I thought I wanted to be alone...

[dily4ever]

When my husband passed away, I thought that I wanted to be alone to grief... away from prodding eyes, "concerned friends" who say the wrong thing, people who do not understand my pain. However, I have come to realise that I need people. Everyday, I have been going out with whichever friend who initiates an appointment with me. I just needed to be with people and talk to them about my husband and our memories... but the sad thing is no one can be there for me all the time.

The past weekend was the 1st weekend after the funeral and it was such a struggle for me. I kept looking at the time and thinking what we would be doing on any normal weekend. In fact I was so desperate to have company that I agreed to go out with my husband's colleague and wife. I am not close with them and ended up feeling uncomfortable. And I really dislike myself for being so dependent on others... and each time they fail me, I feel a deep sense of loss over again and again... I am so pathetic...

 

[ComesoonmyLORD]

Dear you are far from pathetic. You have to remember that your emotional well being has taken a tremendous blow and the pendalem is swinging pretty hard from one extreme to the other. There will be fair days, good days, bad days and real bad days. It's all part of the process. I found that on certain days I didn't even want to be around the children, then the next day I felt I needed to be a stadium full of people. It's all about adjusting to a whole new life and world. IT TAKES TIME! I found it better to try and live those first few months one day at a time, I didn't get wrapped up so much in the distant future. At some point down the road I began to think further into the future. Things like finances, my oldest daughters college plans, returning to my career, even a future relationship. At first I just wanted to be NORMAL again, but I couldn't. I wanted to run down this road until I ran out of this thunderstorm. But you can't, you have to endure the journey. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I know it's hard, but remember you are not on this road alone, there others in front of you, beside you, and unfortunately behind you. Just reach out to us when ever you need us. We're praying for you everyday! Press On!

 

[dily4ever]

Yah, many have told me that it will be like a roller coaster ride and I now understand what it means. Just in one day, I can experience all kinds of emotions ranging from calmness to numbness to severe pangs of sadness to guilt to nonchalance... and the tears just come anytime, anywhere.

I really hope to be independent and self sufficient with no need for anyone to listen to me, comfort me, spend time with me... I don't want to feel needy. I know that God is with me all the time... but I really want to have someone who can physically be there beside me to respond to me. And I am glad that I found all of you here to listen to me when no one else has the time for me. Thank you once again.

 

[JeanR]

dily4ever

Hang in there, sweetheart! We are all praying for you. It has been 10 weeks for me and I have to say the roller coaster is starting to calm down. I know that I have a long way to go in the process, but there are times I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, when I feel that way is when things fall apart, but at least now I expect it.

There are certain times I find that are worse than others. Coming home from work and not having dinner with him, climbing into bed and he's not there, walking through church feeling so lonely. Saturday night is the pits, too!

I can understand now why people marry so quickly. I miss being married. But, I know that people who rush into a new relationship usually end up miserable. Sometimes I have to laugh at myself, though. I think about re-marrying, but, right now, no one is lining up at my door! Terry and I were together for 30 years, if someone were to ask me out, I'd be terrified!

But, I am off on a tangent. Sorry, hang in there. We are here for you!

 

[dily4ever]

Thanks.

I miss being married too... but I cannot imagine being in another relationship ever again and I do not ever want to consider that option. So my company for the rest of my earthly life would be our memories of us ng together for 7 years ( 2 years of courtship and 5 years of marriage ) and of course God (I hope I can feel his presence more, though I know He is always with me.)

Found this quote that day and it sums up nicely how I feel.

Alone

"I am not alone
and never will be.
Your absence is my company."

 

[Missinyou]

I'm glad you two even thought about the remarrying thing. Patsy and I also were married 30 years (31 last October) and I often wondered what kind of a person am I to even consider remarrying, since she's only been gone since June. I feel if God has it in his plans for me to find someone else to marry, then He will set the events in place to make it happen. As far as courting again....I couldn't live through a courtship like I did when I met my wife... That's definitely a young man's game... LOL I say give ourselves time to heal and pray that if we do remarry, it's for all the right reasons.

 

[faithgoeson]

Time for the veteran widow to step in. Please don't ever date just because you are lonely. The first 2-3 years after losing your spouse will be some of the thoughest years you've ever gone through. Just when you think you are finally done grieving, it will hit you in the face again. I'm not trying to discourage, but it happens. With the Lord, you can be healed enough in your heart to date again. However, it is crucial you seek His advice and go slooooooooooooooooooooow. Those of you w/ life insurance, the vultures will come after it. If you have kids, you'll even meet people who just want you to give them kids and/or just want a mommy or daddy in the house. Dating is not fun in this day and age, and you really have to rely on God to protect you. Pray constantly, once your ready, that He alone will send you the right person. The last thing any of you want is another broken heart. Don't go out just because someone asks you, and please don't go if you are lonely. Today's dating world, for most of you, is 100% different than it was when you first met your spouses. 93% of Americans have premarital relations now. Those are the people you are going to meet, unfortunately. You have to be strong in who you are, what you believe, and where you are in your heart before you tackle the trials and tribulations of new relationships. If I could do it all over again, I would have waited 3 yrs. to date. I didn't, and it was a complete disaster. I then purposed myself to wait three years after 2 yrs. of dating, and now find that I am perfectly aligned with God in what He wants me to do now. Had I just listened to Him all along, it would have spared me much grief. If you are lonely, get a pet or find some people you can help out. Visit nursing homes, shelters, volunteer somewhere. Keep busy, and it will help. Just don't seek solace in someone else because people are people, and they do fail at times. God is the only One who can guide you in the right direction. He is our Healer, Comfortor, Spouse, Father, Love, etc. etc. His grace is sufficient.

Ok, I've rambled on enough about dating. I just worry when I see newly widowed people thinking about it. I'd like to wrap you all up and hide you from the pain in this world.

I am praying for you all.

 

[dily4ever]

Thanks for your concern and advice. Just a clarification - I have no intention to rush into dating or remarrying because that is OUT OF THE QUESTION for me personally. I will never be able to accept another person as my husband - My husband was my first and only boyfriend and I want to keep it that way. So no worries about me experiencing rebound and date because I am lonely =)

 

[JeanR]

faithgoeson,
you are right. I know in my heart to wait, but the loneliness sometimes is overwhelming.

I have a friend, Rose, who married and divorced the same man twice! She has not dated for about 15 years and says the only way she would go out with a man is if he had a note from God. I think that is pretty much my stand, too.

The loneliness is hard, though.

 

[JeanR]

faith,
you have really given me food for thought. My husband did leave me with a considerable amount of life insurance. I never thought of people seeking me out because of it. But, in hindsight, I have had a financial planner who contacted me before Terry was even buried! He completely turned me off and I wanted nothing to do with him.

I am just so tired. I said the other day I was doing fine, but I don't feel that way right now. I have gone back on the medicine the doctor prescribed to me to get through the funeral. I think with Christmas and all I'm feeling so low. I am trying to keep Christmas in perspective - it is the celebration of our Lord's birth!!!

 

[faithgoeson]

faith,
you have really given me food for thought. My husband did leave me with a considerable amount of life insurance. I never thought of people seeking me out because of it. But, in hindsight, I have had a financial planner who contacted me before Terry was even buried! He completely turned me off and I wanted nothing to do with him.

I am just so tired. I said the other day I was doing fine, but I don't feel that way right now. I have gone back on the medicine the doctor prescribed to me to get through the funeral. I think with Christmas and all I'm feeling so low. I am trying to keep Christmas in perspective - it is the celebration of our Lord's birth!!!

Just keep looking up, hun. You know we're praying for you. I didn't even have much insurance, but the greedy people showed up at my door anyway. I never met so many people in my life as I did immediately after my husband died. His death was very publicized, so everyone who was anyone tried to see if I had any money from it. I praise God for helping me to see through them.

 

[JeanR]

Several years ago my husband and I had a conversation of what we would do if the other died. I told my husband I would want him to remarry. He had such a good, kind heart and would be miserable alone. I told him that I would never remarry because my primary focus would be on raising our children. He pointed out that the children would be grown someday. He encouraged me to remarry because he wanted me to have the companionship of a loving husband.

I had the companionship of a loving, christian husband. I don't think I could ever find another man I could love as much as I loved him. He was the love of my life.

Ok, I'm going to have a good cry now.

 

[dily4ever]

JeanR,

I hope you feel better after crying. I just finished crying too. Actually, I do envy you for having so many more years with your husband. I was always looking forward to the time when I get to celebrate our 10th, 20th etc wedding anniversary... but we only had 5 years of marriage. And we were supposed to go to Taiwan for our 5th wedding anniversary celebration trip when my husband was diagnosed with cancer.

Regarding your conversation with your husband about remarrying, I recalled asking my husband once if he would remarry after I die. And his reply brought tears to my eyes. He said that he would choose to spend the rest of his life alone quietly in our house, surrounded with the things I love. His answer came back to me recently and I find that that is my answer too on how I should spend the rest of my days. But it has only been 17 days... and it is already so tough...

 

[ComesoonmyLORD]

Guys I know things seem all out of sorts right now, but your perspective may change as time goes on. Try not to put yourself into one box as your feelings may change as time goes on. You must remember that you have the rest of your life to live. God does not want us to stop in our tracks. He has a plan for each of us. We must listen closely for His guiding voice, His will be done in our lives. I firmly believe that every event in our lives has a significant purpose for the Kingdom. Although there are and will be many things that we don't understand, our faith must carry us forward. It's kinda like walking on stepping stones in the dark, you're not sure exactly where the next step is located, but you put the foot forward towared Him and step by faith that God will produce a solid landing. I personally have had many opportunities to witness for the Love that our Heavenly Father has for us, that He shows us everyday. I believe that I must use this journey for His edification and to His Glory. Try not to think so far into the future, God has it worked out for you, just trust in Him one day at a time. In the early months I kept my focus on that, and it's amazing how His plan comes together. As always, we must Press On!

 

[faithgoeson]

JeanR,

I hope you feel better after crying. I just finished crying too. Actually, I do envy you for having so many more years with your husband. I was always looking forward to the time when I get to celebrate our 10th, 20th etc wedding anniversary... but we only had 5 years of marriage. And we were supposed to go to Taiwan for our 5th wedding anniversary celebration trip when my husband was diagnosed with cancer.

Regarding your conversation with your husband about remarrying, I recalled asking my husband once if he would remarry after I die. And his reply brought tears to my eyes. He said that he would choose to spend the rest of his life alone quietly in our house, surrounded with the things I love. His answer came back to me recently and I find that that is my answer too on how I should spend the rest of my days. But it has only been 17 days... and it is already so tough...

I think most of us think we'll never go on after losing our spouses. I remember saying I'd never remarry, but time does heal and change things. God will let you know when it is the right time for you, and if it is too. For now, you just need to focus on dealing with your grief-a second at a time. The rest will come later.
My husband would have been very sad to know that I am still unmarried w/ the children having no father, but it just hasn't been my season for that yet. I know God's timing is perfect, though.
I know that I went through a time where I almost resented anyone who had had more than 5 yrs. of marriage, too. It wasn't that I wanted them to have less, but I wanted my years w/ my husband. We had 5 yrs. and 3 children married. I just do the best w/ those memories and try to focus on that good parts. I don't know why God gave me this cross to bear, but it's mine, and I accept it. I know that my next husband--wherever he is!---will be w/ me many more years, and that is something to certainly look forward to. It just took me 5 yrs. to even want that, though. Time changes all things.

 

[Missinyou]

I have been reading about the discussions you've had with your spouses when (I assume) you were all alive and healthy. It's a lot easier to say things at that time than when "if I die" or "if you die" becomes a reality. Over the five years my wife was sick, and we both knew it was "not if but when" I had a lot of time to wonder how my life would be affected by losing her, but I found out that there is nothing in this world that could have prepared me for the real thing. It was so much easier in my mind than it is in reallity. My mind never told me about the nights I would set on the edge of the bed in the darkness, crying, and wishing there was someone to talk to. My faith in the Lord was the only thing that got me through those nights. My mind never warned me about those times, right in the middle of a store, when I would have to leave my cart setting and beat a hasty retreat for the parking lot because some little insignificant thing reminded me of her or I would have to hide in some deserted isle till I had things under control. My mind never warned me about having to hide my tears in the middle of a restaraunt so other people couldn't see me crying because someone (even myself) said something that set me off. Reallity is so much different. I get so tired of the tears some times and I wonder if God ever gets tired of constantly hearing from me and having me lean on him so much. It has been so hard but each day that I make it through promises that the next might be just a tiny bit easier.
God bless you all.

 

[c1ners]

I have been reading about the discussions you've had with your spouses when (I assume) you were all alive and healthy. It's a lot easier to say things at that time than when "if I die" or "if you die" becomes a reality. Over the five years my wife was sick, and we both knew it was "not if but when" I had a lot of time to wonder how my life would be affected by losing her, but I found out that there is nothing in this world that could have prepared me for the real thing. It was so much easier in my mind than it is in reallity. My mind never told me about the nights I would set on the edge of the bed in the darkness, crying, and wishing there was someone to talk to. My faith in the Lord was the only thing that got me through those nights. My mind never warned me about those times, right in the middle of a store, when I would have to leave my cart setting and beat a hasty retreat for the parking lot because some little insignificant thing reminded me of her or I would have to hide in some deserted isle till I had things under control. My mind never warned me about having to hide my tears in the middle of a restaraunt so other people couldn't see me crying because someone (even myself) said something that set me off. Reallity is so much different. I get so tired of the tears some times and I wonder if God ever gets tired of constantly hearing from me and having me lean on him so much. It has been so hard but each day that I make it through promises that the next might be just a tiny bit easier.
God bless you all.

I'm sure if God hasn't tired of me after 20 years of asking him at least 2 times daily for my Danny back, he won't tire of you.

Praying for you all.

 

[dily4ever]

c1ners,

20 years! Wow - you are surely one amazingly strong woman... I really admire you.

You know when I visited my husband at the columbarium, I saw the niche of this couple where the husband died when the wife was 45 years old. And the wife eventually lived till 90 years old - their separation was for a period of 45 years! Such faithful and undying love... Of course I hope that I do not have to wait for so long before I see my darling in heaven... but my encouragement is that God will too give me the strength and grace to live my life as a widow faithfully till the end =)

 

[dily4ever]

Missinyou,

I understand what you mean about not being prepared... when my husband was sick for 3 months, I kept hoping and praying and believing for the best, yet I also tried to prepare myself for the worse... but like you said, we can never, never be prepared.

I can relate to your feelings about being suddenly attacked by the pangs of grief and pining for your wife...anything can be a trigger. My recent experience was seeing a child sipping a drink with a straw - that brought back the flashback of my husband in hospital sipping water from a cup with my help - the sadness and pain I felt at seeing him not being able to eat and only able to drink sips of water. Even then, the water would be immediately sucked out by a tube because his stomach could not hold down anything at all...

You hang in there... ,ok ... let the happy memories with your wife and God's grace give you the strength to carry on.

 

[pauldst]

Guys I know things seem all out of sorts right now, but your perspective may change as time goes on. Try not to put yourself into one box as your feelings may change as time goes on. You must remember that you have the rest of your life to live. God does not want us to stop in our tracks. He has a plan for each of us. We must listen closely for His guiding voice, His will be done in our lives. I firmly believe that every event in our lives has a significant purpose for the Kingdom. Although there are and will be many things that we don't understand, our faith must carry us forward. It's kinda like walking on stepping stones in the dark, you're not sure exactly where the next step is located, but you put the foot forward towared Him and step by faith that God will produce a solid landing. I personally have had many opportunities to witness for the Love that our Heavenly Father has for us, that He shows us everyday. I believe that I must use this journey for His edification and to His Glory. Try not to think so far into the future, God has it worked out for you, just trust in Him one day at a time. In the early months I kept my focus on that, and it's amazing how His plan comes together. As always, we must Press On!

God has a plan!