I so much need urgent help

[Im-revived]

I have been a long term sufferer of BPD, and for some unknown reason have returned back to here although ive not been on since september last year, before that in 2005 i was a nightly person coming on here but on other areas never wanting to admit i even had this illness. From the age of 17 i was diagnosed, i am now 44, and although under a social worker, psychiatrist Im at the end of all hope. Yes im a christian and until a few years ago i only had bouts of episodes that were really bad, which did put me in hospital. I used to attend church weekly until 2 years ago, and now not one day passess without at some point my mood rapidly changing, sometimes even in an half an hour period, i constantly feel depressed and have low motivation, where i once was extremely active confidant person even holding a counselling job down. Ok yes i have been seriously ill physically inbetween, but im at a point now were mentally everything is so hard i only feel safe in my own home locked behind doors and actually letting people use me to feel accepted, I would do anything for anyone in need and even constantly offer all the time to the one friend who i know needs support. My own kids are all grown up now and i feel so empty with myself, worthless and guilty even guilty for things that are in no way linked to me, if someone has bad news i blame myself. Things have got so bad I want to do myself in, yet constantly am trying to work out how to do it without hurting anyone cos id be dead. My Psychiatrist is also leaving next month, shes known me since the beginning, im on medication loads daily for physical and Metal Health, ive been told ill be given another psychiatrist but the fact is i cant cope with this illness anymore, its like im now clinging by just my fingertips on a cliff, ready to drop at any time, my illness has got severely worse over the years, were i would have maybe two year gaps from suicidal thoughts and wants, its now everyday, i have written a letter to my psychiatrist as this week will be the one before i never see her again, but i know she wont do anything cos shes about to leave, I know i wont be able to trust the new guy cos i struggle to trust, and just want a way out of this life, surely God can understand that, the new church i did try which was a baptist just seem to believe that God takes MH issues away, so ive never been back as i just now even feel threatened there, if i even had a bit of hope somewere it would help but i seriously havnt, the illness is killing me!!

Im-revived

 

[anonym00s]

I have been a long term sufferer of BPD, and for some unknown reason have returned back to here although ive not been on since september last year, before that in 2005 i was a nightly person coming on here but on other areas never wanting to admit i even had this illness. From the age of 17 i was diagnosed, i am now 44, and although under a social worker, psychiatrist Im at the end of all hope. Yes im a christian and until a few years ago i only had bouts of episodes that were really bad, which did put me in hospital. I used to attend church weekly until 2 years ago, and now not one day passess without at some point my mood rapidly changing, sometimes even in an half an hour period, i constantly feel depressed and have low motivation, where i once was extremely active confidant person even holding a counselling job down. Ok yes i have been seriously ill physically inbetween, but im at a point now were mentally everything is so hard i only feel safe in my own home locked behind doors and actually letting people use me to feel accepted, I would do anything for anyone in need and even constantly offer all the time to the one friend who i know needs support. My own kids are all grown up now and i feel so empty with myself, worthless and guilty even guilty for things that are in no way linked to me, if someone has bad news i blame myself. Things have got so bad I want to do myself in, yet constantly am trying to work out how to do it without hurting anyone cos id be dead. My Psychiatrist is also leaving next month, shes known me since the beginning, im on medication loads daily for physical and Metal Health, ive been told ill be given another psychiatrist but the fact is i cant cope with this illness anymore, its like im now clinging by just my fingertips on a cliff, ready to drop at any time, my illness has got severely worse over the years, were i would have maybe two year gaps from suicidal thoughts and wants, its now everyday, i have written a letter to my psychiatrist as this week will be the one before i never see her again, but i know she wont do anything cos shes about to leave, I know i wont be able to trust the new guy cos i struggle to trust, and just want a way out of this life, surely God can understand that, the new church i did try which was a baptist just seem to believe that God takes MH issues away, so ive never been back as i just now even feel threatened there, if i even had a bit of hope somewere it would help but i seriously havnt, the illness is killing me!!

Im-revived

Why do you feel threatened at your church? What did they say/do? I don't believe that God just "takes" mental health issues away, but I am fully aware of the power to overcome them through His Word.

Everything you said about you being worthless is false; Jesus' sacrifice for you on the cross should end that thought. EVERY person has value in God's eyes.

Also, it doesn't make any sense that you FEEL guilty about things that you KNOW you are not guilty of. If you know it's false why do you believe the feelings? You should not be letting your emotions drag you down like this.

Being a christian, you should have the power to overcome this situation. I know it's tough and there may be few who can and will help you but you just have to stay strong and stay grounded in the Word. I am sorry you are dealing with few people to trust - if it means anything, I feel like that all the time. There are trustworthy people out there, but they seem to be few and far between.

 

[artqween]

I have been a long term sufferer of BPD, and for some unknown reason have returned back to here although ive not been on since september last year, before that in 2005 i was a nightly person coming on here but on other areas never wanting to admit i even had this illness. From the age of 17 i was diagnosed, i am now 44, and although under a social worker, psychiatrist Im at the end of all hope. Yes im a christian and until a few years ago i only had bouts of episodes that were really bad, which did put me in hospital. I used to attend church weekly until 2 years ago, and now not one day passess without at some point my mood rapidly changing, sometimes even in an half an hour period, i constantly feel depressed and have low motivation, where i once was extremely active confidant person even holding a counselling job down. Ok yes i have been seriously ill physically inbetween, but im at a point now were mentally everything is so hard i only feel safe in my own home locked behind doors and actually letting people use me to feel accepted, I would do anything for anyone in need and even constantly offer all the time to the one friend who i know needs support. My own kids are all grown up now and i feel so empty with myself, worthless and guilty even guilty for things that are in no way linked to me, if someone has bad news i blame myself. Things have got so bad I want to do myself in, yet constantly am trying to work out how to do it without hurting anyone cos id be dead. My Psychiatrist is also leaving next month, shes known me since the beginning, im on medication loads daily for physical and Metal Health, ive been told ill be given another psychiatrist but the fact is i cant cope with this illness anymore, its like im now clinging by just my fingertips on a cliff, ready to drop at any time, my illness has got severely worse over the years, were i would have maybe two year gaps from suicidal thoughts and wants, its now everyday, i have written a letter to my psychiatrist as this week will be the one before i never see her again, but i know she wont do anything cos shes about to leave, I know i wont be able to trust the new guy cos i struggle to trust, and just want a way out of this life, surely God can understand that, the new church i did try which was a baptist just seem to believe that God takes MH issues away, so ive never been back as i just now even feel threatened there, if i even had a bit of hope somewere it would help but i seriously havnt, the illness is killing me!!

Im-revived

Hi im revived, plezd to meet u.
Consider creating a journal on
How u r feeling. discussing this
With ur family and ur family
Dr. With ur family. theres got
To be medicine to help feel better.
And local support groups for
Ur condition. over the counter
Remedies as well. also suggestion
U and ur family join ur local
Church they can help hugely.
U should never suffer. Poor thing
:-(. i feel for u. also consider
Signing up for disability with ur
Family. as well as join ur local
Easter seals. and see if ur
Local hospital has remedies for
Ur condition.
May u have peace of mine always
.....

 

[Im-revived]

Thanks both of you for your responses, im on a course now for 10 weeks to help see if i can get through the emotional difficulties, its just so hard being a smiley face for everyone else, yet deep down struggling so much, plus having the physical health on top makes it even harder.

Im-revived

 

[artqween]

I have been a long term sufferer of BPD, and for some unknown reason have returned back to here although ive not been on since september last year, before that in 2005 i was a nightly person coming on here but on other areas never wanting to admit i even had this illness. From the age of 17 i was diagnosed, i am now 44, and although under a social worker, psychiatrist Im at the end of all hope. Yes im a christian and until a few years ago i only had bouts of episodes that were really bad, which did put me in hospital. I used to attend church weekly until 2 years ago, and now not one day passess without at some point my mood rapidly changing, sometimes even in an half an hour period, i constantly feel depressed and have low motivation, where i once was extremely active confidant person even holding a counselling job down. Ok yes i have been seriously ill physically inbetween, but im at a point now were mentally everything is so hard i only feel safe in my own home locked behind doors and actually letting people use me to feel accepted, I would do anything for anyone in need and even constantly offer all the time to the one friend who i know needs support. My own kids are all grown up now and i feel so empty with myself, worthless and guilty even guilty for things that are in no way linked to me, if someone has bad news i blame myself. Things have got so bad I want to do myself in, yet constantly am trying to work out how to do it without hurting anyone cos id be dead. My Psychiatrist is also leaving next month, shes known me since the beginning, im on medication loads daily for physical and Metal Health, ive been told ill be given another psychiatrist but the fact is i cant cope with this illness anymore, its like im now clinging by just my fingertips on a cliff, ready to drop at any time, my illness has got severely worse over the years, were i would have maybe two year gaps from suicidal thoughts and wants, its now everyday, i have written a letter to my psychiatrist as this week will be the one before i never see her again, but i know she wont do anything cos shes about to leave, I know i wont be able to trust the new guy cos i struggle to trust, and just want a way out of this life, surely God can understand that, the new church i did try which was a baptist just seem to believe that God takes MH issues away, so ive never been back as i just now even feel threatened there, if i even had a bit of hope somewere it would help but i seriously havnt, the illness is killing me!!

Im-revived

Hi friend... What does ur family say
About this? they r helping u right?
plezd to meet u. i hope u get help
With ur mental issue? U have seen
Ur family dr. With ur family? if ur
Church did something wrong they
Need to be reported.. possibly the therapist is not helping it sounds like
I could be wrong.. On this. Never give up... Ur family needs u. Let ur
Family know u r suffering asap
Plez... Plez keep us postd on ur situation?????
May u have peace in ur soul,
Joy happiness bliss hope strenght
Also u may want look into receiving
Med.s for ur condition.. Also
Consider signing up on
Disability and other programs available for u.

 

[simonar]

Hi my dear friend,

I have BPD,and I am doing well ,you just have to trust in yourself .You will get better!I am doing better and better because I pray every day to God to give me strenght and I also read alot about how can I fight and act normal.You just have to work to improve your willpower.Open your eyes ,it is a beautiful day ,even if it seems worthless to you.It is simple ,but you can enjoy it .Go out side,as often as you can ,fresh air makes miracles.And don`t stay alone.
You can visit my site if you like ,we can be in touch
livewithborderline.com

A big hug!

 

[artqween]

Hi my dear friend,

I have BPD,and I am doing well ,you just have to trust in yourself .You will get better!I am doing better and better because I pray every day to God to give me strenght and I also read alot about how can I fight and act normal.You just have to work to improve your willpower.Open your eyes ,it is a beautiful day ,even if it seems worthless to you.It is simple ,but you can enjoy it .Go out side,as often as you can ,fresh air makes miracles.And don`t stay alone.
You can visit my site if you like ,we can be in touch
livewithborderline.com

A big hug!

Ur family is helping right? You belong
to a church? ur not dealing with this
alone right? what med.s r u taking to help u? u r discussing ur condition with ur family and family dr. Right?
never have an ordinary day...

My friend may u always have strength courage hope happiness peace... ;-)

 

[marleyhill]

Have you tried therapy? I've done CBT which helped with negative thinking and positive behaviours. I'm now on to DBT which helps with emotional regulation, distress tolerance and interpersonal skills and not making the situation worse. Do you know what has also helped me in the last 2 years. prioritising myself..it is not selfish. if I'm not ok and well how can I help anyone else properly. So in my life God first, me next, then my husband, then family, then friends, then work, then the wider community. There are other forms of therapy out there. just keep trying don't give up. Think about all the people you know who would be upset and miss you if you off-ed yourself. That keeps me going and I know deep down inside I don't want to die I just want to stop feeling so rubbish at the time. You should not try to depend solely on one person because in the end if you stripped everything away and everyone around you it's just you and God. You got to be brave and ask God for help.

 

[johnandtraci]

Boy i can relate! The clinging onto sanity. the feelings of ' if i off myself will god understand.' this aint no picnic and im heartbroken for you as i completely undersyand. youre not alone. you have this forum which i find to b very loving and non-jugdemental. i care for you deeply! Do you ever feel like god dont care? sumtimes i do. you just must keep fighting. i youtube joyce meyer daily. i read scripture on love and healing. im devoting myself not to all the meaty doctrine, but gods healing love. praying. Hugz

 

[johnandtraci]

Joyce and healing scripture help me, so i thot id suggest that for you!!!! Lov u!