Hello, I started reading the Bible and trying to get to know Jesus for a few weeks now.
Wanting to find Jesus and get to know him did not start because of an encounter, because he saved me from a particular situation or anything like that like other testimonies I have heard. It has not been a nice process or a finding of peace at all.
I was not Christian but I knew God is real, just I had a different conception of it. I decided to start this path because I needed answers, but as I searched and learned more, everything led me to answers that I couldn't understand. Because my concerns were linked to other people and not myself, the promise of eternal life in heaven, etc.; didn't reach my heart, since I was thinking about others and not myself.
Because the answers I got did not really answer what I wanted to know and since everyone said that the best way to talk to God directly was through reading the Bible and praying, I decided to do it.
But as I read the Bible I felt more angry, frustrated, and sad with the answers I found. While on the one hand, I began to understand Jesus and his sacrifice better, and I began to feel that I wouldn't mind surrendering to him, I also began to make a huge difference between God the Father and God Jesus, and when faced with the command to surrender to the Father, I simply can't.
On the other side, the answer to my questions was not pleasant, even if I am saved, what about those I love? What about the other billions of souls? , literally, the Bible answered me saying that the vast majority would go to hell, regardless of my wishes, my prayers, or my love for others, those who will be saved are already counted and predestined.
I also began to understand that in the end none of the answers I got mattered, because the truth is that we are all just small and insignificant souls created by God, and as our creator we belong to him, and we are destined to go through this kind of "game" that he created, under his rules, in which we have no power other than to decide between two options: to serve God and go to heaven when we die or to serve the Devil and go to hell. In other words, our only true will is to choose which owner we will belong to.
Of course, if I have no other options than those two, I choose God.
But my feelings of anger, frustration, and sadness don't go away. Not only do they remain, but I also feel that I am not choosing to serve God out of love and gratitude, but in a state of resignation.
Although at times I also have pleasant feelings towards God and I want to feel that peace and love that other Christians feel when I listen to their testimonies, in one way or another I always return to my negative, confused feelings and sadness for others.
In the end, I feel that I have a toxic relationship with him of the type "I can't completely surrender to you but I don't want to leave you either."
I wonder if others have gone through or felt something similar, and if they have any advice to give me.
How can I forget about others and only think about my salvation?
How can I fully trust God knowing this?