I think I have a toxic relationship with God

Cefy said:

Hello, I started reading the Bible and trying to get to know Jesus for a few weeks now.
Wanting to find Jesus and get to know him did not start because of an encounter, because he saved me from a particular situation or anything like that like other testimonies I have heard. It has not been a nice process or a finding of peace at all.

I was not Christian but I knew God is real, just I had a different conception of it. I decided to start this path because I needed answers, but as I searched and learned more, everything led me to answers that I couldn't understand. Because my concerns were linked to other people and not myself, the promise of eternal life in heaven, etc.; didn't reach my heart, since I was thinking about others and not myself.

Because the answers I got did not really answer what I wanted to know and since everyone said that the best way to talk to God directly was through reading the Bible and praying, I decided to do it.
But as I read the Bible I felt more angry, frustrated, and sad with the answers I found. While on the one hand, I began to understand Jesus and his sacrifice better, and I began to feel that I wouldn't mind surrendering to him, I also began to make a huge difference between God the Father and God Jesus, and when faced with the command to surrender to the Father, I simply can't.

On the other side, the answer to my questions was not pleasant, even if I am saved, what about those I love? What about the other billions of souls? , literally, the Bible answered me saying that the vast majority would go to hell, regardless of my wishes, my prayers, or my love for others, those who will be saved are already counted and predestined.
I also began to understand that in the end none of the answers I got mattered, because the truth is that we are all just small and insignificant souls created by God, and as our creator we belong to him, and we are destined to go through this kind of "game" that he created, under his rules, in which we have no power other than to decide between two options: to serve God and go to heaven when we die or to serve the Devil and go to hell. In other words, our only true will is to choose which owner we will belong to.

Of course, if I have no other options than those two, I choose God.
But my feelings of anger, frustration, and sadness don't go away. Not only do they remain, but I also feel that I am not choosing to serve God out of love and gratitude, but in a state of resignation.

Although at times I also have pleasant feelings towards God and I want to feel that peace and love that other Christians feel when I listen to their testimonies, in one way or another I always return to my negative, confused feelings and sadness for others.
In the end, I feel that I have a toxic relationship with him of the type "I can't completely surrender to you but I don't want to leave you either."

I wonder if others have gone through or felt something similar, and if they have any advice to give me.
How can I forget about others and only think about my salvation?
How can I fully trust God knowing this?

Click to expand...

Hello Cefy.
I want to first commend you for the effort you make.
Jesus said if you keep at it, you will be rewarded. Matthew 7:7-11
So, do not give up. Keep searching. Continue to read the Bible, and accept the help offered to study it.

I can relate to what you said here.
The real solution to this, is learning the truth about God, and what God teaches through the Bible. John 17:3
How the Bible is often interpreted, is not what the Bible really teaches. John 8:31, 32

For one thing, God does not burn people in hell, and our loved ones whom have died, are not condemned to eternity in hell. Revelation 20:13-15 We will see our loved ones again, right here on earth. John 5:28, 29; Acts 24:15
Also, those alive today have a great change of gaining life. 2 Peter 3:9; 1 Timothy 2:3, 4
Another thing is, heaven is not the destination of all people who identify as Christian, but living on this earth forever, in peace, is really God's purpose for the human family. Psalm 37:11, 29; Matthew 5:5; Matthew 6:10; Revelation 21:3-5

If you would like to learn more about what the Bible really teaches, ask any question you would like the Bible to answer for you, in this thread.
You will hear a lot of things said, but just focus on what the Bible is saying. Let the Bible answer your questions.
I also started a thread on The Purpose of the Earth, which will be interesting... It already is, as it shows the difference between what the Bible really teaches, and people's interpretation of the Bible.

The challenges are really interested as well.
I really would like to help, and hope I am able to do so.
Hope to hear from you.

Hi Cefy, you've asked a lot of questions but these have been asked before and the thoughts and feelings you're experiencing aren't peculiar to you.
Some of what you've written made me smile because I struggled with those thoughts and questions before too.
I'll offer my perspective another time (I don't have answers) but welcome to the site and God bless.

Cefy said:

because the truth is that we are all just small and insignificant souls created by God,

Click to expand...

Not true. If so, why would God sacrifice His son for you? This is the crux of your problem. With all due respect, it appears that your perception of God (God image) is distorted. Likely due to a deep rooted emotional wound that you are still struggling with. Would you like to talk about it?

Cefy said:

Hello, I started reading the Bible and trying to get to know Jesus for a few weeks now.

Click to expand...

Jesus is God's own Son, the One perfectly pleasing to God our Father. Because He is all who God is, as the Son so He can be so delighting to our Heavenly Father.

And God so loves us that He has sent Jesus to us, God's very own best, to die for us and share God's own good with us.

Jesus is God's one way to Him, because God wants us to have His very best and no less.

"I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me." (John 14:9)

But there are many people so conceited, that they think they are too good for God's own Son, and/or too smart!!

But Jesus is so humble that He who is so superior cares about any and all people. And He has so suffered and died in order to bring any person to God. But many humans are not ready to love and forgive any and all people like Jesus our example. And we see how people have become because they have judged Jesus to be not good enough for them. So, their character qualifies them for hell; they could suffer even more, in the presence of Jesus.

Cefy said:

Wanting to find Jesus and get to know him did not start because of an encounter, because he saved me from a particular situation or anything like that like other testimonies I have heard. It has not been a nice process or a finding of peace at all.

Click to expand...

Can you tell us what happened? In my case I have been through a lot of emotional suffering and dread of hell. But my main problem has been - - - me!

Cefy said:

I was not Christian but I knew God is real, just I had a different conception of it.

Click to expand...

God is better than any of us can know now . . . because of how we are. But as we grow in His love, we discover.

Cefy said:

I decided to start this path because I needed answers, but as I searched and learned more, everything led me to answers that I couldn't understand.

Click to expand...

If we try to make God answer to us, it is possible to trust questions which are rigged to get us in trouble. Be careful about what you ask and how you are ready to react to answers; because there are questions out there which are designed to trap you in confusion and anger about the answers. Some answers might be true, others not. But there are questions which are a trick to take you away from God, not to Him!

So, don't trust how anger and fear and unforgiveness and depression can have you seeing things.

Cefy said:

Because my concerns were linked to other people and not myself, the promise of eternal life in heaven, etc.; didn't reach my heart, since I was thinking about others and not myself.

Click to expand...

Well, we Christian's do well to care about others and not only about ourselves; because we are family, in Jesus.

However there are idealists who isolate themselves in self-congratulating righteousness. They need to get with God so we can discover all the good which we can have and do . . . in family sharing with God and each other.

So, if you are getting isolated in your seeking . . . Christianity is not a one-person sort of a thing.

Cefy said:

Because the answers I got did not really answer what I wanted to know and since everyone said that the best way to talk to God directly was through reading the Bible and praying, I decided to do it.

Click to expand...

How we are can have a lot to do with how we understand things, and who we can connect with for close relationships. Only with God through Jesus can we become how we need to be so we can see well and have sense for what is good and what isn't. We trust Jesus for this.

Cefy said:

But as I read the Bible I felt more angry, frustrated, and sad with the answers I found.

Click to expand...

In case the questions were not misleading your attention, were you ready to get answers the right way??

The Bible has answers to questions we need to be asking. But our attention can be misled by even wrong questions!

Cefy said:

While on the one hand, I began to understand Jesus and his sacrifice better, and I began to feel that I wouldn't mind surrendering to him, I also began to make a huge difference between God the Father and God Jesus, and when faced with the command to surrender to the Father, I simply can't.

Click to expand...

Jesus is very clear how Jesus is how our Father is . . . in character of almighty power of love. Their positions are different, and Their things they do, but position and specializations are not what decide how real you are in love and its character. Difference in position and functions does not mean They, or we, are unequal.

Cefy said:

On the other side, the answer to my questions was not pleasant, even if I am saved, what about those I love? What about the other billions of souls? , literally, the Bible answered me saying that the vast majority would go to hell, regardless of my wishes, my prayers, or my love for others, those who will be saved are already counted and predestined.

Click to expand...

Have you noticed how so many evil people do not make the same choice, about Jesus? Yet, there are very evil people who change to choose Jesus. If they all are equal, how come certain ones make such an unequal choice?

But with God - - - we can do what really gets good results. He includes us in the good which He is doing.

"without Me you can do nothing" > Jesus says in John 15:5.

But many are arguing themselves right. But God uses prayer and example.

Cefy said:

I also began to understand that in the end none of the answers I got mattered, because the truth is that we are all just small and insignificant souls created by God, and as our creator we belong to him, and we are destined to go through this kind of "game" that he created, under his rules, in which we have no power other than to decide between two options: to serve God and go to heaven when we die or to serve the Devil and go to hell. In other words, our only true will is to choose which owner we will belong to.

Click to expand...

With God we can do what really works and really is good. And Jesus died and suffered like He did, so we don't go to hell. He considered suffering and dying like that to be worthwhile so we don't miss out on God and go to hell. He would know if there is hell and if it is so bad that He was willing to suffer like that so we don't go there.

But ones will argue.

Cefy said:

Of course, if I have no other options than those two, I choose God.
But my feelings of anger, frustration, and sadness don't go away. Not only do they remain, but I also feel that I am not choosing to serve God out of love and gratitude, but in a state of resignation.

Click to expand...

So, you can start where you are, possibly > you know God does not want just resignation but >

reconciliation!

Cefy said:

Although at times I also have pleasant feelings towards God and I want to feel that peace and love that other Christians feel when I listen to their testimonies, in one way or another I always return to my negative, confused feelings and sadness for others.

Click to expand...

All of us still can give in to stuff.

Do not trust how that negative stuff would have you see things!!

Cefy said:

In the end, I feel that I have a toxic relationship with him of the type "I can't completely surrender to you but I don't want to leave you either."

Click to expand...

"casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

Cefy said:

I wonder if others have gone through or felt something similar, and if they have any advice to give me.
How can I forget about others and only think about my salvation?

Click to expand...

God does want us to care about each other, and stay alive in hope for anyone, no matter how things are made to look impossible for any one >

love "hopes all things" (in 1 Corinthians 13:7).

Cefy said:

How can I fully trust God knowing this?

Click to expand...

Trust God to do what you need. We all need to simply trust God about our impossible things. We are trusting you to God, the way you need to do!

Your post reminds of those who want to sue their parents for being born, etc. I think it's something of a new trend going on, i think it didn't happen before this kind of attitude towards life.

Cefy said:

While on the one hand, I began to understand Jesus and his sacrifice better, and I began to feel that I wouldn't mind surrendering to him, I also began to make a huge difference between God the Father and God Jesus, and when faced with the command to surrender to the Father, I simply can't.

Click to expand...

"If you've seen me, you've seen the Father, for I and the Father are one."

Cefy said:

I also began to understand that in the end none of the answers I got mattered, because the truth is that we are all just small and insignificant souls created by God, and as our creator we belong to him, and we are destined to go through this kind of "game" that he created, under his rules, in which we have no power other than to decide between two options: to serve God and go to heaven when we die or to serve the Devil and go to hell.

Click to expand...

God does not "play games" with us. He created us in His image so that He would have someone He could relate to, and us to Him. As for those going to hell, we all have free will-and if they choose to reject a loving creator, that's their decision.

God could have made all people saved if he had created us as robots. By giving us free will those who remain uninterested are free to do so. Some of the suffering in the world is a result of systems that Satan has arranged. However, most of the suffering is a result of people hurting other people. We are all free to choose to accept the salvation God offers us through faith in Christ. It is sad that some (even those we love) remain uninterested. However, we can still pray for them.

Cefy said:

Hello, I started reading the Bible and trying to get to know Jesus for a few weeks now.
Wanting to find Jesus and get to know him did not start because of an encounter, because he saved me from a particular situation or anything like that like other testimonies I have heard. It has not been a nice process or a finding of peace at all.

I was not Christian but I knew God is real, just I had a different conception of it. I decided to start this path because I needed answers, but as I searched and learned more, everything led me to answers that I couldn't understand. Because my concerns were linked to other people and not myself, the promise of eternal life in heaven, etc.; didn't reach my heart, since I was thinking about others and not myself.

Because the answers I got did not really answer what I wanted to know and since everyone said that the best way to talk to God directly was through reading the Bible and praying, I decided to do it.
But as I read the Bible I felt more angry, frustrated, and sad with the answers I found. While on the one hand, I began to understand Jesus and his sacrifice better, and I began to feel that I wouldn't mind surrendering to him, I also began to make a huge difference between God the Father and God Jesus, and when faced with the command to surrender to the Father, I simply can't.

On the other side, the answer to my questions was not pleasant, even if I am saved, what about those I love? What about the other billions of souls? , literally, the Bible answered me saying that the vast majority would go to hell, regardless of my wishes, my prayers, or my love for others, those who will be saved are already counted and predestined.
I also began to understand that in the end none of the answers I got mattered, because the truth is that we are all just small and insignificant souls created by God, and as our creator we belong to him, and we are destined to go through this kind of "game" that he created, under his rules, in which we have no power other than to decide between two options: to serve God and go to heaven when we die or to serve the Devil and go to hell. In other words, our only true will is to choose which owner we will belong to.

Of course, if I have no other options than those two, I choose God.
But my feelings of anger, frustration, and sadness don't go away. Not only do they remain, but I also feel that I am not choosing to serve God out of love and gratitude, but in a state of resignation.

Although at times I also have pleasant feelings towards God and I want to feel that peace and love that other Christians feel when I listen to their testimonies, in one way or another I always return to my negative, confused feelings and sadness for others.
In the end, I feel that I have a toxic relationship with him of the type "I can't completely surrender to you but I don't want to leave you either."

I wonder if others have gone through or felt something similar, and if they have any advice to give me.
How can I forget about others and only think about my salvation?
How can I fully trust God knowing this?

Click to expand...

I don't think the Lord is asking anyone to "forget about others and only think about our own individual salvation."

Maybe when you read the New Testament, ask yourself what the word "more" and "hate" actually mean. As surprising as it may sound, I ask this every time I contemplate my toxic engagement with the writings of Karl Marx.

Cefy said:

Thank you so much for taking the time to answer me with such detail.

Click to expand...

My pleasure.

Cefy said:

I understand I have to continue reading and studying the Bible. There are so many things that are hard to understand.

Click to expand...

Just try to remember one thing.
Matthew 9:35-10:1; Matthew 11:1; Matthew 28:18-20
Mark 6:6-10, 34; Acts 5:25-29, 42; Acts 18:11; Acts 20:20, 21



To understand what is hard to understand, we need to be taught.
Many opt to be self taught, but this is not how "little children" learn.
If we do not consider ourselves little children, and have that attitude, we will believe we are taught by God, but that will only be imagined.

Matthew 11:25, 26

Cefy said:

I will check that thread too.
Thank you

Click to expand...

Thank you.

You seem to be a deep thinker but yes others go through those kind of reasonings. For myself, I just try to ask God questions, to get through on the other side. I also try and be honest with God since he knows anyway. I have learned to direct more anger towards the devil and realize that God is not letting anyone down. Instead, sometimes it is the church, ourselves included that simply respond negatively to all the problems that are out there.
I have seen things as a "game" before too. I suppose all this testing ensures that those in heaven are genuine. There is even a test at the end of the tribulation. Why is God going to release Satan after the 1,000 years? | GotQuestions.org

Here is another answer about man's purpose that helped me. Man's Purpose on Earth — Bob Yandian Ministries

The ultimate solution though is not so much an understanding but it is one where we can grow love and not be so cold. I pray the Eph 3:14 prayer more than any other, to know the depths of His love so that I don't stall out trying to figure it out on my own. I look at the other side too, rebellion and do my best to drive it out. Perhaps this all is just working out our salvation in our mind with hear and trembling. I pray God blesses your journey.

We can act on our concern for others.. Prestined just means God knows who will accept Him According to John 6:44, God makes Himself known & draws His creation. Our part is to love Him and others. Therefore, we spread the gospel (Matt 24:14, 28:18-20, Mark 16:15-16).

Click to expand...

Understand the attitude behind "small and insignificant". But you are truly unique, rare. You acknowledge God as our creator. Yes! There's never been anyone exactly like you and never will be. The price paid for you was Jesus' blood, the ultimate sacrifice (I Cor 6:20).. The same for all of us..

The key here, is you say the words about this bible reading and seeking " for a few weeks now". Pardon the boldness of my next comment, but in the grand scheme of bible study, you know nothing yet. Give yourself time, be sure you are born again ( reborn of the Spirit, in John 3:3), so you receive the Holy Spirit, who will give you attributes to discern what you are reading. And a heart for the lost, not that God is mean to them but seeks for all to come to Him, that none may be lost. This gives a sense to us that we agree with the plan to reach all the world, including loved one who may not agree.

You need some really good bible studies with good teachers. And at least one really good study of the book of Revelation after some time into this. Revelation opened the whole bible to me. It says there starting out in Revelation, there is a special blessing imparted to those who just read it. And that's perhaps even if not fully understanding. Even so, with good study, In time, done right, by sermons and studies, the whole bible begins to interlace itself. Common themes throughout of, by Gods grace, His mercy and the big one, Love prevail. Despite the seeming desperation in some chapters. He did not give His Son to die out of bitterness or hate, but out of love that all may come to saving grace by way of Jesus. Held true by the shedding of His blood but ultimate resurrection, defeating Satans grip. And a persons belief of it at the heart level. We are saved by the grace of God through our faith in Him. Never doubt the ways of God, we may never understand them, for our ways are not His, nor our thoughts, His thoughts. This takes time to absorb.

Cefy said:

Hello, I started reading the Bible and trying to get to know Jesus for a few weeks now.
Wanting to find Jesus and get to know him did not start because of an encounter, because he saved me from a particular situation or anything like that like other testimonies I have heard. It has not been a nice process or a finding of peace at all.

I was not Christian but I knew God is real, just I had a different conception of it. I decided to start this path because I needed answers, but as I searched and learned more, everything led me to answers that I couldn't understand. Because my concerns were linked to other people and not myself, the promise of eternal life in heaven, etc.; didn't reach my heart, since I was thinking about others and not myself.

Click to expand...

You can't help anyone else to believe until and unless you first believe.

Cefy said:

Because the answers I got did not really answer what I wanted to know and since everyone said that the best way to talk to God directly was through reading the Bible and praying, I decided to do it.
But as I read the Bible I felt more angry, frustrated, and sad with the answers I found. While on the one hand, I began to understand Jesus and his sacrifice better, and I began to feel that I wouldn't mind surrendering to him, I also began to make a huge difference between God the Father and God Jesus, and when faced with the command to surrender to the Father, I simply can't.

Click to expand...

You must've been reading the old testament when God had to deal with unsaved flesh-ruled stubborn-hearted people. With them every guidance and instruction God gave had to be in the form of a command, with penalties if they rebelled. But He also told them not to be like a stubborn mule who won't serve the person that owns it.

Obviously not all of them did rebel. God would rather that all have a tender-heart and willingness to abide by His directions and guidance as a loving Father to them so that He could bless and do good unto them.

The first step is to trust that God is a good God and then obey comes easier.

Cefy said:

On the other side, the answer to my questions was not pleasant, even if I am saved, what about those I love?

Click to expand...

When you are saved, then you can witness to them.. your radical change will be an opportunity to explain the difference that they will notice. But praying and believing for their salvation is the way to clear the path into their personal wilderness and testify of God's goodness to them.

But if you have reservations to give your heart and life to God, then how can you help your loved ones or anyone else for that matter? You being saved is the answer to your own dilemma.

Cefy said:

What about the other billions of souls? , literally, the Bible answered me saying that the vast majority would go to hell,

Click to expand...

You've read incorrectly. God is following His great plan of redemption. He didn't create everything and people too, then send His beloved Son to die to pay for the sins of all mankind, then plan to end up with so few people in heaven.

The number is greater than the sands of the sea can be counted, greater in number than all the stars in the universe. That means that those that do go to hell (because God gives them free will to choose that) will be far less in count than those who go to heaven by choosing Jesus as their Savior-Redeemer from sin, death, hell and the devil.

The verse "many are called but few are chosen" is concerning service to God, it is not saying that few will get to heaven. The number of ministry of Apostles, Prophets, Evangelists, Pastors and Teachers in the Body of Christ is a lesser in amount compared to the vast number of non-ministry believers in Christ Jesus.

Cefy said:

regardless of my wishes, my prayers, or my love for others, those who will be saved are already counted and predestined.

Click to expand...

That is not correct. God predestined the plan of redemption by Jesus being the sacrifice for all mankind even before God created all things. God knows who will be saved and who will not. It doesn't mean that God already picked out who will be saved and who won't. The Bible says that God planned for all to be saved. As far as God is concerned He doesn't want anyone to go to hell. God is not leaving anyone out in His redemption plans.

Peter found out that God is no respecter of persons. That means that God has not already picked out who He wants to be in heaven and counts everyone else as unworthy. That is not in line with what John 3:16 says "God so loves the world.." And John 6:37 "To all who come to Me, I will in no wise cast out."

Your prayers for your loved ones and for others is by God's design to be effective to tip the scales and get those you know and those you don't know into heaven.

But you won't be able to change their lives if you don't serve God in learning how to have faith in God and pray for those that you are concerned for. Join God in His desire that all be saved and come to the knowledge of the Truth (1 Tm.2:4). Don't put any limits on who won't be saved. When a person plays a card game they got their eyes on winning the whole pot. Have as much ambition as they do.

Cefy said:

I also began to understand that in the end none of the answers I got mattered,

Click to expand...

The answers that you got were all negative concerning people. But Jesus said "The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy, but I have come that they (all) have life and have it more abundantly." (John 10:10).

In the Bible there are many verses that speak of the gospel of God. The word gospel means 'Good News'.

Cefy said:

because the truth is that we are all just small and insignificant souls created by God, and as our creator we belong to him, and we are destined to go through this kind of "game" that he created, under his rules, in which we have no power other than to decide between two options: to serve God and go to heaven when we die or to serve the Devil and go to hell. In other words, our only true will is to choose which owner we will belong to.

Click to expand...

That right there is a great freedom that God by His rules, has provided us through His Son Jesus' willing sacrifice on the cross that gave us all the right to choose where we will go when we die. Without Jesus we'd all only go to hell.

Cefy said:

Of course, if I have no other options than those two, I choose God.
But my feelings of anger, frustration, and sadness don't go away. Not only do they remain, but I also feel that I am not choosing to serve God out of love and gratitude, but in a state of resignation.

Click to expand...

Then definitely find and read all of the Good News scriptures and love God for His goodness to all.

Cefy said:

Although at times I also have pleasant feelings towards God and I want to feel that peace and love that other Christians feel when I listen to their testimonies, in one way or another I always return to my negative, confused feelings and sadness for others.
In the end, I feel that I have a toxic relationship with him of the type "I can't completely surrender to you but I don't want to leave you either."

Click to expand...

It's all a matter of getting to know God better than you think that you do now.

Cefy said:

I wonder if others have gone through or felt something similar, and if they have any advice to give me.
How can I forget about others and only think about my salvation?
How can I fully trust God knowing this?

Click to expand...

Perhaps I've already given you the answers to those questions.

Cefy said:

Hello, I started reading the Bible and trying to get to know Jesus for a few weeks now.
Wanting to find Jesus and get to know him did not start because of an encounter, because he saved me from a particular situation or anything like that like other testimonies I have heard. It has not been a nice process or a finding of peace at all.

I was not Christian but I knew God is real, just I had a different conception of it. I decided to start this path because I needed answers, but as I searched and learned more, everything led me to answers that I couldn't understand. Because my concerns were linked to other people and not myself, the promise of eternal life in heaven, etc.; didn't reach my heart, since I was thinking about others and not myself.

Because the answers I got did not really answer what I wanted to know and since everyone said that the best way to talk to God directly was through reading the Bible and praying, I decided to do it.
But as I read the Bible I felt more angry, frustrated, and sad with the answers I found. While on the one hand, I began to understand Jesus and his sacrifice better, and I began to feel that I wouldn't mind surrendering to him, I also began to make a huge difference between God the Father and God Jesus, and when faced with the command to surrender to the Father, I simply can't.

On the other side, the answer to my questions was not pleasant, even if I am saved, what about those I love? What about the other billions of souls? , literally, the Bible answered me saying that the vast majority would go to hell, regardless of my wishes, my prayers, or my love for others, those who will be saved are already counted and predestined.
I also began to understand that in the end none of the answers I got mattered, because the truth is that we are all just small and insignificant souls created by God, and as our creator we belong to him, and we are destined to go through this kind of "game" that he created, under his rules, in which we have no power other than to decide between two options: to serve God and go to heaven when we die or to serve the Devil and go to hell. In other words, our only true will is to choose which owner we will belong to.

Of course, if I have no other options than those two, I choose God.
But my feelings of anger, frustration, and sadness don't go away. Not only do they remain, but I also feel that I am not choosing to serve God out of love and gratitude, but in a state of resignation.

Although at times I also have pleasant feelings towards God and I want to feel that peace and love that other Christians feel when I listen to their testimonies, in one way or another I always return to my negative, confused feelings and sadness for others.
In the end, I feel that I have a toxic relationship with him of the type "I can't completely surrender to you but I don't want to leave you either."

I wonder if others have gone through or felt something similar, and if they have any advice to give me.
How can I forget about others and only think about my salvation?
How can I fully trust God knowing this?

Click to expand...

I don't understand what you mean when you are talking about going to God wanting answers that have to do with people. But I will address what I think might be the crux of the issue.

There's something I do, especially before I was saved is that I wanted answers...

I wanted to know who God was and what was right to follow and I was turning to Christianity for the first time.

I was very frustrated, scared, terrified really but I was coming out of a conflicting view of God and was very worried about being wrong ..

my existential threat was following God wrong and following the wrong God. My only 2 concerns, but the biggest issues I have ever faced in my mind.

So I realize here my mindset was different than yours in approaching God in the first place.

But honestly, my method probably wasn't. I was demanding of God, as if a sovereign God owed me answers, and I had an insatiable quest for those answers and wasn't even considering that I might not have been able to handle the truth all at once like I wanted.

When we approach God, we have to realize God is actually real, and actually knows us at times better than we know ourselves and he gives us what we need, but not always what we desire as a result.

We have to reign in our own impatience and leave ourselves the room to grow and learn.

For a while you will have many questions, and you will need someone with sound faith and sound doctrine that you can ask questions when you need who can provide you timely answers.

But it sounds like you have some issues with patience, and are approaching God incorrectly, less reverently and patiently than you should at times.

Don't worry this type of thing is likely typical, we don't come to Christ knowing everything and we don't always come to Christ with perfect intent but Christ through His word will change that.

It's just some patience is all. It takes time to understand everything.

Cefy said:

Thank you for your honest opinion.
One of the reasons I started reading the Bible was precisely because I felt like I couldn't get answers as easily as I expected or couldn't understand what was important. On the other side, I know that I'm a person who needs time to process things or to see a wider point of view. That's why I also tried to give myself time to read and reflect on my own, but at some point my feelings were overwhelming and I felt that I needed to get them out and hear other people's points of view.

Now I also realized that even among Christians there is a lot of confusion and that some of the answers I thought I had gotten at the beginning are probably wrong or very biased.

At the moment I'm calmer and still learning but more slowly, although the questions and feelings are still the same, I just let them rest because I didn't see the point in continuing to think about them for now.

Click to expand...

I did that - letting questions rest - myself. Definitely times you have to.

This pastor below, Pastor Voddie Baucham, is one of the best expositors of our time I believe. If you listen to some of his sermons it might help you see Scripture differently and less confusedly.


This sermon ^^ posted above is about Bible study how-to and it should help you a lot when you do your own Bible study.

Grace Family Baptist Church is the church he's associated with and their YouTube channel has a lot of his sermons. All the reformed YouTube channels carry his content as well.

He's safe to listen to, he holds a doctorate and even had some of his education at Oxford University. He's not at all fly by night.. perfectly normal person who is highly intelligent and gifted.

If exposition doesn't help you then there's another Pastor, Paul Washer, who has a different style of preaching who's just impactful I believe.. you should check his sermons out some too. His sermons are all over YouTube but he's associated with HeartCry ministries. He's in missions.

Cefy said:

Thank you for your honest opinion.
One of the reasons I started reading the Bible was precisely because I felt like I couldn't get answers as easily as I expected or couldn't understand what was important. On the other side, I know that I'm a person who needs time to process things or to see a wider point of view. That's why I also tried to give myself time to read and reflect on my own, but at some point my feelings were overwhelming and I felt that I needed to get them out and hear other people's points of view.

Now I also realized that even among Christians there is a lot of confusion and that some of the answers I thought I had gotten at the beginning are probably wrong or very biased.

At the moment I'm calmer and still learning but more slowly, although the questions and feelings are still the same, I just let them rest because I didn't see the point in continuing to think about them for now.

Click to expand...

I think you are doing the right thing.
You only need God to send someone to teach you.

Cefy said:

Hello, I started reading the Bible and trying to get to know Jesus for a few weeks now.
Wanting to find Jesus and get to know him did not start because of an encounter, because he saved me from a particular situation or anything like that like other testimonies I have heard. It has not been a nice process or a finding of peace at all.

I was not Christian but I knew God is real, just I had a different conception of it. I decided to start this path because I needed answers, but as I searched and learned more, everything led me to answers that I couldn't understand. Because my concerns were linked to other people and not myself, the promise of eternal life in heaven, etc.; didn't reach my heart, since I was thinking about others and not myself.

Because the answers I got did not really answer what I wanted to know and since everyone said that the best way to talk to God directly was through reading the Bible and praying, I decided to do it.
But as I read the Bible I felt more angry, frustrated, and sad with the answers I found. While on the one hand, I began to understand Jesus and his sacrifice better, and I began to feel that I wouldn't mind surrendering to him, I also began to make a huge difference between God the Father and God Jesus, and when faced with the command to surrender to the Father, I simply can't.

On the other side, the answer to my questions was not pleasant, even if I am saved, what about those I love? What about the other billions of souls? , literally, the Bible answered me saying that the vast majority would go to hell, regardless of my wishes, my prayers, or my love for others, those who will be saved are already counted and predestined.
I also began to understand that in the end none of the answers I got mattered, because the truth is that we are all just small and insignificant souls created by God, and as our creator we belong to him, and we are destined to go through this kind of "game" that he created, under his rules, in which we have no power other than to decide between two options: to serve God and go to heaven when we die or to serve the Devil and go to hell. In other words, our only true will is to choose which owner we will belong to.

Of course, if I have no other options than those two, I choose God.
But my feelings of anger, frustration, and sadness don't go away. Not only do they remain, but I also feel that I am not choosing to serve God out of love and gratitude, but in a state of resignation.

Although at times I also have pleasant feelings towards God and I want to feel that peace and love that other Christians feel when I listen to their testimonies, in one way or another I always return to my negative, confused feelings and sadness for others.
In the end, I feel that I have a toxic relationship with him of the type "I can't completely surrender to you but I don't want to leave you either."

I wonder if others have gone through or felt something similar, and if they have any advice to give me.
How can I forget about others and only think about my salvation?
How can I fully trust God knowing this?

Click to expand...

Man's tendency to condemn God is always due to not seeing in his light; to not seeing how awful sin is; to not seeing the huge price He paid to reconcile us back to Him.

Tell Him how you feel. Don't hide it from Him or run from Him. The enemy of your soul would love for you to run from God with your feelings, but tell Him how you feel and ask Him to enlighten you, then wait on Him to do so.

You can't get past your darkness and feelings without Him.

He knows you don't get Him. Your feelings are not a shock or surprise to Him. He wants to enlighten you.