I Screwed Up Bad................I Think

[AmericanGirl]

The real question is...Did I do the right thing by letting her be herself and not hold her in the confines of a relationship? Morally, did I do the right thing?

Yes, I do believe you did the right thing, especially since she was so young.
It sounds like both of you are going through so very tough times right now. Just remember 1 Her being raped and feeling that she belongs to the other guy bevaise of it is not your fault in the slightest. 2 Keep on praying and 3 Remember there is at least one person out there who is going to be remembering you two in her prayers everynight
God bless!

 

[Sketcher]

Sorry to hear that. You had no control over what happened, and you wouldn't have if you two had gotten together.

I can't tell you to get over this, but I can pray for you.

 

[Niz]

the only advice i can give you is to be friends. Focus more on God and he'll guide you through your troubles. I'm in a long distance relationship right now. My bestfriend/girlfriend is 365 miles away. The only thing we think about is the fact that this is our time with God. Our time to become better christian and diciples of christ. Since we did that, i fall in love with her everytime i hear her voice. Believe me, a relationship without christ isn't a relationship at all. Just tell her that you want your time with christ and when she's ready you'll help her on her way. Good luck with it =] i hope i helped

 

[Crain]

What a situation... Look Its good that you did not make any type of move on her? I know that she is in high school and you are in your twenties. However, having sex with her could have backfired at that particular time. But with holding your feelings for someone really keeps that particular person on the mind. And it makes you hard to judge and sometimes make decisions because that special someone is always in your head. So if you told her how you felt about her. You probably could have worked things out in a Godly Manner. But how can two walk together except they agree. Plus the age difference could become a problem in the long run. However, God could have work things out for the both of you. Anyhow you guarded your heart and thats good. But a female sometimes doesn't guard her heart as well as some males. You guarded your heart and she did not. So there was a conflict of interest... you could have told her about how the way you felt. And from there, realize that you have her and just wait till its time to do what you want or just marry the girl. Plus the age difference is not a surprise to me, most young girls fall in love with older guys. Anyhow all you can do right now is be a good friend to her and be there when she needs it the most.

 

[JPPT1974]

Be a good friend to her and also lean on God in your situation because He will help you and support you no matter what occurs and/or what happens. Abstain from sex and save sex until you are married. But pray as well for that woman to become a Christian and turn to Christ. Best decision possible.

 

[Bartimaeus]

Yes, you did the right thing. I think God has moved both of you on. God has someone else for you. Believe that.

She is being foolish for staying with this guy, but that's her decision. If you'll just be patient and wait, I'm confident you'll see that this is all for the best.

Hi. I struggled with reading/replying to this thread because I wasn't sure I'd have a comment. But, I do have to say that you said what I thought (and think) very well. Thanks.

 

[Bartimaeus]

Perhaps I should've posted this in a different CF forum. You see, I grew up in real poverty. In that society things like rape and other crimes happen to young girls all the time, so I am used to hearing about it all the time. Out of all my girlfriends I have had, I would say 70% had a sexually traumatic expierence from a friend, or supposed friend to a family member before I dated them. Yea, it makes for emotionally unstable people that need counseling. But for females they don't just run off and "press charges". Most of the time you don't even hear about it because they would rather take it to the grave than to risk the possible wrath of family, parents, friends, and thier afraid they will never be accepted by another guy again. These girls/women feel like they will never be good enough for someone else.

Imagine it happening to you. Think about what would be going through your mind. It must be easier for me because I have been so exposed to so much, that I understand how these girls feel.

Hey, bro, you posted this in a good place...the right place...that's why we're here.

PM me if you want.

 

[Bartimaeus]

Just because it happens all the time it doesn't make it right or make it less difficult for the people it happens to to deal with. Regardless of the circumstances, someone who is raped can press charges and should be encouraged to get the help they need. It doesn't matter how much money they have or how many times it has happened around them. In fact, given the circumstances you described, the girls being raped should be encouraged even moreso to press charges so that something can start to be done about the problem. Date rape is no exception. As her friend, you should make sure that she knows that being raped was not her fault and that no one blames her for it.

Amen...amen...and amen!

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Rape is messed up. It makes a girl into a psychological disaster.
All I can say is that this guy DOES NOT deserve her. He deserves no less than prison.

This whole deal is heavy.
Poor girl.
Poor poor girl...

 

[seangoh]

AND my question is....Did I do the right thing by backing off all that time so that she could do what she wanted and have fun and not feel constricted by the confines of a relationship?

With regards to this, i don't know how you backed off. Was it just quietly backing off expecting her to know? Or did you tell her that you're backing off? I would prefer the latter as she will know exactly what you're doing. By keeping her in the dark, she'll have to guess, and guessing games in relationships can be a huge time waster and can be damaging if the love is not mutual. It's always good to tell her straight what you're doing. It might be even necessary to tell her again..and again until she knows that that's what you want.

With regards to that rape, i do not find it wise to marry a guy just because he raped a girl. It's like marrying a guy just because he made the girl pregnant. At the altar, when the priest asks, do you, both of them would end up saying "I have to" instead of "I do".

It's not the end of the world if the girl gets raped. she can pick herself up and since she's young, much opportunity await her.

 

[Phrasedefina]

I backed off...a year ago..to just let her be herself...I didn't want to be responsible for this statement "well I coulda had fun in college but I was too involved with Caleb"


just to be clear...SHE IS NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL SHE IS A JUNIOR IN COLLEGE.

not meaning to be rude...just that some people are still thinking she is in high school

 

[Bartimaeus]

I backed off...a year ago..to just let her be herself...I didn't want to be responsible for this statement "well I coulda had fun in college but I was too involved with Caleb"


just to be clear...SHE IS NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL SHE IS A JUNIOR IN COLLEGE.

not meaning to be rude...just that some people are still thinking she is in high school

It's all good.

I know how those misunderstandings go.

 

[Breetai]

I just read the very first post...and the first page. Here's my best advice: Forget about her. Even though you feel strong feelings toward her and all that, it's not worth the trial and trouble. You had your chance to tell her how you felt and didn't. You lost her for it, but such is life.

BTW, if she really was raped 100% against her will, she wouldn't be going out with the guy, especially for so long. Besides, she gave up a good guy like you for some idiot. No girl is worth the trouble after that. She's made the decision to move on with her life and so should you.

 

[Crain]

I backed off...a year ago..to just let her be herself...I didn't want to be responsible for this statement "well I coulda had fun in college but I was too involved with Caleb"


just to be clear...SHE IS NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL SHE IS A JUNIOR IN COLLEGE.

not meaning to be rude...just that some people are still thinking she is in high school

Sorry about that.... If she a JUNIOR IN COLLEGE... The age difference is not a problem at all. I would have told you to go for it in a Godly manner. You shouldn't think about the future. I do not where in the bible it says this. But the bible says, "Take no thought of what ye shall drink?, no thought of what ye shall eat? no thought of what ye shall put on?" It says something like that. But also it says "Take no thought of tomorrow, let tomorrow think of itself" Thats what happen. You thought of tomorrow(future days). Anyhow some of the women that r in college r engaged or married anyway. So that was not a problem. So a little advice for the next time this situation comes up... take some time and get to know the girl first. then if you start to become interested in her. Then go for it(if she's single)... And show her the same interest and express yourself. But DO NOT REVEAL YOUR TRUE HEART. Alot of relationships are started for just plain attraction.

 

[fishstix]

So a little advice for the next time this situation comes up... take some time and get to know the girl first. then if you start to become interested in her. Then go for it(if she's single)... And show her the same interest and express yourself. But DO NOT REVEAL YOUR TRUE HEART. Alot of relationships are started for just plain attraction.

If one is not ready to reveal his/her true heart that's probably a good sign that they don't know each other well enough as just friends yet. By the time you're ready to move on to more than friends, you should be ready to be honest and reveal your true heart.

 

[seangoh]

But DO NOT REVEAL YOUR TRUE HEART. Alot of relationships are started for just plain attraction.

Now that's tricky. But i'll still say AMEN to that. Genuine godly relationships are characterized by care to the other person's well-being and spiritual health. We gotta learn how to treat the opposite sex that way so next time we meet a girl we like at first sight, our hormones won't overwhelm us.

 

[Phrasedefina]

ok...*piratevoice* DIE THREAD DIE!!!!!!!!!!! AAARRGGHHH

 

[Mike312]

I told her I loved her, and that even though our urges were strong, I would not attempt having sex with her unless she really really really felt it was the time. (now before you go saying "no sex before marriage blah blah blah....remember what they say about he who casts the first stone). She did not feel it was the time, but she wanted me to be the one.

1 Corinthians 5
11But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat.
12What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? 13God will judge those outside. "Expel the wicked man from among you."


Okay, now if you call yourself a brother in Christ, have accepted him as Lord and Savior, follow Gods Word, etc. then other Christians have every right to "judge" you. In other words, YES, it is wrong to sleep with anyone, for any reason, before marriage. It is a sin. That's what God said not me.


Also consider:
Ephesians 5

3But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.


Dude, please do not ever try and justify anything even if she is really really really "ready" or wants you to be the one. There is no way around this NOT being a sin.


Now, I'm not perfect. I have struggled with lustful thoughts, but thankfully have never had sex with anyone. Even if I did God would restore me and clean me. I'm not any better then you, and you are not any better then me. Neither of us deserve to go to heaven. But we do have the right to judge one anothers actions if we call ourselves Christians. Those outside of the church, we are not to judge, God does that, but those inside the church we HAVE to "judge". We have to tell other believers when they do something wrong. The bible is full of letters where Christians are telling other Christians to stop sinning. If we don't judge other Christians then we begin to think sin is okay or somehow God understands and won't hold us accountable. EG. Homosexuals holding pastoral and other positions of leadership in the church. God does hold us accountable if we don't repent. No one escapes his Word.
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As far as waiting, I don't believe you did anything wrong. In fact I admire your decision to let her enjoy college without the restrictions of a relationship. I personally don't think most people are ready for marriage until they have the experience and wisdom we get from life being on our own for at least a year. One year of college really changes people. I'm not sure where you're at right now, I only read the initial post to this thread, but my advice is to stop praying that God would give you someone. Hear me out.... the evidence of God being first in someone's life is their ability to be completely content in the Lord. If God is first then he is our All in All and his grace is sufficiant for us. Anyway, I have met a handful of girls that are exactly what I have prayed for. Sometimes it feels like God teases me and introduces me to an amazing woman of God and then he's like, "Naw, I don't think I'm going to give you anyone yet." God does not torture or tease his children, but when I told him what it felt like he was doing, he completely took the "love" pains or whatever it is that you get after meeting someone you fall for. I didn't feel like God was teasing me any more. I believe that telling God that helped God take even a higher place of priority in my life. Until I meet someone, I'm not going to be consumed with thoughts of her or anyone other girl. I want my life to be filled with Gods joy. I want to learn how to be constantly in prayer and how to think of the things of God throughout my day. I want to be in unceasing worship and adoration of him. If you want that, tell God. If you don't really care if you ever get to that point, that's okay, just tell God that and ask him to change your heart so you do want to get there. Don't get stuck in a hole thinking you have to have everything figured out or that maybe you missed the chance of what you thought was a perfect girl, just meet him where you are at. Don't compare yourself with anyone else. I think it is clear you want what God wants, but I think you need take a look and see if you are asking God to help you be the person your heart wants to be. It's not anything you do that can get you to that place, it's realizing that Gods grace takes us there. That way we can not boast in ourselves or tell God, "look what I've done. Don't I deserve this?" We have to be completely reliant on him and his grace.