I think I will break up with her again tomorrow. Advice?

[Christian4252]

So a continuation of this thread: Girlfriend is desperate for marriage. Not sure though.

Ok. So I have gone back and forth on this. At times over the last month and a half I have leaned towards getting married believe it or not. But now I feel like I am back to square one. I think I want to break up. I think I am going to do it tomorrow. Does anyone have any advice on this? She keeps saying things like "I just can't wait until we get married then we can be with each other every day!".

Has anyone ever had to breakup with someone in this kind of situation before? Remember, I did try to break up with her in the past. She convinced me not to. I don't want to break her heart. I do feel like she became overly attached to me and I don't think that is healthy. It feels like she can't be happy without me. How do I do this?

 

[tampasteve]

Yes, when I was younger I was very involved with a young woman. We dated for a couple of years, she as 100% sure we were going to get married. Honestly, looking back, we were too attached to one another and it was not healthy. Nothing was really "wrong" with the relationship, it just did not feel "right", I knew that in the long run I could be happy enough with her, but I also knew that we both could live a better life apart.

If you are not committed to one another then it is not fair to keep her in a relationship like that, resentment will grow on one side or the other - or both.

I broke up with her three times. The first time she convinced me not to, so it did not "take". The second time we were separated for about a month and then got back together. The last time I made it stick. She was devastated and really resents me for it to this day, in spite of the fact that it worked out best for both of us. She married another man and has been with him since then, which is great.

If you don't feel like it is healthy, and you have this many issues with it now, then you absolutely should not go through with getting married. You will either resent her for it forever and be unhappy about that, or you will have other issues and eventually it will come to a head.

Edit for clarity:
Break it off cleanly. It will be hard, but in the end it will be best for both of you.

 

[A_Thinker]

So a continuation of this thread: Girlfriend is desperate for marriage. Not sure though.

Ok. So I have gone back and forth on this. At times over the last month and a half I have leaned towards getting married believe it or not. But now I feel like I am back to square one. I think I want to break up. I think I am going to do it tomorrow. Does anyone have any advice on this? She keeps saying things like "I just can't wait until we get married then we can be with each other every day!".

Has anyone ever had to breakup with someone in this kind of situation before? Remember, I did try to break up with her in the past. She convinced me not to. I don't want to break her heart. I do feel like she became overly attached to me and I don't think that is healthy. It feels like she can't be happy without me. How do I do this?

Just do it.

Tell her you're not interested in being married to her right now ... and that you want to go back to being single.

Tell her that you enjoyed spending time with her ... but that you think that it's time for both of you to move forward to other things.

Having told her that you're breaking up with her, ... help her to move on ... by staying apart from her, ... so she can began to consider alternative paths ...

 

[Hazelelponi]

So a continuation of this thread: Girlfriend is desperate for marriage. Not sure though.

Ok. So I have gone back and forth on this. At times over the last month and a half I have leaned towards getting married believe it or not. But now I feel like I am back to square one. I think I want to break up. I think I am going to do it tomorrow. Does anyone have any advice on this? She keeps saying things like "I just can't wait until we get married then we can be with each other every day!".

Has anyone ever had to breakup with someone in this kind of situation before? Remember, I did try to break up with her in the past. She convinced me not to. I don't want to break her heart. I do feel like she became overly attached to me and I don't think that is healthy. It feels like she can't be happy without me. How do I do this?

I agree with @A_Thinker, just break it off. Trust your instincts, either your not ready or she's not right for you, either way it's best to break it off cleanly so the both of you can move on.

 

[SuperCow]

There are a couple of things that could be going on here. First off, if you are not sure about getting married, you shouldn't. It's a lot harder on both of you if you were to get divorced afterwards, and even worse if you have kids first.

On the other hand, I think people sometimes have unrealistic expectations about their life partner. I think the purpose of dating is to find out what the other person's faults are to decide if you can live with those faults. (Attractiveness is irrelevant at this point since you probably wouldn't be dating if you weren't attracted to them.) If you think your girlfriend/boyfriend is perfect, then you haven't been dating long enough, because nobody is perfect and they will instinctively hide their faults as long as they can. But the longer you are dating the harder it is to hide your faults. If you are waiting for the perfect person, then you might want to get used to staying single.

Little annoyances can be cute, or they can drive you up the wall after a few years. You just have to be honest with yourself and figure out which is which, so you don't find yourself changing your mind after you are married. Once you are married, then you have to find a way to live with them, because a breakup at this point causes a lot more regrets, personal animosity and possibly psychological issues.

 

[Daniel Marsh]

So a continuation of this thread: Girlfriend is desperate for marriage. Not sure though.

Ok. So I have gone back and forth on this. At times over the last month and a half I have leaned towards getting married believe it or not. But now I feel like I am back to square one. I think I want to break up. I think I am going to do it tomorrow. Does anyone have any advice on this? She keeps saying things like "I just can't wait until we get married then we can be with each other every day!".

Has anyone ever had to breakup with someone in this kind of situation before? Remember, I did try to break up with her in the past. She convinced me not to. I don't want to break her heart. I do feel like she became overly attached to me and I don't think that is healthy. It feels like she can't be happy without me. How do I do this?

Go over II Peter 1, Romans 8, I cor 13 and fruit of the spirit in Gal 5 with her ask her to make a commitment with you to apply those texts. Afterwards, she will likely come to the conclusion that you both should go your separate ways as friends.

 

[tampasteve]

.

 

[tampasteve]

*EDIT*
No longer a relevant post.

 

[public hermit]

So a continuation of this thread: Girlfriend is desperate for marriage. Not sure though.

Ok. So I have gone back and forth on this. At times over the last month and a half I have leaned towards getting married believe it or not. But now I feel like I am back to square one. I think I want to break up. I think I am going to do it tomorrow. Does anyone have any advice on this? She keeps saying things like "I just can't wait until we get married then we can be with each other every day!".

Has anyone ever had to breakup with someone in this kind of situation before? Remember, I did try to break up with her in the past. She convinced me not to. I don't want to break her heart. I do feel like she became overly attached to me and I don't think that is healthy. It feels like she can't be happy without me. How do I do this?

Do it as gently as possible, but do it. It seems clear you are done but don't want to go through the breakuo, which is understandable. Be prepared for a bad reaction on her part. One never knows, but if she is as you say, it's a distinct possibility.

Whatever happens, just remember it won't last forever. Even her pain will end, so stick to your guns. It will be better in time. And, remember that this is best for both of you. Good luck, bud.

 

[Christian4252]

Yikes, I need to throw up a Admin Hat here, I did not realize we were in "Courting Couples"

ADMIN HAT ON

Married members are not allowed to post in this sub-forum. This forum is only for couples and engaged individuals. If the OP desires input from married people he may request the thread be moved to Questions from Singles About Marriage forum.

ADMIN HAT OFF​

I am totally fine with answers from married or single people.

 

[tampasteve]

I am totally fine with answers from married or single people.

Would you mind if I moved the thread to "Requests for Christian Advice"? That would let anyone reply If not, then no worries - it is your thread after all

 

[Christian4252]

Would you mind if I moved the thread to "Requests for Christian Advice"? That would let anyone reply If not, then no worries - it is your thread after all

All good. You can go ahead and move it.

 

[Christian4252]

Another thing I wanted to mention is that she has told me that she believes God has revealed to her that I am the one. How do I defend myself against this? If it is true, then am I in the wrong for breaking up with her?

 

[tampasteve]

ADMIN HAT ON

This thread has been moved to "Requests for Christian Advice". The previous Mod Hat has been adjusted accordingly.

ADMIN HAT OFF

 

[tampasteve]

*edit*
I deleted my text as @Albion says it all way better below than I did here.

 

[Albion]

Hi, Christian.

I guess that the first thing is to know if you love her or not. Then the issue about when to marry is next. If you don't love her, break it to her and separate.

If you do love her but you aren't ready for marriage now or in the near future...tell her that.

If the idea of marrying her ever is not settled in your mind...tell her that.

Then see what her response is.

The one thing you cannot do is mislead her, and she somehow got the idea that you were expecting to marry her.

Her idea that God has planned on you two marrying is not something you need to worry about.

 

[Mink61]

Another thing I wanted to mention is that she has told me that she believes God has revealed to her that I am the one. How do I defend myself against this? If it is true, then am I in the wrong for breaking up with her?

Unless God has revealed to BOTH OF YOU that she's the one for you, and you're the one for her...you're NOT.

Honestly, you should have broken up with her the moment you knew that you weren't on the same page regarding kids.

Please, break up with her. Don't waste any more of her time. Yes, it'll be painful for a while. But it's better than any alternative.

 

[BobRyan]

So a continuation of this thread: Girlfriend is desperate for marriage. Not sure though.

Ok. So I have gone back and forth on this. At times over the last month and a half I have leaned towards getting married believe it or not. But now I feel like I am back to square one. I think I want to break up. I think I am going to do it tomorrow. Does anyone have any advice on this? She keeps saying things like "I just can't wait until we get married then we can be with each other every day!".

Has anyone ever had to breakup with someone in this kind of situation before? Remember, I did try to break up with her in the past. She convinced me not to. I don't want to break her heart. I do feel like she became overly attached to me and I don't think that is healthy. It feels like she can't be happy without me. How do I do this?

Casual dating is a game you play with someone else's heart. Best not to get into it if you are not ready take take it seriously.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Best bet is if you are really unsure, maybe have a sitdown with your pastor and discuss the prospect of marriage. Let him ask you questions and see if both are really ready. Often the term "love is blind" can be both good and bad. Sometimes we love someone so much that we automatically think "Yep, this is the person for me!". We need to step back and look at everything overall.

I'd also add have you had serious talks about big marriage issues? Wanting kids? Who runs the house or mutual running? Even questions about how often to attend church. Living with someone for the rest of your life is different then being around someone a lot of times.

I adore my wife. But once we were married there were issues we had never considered before. Snoring, messy rooms, arguments (mainly due to her lack of english), how money should be spent, is it "our money" or "my money/your money" and so on. We worked it out of course but not every marriage is like that. After weeks or months some couples realize they were not ready because there was so much unexpected stuff.

 

[Brian Mcnamee]

Another thing I wanted to mention is that she has told me that she believes God has revealed to her that I am the one. How do I defend myself against this? If it is true, then am I in the wrong for breaking up with her?

hope deferred breaks the heart and the one area you should look into introspectively is did you feed her expectations? or is this something she came up with on her own. the idea of courting instead of dating is something to consider as from the beginning you acknowledge you are studying each other to make a choice and sometimes that choice is not compatible. Another thing is have you two been intimate during this dating period? If so this is again a huge problem as when people give themselves to each other is is supposed to be a intimate life long commitment between married people so I am not judging but statistically it is at least 50/50 you have been. Lots of guys get scared and run from commitment so she is committed to you and you are having serious doubts. Love is a choice so many people have made the vows and realize that there spouse is not perfect. if you wait for a perfect girl you will never find one and if a girl is looking for a perfect guy you are disqualified. My advice is to tell her you need space and seek the LORD and when you can come from a place where you know your decision is based on your time with Jesus in the word then I think you will have chosen wisely. You will be in my prayers.