time in particular, with God making me feel the loneliest when I'm the closest to Him, is an accelerated time of preparation; God's wanting me to really get out there, more more intentional about finding a girl (or, in the terms I use now, "God, I want to really be with you always, hug you, love you, more than I can by kneeling in front of You in the tabernacle at Church. I've heard good Christians say that the closer you get to God, the more you find out who you're meant to be, and right now, you're telling me that I'm meant to be a husband. But I don't want my girlfriend search to be separate from You; lead me to girl who's already accepted a lot of You, so I can physically be with you that way."

I'm a psych major now, trying to use my past experiences for something good, like I know they can be; while I have no intentions of being a counselor (I've done a little, and it's way too stressful, not something I can handle), I was in a class called "Counseling" for a few day, and the first thing the professor stressed was that, to be a good counselor, to help someone else get their crap figured out, you've got to figure your own crap out. What good will you be trying to help someone not be a wreck when you're a wreck?

With that in mind, I keep asking God what I need to have figured out before I can be with one of His daughters, and I sincerely think that this post is part of that, while I hope, pray, and somehow know that she'll respond well to how highly I spoke of Paige.

I've never actually told my life story like this before; it was originally intended to be an encouragement to anyone suicidal, from my own life experiences, and I suppose it still is; but I've never actually poured out my life story like this before. I keep going behind church throughout the day, just sitting on a decorative bench near the clear glass windows, looking in to see the tabernacle sitting there, and I keep praying to pour out my life to Jesus, and I guess I just did, via Christian Forums.

I feel very strange right now; I've been typing for almost an hour, and I doubt many people, if any, will read all of this excessively long post. But I've poured out my life for Christ, and that's what matters.

And I guess, looking back at all the awesomeness that David Bowie could do because he didn't kill himself, I'm 20, and just touching the tip of what God's about to do, through me.

Thank you all.
Thank you for sharing. Blessings.
 
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